Sh*Tbird!: How I Learned to Love the Corps

By Jim Barber

SH*TBIRD! How I Learned to Love The Corps is a humorous account of Marine Corps boot camp based on the authors experiences as well as those of many other jarheads. The book begins with an introductory section that reveals the culture shock that most recruits experience as they step out of their teenage civilian world into one turned upside down. Following are 90 plus funny stories contributed by guys who were there. While most civilians will find the stories funny, they will be especially appreciated by veterans of all services who experienced some form of boot camp.

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse
• Release date: Nov 9, 2016
• ISBN: 9781524648879

Jim Barber

Jim Barber grew up in South Georgia, helping his family raise hogs and working on his uncles’ tobacco farms while pursuing his dream to become a newspaper reporter. His first “public” job came at age sixteen, covering sports for his county newspaper, The Berrien Press. Jim spent the bulk of his newspaper career with United Press International’s Atlanta bureau before a short stint with the New York Daily News led him to transfer to the world of corporate journalism and a twenty-five-year career with Georgia Power and Southern Company, one of the nation’s largest utilities. A state and national award winner for his writing, Jim previously co-edited three published books: Atlanta Women Speak, a collection of speeches from notable women such as Jane Fonda, Atlanta Mayor Shirley Franklin and author Pearl Cleage, as well as Journey of Faith and Art from our Hearts, both church histories. While his work on the family farms is a distant memory, Jim does enjoy raising gardens in his backyard, especially tomatoes for his wife of nearly thirty-five years. Jim doesn’t eat tomatoes, but he does play a lot of tennis and works part-time as the administrator of his church. He and Becky live in Atlanta near Stone Mountain, which he climbs faithfully almost every day. They have three grown daughters, one son-in-law (soon to be two), and three grand dogs. Visit the author’s website at www.jimbarber.me.

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© 2016 Jim Barber. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

Published by AuthorHouse    11/09/2016

ISBN: 978-1-5246-4888-6 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-5246-4887-9 (e)

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models,

and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

CONTENTS

Definition

The Value Of Sacrifice

In The Beginning

Greetings

Bucket Issue

Receiving Barracks

The First Reveille

The Routine

Special Training Platoon (Stp)

Rigorous Requirements

Smiley

He Seemed Nice

Rude Awakening

Yeah Is Not The Correct Answer

A Promise Kept

Couldn’t Pass The Smell Test

Close Enough For Government Work

Reasonable Confusion

Pu**Y Cadence

Wise Advice

Small Town/Virgin Ears

Destination Greensville

Don’t Fence Me In

Divine Intervention?

Master Baiter

Gung Ho

There Is A Difference

Fishing In The Dark

By The Numbers

Let There Be Light

The Great Candy Caper

Easter Dye

Contraband

Obstacle Course

Sheep Hunter

I Can’t Hear You!

Orders Are Orders

Experience Counts

Roadguards Out

Shot Day

Survival Swimming

Big Don’t Mean Jack

Things Go Better With Coke????

Waste Not, Want Not

Music To Dine By

The Mess

What’s The Recipe?

A Marked Man

Hair Of The Dog That Bit You

Emergency?!!

Just Being Helpful

Lights Out

Lenny

The Accidental Recruit

What Friend?

Close Call At Mail Call

The Spirit Of Christmas

Special Delivery

Conspiracy

Too Much Of A Good Thing

Machine

Private Eye

Make ‘Im Puke

Pick One

My First Marine Corps Ball

The Real Deal

Heres Always The One Who Fails To Get The Word

Awesome View

Sick Call

Home On The Range

Squeeze It Like It’s Your Girlfriends Tit

A Pretty Sight

Day Dreaming

Testing The Metal

Walls With Ears

Duck!!

Chippin’ Wood

Country Boy

Real Agony

Dirty Tricks

Tough But Fair

Theatre Detail

Sabotage

Team Work

Popcorn, Anyone?

No Sh*T!

Sharing A Locker With A Buddy

An Offer You Can’t Refuse

The Perfect Move

The Marine Corps Way

Taking A Stroll

Race To The Top

To The Bitter End

It Was Always The Corps

Heros And Free Speech

DEFINITION

Sh*tbird

/SHit/berd

Noun

1. A low form of life, an undisciplined, unmotivated mass of

error-prone, human flesh

2. A Marine recruit

Note: not found in Merriam-Webster’s dictionary

To err is human,

        To forgive is divine.

