The Gift of Middle Age

By Donna Elliott

As we approach our middle age all of us, to at least one degree or another, can expect to experience a tumultuous period of transition. We can no longer deny that we are increasingly showing signs of age or that we have fewer years ahead of us than behind. How do we survive this time of our life with grace, joy and lots of laughter? Despite the many challenges we face in our middle years and the multitude of inescapable emotional and physical changes, our midlife has the potential to be some of the best years of our life.

• Language: English
• Publisher: iUniverse
• Release date: Jul 12, 2011
• ISBN: 9781450292276

Book preview

Contents

Chapter 1

When Our Youth is Dead, it is Time to Mourn and Move On

We Are Middle Aged Like it or Not

Do I Look Older Than You?

We Have to Keep Laughing

Don’t Ask Me My Age

Don’t Ask Me My Weight

Chapter 2

How Can We Slow Down the Clock?

Turning Point or Crisis?

Preparing to Forgive Ourselves and Others

Chapter 3

Life’s a Bitch and Then You Die

Helping Us Live Longer, Healthier Lives

Chapter 4

What Else Could Possibly Go Wrong?

Eyes

Ears

Taste and Smell Receptors

Tooth Enamel

Skin, Bones

Muscles

Digestive System

Blood Pressure

Liver, Kidney, Bladder

Body Fat

Chapter 5

Use It Or Lose It: Changes In Memory

Sensory Store

Short Term Store

Long Term Store

Chapter 6

Grieving Our Losses

Aging: Impossible to Ignore

Chapter 7

Talking About Menopause

Women and Menopause

Male Menopause

Chapter 8

Take Two Aspirin and Call Me in the Morning

Struggling to Regain Control

Chapter 9

I Hate Diets

Chapter 10

What To Expect When We Are Aging

Could it be Alzheimer’s?

Chapter 11

We Never Stop Developing

Chapter 12

The Dreaded Midlife Crisis

What Exactly is a Midlife Crisis?

Chapter 13

It’s Time to Make Changes

It is Normal

No Time for Fear

We Are Not Alone

Change is not the Same as Escape

Throwing Away Our Marriage

Moving On

Chapter 14

Time Is Running Out

Making the Best of the Time Left

What is Really Going On?

Chapter 15

Who is More Likely to Experience a Midlife Crisis?

Midlife Clichés

Midlife Transition: Not a Crisis Anymore

Moving Our Body

Stop Eating Ourselves to Death

Chapter 16

We All Could Use a Little Luck

Would We Want to Live Forever?

Chapter 17

The Gift of Middle Age

Bibliography

Appendix

Chapter 1

When Our Youth is Dead, it is Time to Mourn and Move On

Aging is an unavoidable and inescapable process for us all; if we live long enough.

Yet to date, there has been surprisingly little research on what we can expect to feel and experience as we grow older, most particularly as we move into middle age. As a result, much of the human aging process around this time continues to be unexplained and is therefore, unexpected. I have heard the expression ‘aging is not for the weak’ or the ‘faint of heart’ many times and of that, I am already certain. I have no doubt the years to come will be increasingly challenging. So, how do we cope and how do we make the best of our remaining years? What physical and emotional changes can we expect as we approach midlife? How can we be healthier and grow older with grace and joy? The only alternative to aging is death and so until then, I hope to be strong enough to deal with whatever is thrown my way with at least a modicum of grace and acceptance, and hopefully with a lot of fun and laughter.

With more information and knowledge about aging, we will find ourselves better prepared to navigate what promises to be, an often challenging and difficult time. All of us, and especially women given that we tend to be more communicative about personal experiences than our male counterparts, must make an effort to share our midlife experiences, our thoughts on aging and noticeable mental and physical changes.

We cannot deny or ignore that ourselves, our friends and our family members are all aging and changing over time and along with these changes we are, at times, going to experience a sense of loss and sadness. We must not pretend we don’t think about it or pretend it is not happening to us or our parents. It is important for us to network. With knowledge and discussion we will learn we are not alone in our feelings and concerns and we will be better able to understand what is normal, and perhaps what is not. We have the ability to empower both ourselves and those with whom we share our experiences.

In the pages ahead, there is information about many of the changes to our bodies and minds we can expect as we age, what some of the past research has said about adult development and what some of the more recent research is saying about the middle age experience today. I hope by sharing some of my own experiences with aging and with my ongoing midlife transition, you will find information that will generate a deeper thinking about this life stage and initiate a greater dialogue between yourself, your family, friends and doctor. By doing so, I hope you will be better able to successfully navigate your own transition into midlife. After you have read this book, I hope you will have a better idea of what you can expect in the years ahead and be better prepared to deal with changes as they occur at midlife. I also hope you will have a better understanding of what your partner, friends and other family members in their middle years may be going through during this stage of life.

