First Love

By Tiffany Goens Bussell

Just when the Russell Family had finally gotten their lives back to some normalcy, new trials creep up, causing them to question God again. Isnt that just like the enemy?

Gene Russell A devoted husband even after thirteen years although at times, its questionable. It could be a number of reasons why hes not feeling the same way he did years ago: Is he no longer attracted? Is it another woman? Is he just bored with Deshea? Gene cant put his finger on it. Meanwhile, everything else around him is beginning to slip away before his eyes and his pride, as the head of this household, might cost him what matters most if hes not careful.

Deshea Russell Also devoted, although its questionable who or what her heart is actually devoted to. Deshea has the life; good husband, good job, supportive mother, a good son -- What more could she want? Well let her tell it, her life is still unfulfilling; still missing something. Despite the issues that lie in front of her; Deshea still decides what better time to begin a journey to find herself again. During her self-centeredness, God allows tragedies to wake her up and force her to face reality.

Dorian Lorell No longer Gene and Desheas mild-mannered thirteen year-old. Hes fifteen now and altogether different. New attitude, new thoughts, new habits, new desires and new circle of friends. Life for him is just about to get sweeter once his real dad, Maleek, comes home from prison. Things would certainly change for everyone now. Maleek would make up for the fifteen years of lost time he missed with his son Dorian. Dorian couldnt be more excited. No longer would peoples actions affect or get in Dorians way of happiness and if they tried, they would pay.

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse
• Release date: Nov 6, 2008
• ISBN: 9781467840200

Tiffany Goens Bussell

Tiffany Goens Bussell is not only the author of First Love, but also the author of her very first novel Though Trials Come.  Yes, God continues to get the Glory! Tiffany was grounded, rooted and raised in Indianapolis Indiana where she has been developed and nurtured by many supporters including: her husband, children, parents, siblings, Pastor, church family and friends.  Tiffany enjoys serving in ministry, fellowshipping with friends and spending quality time with her family.  Tiffany also enjoys reading great books from other inspiring writers during her leisure time. Her Christ-centered marriage of eleven years and being blessed with three wonderful children has been a number one motivator for Tiffany to want to bless, encourage and inspire others through her writing.

Book preview

PROLOGUE

That dream felt so real that my heart is still racing and I can hardly catch my breath. I hope I don’t wake anyone up with my heavy breathing. I think I’ll just lie here a little while longer with my eyes shut. I really need to calm down. My body is still shivering and I’m not even cold.  In fact, its down right hot in this house! My goodness, what do they have the temperature on in here, 90 degrees?!

Lord, you would have thought they were trying to kill me up in here by suffocating me to death. If I wasn’t so exhausted and weak I’d kick off this hot and heavy blanket. Humph! That dream was really something. It almost seemed real. Let me think, what was it about again?

I remember some dancing going on. Oh, and that gorgeous smile with them beautiful white teeth. Teeth so white, they could pass for veneers! And what else…let me think. It seemed so real. I hate when I forget. I know one thing, I am burning up! I can feel beads of sweat forming around my forehead.

What I would give to feel the subtle coolness of a baby’s breath blowing on my warm face right now, lying and snuggled all up against me. I would even love it if somebody would just crack open the window and let some fresh morning air blow in. Now that would do me some good.

My heartbeat is beginning to finally slow down now that I’ve taken several deep breaths and tried to relax my nerves.  I just can’t get over how real that dream felt. I felt alive again. It was exciting and adventurous. I felt as if a missing part of my life had suddenly found its way back to me.

Oh, that’s right. Water. In my dream I remember seeing lots and lots of it – like a big blue ocean.Miles and miles of water with no land in sight. Oh, and a great big boat, like the size of a ship –- sailing the great big waves.It’s slowly coming back to me now. I can remember the cool breeze blowing on our faces and the fresh smell of ocean water.  Shoot, if I could just remember the rest. Hopefully, I’ll fall back asleep and continue the dream where it left off. It felt so real. I wish I could re-live it again. If I could just recall the events or at least make out the faces that now only appear to be a blurred vision in my mind.