                Neither is Marine Corps Policy.

If you find yourself in a firefight, forget about God, forget about country. There are just two things you can depend on – your M-1 Garand and the Marines on either side of you.

        Rifle instructor

        Rifle range, Camp Mathews, California

"The Marines I have seen around the world have

                                            the cleanest bodies,

                                            the filthiest minds,

                                            the highest morale, and

                                            the lowest morals

                            of any group of animals I have ever seen.

                    Thank GOD for the United States Marine Corps."

                                                                    Eleanor Roosevelt, 1945

ADVICE FROM A SALTY WORLD WAR TWO VET

Never stand when you can sit.

Never run when you can walk.

Never walk when you can ride.

Never volunteer.

And, never, ever, pass up a chance to take a decent sh*t.

I’ve written this book in honor of the men and women of the U.S. Marine Corps who have served this country for nearly two and a half centuries. There hasn’t always been a formal Boot Camp, but since the Corps established it, Boot Camp has been the single common thread that ties us together, regardless of when or where we served.

As in all walks of life, not all Marines are wonderful human beings. While I was stationed on Okinawa there was a celebrated case of a Staff Sergeant, working high up in the procurement system, who ran a black market operation specializing in stolen U.S. heavy equipment - such as a huge crane. During my time at San Diego, two AWOL Marines were stopped on the highway by a California Highway Patrol officer. One of them shot him with a stolen .45 and they jumped back into their vehicle to run. Before he died the officer pulled his own pistol and emptied it into the back of the car as it was pulling away, hitting both killers. While I was at Camp Pendleton, a Marine having domestic problems, got drunk, stole an Amtrak, drove it into the ocean and emerged on an Oceanside beach. What followed was a chase slower than O.J. Simpson’s. The cops had to wait patiently as the vehicle tore up the town streets until it ran out of fuel. In those four years I also encountered a few NCOs who were clearly running out of time as their combat experience had carried them about as far as it could. All these people were the exception. While there were various levels of competence varying from fair to excellent, the vast majority, as in all branches of our military, served with honor and pride.

When I enlisted in 1958 there were plenty of Korean War vets and still a goodly number of those who had served in World War II. The wars obviously had an impact on some that was more obvious than on others. 3/5 had a Staff Sergeant who had served in Korea as a young, dark haired private. One week after returning to the States his hair turned snow white.

I also had the privilege of serving under (then) Lt. Col. Kenneth J. Houghton while he was C.O. of 3rd Battalion, 5th Marines. The colonel was a hard-charger who commanded the respect of all the Marines in the battalion. It was obvious that he was destined for high rank. By the time he commanded 3/5 he already had an impressive record. His obituary, written by Carl Nolte, April 1st, 2006, tells the story. Starting as a 2nd Lieutenant in 1942, he was shipped to the Pacific where he participated in the invasions of Tarawa and Saipan, earning his Captain’s bars in 1944. When North Korea invaded South Korea in 1950 Houghton was commanding a rifle company at Camp Pendleton. His company was rushed to Korea, joining the 1st Provisional Marine Brigade – the Fire Brigade – in the desperate battle to hold the Pusan Perimeter. The Fire Brigade was sent wherever the fighting was the hottest and the enemy threatening a break-through. He then participated in the Inchon landing. During the drive on Seoul, Houghton led a hand-picked team swimming across the Han River, …feeling out the North Korean defenses and taking out sentries, paving the way for the Marines to cross in force. Later, in his 3/5 battalion office, the colonel kept a prized framed photograph, published in Life magazine, of the main-force crossing the Han, which was taken at the instant he earned his first Purple Heart. The photographer caught the explosion of what was probably a mortar round in the water next to Houghton’s command, wounding him. He also earned the Silver Star and the Bronze Star for gallantry in Korea.