We Are Middle Aged Like it or Not

First of all, if you are approaching 50 or are between the ages of 50 and 65, you are, like myself, middle aged. It may at times feel incredulous that this could be happening to you. As we become increasingly aware of our youth passing, we can find ourselves going through a period of mourning, a time of disillusionment, anger and/or frustration. Our lives however, were never meant to remain static. Life is in a constant state of change and development. Just as we have experienced the passing of our childhood or for those of us who have children, the end of the years we spent raising our children, the death of our youth gives us the chance to begin again, discover a new life and a new sense of self. Often something must die for something new and wonderful to begin, and I am convinced our middle years have the potential to be the beginning of some of the best years of our lives.

Given that people in the Western world are living longer today than ever before in history, we are likely to have more middle years to enjoy. People are not only living longer but we are also living healthier and as a result, the middle stage of our development has expanded more than any other. Basically, we have added more years to the middle of our life than we have at the end.

Never before in history have people in any significant number experienced what many of us will today. Few before us either experienced the gift of longevity or the benefit of better health for so many of these years. We look younger and act and feel younger than others in past generations and our tasks, joys and obligations are much different today. We are not like the middle agers in our parent’s generation. We are forming our own new and unique generation.

Given the increase in our longevity is relatively new, it is not surprising middle age has only recently begun generating discussion and interest among researchers. Before this, information about the midlife experience came primarily from studies that looked at the problems and challenges faced by people around this age as they cared for an elderly parent for example, or an adult child still living at home. Only recently has our midlife been identified as its own important stage of adult development and a stage worthy of further research.

Researchers are also beginning to understand the science of aging with the aim of providing us with more information on how to further improve the quality of these years. To date however, there is still very little known to help inform and guide us through these years and with few role models or mentors we are basically foraging almost entirely unaided into new and uncharted territory.

Do I Look Older Than You?

One of the big issues we face in midlife is having to adjust to the innumerable losses in our physical and mental abilities that occur during these years. These losses can be shocking and even disheartening at times, and it can take some time for us to discover that the impact of these losses can, in many ways, be offset by the many gains we can also make at this time.

The first noticeable signs of my own physical and mental decline were certainly shocking to me. If you are in your 40s, 50s, 60s, or perhaps even your late 30s, I am sure you too have spent time in front of the mirror studying the changes in your face; the wrinkles as they appear around your eyes, or the ones you see over your eyebrows when you first wake up or the sagging skin as it begins to appear on your neck and chin. Few of us ever really want to talk about the aging we see in ourselves. I have found whenever I have mentioned the changes I see in myself, the responses I typically hear from my friends go something like, Oh don’t be silly, you look great or Oh, you look better than I. (I have not heard that second line too often, but you may have.) We are hesitant (or perhaps fearful) to acknowledge the changes we see in our own bodies and we certainly don’t want to point out the signs of aging we notice in our friends. If we did, our honesty is surely not going to be appreciated and chances are, we would not continue to be friends for long.

I have found very few people who are willing to listen to me or to share their feelings about aging and I believe I am particularly fortunate to have a wonderful network of female friends with whom I share and from whom I learn. I am also fortunate to have a wonderful and usually very honest husband who almost always responds to any of the concerns I have about my aging body with the comment, You are beautiful to me (not that I want to complain about that too much). My three children; well, who are more critical of their parents than our children? Most often though, we seem to need to pretend it is not happening, but it is. We are all growing older, increasingly showing signs of aging and yes, eventually we will all die.

We Have to Keep Laughing

You may have heard some or all of these following lines at one time or another;

•    There are three signs of aging. The first is memory loss. I forget the other two.

•    You know you are getting old when you stop buying green bananas.

•    You find yourself in the middle of the stairway and you cannot remember if you were upstairs going down or downstairs going up.

•    Maybe it is true that life begins at 50. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out or spread out.

Old people jokes. In 1927, the now famous psychologist Sigmund Freud claimed jokes were a way for people to express uncomfortable thoughts, a way for us to say what we really feel and think but generally cannot talk about openly. He wrote, Jokes happen when the conscious mind allows forbidden thoughts which society suppresses.[1]

Humor is most often an extension of our anxieties. And there are certainly no shortage of aging jokes around today. We see humorous antidotes about aging on birthday cards and on birthday party decorations for those turning 30, 40, 50 or 60. (somehow it does not seem to be so funny to be turning 20 or 80) There are also humorous musical theater productions like Menopause: The Musical in which the actors make jokes about hot flashes, memory loss, wrinkles and night sweats. Aging is basically fodder for any comedian. In fact, whenever the topic of aging is brought up it is usually in the form of a joke. And those who say 50 is the new 40, well, I figure they really must be joking.

Joking is not necessarily a bad thing. Jokes, humorous plays, articles and books can all help open dialogue on what may have been previously taboo subjects. Also, humor and the gift of laughter will no doubt help us cope with the many natural and normal declines in our physical and mental abilities over time.

Comedian George Carlin (1937-2008), probably best known for his humorous thoughts on