Oh Lord, now my sheets are beginning to feel like itchy flannel bunched up underneath my skin.  There’s no way I’m going to be able to fall back into my slumber in this kind of heat and discomfort. There goes the alarm.  Shoot! Is it that time already? The thick dry air was beginning to cut at my throat anyway so I might as well force myself on up and get me some water.I hate being this tired. My eyelids feel weak, too weak to lift open. I’m exhausted and can’t even cough or lift my head to see what time it is.  I sure wish somebody would turn off that alarm for Christ sake!

What was that dream about again?I just need ten more minutes.I dread getting up and starting this day because it just came to me that today is the day I’m sure I’ll be confronted with what I’ve done. I’m almost sure of it.The truth was supposed to have been revealed last night.I made sure I wasn’t around when it happened either. My biggest fear is what they might think of me now. I don’t look forward to seeing the hurt in their eyes.

Was it possible for them to forgive me? I only did what I thought was right at the time. I must get up and make them understand that.

Mama?

My thoughts were interrupted by this faint calling. I froze, not

saying a word, acting as if I were still asleep. I took a deep sigh and tried to mentally prepare myself for what was about to happen next.I hear the name being called once more, this time louder.

Mama. Mama?I kept still for just a little while longer hoping they would at least have enough sense to turn off that annoying alarm clock.  

Daddy. They began to say next.  Oh, I’m irritated now.  I’ve decided to just ignore them altogether, including the loud buzzing alarm clock.  They’re just starting way too early for me, I tell you the truth.  Can’t I get a moment to get up and catch my bearings for heavens sake?  After a few seconds, I faintly hear them speak again, this time in a more desperate tone.

"How could you! How could you do this to me! How could you do this to us?! they whined.

I knew it. I wasn’t ready for this. They’re disgusted with me now and I’m in no mood to defend myself this early in the

morning. And who turned up the heat?  Can’t they feel that?  Ok, now they’re touching my chin and moving my face from side to side.

Wake up! Wake up! I want to talk to you.I’m tempted to respond back to them by saying, ‘I’m sorry dear,

I’m not ready to talk right now’ but instead I keep quiet and continue to pretend to be sleep.  But now my arm is being pulled and I’m beginning to hear fits of frustration.

Please wake up! We have to fix this! Today!

They’re trying desperately to get my attention and now I hear them weeping.  Their cool, wet tears were dripping down onto my face and it feels so good to me right about now, although I’m beginning to feel a little guilty because it’s obvious they’re shocked and upset over what was just revealed to them.

If only I could just get back to that dream.Everything was much more peaceful there. The alarm was still beeping in my ears.  Oh what the heck, let me just get on up and face my challenges head on.  It would have to happen sooner or later anyway.

I decided to open my eyelids but suddenly discovered that they wouldn’t open.  I then tried to use the muscles in my hands and arms to rise up but then realized I had no strength to do that either.  My brain is trying desperately to instruct my lips to open up, at least, to say ‘good morning‘, but for some reason, the message is not reaching. The voice I hear is getting more and more faint and I’m struggling to make out what they’re saying to me now.  I’m trying real hard now to blink, wiggle my nose, wiggle my toes, rock my body, hum a sound, ANYTHING to wake my body up.  I need to just stop panicking.  I forced myself to take a deep breath and relax before trying it once more.   

It’s imperative now that I get up and explain myself.  They need to understand why I did what I did.  It was for their own good…I thought.  I need to tell them that I’m sorry and that I love them — that God loves them even more than I do.

I took one more deep breath and suddenly my eye’s flung open and before me was a beautiful face staring down into my eyes. Their face was so close to mine that I could actually feel the coolness of their breath sweeping across my perspired forehead. They warmly smiled down at me and at that moment I felt at peace.  Had I been forgiven?  Could they cleary see why I did what I did?  My questions were undoubtedly answered when I heard their sweet voice begin to sing a song.  It sounded familiar but I couldn’t quite make out where I had heard the song before.

