Lola: A 'Not-Quite' Witchy Love Story: Magic and Mayhem Universe: The 'Not-Quite' Love Story Series

By Julia Mills

Being single in a world where everything is thorn-covered roses and bags of bloody bones sucks! Heidi's got Hunter, Bert's got Luci…hell, even Lucifer's got Trixie and then there's me, the sexiest alter ego this side of Purgatory… stuck inside a Hellhound who's happier than a zombie at a Doom's Day Party at the body farm.

Sure, Heidi and her Hunkie Hellhound hump like rabbits getting ready for Easter but even that's gotten boring. I need to get out, see the Underworld, sow my wild oats. I mean, a girl's gotta get hers while the gettin's good, am I right?

It's taken six long months of bitchin'… I mean persuading, gentle persuading, but Heidi's finally agreed to find me a body. So, it's back in the Lady Bug Express and off to West Virginia, but this time we're avoiding the crazies and heading straight for Asscrack.

We're gonna find Zelda, the next Baba Yaga, have her yank me outta Heidi and shove me into a fresh new body then bingo bango, Lola's gonna get her groove on. It looks like I might even end up with some powers, seems Cookie, the chickie giving me her skin, was a Witch when she was still breathing. Imagine that… me with magic. I'm positively giddy at the idea.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Julia Mills
• Release date: Aug 27, 2018
• ISBN: 9781386493303

Book preview

Foreward

Blast Off with us into the Magic and Mayhem Universe!

I’m Robyn Peterman, the creator of the Magic and Mayhem Series and I’d like to invite you to my Magic and Mayhem Universe.

What is the Magic and Mayhem Universe, you may ask?

Well, let me explain...

It’s basically authorized fan fiction written by some amazing authors that I stalked and blackmailed! KIDDING! I was lucky and blessed to have some brilliant authors say yes! They have written brand new stories using my world and some of my characters. And let me tell you...the results are hilarious!

So here it is! Blast off with us into the hilarious Magic and Mayhem Universe. Side splitting books by fantabulous authors! Check out each and every one. You will laugh your way to a magical HEA!

For all the stories, go to https://magicandmayhemuniverse.com/. Grab your copy today!

Chapter One

Did that sign seriously say Assjacket? Are you sure we shouldn’t have turned left instead of right at the Gates of Hell? Heidi growled, obviously getting more nervous and infinitely more frustrated with every mile we traveled. I don’t remember Zelda saying anything about Assjacket. She pounded her hand on the steering wheel Wasn’t it Asscrack? I swear she said Asscrack. My favorite Hellhound reached into the passenger seat, shuffled through her papers, and grumbled rather vehemently about pushy alter egos and pain in the ass witches.

Yes, I’m sure. I may only be a voice in your head but I took meticulous notes. Zelda was quite clear that she couldn’t remember the real name of the town but that her name for it was Assjacket or Asscrack and that was what the signs she’d leave for us would say. I sighed. This is, after all, my one and only chance to get the frick out of your head and into a flesh bag of my own. Do you really think I’d screw this up? Puleeeaasseeee, Mrs. Hunky Hellhound, has all that sex and having them pups addled your brain?

Yeah, sure, I was being a bitch, it was my go-to setting after all, but Heidi was being overly cautious. I was nervous and time was wasting and my bestie, who usually jumped first and asked questions later, was acting like an old grandma trying to cross the street without a boy scout. Besides, Zelda told us everything in this little backwater town was bespelled to look like a dump so the humans would drive right through, remember? I was getting louder by the syllable but unable to stop my frustration now that I had opened the bag. You’re not human so you can see through it if you’d just open your damned eyes and look.

All right, Lola, damn. Take a chill pill. This is huge for both of us. I need to make sure I get home to Hunter and the kids in one piece. Excuse me for being overly cautious. I have responsibilities to the people I love.

I’ll excuse you when I can zap your ass with my mighty, mighty magic, I sighed under my breath.

I heard that, slut.

Meant for you to, harlot.

I guess I should stop right here and explain. First of all, my name is Lola. No last name; just Lola, like Madonna and Cher – at least in my dreams. I’m the super sexy alter ego of Heidi, the not-quite Hellhound. For thirty-some odd years, I’ve been the voice of fun and irreverence in the head of a self-obsessed, materialistic, arrogant lawyer otherwise known as Heidi Schwartz. My poor dear had her soul sold to the devil by her bitch of a mother, was squished by the number ten bus, ended up in Hell as a flea-ridden, butt-sniffing daughter of Cerberus, but in the end, found her happily ever after with hunky Hellhound Hunter and also became the not-quite Hellhound of legend who has the power to overthrow Lucifer and run Hell. (Let me add that she abdicated her throne to the King of Hell as long as he behaves himself. While I understand her reasons, I would’ve at least played the part for a month or two just for the perks. I mean, come on, Queen of Hell. Can you imagine the fun? Yeah, you see what I mean. I even have a list. Be nice and I might show you.)

I know you’re thinking it sounds like I should be happy living in such a powerful chick, but let me stop you right there. While I have enjoyed living vicariously through my girl, Heidi, it is nothing compared to what I know I can do if given my own body. I have, after all, learned a lot riding bitch with one helluva lawyer and a kick ass not-quite Hellhound, and I think it’s time I try it on my own. Besides, Heidi and Hunter are in love—like seriously, sickeningly, happily-ever-afterly in L-O-V-E. For a fun-loving chick like me, it’s nauseating at the best of times and absolutely intolerable every other second of every day.

For instance, my girl recently gave birth to a litter...I mean set of sextuplets of the cutest little soon to be Hellhound Shifters in all of Hell, which seriously put a crimp in our relationship. Now that she’s a mate and a mother, Heidi is simply no longer any fun. At. All. She is obsessed with diapers and teething, sippy cups and educational toys, hair bows and matching outfits, and just all things cute and cuddly. *shiver*. What’s even worse is that with all her new-found power, the bitch is able to lock me away...shut me up...ignore *gasp* me.

Now, I ask you, is that fair? If she was honest with herself, Heidi would realize that I’m responsible for ninety-nine percent of all the fun she’s ever had. I’m the reason she stripped down to her skivvies at the office Christmas party and made out with the boss, which resulted in her first promotion. The one who made her try her first quad shot, no foam, caramel macchiato and asiago bagels, which she cannot live without, kids or no. It is I who fueled her love of all things Prada, Jimmy Choo, and Hermes. I made her take her first taste of Cristal and put her first dollop of Dean & Deluca Imperial Gold Caviar on a blini. Hell, it was your girl, Lola here, who egged Heidi the frump into slipping her first Louis Vuitton bag onto her arm, which became her favorite bag and led to a collection worthy of Paris Hilton. Dammit all...I. Am. Amazing. So, I ask you, why would she not want to hang with me twenty-four seven?

Because she has responsibilities - a wonderful husband, beautiful children, and no time for an alter-ego who just wants to party and have sex all the time. Heidi grumbled. And remember, we share a brain. I can hear everything you’re saying.

Sorry, stick-in-the-mud. I’ll try to keep it down.

Guess, I better hurry this up. I’ll try whispering. There, can you still hear me? Okay, good. So, now you see what I’m dealing with, which leads me to the reason for a trip out