By the time he retired as Major General, Houghton had commanded the 5th Marines in Vietnam, commanded both the 1st and 3rd Marine Divisions, and was commanding general of Marine Corps Recruit Depot at San Diego. Along the way, besides the ordinary citations, Houghton accepted the presidential unit citation for the 5th Marines, was awarded …the Navy Cross, a gold star in lieu of a second Bronze Star and two other awards in lieu of a second and third Purple Heart, the Legion of Merit with a Combat V, and several South Vietnamese medals. Maj. Gen. Michael Myatt (Ret.), president of the Marines’ Memorial Association in San Francisco, said of Houghton, He was a Marine Corps Legend.

That being said, I dedicate this book to the most interesting Marine I ever met, Staff Sergeant (E-5) Jack Groves. I met, and worked under, Jack Groves at my last duty station, MCRD San Diego, where I served the final year of a four year hitch. He was a tall, good looking Marine who could have graced any recruiting poster. Jack should have been at least a Master Sergeant but, he confided in me, he’d been busted a couple of times when carousing got a little out of hand. He did love his beer (And, in fact, brewed his own in the garage of his off-base home).

One day, I was working and listening to Jack and the officer in charge of our office, a crusty Warrant Officer 4 who was also a World War II and Korean War vet, as they discussed who was saltier. The Gunner had just told us a story about standing guard duty on the front gate at MCRD, San Diego, shortly after returning from the Pacific. He said most of the old guys were still a little trigger-happy, relieved at being alive and not inclined to take much sh*t. This particular day, he had stepped out of the guard shack as a car approached the gate, which was plainly marked that all vehicles would stop to be checked by the gate guard. The car slowed but did not appear to be stopping so he held up his hand, palm out. He could see the bumper sticker identifying the owner as an officer - a young, newly commissioned 2nd Lieutenant in this instance. The shavetail casually flicked a salute and kept coming. Without hesitating, the Gunner said he stepped back, unholstered his .45 automatic and put 2 rounds into the trunk of the car as it passed the guard shack. He said the Lieutenant had clearly pissed his pants when he stopped and exited his car with hands raised, screaming Don’t shoot! Don’t shoot! The Gunner laughed, saying they couldn’t bust him because he was still a private and the Lieutenant was clearly wrong to not stop. Finally Groves issued a challenge. Hell, Gunner, I’ll bet you ten bucks I have more time in the military than you do. The Gunner jumped at the bet, knowing Groves was obviously younger than he. Groves said he would settle the bet the next day. I could hardly wait. Groves didn’t make boasts he couldn’t back up.

The next morning I was in the office early, waiting for the showdown between two grunts for whom I had a great deal of admiration. Groves came in and I saw that he had a thick binder under his arm as he went to his desk. The Gunner came in about 15 minutes later, got his coffee as he settled in, and the show was on. I moved in close to witness the decision as Groves opened what turned out to be a thick scrap book and photo album. Groves told us that his dad had been a China Marine. He had taken his retirement there, as had been allowed in the 1930s, while Jack was still a kid. Jack showed us a couple of old pictures and then pointed to one of him, at age 11, with a group of young Chinese boys, all carrying packs and all clearly uniformed. The Japanese army was running rampant in 1938 and Groves had been drafted into the Chinese Nationalist Army as an ammo humper for the troops. He kept turning pages which chronicled his service in China, then to the Royal Scottish Highlanders (he had a picture of his naked butt under his kilt), on to the Canadian Marines until finally coming home to the states to join the Marine Corps. Groves had served since before the U.S. entered World War II, with few breaks, in one military or another since he was 11 years old. The Gunner just said Sh*t and laid out two five dollar bills.

I have always hoped Sergeant Groves survived Vietnam. I’m sure he would have served several tours by the end of the conflict. That’s just who he was, a career Marine who always advanced to the sounds of battle – a Marine’s Marine.

iJim's picture.jpg

THE VALUE OF SACRIFICE

Our universities should be the bedrock of our free society. But a study by McLaughlin & Associates shows that students, by 51 percent to 36 percent, favor speech codes for students and faculty, a third could not identify the First Amendment as the guarantor of free speech.

Thirty percent of self-identified liberal students believe the First Amendment is outdated.

On Thursday, Nov. 10, 2016, the U.S. Marines, our first and oldest military branch, celebrated the 241st anniversary of its founding. The next day was Veterans