The Flip Flop

By Frank Diekmann

It’s January 20th, 2018. One year to the day since President Hillary Clinton was sworn into office after losing the General Election by 2.9 million votes, but winning the Electoral College 306-227.

The election may mark the fifth time in U.S. history a president has been elected after receiving fewer votes than an opponent—but it’s the first time the opponent has completely rejected the results and refused to concede, going so far as to set up his own alternate White House on top of his Washington hotel–the hugeliest, most best, most Trumpiest White House ever! And tens of millions of American voters agree Donald J. Trump is the President of the United States.

The Flip Flop is a funny, smart, and droll vision of the alternate universe that could very well be the United States today had the 2016 Presidential Election results been flip-flopped, with a well-funded, self-aggrandizing, social-media savvy losing candidate declaring himself the rightful winner; an often detached from reality but passionate “base” (and majority of voters) rejecting the Electoral College results, and a major television network reveling in its great luck and ingeniously finding ways to fuel the fire (and its own ratings) on a 24x7 basis.

At its core, The Flip Flop offers a fresh, farcical and entertaining skewering of how quickly the Velcro viewpoints of voters, politicians, the media and others can change, depending on nothing other than political affiliation, the alternative facts one chooses to believe, and what drives profits and TV ratings. Today’s firm opposition to an issue can easily be tomorrow’s support. The Electoral College? Russian meddling? Voter registration? It seems everyone has rock solid, unambiguous convictions on those issues and others, right up until they don’t. Thirty-three years after 1984, perhaps the only person who might recognize 2018 is Winston Smith. And he didn’t even vote—or did he, perhaps more than once?

In the one year after taking office in 2017, President Hillary Clinton has found herself befuddled, her dreams and plans for a new administration constantly sidetracked as she fights to defend the legitimacy of her presidency. As for Trump, he’s on top of the world, having gotten more out the election than he could have ever dreamed. Even though he privately seethes over the Electoral College vote (and calls for the Department of Education to defund it as it's a "very bad university"), Trump is also secretly overjoyed. Why sit in dull meetings that require attention spans and the reading of “reports” when a simple 280-character Tweet is all that’s needed before hitting the golf course?

Now Clinton finds herself in a daily fight not with ISIS, but to keep her administration from spinning out of control as Trump operates from his own West Wing (but West Wingier!). In no time he’s appointing his own “incredibly great, great, great” cabinet members (with one eliminated each week on his NBC reality show “The Apprentice: The Cabinet”); hyping an “unbelievable” health care plan that is based primarily on former running mate Mike Pence’s ability to form prayer groups, and announcing an IPO for The Great Trump Wall, Inc., which he says is being created to build the wall along the Mexican border that fake President Hillary Clinton won’t build (working class Americans use what little savings they have to snap up the stock based on promises of huge returns, never seeing reason to read the fine print on something called a Prospectus).

The Art of the Deal never dealt so good.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Frank Diekmann
• Release date: Jul 29, 2018
• ISBN: 9780463795842

Frank Diekmann

Frank J. Diekmann is a 25-year veteran of newspaper reporting and editing, having covered sports, travel and financial services. Along the way this included, sadly, many, many nights in hotels, where a TV was usually on in the background, and many years in vehicles and airplanes listening to classici rock and pop music. Diekmann has reported from more than 500 industry conferences and has leaned on a strong sense of humor to get through them all, building a significant following for both is fiction and non-fiction.

Book preview

The Flip Flop/Chapter One

12:01 a.m., Nov. 8, 2016

@RealDonaldTrump

It’s officially election day in USA! We invented democracy, and today we start to take America Back! I guarantee you!

12:40 a.m., Nov. 8

@RealDonaldTrump

Dixville Notch just voted for CrookedHillary? More like Dicksville Nuts. New Hampshire not even in the USA. 6 voters, and 4 were Canadian illegals, 1 a Frenchie!

6:15 a.m., Nov. 8

@RealDonaldTrump

Polls open in east. Vote for me, and watch for illegal voters—@NeedMoMeds says tens of millions expected. Help me take country back! #Rigged!

8:41 a.m., Nov. 8

@RealDonaldTrump

Even if I don’t win today, it won’t be because I didn’t work hard. My sacrifice has been worth it for the country! Making America Great!

11:20 a.m., Nov. 8

@RealDonaldTrump

Just showed future 1st lady Melenia how we vote in a demagoguery! I checked; she voted Trump! So she’s a 10!

2:07 p.m., Nov. 8

@RealDonaldTrump

Lamestream media already giving election to CrookedHillary. So corrupt. @HunkerInBunker76 says he’ll never surrender!

