Tears of My Angel: A Memoir of Love, Hope, and Lost Dreams

By Benedetta Lino

Life is unpredictable. When we least expect it, it can be changed forever. That moment came for author Benedetta Lino when her one-year-old daughter was diagnosed with cerebral palsy, the possible result of a serious adverse reaction to the DPT vaccination. Yet in the years to come, Benedetta refused to give up hope and refused to let her daughter experience anything less than true and unconditional love.

Heartwarming, yet bittersweet, Tears of My Angel recounts the years of struggle, pain, love, and hope that the Lino family endured. Benedetta recounts the early years of her daughters life, of the numerous tests and hospital stays, until the diagnosis ?nally came in 1985. But from that moment on, things only became more di?cult.

As Benedetta and her husband learned to care for their daughter in the comfort of their home, they found strength in each other and in the love they had for Laura. As the years passed, and the normal milestones of a childs life passed with-out being celebrated, the family instead celebrated the beauty of life, of Lauras courage, and of the power of love.

Tears of My Angel inspires, educates, and encourages, but most of all, it rea?rms the ability of hope and love to sustain us through our darkest days.

• Language: English
• Publisher: iUniverse
• Release date: Apr 9, 2012
• ISBN: 9781475906615

Benedetta Lino

Benedetta Lino was born in Palermo, Sicily. She came to the United States in 1966 and attended Our Lady of the Angels grammar school and the Immaculata High School. Lino resides in Elmwood Park, Illinois, with her husband, Tany, and their two children.

Book preview

Tears of 

My Angel

*  *  *

Benedetta Lino

iUniverse, Inc.

Bloomington

Tears of My Angel

Copyright © 2012 Benedetta Lino

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ISBN: 978-1-4759-0663-9 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4759-0662-2 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-4759-0661-5 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2012905570

iUniverse rev. date: 3/24/2012

Contents

Dedication

Forward

Acknowledgements

Introduction

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Conclusion and advice

Dedication

Tears of My Angel is dedicated to my beautiful and precious daughter Laura. My love for you is indescribable. You are the life of my life. Your tears of pain have cut through my soul and your smiles have sent my heart soaring. On this journey I have learned the true meaning of motherhood, sacrifice, and complete devotion. I have also learned that true love has no obstacles or boundaries. It is completely unconditional.

Forward

by Robin Rothbard, M.D.

Laura Lino has been under my medical care from the age of 21 through to her current age of nearly 27. Other than a bout of pneumonia in 2006, these have been relatively uneventful years. But that, in itself, is a fairly remarkable statement. After all, for most young women those are very eventful times; the years, in which they could be expected to meet their life partner, start a family, complete their education or begin a career. Laura, of course, has done none of these things. It can’t be said, however, that she experiences no awareness of the passing of time.

When I come for a medical home visit, her room is always decorated to reflect the current season. It is clear that she witnesses the evolving life of her home and family, humans and pets, and experiences this life as much as she is able to. No one is ever in a position to truly measure the quality of another’s life; but whatever quality of life Laura has, it is due to the fact that her family has striven to create it for her, to allow her to be a person living in her home.

When we think about children who experience devastating injuries early in life, we tend to picture them as the small children that they were rather than the adults they will become. What will become of them, and the journey that takes them there, represent complex questions that our society has not yet, and perhaps may never, come to a consensus answer on. Benedetta Lino has had to face and live those questions in the way that most of us never imagine that we ever could. She has taken that journey with her daughter; I look forward to reading her story.

Acknowledgements

To Tany, my wonderful husband and best friend, I want to say thank you for your immense love and for your courage and devotion which have given me the strength to go on. In my eyes and in my heart you are a true hero. My admiration for you goes beyond words. My love for you is endless.

To my daughter Barbara; you came to us as a little bud and now you have blossomed into a beautiful flower. I am proud of you and all your achievements. I love you!!!!

I want to thank my cousin Francesca, who recently took the time to learn how to care for Laura. In case of an emergency, I know I can count on you. I am forever grateful. You are a very special person and I love you dearly.