Their melodious voice was comforting and the words soothed my soul like a lullaby. I became more and more relaxed as I just laid there enjoying the moment.  Surprisingly, I was no longer hot and uncomfortable. The words of the song were giving me strength to want to get up and face the day. It was beginning to give me hope for the future. It was giving me such joy and peace. The only problem was, I was also feeling tired again and much too relaxed.

Before I realized it, my eyes were closed again and I began to sink quickly back into my dream. This time the dream seemed more real than it had before.  Everything looked so much brighter and colorful — clearer, lovelier, and newer.

Lord Jesus, it’s beautiful! Oh, it’s so beautiful!

ONE

DESHEA

THIS HAD TO BE THE MOST ELEGANT AND CLASSIEST SHIND IG that I’d ever been to. I couldn‘t get over how beautifully decorated the place was. Earth tone colored balloons, scented candles, streamers, expensive wine, contemporary jazz with a mix of soft R&B. The dim lit room was highlighted with floating candles centered on top of each rounded dinner table. The tables surrounded a spacious dance floor. I couldn’t wait for us to get out there and have some fun — for a change.

The fancy banquet hall room was filled with some of the most well-known and successful people in the city, including my very own distinguished-looking husband, Gene Russell. He looked so handsome in his brown designer taylor-made suit that had several specks of color in it and underneath was a burnt orange colored shirt with a tie that magically brought everything together. Gene’s hands looked clean, strong and manicured and I loved how he unconsciously flashed the gold from his wedding band and watch whenever he smoothed down his beard and gold tee.

Earlier, before Gene arrived, I had snuck over to check out the west side of the building and discovered more elaborate conference rooms and intimate private dining areas. The smaller dining areas reminded me of The Colonade Room.I couldn’t help thinking about Victor Newman from the Young and Restless. Everytime he felt the desire to propose to a new woman, he would take them, wine them and dine them in the most special and romantic place, The Colonade Room. I always liked his character. Strong, confident, important, distinguished and he didn’t have a problem spending money. Victor was my kind of guy.

After taking a few more sneak peeks through some of the other dimly lit rooms, I decided to rush back over to the other side of the building where the lights shined bright and more people were beginning to arrive. I wondered if I’d ever get the opportunity to be invited back to the Colonnade Room. It would certainly have to be a special occasion for that.

Two hours into the evening and I had done nothing more than sit and watch others enjoy themselves with their spouses and families. I found myself sneaking off for some peace and quiet in the fancy ladies restroom. At least in there, I could feel productive with my time because I sure wasn’t getting anywhere with my husband. The ladies room was clean and the carpeted floor was so plush that I could have crawled up in the corner and took a nap.

Once I did my business in the stall I stayed in the restroom for what felt like almost a half an hour. Layed out across the comfortable couch near the full-length mirrors, I began to wonder if Gene even missed me or noticed my absence. This night had become a total flop. I almost wished we would have just went to church instead. We weren’t having a good time at all. At least I wasn’t. He was most likely out there on the dance floor right now having himself a ball with all of his rich friends — electric sliding and cupid shuffling.

Before I decided to get on up and show my face again I checked myself one last time through the oval-shaped mirror over the marbled sink. I noticed the oily part of my forehead could have used a little powdering. The rest of my face didn’t need much touching up, in my opinion anyway. My make-up was as flawless as Angela Bassett‘s in Waiting to Exhale. I puckered out my lips which were shined and colored to perfection and then I practiced a performed smile one last time.

I turned to the full-length mirror on the wall next to the exit door and viewed my full body reflection. I was satisfied. I loved the dress I was wearing. My mother, Rose, gave it to me as a Christmas gift exactly one week ago at our Christmas Eve dinner. I was so surprised and very much excited when I opened up her gift. She remembered that this was the one dress I crazed over months ago when I first spotted it at Macy’s. The price had been too steep for me. It would have been one of the nicest outfits I owned.