3:05 p.m., Nov. 8

@RealDonaldTrump

A great day. Lots of support. HUGE turnouts. We’re on our way to victory and draining the swamp. Make America Great Again!

3:18 p.m., Nov. 8

@RealDonaldTrump

The great Mike Pence is delivering! God just told him everyone in Midwest is voting Trump! Exit polls are always right and show BIG wins! I guarantee you.

3:43 a.m., Nov. 8

@RealDonaldTrump

@Nuts4Trump says shooting at Asuza CA polling place. Internet says Hillary gun nut targeting Trump voters. Has to be true. That won’t stop us!

4:10 p.m., Nov. 8

@RealDonaldTrump

Elite media reporting we’ve won Rhode Island, 1 of biggest states in USA! On our way to DC! Thanks Rhodesians. Making America Great!

4:40 p.m., Nov. 8

@RealDonaldTrump

NY going to CrookedHIllary? After I created every job in NYC? And built incredible, best buildings with my exclusive name on them? Won’t happen. Believe me.

5:16 p.m., Nov. 8

@RealDonaldTrump

@AmericanManson reporting ISIS members voting in Chicago. Obama in on it. What did I tell you?!! It’s happening people. #Rigged!

6:05 p.m., Nov. 8

@RealDonaldTrump.

Polls closing in some places in East because Trump voters are in lines. Win or lose tonight, I’m so proud of what I’ve done. America!

6:42 p.m., Nov. 8

@RealDonaldTrump

Watching CNN—do they intentionally have no news babes? All 4s, one MIGHT be a 5. Just unwatchable. #SadNewsChix

7:08 p.m., Nov. 8

@realDonaldTrump

Elite media says Crooked Hillary has ‘won’ Florida. Figures. Remember they gave us George W. Bush. That says it all.

7:48 p.m. Nov. 8

@RealDonaldTrump

Tight race, but no one knows pressure like me. Fox says I have more TOTAL votes now. Plus Fox talking heads have great tits! #TalkingTits

8:06 p.m., Nov. 8

@RealDonaldTrump

In a democracy person with most votes wins, right? Right?!!!! This is America! #Rigged

8:14 p.m., Nov. 8

@RealDonaldTrump

Like I always do I’ve been biting my tongue…but believe me, I’ve got BIG CONCERNS about Electoral College. Rigged!

8:15 p.m., Nov. 8

@RealDonaldTrump

I called this in 2012: Electoral College is a DISASTER for democracy. Wolf Network now says I’m right. Media elites support EC! Sickening!!

8:37 p.m., Nov. 8

@RealDonaldTrump

My kids are being super-great over this news, but this is why I didn’t let them attend Electoral College. CrookedHillary is a grad!

8:38 p.m., Nov. 8

@RealDonaldTrump

The great Trump U would beat Electoral College in any sport. I guarantee it!!!

8:39 p.m., Nov. 8

@RealDonaldTrump

Which reminds me, America, I was super college athlete. Played though heel injury (I think), which kept me out of Vietnam. #McCainFailure

9:06 p.m., Nov. 8

@RealDonaldTrump

Not liking what I’m seeing in big delays in PA vote. Something phishy in philly!! I smell something, and it isn’t the phish!!! Rigged!!!!

9:21 p.m., Nov. 8

@RealDonaldTrump

Of course media elites giving Illinois to CrookedHillary. @MeinFuhrer1933 says fake home of Kenyan Obama didn’t even count real votes.

9:33 p.m., Nov. 8

@RealDonaldTrump

It’s rigged, but so proud of my voters tonight! & don’t forget super Trump Make America Great items still for sale on website. #Clearance!

9:43, Nov. 8

@RealDonaldTrump

Just won, MO, KY, KS, OK, MS, IA, LA, NE. Thanks farmers, pickers. Lotsa votes in Electoral College, which is brilliant system!

9:52, Nov. 8

@RealDonaldTrump

Wolf Network reporting Texas goes TRUMP!!! Says lots of the brown people voted for me! Celebrating with a taco!

9:52 p.m., Nov. 8

@RealDonaldTrump.

Almost forgot most important Texas news! Am building new TRUMP hotels in Dallas, Austin. Will be muchos bestos and nowhere near wall.

10:06 p.m., Nov. 8

@RealDonaldTrump

Media elites still won’t announce PA! Only Wolf (new hotties on) dares to report Crooked Hillary’s dirty tricks in PA to steal 20 electoral votes.

10:06 p.m., Nov. 8

@RealDonaldTrump

@GrabEmByThePu**y saying 3rd Wolf babe from left is hottest, but I think #2. I could have any of them, but who would you take? #BabeElection

10:11 p.m., Nov. 8

@Real Donald Trump

@RightWhiteMight reporting missing Crooked Hillary emails include detailed plans for stealing PA by promising to open kid sex ring pizza franchises in the state!