I would like to thank Doctor Robin Rothbard, Laura’s former physician, for contributing a very beautiful and thoughtful Forward to my book. Your words have truly stated the reality of Laura’s life and how we, her family, make the difference of how her life is lived.

I want to thank my family and friends for all their good wishes on the success of my book. It means a lot to me.

A heart felt acknowledgement goes to the wonderful people in the medical field; the doctors, nurses, therapists, paramedics and so many more. Your respect, compassion and understanding do not go unnoticed.

Introduction

The decision to write Tears of My Angel, came to me some years ago as my husband and I sat at our daughter’s bedside in a children’s hospital in Chicago. I chose the title carefully because I wanted to capture exactly what my memoir is about. It is remembering the worst hours, minutes and seconds of our lives. By that, I’m referring to the suffering of our child.

As parents, there was nothing worse than seeing our child suffer so much, and being helpless in relieving that suffering. We became filled with fear and deep anger at the injustice of it. We struggled to find some reason to want to keep living. Something to hold on to, even as we felt ourselves sinking into a deep dark hole.

We realized that the love that had united us was also the love that gave us the will and the strength to go on, no matter how difficult the challenge. It also allowed us to hope even in the darkest of times. Writing Tears of My Angel was very difficult. Remembering also meant reliving events I wanted so much to forget. The immense sorrow, the pain, and the anger were always there as I wrote word after word. I didn’t stop because I promised my daughter that I would tell her story to the world.

In telling Laura’s story, somehow I felt I was also telling the story of so many other children like her. I also hoped that through my experiences, I would be able to give some inspiration and worthy advice to other parents struggling with such a difficult challenge, just as my husband and I did and continue to do so, to this very day.

Chapter 1

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July 24,1982

It was a beautiful sunny day, a perfect day for two hearts to be joined together. There I was at the altar standing beside the most beautiful and wonderful man I would ever know for the rest of my life.

I can still hear the words spoken echoing through the air, Do you, Benedetta, take Gaetano as your husband, to have, and to hold, for richer and for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do you part?, I do, and Do you, Gaetano, take Benedetta as your wife. Those words meant everything to us but didn’t need to be spoken. In our hearts we already belonged to each other. We were then, and always would be, deeply in love. Love and hope, such small words, yet monumental in their meaning and in the power they bestow. Two of the strongest forces that would help us live through the most horrible tragedy of our lives. They would give us the strength, the courage and perseverance we would need to make it each and everyday.

It was a beautiful day. As the wind blew through my hair; my veil was swept up behind me like a soft cloud. I felt an excitement and happiness inside of me that I had never felt before. I looked at my husband and couldn’t believe how lucky I was. In the days that followed we began our life like all newlyweds. We were exploding with happiness. I was twenty-two years old and Gaetano or Tany pronounced like Donny was twenty-six.

August of 1982, One month into our marriage we got the most exciting news. We were expecting our first child. We were happy at the thought of becoming parents. We contacted everyone to tell them the wonderful news.

We called Tany’s parents in Palermo, Sicily. They were very happy. It was another beautiful experience we were living through. We were going to have a baby. I never thought life could be so wonderful. Like all soon-to-be parents, hopes and dreams began to pour into our hearts and our minds like rivers flowing into an ocean. Our dreams were endless. We went for many long peaceful walks. It was autumn under beautiful skies and colorful trees, with cool breezes caressing our faces. Then winter arrived, so we bundled up and walked in the cold crisp air over white glistering snow. Spring was finally here.It was a time of renewal, a time of birth. On May 11, 1983, at 1 a.m., the long awaited moment had arrived. We were filled with excitement and joy. Tany quickly called the doctor and our families.

Then we were off to the hospital, where we were met by my mother, sister and other family members. The pain was getting worse and my mother tried to reassure me that this was normal. Then came the long hours in labor. Tany was always at my side holding my hand tightly and drying my tears. The time came to go to the delivery room and Tany gave me the strength to bring our child into this world. The delivery was quick. The miracle of life was there before our eyes. The doctor said, Congratulations, you have a beautiful daughter. He handed the baby to Tany. Tears of pride rolled down Tany’s face as he stared at her in amazement. Holding her carefully, he brought her over to me. She was all pink and soft. As I kissed her velvety skin I called her, My little rose. Our beautiful daughter was born on Wednesday, May 11th 1983 at 7:58 a.m. We named her Laura. It was a name we both loved.