I felt instantly rich and important the moment I first slid the dress on over my head and allowed it to fall and cling around all the curves of my figure. I couldn’t wait until Gene saw me in it. The dress was a much appreciated gift and it was just what I needed for this occasion. Mama had no idea that I’d be wearing it this soon to a New Year’s Eve party. Had she known I needed a dress for a party that I’d be wearing on New Year’s Eve with no intention of going to church for Watch Night, she’d have given me something altogether different this year.

The door to the ladies room pushed opened abruptly by two ladies making their way in to find an open stall. I suddenly felt beckoned by the high volume of laughter coming from the other side of the wall. I could hear people still getting their party on, gearing themselves up for the midnight hour. The year 2007 was approaching quickly in less than an hour.

I made my way back to the table and noticed Gene was missing, casually glancing around the large and busy room until I spotted his face amongst the crowd. He appeared to be enjoying himself, greeting and socializing with his rich and well-off business associates. He did more talking with them, the few hours we’d been there than he’d done with me the whole night long. He had a glass of wine in his hand and was sharing a hearty private laugh with his good friend Lonnie Brash. I tried to recall any part of the night that Gene and I shared a laugh but couldn’t think of any. That wasn’t good. This was supposed to be a fun night for us — I had hoped, anyway. This marriage could definitely use some fun. It had been lacking for way too long.

I dreaded being seen by myself – sitting at the table all alone. It made me feel so unpopular and unnoticed. I felt needy and pathetic. I just sat there, crossing my legs, consciously posing myself as a woman with confidence. Deep beneath my skin my blood was beginning to boil. It was bad enough that I had to drive myself to the party. Earlier, Gene had gotten held up at the recreational center, running behind as usual and then drove the opposite direction to go pick up and escort his good friend Congresswoman Janie Larson to the party. He was so delighted and honored over the phone when he called home to tell me that she had asked that favor of him. Regardless of Congress lady’s old age, I wasn’t too fond of seeing her arms intertwined with my husbands when they first arrived through those banquet room doors earlier that evening.

When I glanced back to see who Gene might be socializing with next, I rolled my eyes, looked at my watch and sighed. I was relieved when the caterers finally brought out more hot wings and potato salad to the buffet table because I was starving. My eyes perused the activity happening on the dance floor and I began to rock my body to the beat of the music. The other adults appeared to be having such a good time out there dancing along with their teenagers while they showed off the latest dances. I instantly thought of Dorian and wondered if he’d have enjoyed himself with us tonight or would he be too busy protecting his cool image to join the rest of the teens. I decided to get me another cocktail plate of wings and potato salad and hurry back to my seat.

There you are. Where have you been hiding? Gene asked, pulling out his chair to sit down. I flashed him my Cover Girl smile and reached to hold his hand, relieved that I hadn’t touched the greasy chicken yet.

I told you earlier that I had to go to the restroom. I changed the subject quickly. Let’s dance Gene.I’m really not feeling this song. He shrugged. I wonder how Dorian is doing at home by himself. Have you called to check on him yet? No, I did not. I said with annoyance. This isn’t his first time staying at home by himself. He’s got the telephone and BET at his fingertips. I’m sure he’s doing just fine. Now come on honey, we’ve been here for hours and haven’t danced once! Let’s get out there and have some fun — it’ll be over in thirty minutes.

He looked down at my plate. You go ahead and eat your food first, I’m gonna just call home and check on him anyway. Don’t worry, we’ll get us a dance in before the night is over.

Gene, I told you Dorian will be fine. Leave him alone, he’s a teenager. That’s what I’m afraid of. I should have made him come with us tonight. It’s New Year’s Eve and we should be spending this holiday together as a family. I don’t know what I was thinking?

"I had hoped you were thinking that you and I needed this time together…alone. It’s been a long time Gene. Besides, I’m sure Dorian doesn’t mind being home by himself. When I asked him if he wanted to come along with us, he told me ‘No’. So, there ya go."

Gene pulled out his phone and flipped it open.