10:17 p.m., Nov. 8

@RealDonaldTrump

(Money losing) NY Times says CrookedHillary has won NY. My state! @MuslimPrez says Times helped rig this! I may move Trump Tower. Unright!

10:23 p.m., Nov. 8

@RealDonaldTrump

What’s IS GOING ON with PA vote? Breitbart must do super-investigation! Why no announcement on vote???

10:25 p.m., Nov. 8

@RealDonaldTrump

@F&#kTheFacts now saying busses of Mexican voters were delayed getting to Philly. Obama seen driving 1 of the busses! El-riggo!

10:48 p.m., Nov. 8

@RealDonaldTrump

CNN and (still failing so bad) NY Times say CrookedHillary just won Mich. Their cars are crap. But I still have most votes overall!

11:03 p.m., Nov. 8

What! Media elites CNN, (almost out of biz) NY Times, networks now claiming PA has gone to CrookedHillary! 20 EC votes stolen from America!!!

11:04 p.m., Nov. 8

@RealDonaldTrump

Media elites don’t even question the PA vote. What a joke! Proves they are totally in on it. Don’t believe anything they say. PA loves Trump!

11:05 p.m., Nov. 8

@RealDonaldTrump

Mike Pence just joined me to pray for PA and for America with Bible passage on justice!!!! Confucius 4:1

11:06 p.m., Nov. 8

@RealDonaldTrump

I call on all my supporters in Pennsylvania to get your guns! Crooked Hillary can’t steal your votes and must be stopped!!! This is Amarica!!!!

11:14 p.m., Nov. 8

@RealDonaldTrump

I will be filing lawsuits over PA vote tomorrow! Recount, ID checks WILL happen. 44k vote difference in PA all in Philly! So fixed!!!

11:17 p.m., Nov. 8

@RealDonaldTrump

I have 500K MORE votes tonight! Most votes means I’m the winner. Electoral College is a joke, and not funny. America is a DEMACRAZY!!!

11:23 p.m., Nov. 8.

@RealDonaldTrump

Eric and Junior VERY upset over America not getting its way! Having Guadalupe make them cocoa.

11:31 p.m., Nov. 8

@RealDonaldTrump

Still planning BIG lawsuit against Electoral College, but Jared urging we make big donation, instead. Says that changes college decisions.

11:47 p.m., Nov. 8

@RealDonaldTrump

Even NY Times (in bankruptcy tomorrow) now says I have 750,000 more votes now than CrookedHillary! America wants Trump! Democracy!!!

11:56 p.m., Nov. 8

@RealDonaldTrump

Molinia just asked how many students go to Electoral College? So cute and sexy! Best rack of any first lady. (But really, how many?)

12:19 a.m., Nov. 9

@RealDonaldTrump

My lead keeps growing and growing, America. I got the most votes today in presidential election. I’m the WINNER!!!! Believe me!

12: 28 a.m., Nov. 9

@RealDonaldTrump

Founding Fathers were morons. Electoral College created so they could start global warming hoax! America never needed it!

12:29 a.m., Nov. 9

@RealDonaldTrump

Seriously! This is exactly why President (not!) Al Gore did movie about global warming heating up EC fraud!

12:41 a.m., Nov. 9

@RealDonaldTrump

Even CNN now saying I’m ahead by ONE MILLION votes. Wolf says it could be FIVE MILLION. I’m the winner, winner, WINNER!

12:49 a.m., Nov 9

@RealDonaldTrump

@VladdyPKGB1 says elections hacked; my votes given to CrookedHillary. Not sure how he knows, but he seems confident and loves America!

1:23 a.m., Nov. 9

@RealDonaldTrump

I have good math brain. 64 million larger than 62 million. That’s MORE votes. Electoral college makes U.S. a laughing stock.

1:41 a.m., Nov. 9

@RealDonaldTrump

More votes equals a loss? Revolution!

1:55 a.m., Nov. 9

@RealDonaldTrump

CrookedHillary being declared winner. By who? ONLY by Media elite. Not by America! This is so wrong!!! #MostVotesMeansWinner

2:03 a.m., Nov. 9

@RealDonaldTrump

Mike Pence says gays behind this. I’ll be filing lawsuits in every state we supposedly lost, but WON!!! Trump never loses!!! #NeverSettle

2:07 a.m., Nov. 9

Mike Pence says transgenders were able to vote twice for Hillary in liberal states. So wrong? Have you ever seen a hot transgender? Never!