Once at home, we began a new life. This time we were three. As first time parents, we worried about every little thing. We felt a great sense of responsibility. Yet, above all, we felt very lucky and very privileged to have received such a precious gift. Just when we thought we couldn’t be happier, we realized we were happier than ever. Since Tany’s parents couldn’t be with us to share in this joyous moment, we sent them pictures of their first grandchild and kept in touch by phone and letters. Every time I spoke about Laura, I said, My daughter, just those two words made my heart grow bigger from the pride and joy I felt. It was wonderful becoming a mother

Laura was growing and becoming more beautiful everyday. At two months she was due for her first immunizations, DPT and OPV. At that time she also had a complete check-up. The doctor said she was healthy and strong. He said she might develop a fever from the immunizations and be a bit irritable. He suggested we give her Tylenol every four hours if needed. That evening Laura had a slight fever and cried a little, so we gave her some Tylenol. The following morning Laura was fine and her usual giggly self. Around this time, Tany and I began talking about returning to our native country, Sicily. It was very hard to forget its splendor. It is one of the most beautiful islands in the Mediterranean. Sicily has many unique features, like the marvelous sea that surrounds it, and the golden beaches that seem to frame the steep and rugged mountains. The climate is almost perfect all year long. Sicily’s rich history is told by the many monuments and ruins of past civilizations, which give this island its rare beauty and its mysterious charm. The food, wines, pastries, and gelato will please not only your pallet, but also your heart. The miles and miles of coastline, the architecture, the olive, orange and lemon trees that perfume the air are all wonders to behold. For Tany and I and our little Laura, this was going to be an almost magical place in which to live.

We began the preparations for our move. I was very excited about returning to the land where my roots were, but I was also filled with sadness for the people I loved and would leave behind, my mother my sister, and my brothers. I told myself not to worry, I would visit them and they would visit me. Besides, we would write so it was going to be okay. Still, I felt sad. Laura was growing lovelier every day. We were enchanted with her. Taking our eyes off of her for just a moment was a moment lost. We just stared at her for long periods of time. It was amazing how such a little child can give so much joy.

We knew the moment she was born that she and any other child we might have would always be our first priority and everything and anyone else would have to take second place. Our lives evolved around Laura. She was our first thought in the morning and our last thought at night. We adored every little inch of her. Tany loved taking pictures and was an excellent amateur photographer. He took many pictures of Laura, trying never to miss a special moment. He started a charming photo album. He drew the cutest characters. He pasted pretty flowers and wrote funny phrases that described each picture. He wanted to capture all the happy moments as Laura grew from baby to teenager to adult. This would be her gift. Her life up to that moment would be all captured in pictures by her beloved father.

There are no words to describe his love for her then and now. Too many times I’ve heard people speak of a mother’s love and devotion. Rarely have I heard about a father’s love and devotion towards his children. Many wonderful loving fathers have never received the recognition of their unconditional love and endless sacrifices for their children. I believe it’s because of the ideal image of mother and child, giving birth and breast feeding that people think there can’t be any bond closer than that. September of 1983

Everything was set. We had our passports, and we decided that Laura and I would leave first. Tany would continue working for three more months in order to earn extra money that would help us get settled once he arrived in Sicily. In the meantime, Laura and I would live with his parents. This transit would be difficult. Tany would suffer not being able to see his little princess for all that time. Three months would feel like a lifetime.

Tany had written to his parents to inform them that Laura and I would be leaving on The 8th of September. They were very happy to know that their very first grandchild would soon be in their arms. Laura was almost four months old. She was due for her second immunizations. I called the doctor’s office to explain that we were leaving on the 8th, and asked if it would be alright to bring Laura in. I was told it would be fine. On the morning of the 6th of September, Laura received her second shots, DPT and OPV. The doctor gave Laura a check-up and said she was healthy and strong and was gaining the appropriate weight for her age.

That evening