You give that boy way too many options.  I mean, look around Deshea, a lot of people have brought their entire household to this party tonight.  We shouldn’t have given him a choice.  We are a family and he should be here with us.Oh honey, the boy is alright, why don’t we just — Gene was already walking away from the table dialing the home phone number on his cell and searching for a quiet area to hear.  Once again I felt defeated and was totally disappointed in the way the evening was turning out.  I couldn’t let anyone know it though.  I gracefully perked up and folded my arms to keep from fidgeting.  The food on my plate no longer looked appetizing. My eyes were redirected back to the dance floor but my mind retracted back to Lonnie Brash. Lonnie Brash - a family man and a good businessman.  News reported that he was a millionaire and considered to be one of the city’s finest and well-respected African-American men.  He owned a McDonalds restaurant, a private jet, and he was a building manager of one of the largest and prominent churches in the city.  The last I heard, he recently purchased a yacht and boathouse.  I never understood how he managed to wear all those hats and yet remain devoted and available to his family and wife of over thirty years. Gene and I were doing good to get fifteen years secured around our belt the way we’d been going lately. But anyway, back to Lonnie Brash. That man was quite charming — in most cases anyway.  For the past six months I had been visiting his McDonalds location every morning on my way to work and it disturbed me to no end that this man continued to treat me as if I were a stranger.  Surely, he recognized me.  Aside from the janitor, Lonnie was the only person there that early, opening up the store, prepping and stocking supplies on the front line, turning on grills, and also taking orders for the first hour of each day. As much as that man sees my face, he still has the audacity to ask me the same mechanical question each morning, Welcome to McDonalds, what can I get for you this morning?  I order the same thing from him each and every very morning - a large black coffee, two sweeteners with cream and an egg, sausage and cheese McMuffin.   There was just no excuse for him to treat me so impersonal although very friendly.  I suppose it was possible that he didn’t know who I was.  After all, we had only met once briefly during a church convention years ago when Gene first introduced me as his wife.  Since then, I’ve naturally become no more than just another common face in the crowd to him.  In fact, most of the high class-figured people in this city probably couldn’t point me out in a line-up unless Gene was standing right next to me.  But that was fine though because I didn’t expect to live in his spotlight for too much longer.  It was high time I made a name for myself. I was sick to death of only being known and associated with as just ‘Gene’s wife, who works at Fertile Ground for her husband doing…whatever it is she does there.’The more I thought about it, the more upset I got.  I have determined that this was going to be my year.   Everyone would soon see the new me.  Gene would then be associated as ‘Deshea’s husband’ for a change.  I smiled hard at the fantasy. Deshea? My name had never sounded so sexy.  Goose bumps instantly busted through my skin.   I twisted around and let my eyes gradually ascend up to this tall, lean, casually dressed, well-built figured man.  He had to be no more that what, fifteen years older than me?  He stood, towering over me waiting for me to meet up with his charcoal gray-seasoned eyes.  I displayed my Cover Girl smile again.  My heart was pounding so hard I thought it was going to come out of my chest. Well hello, Mr. Brash. How are you? This was different, I thought, trying not to look too confused Oh, I’m blessed. Blessed and highly favored! And you?Well, I’m blessed as well. Thanks for asking. So he does recognize me without Gene after all. Where’s your family at this evening? I asked, glancing around to see if I’d spot them or my husband anywhere near. Well, unfortunately my wife has been fighting the flu for the past couple of days and I offered to stay home and take care of her, but she insisted that I come on out and enjoy myself this evening. I actually didn’t see the point, but now that I’m here…. He was smiling generously down at me, I’m glad I did. It gives me a chance to fellowship with friends again, something I don’t get to do too often.

Did his big beautiful dark gray eyes just roam over my entire body? Surely my eyes were deceiving me. I must say Deshea, you are looking absolutely stunning this evening. And I do like the new hair cut. It’s very becoming on you. Lord what did he have to go say that for? Where was my husband? He needed to be the one giving me compliments like that. I was beginning to feel somewhat awkward especially since his eyes hadn’t left mine yet. I tried to quickly think of something interesting to respond back with.

Thank you. You don’t look too shabby yourself tonight, was all I could muster up. Finally, Gene was headed back to the table. His facial expression told me that everything was ok at home.

Hey man, you over here hitting on my wife? Gene asked playfully and they both smiled and gave each other more hand play.