2:14 a.m., Nov. 9

@RealDonaldTrump

How does stupid Electoral College overrule Americans? They probably have ugly co-eds, all 2s and 3s. They don’t make America great!

2:31 a.m., Nov. 9

@RealDonaldTrump

We can’t let this happen We should march on Washington and stop this travisty. Our nation is totally divided, thanks to CrookedHillary!

3:07 a.m.

@RealDonaldTrump

Rigged. Rigged. Rigged. Rigged. Rigged. Rigged. Rigged. Rigged. Rigged. Rigged. Rigged. Rigged. Rigged. Rigged. Rigged. Rigged. #Rigged!

3:09 a.m.

@Real Donald Trump

Very rigged. Very rigged. Very rigged. Very rigged. Very rigged. Very rigged. Very rigged. Very rigged. Very rigged. Very rigged. Very rigged. #Very rigged!!

3:13 a.m., Nov. 9

@Real Donald Trump

So incredibly rigged. So very very very very very rigged!!!! Really really really really really really really rigged! #VeryReallyRigged!

3:25 a.m., Nov. 9

@Real Donald Trump

Not fair. Not fair. Not fair. Not fair. Not fair. Not fair.

Not fair. Not fair. Not fair. So totally unfair.

3:46 a.m., Nov. 9

@Real Donald Trump

Elite media keeps asking when I will call CrookedHillary. OK, here’s my concession speech: I GOT MOST VOTES. I AM PRESIDENT OF THE US

The Flip Flop/Chapter 2

This is no good; it needs to be biglier, bleated the man behind the desk as he used his petite, almost dainty cream fingers to shove the beige paper portfolio back across his desk toward the alluring young woman in the backless burgundy dress that would have been too tight and too short for any company that had in place dress codes and policies regarding appropriate office attire. But this wasn’t one of those places. This was a great place. The. Greatest. Place.

His words had been direct and brusque, but now as he looked up from a tweet in progress–

@RealDonaldTrump

Can’t bear to look at today’s pantsuit? Terribel, totally aw…

–and for the first time drank in the set of stocking-free legs across from him before following them north to the rest of the package, his tone changed, as did his attention. He didn’t need to ask; the man knew she had already signed her non-disclosure agreement.

"Small is for losers. I’m not a loser; you know that, right?" he said, his voice just a bit softer as he pushed himself back from his black Chevy Suburban of a desk and stood erect to his full 6’3, plus the other three inches of hair that he always counted toward his height. He was fond of trying to use his stature to his power advantage, especially around attractive young ladies. The fresh little appetizer opposite him was maybe 5’9 in her office-mandated stilettos, and faster than he typically figured cost-per-square-foot he pegged her at maybe 5’4 in her adorable little bare feet. That wasn’t really his chick target market; he typically preferred his women supermodel-tall with a balance-challenging Barbie Doll rack, the kind of babe bling that ensured he got the eyes in a room. But still, she was doable.

"I don’t do losers, the man repeated, his lips in an exaggerated oval to pronounce do and his emphasis frat boy obvious. In a bespoke white shirt bearing the Trump National Doral name and a crest that included two golden stags humping a waxberry bush, along with a maroon tie emblazoned with the same family crest that implied Queens, New York was home to the landed gentry of the tri-state area, Donald Trump stepped out from behind the desk on which he had placed his phone mid-tweet. Do you?"

The double-entendre was as much intentional as it was, after seven decades, an involuntary reflex.

The young woman, Kaylee or Kyla or Kristal, Whatever—he didn’t need to know her name or care if she even had one—understood the cheesy reference and wasn’t intimidated. She placed her smooth right hand on her petite and cycle-class taut right hip and responded, "I don’t do losers, either." A small smile curled in the corner of her luscious red lips. Those glorious red lips would look so good around him, and his mind helplessly wandered down a well-worn path and into a familiar landscape.

There was an awkward silence as the man fantasized, her longish blond hair reminded him of someone. But who? And then the Trump Do-we Do Her Decimal System (Trump Library of Hotness ®, trademark 1983) retrieved the critical information. She looked just like that little hottie on the Swiss Miss Chocolate packets he had once seen in an employee’s still-open desk drawer as security was having her removed for violating company policy by hitting age 40. He planned to ask that she braid it; God, how he had always wanted to do that Swiss Miss girl in her golden pony tails and red ribbons. She’ll be more like Swiss cheese when I’m done with her, he thought.

Kaylee or Kyla or Kristal or Whatever watched as the man returned a slightly larger smile of his own. She noticed he was thicker than she had expected him to be and now that she was meeting him for the first time up close, observed just how much he was rockin’ the reverse raccoon, his eye sockets pale and white from the