Yeah man, you better keep your eye on her. He joked back. Seriously man, I was just telling your wife how great she looks tonight.Thanks man — Appreciate that. Hey don’t forget about our lunch date soon. I got some things I want to run by you.That sounds good. I’ll give you a call after we get good and settled into the new year. Right now, I think I’m going to go find me a drink — countdown is approaching you know. I watched Lonnie as he walked off and mingled with others. He sure did have a nice smile. I sighed and turned back to my husband. So? How was Dorian? Good. I’m still not 100% comfortable with him alone like this though. I rolled my eyes while he rested his attention on the dance floor. So what was he doing when you called? I asked him what he was doing and he said he was ‘just chillin.’ Just chillin, huh? Just like I thought Yeah. And he also said he invited a few friends over to help bring in the new year. He said ‘Dad, I hope you guys won’t mind.’said WHAT!? Has that boy lost is mind? I straightened up and stared at Gene. He was still looking toward the dance floor. That’s the same thing I had asked him. Believe me, I was about to lose it until he cut me off and finally told me who these ‘friends’ of his were. Gene looked at me and grinned. They were um, let me see, Lil Wayne, T-Payne, Missy Elliot, Beyonce, and some other rappers. I forgot the names. I sighed and shook my head, sharing his grin.So in other words, that boy is partying with BET like I figured he’d be doing. Humph, he’s something else. Well at least we know he’s alright. I don’t know about all of that. Especially if he’s staring at nothing but bling-bling and half-naked gyrating women prancing around in those videos all night. You worry too much.And you could show a little more concern sometimes. Whatever. I started picking at my now cold chicken wings. I could feel him watching me.You do look very nice tonight, honey.Thank you. I jerked up and smiled.Come on, let’s dance. It’s ten minutes until countdown. He said, while rising and reaching down for me to stand up as well. I didn’t dare question his sudden last minute mood change. He was better late than never. The DJ had just put on one of my all time favorite songs too. It felt so good to finally be stepping and swaying with my mate. From the look on his face, he appeared to be enjoying it as much as I was. Step in the name of Love, Step in the name of Love, Groove in the name of Love, Move in the name of Love Alright people are we having a good time this evening or what?! The DJ interludes after about five minutes into the song — we all responded back to him in cheer.

Alright, alright, alright! Well, as ya’ll can all see on the big mega screen on the wall, we have five minutes left…in FIVE minutes, we will be stepping into the year of 2007!

We responded in cheer even louder but I was secretly wishing the DJ would shut up and turn the volume back up so I could continue stepping in the name of love before this night came to an end. I was surprised when Gene grabbed my hands and brought me in closer to him as we stepped from side to side on beat. He let go of one of my hands and twirled me around with his other arm. I was on cloud nine. This was what I had been waiting on the whole night. I was enjoying this. I felt like I did years ago when we celebrated our tenth anniversary — we were still in love then. I didn’t want this feeling to end. I prayed that this New Year would bring restoration for our marriage. Most of all, some fire, some pizzazz, some something! Oh here came my favorite part of the song. I was pleasantly surprised when Gene engaged me more and got into position for this next part.

Step, Step

Side to Side

Round and Round Hit the Ground

Step away

Bring it back,

let me see you do the love slide…

Every couple on the floor was in sync with their steps and it flowed almost as smoothly as it did in R Kelly’s video. I was sweating as if I had just had a full work out — in my fancy dress and heels. I tried to gracefully wipe away the moisture on my forehead but it was pointless.

It was less than a minute before countdown and the DJ slowed the music down a little.

Alright party people, we’ve got 45 seconds to bring this new year in proper! Now what I want each one of you to do is this, quickly grab the nearest glass of champagne OR grab your sweetheart, whichever is closest. Everyone laughed and quickly followed the instructions as it was now down to 30 seconds until countdown. Gene and I both remained on the dance floor, still stepping together from side to side, slower this time to Isley Brothers‘oldie but goodie, ‘You know that I am living, for the love of you’.

"Have I told