The Rolley Coaster Ride: Surviving Suicide - a True Story

By Carolyn Elise

Book is 404 pages and contains 25 actual photos.



***



My husband Michael killed himself. This is the true story of my life with, and without him. He was my husband of five years, whom I loved very much. One day he decided to take his own life. I lost him to his love affair with drugs. I could not compete.



What do you do when someone you love is consumed, and ultimately destroyed, right before your eyes? In your arms? And you are powerless to stop it? What do you do?



Ride with me on this adventure, which was deeply tragic, yes, but often humorous, somewhat magical, and hopefully, inspirational. Experience the joys and love, denial and despair, betrayal and heartbreak, and ultimately, the decision to rise above my pain, and to soar.



You see, I discovered something along the way. That what I do with my life, if I realize it or not, is my choice. I had to choose if I was going to die myself, just survive, or truly live. I was so blessed to have known him at all, to be loved by him. He showed me the value of life. I choose to not throw such a beautiful gift out the window, just because he had to leave. I choose to LIVE. I choose to honor the sweet soul of my husband. I choose to honor the Spirit of God within me, and TRULY LIVE. This is my story. It could be yours, too.







As a widow who lost the Love of her Life, as a mother of a son who has done drugs, this story is: HEART WRENCHING, SOUL SEARCHING, INSPIRATIONAL A CANNOT-PUT-DOWN BOOK. Thank you, Carolyn Elise, my friend, for telling your story. I love you! Diane Kotula





AN INCREDIBLE STORY OF LOVE, LOSS, AND COURAGE TO MOVE FORWARD. ONE WOMANS JOURNEY INTO AN ENLIGHTENED LIFE. Suzanne Sowa

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse
• Release date: Oct 5, 2005
• ISBN: 9781463498320

Carolyn Elise

This is Carolyn Elise’s first book.   It is her true story, of the life she shared with her husband, Michael, and of the journey she entered into after he decided to take his own life and greatly alter hers.  In a meditation one evening, she heard a Voice say, “Write the Book”, and she simply said, “OK”.  This is it.   She studied at the School of Hard Knocks for over twenty years, majoring in drugs, alcohol, and destructive relationships, with a specialty in various kinds of abuse. She minored in lifestyles generally frowned upon by society, and graduated on Feb 13th, 1991.  For the last fourteen plus years, she has been an honor student at the School of an Awakened Life, changing her major to studies of a spiritual nature, and teaching others in her spare time.  She continues on her path of learning and growing, and is presently enrolled, and excelling in, a course on Creating an Abundant Life.   Carolyn now lives happily, peacefully, and for the most part, spiritually centered, with her three cats in Southern California, and has been enjoying a gentle and loving relationship with a successful musician for three and a half years.  She is currently working on a humorous adventure series of spiritual fiction books.

Book preview

This book is a work of non-fiction. Unless otherwise noted, the author and the publisher make no explicit guarantees as to the accuracy of the information contained in this book and in some cases, names of people and places have been altered to protect their privacy.

© 2005 Carolyn Elise. All Rights Reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

First published by AuthorHouse 09/26/05

ISBN: 978-1-4208-5715-3 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4634-98320 (ebk)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2005907645

Contents

The S Word – Suicide.

THIS BOOK IS DEDICATED TO MICHAEL EDWARDS, MY HUSBAND –

The Force

Acknowledgements and Heart Felt Thanks

About the Author

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

Chapter 18

Chapter 19

Chapter 20

Chapter 21

Chapter 22

Chapter 23

Chapter 24

Chapter 25

Chapter 26

Chapter 27

Chapter 28

Chapter 29

Chapter 30

Chapter 31

Chapter 32

Chapter 33

Chapter 34

Chapter 35

Chapter 36

Chapter 37

Chapter 38

Chapter 39

Chapter 40

Chapter 41

Chapter 42

Chapter 43

Chapter 44

Chapter 45

Chapter 46

Chapter 47

Chapter 48

Chapter 49

Chapter 50

Epilogue

The Voice by Carolyn Elise

The S Word – Suicide.

I survived the suicide of my beloved husband Michael, and chose to Live to tell about it. It is time for the S Word to come out of the closet. It is time for the survivors to stop feeling like they have a disease. I made a decision to Live, and I want to give permission to the multitudes of people who are hiding their secret in shame and in darkness to come out into the Light. We, the ones left behind, do not need to apologize for Living. It’s time for us to allow ourselves to celebrate Life with no guilty conscience. This is the purpose of my story, and also, of course, to honor Michael.

Please, after you finish the book, let me know your thoughts. I would love to hear from you. Feel free to e-mail me at: [e-mail]. Thank you, and may God Bless You.

––-Carolyn Elise

**Some of the names of the people in this book have been changed to protect identities.**

THIS BOOK IS DEDICATED TO MICHAEL EDWARDS, MY HUSBAND –

Who gave me the best of his love, all he had to give, unselfishly and with complete abandon. Who taught me to rise above my insecurities and to truly live. For gracing my life with the sweetness of his love, with side-splitting laughter, and for filling my heart with the most precious memories. For allowing me to love him and share in his incredible adventure here on earth as his wife, and whose spirit is still with me, moving me forward and encouraging me in all that I do. Be at peace, dear man.

 The Force

Written by my Mother, Gloria Stull Plath

From her book

Feathers of my Wings

Watermark Press

Copyright 1999

High on a massive rock anchored in the shore…

I heard a voice within the spray, calling as before.

Icy shock waves pummeled me, and with their retreat,

I felt the healing balm of God… caress my bruised feet.

In flaming red of setting sun, He spoke direct to me…

Spoke to me clearly within the rhythm of the sea.

The rhythm of my breathing changed… my spirit soared

To match the cadence of the ocean - in absolute accord.

A giant wave enveloped me, then spent itself and

Headed out to sea. And as before, the muffled roar

Was clear as it could be: "You see, it’s not only

At this shore where you can speak to me.

I’m always at your door – Listen, and you’ll hear

My voice; feel My force –

- in every corridor."

Acknowledgements and Heart Felt Thanks

To the One Source of All There Is, That Beautiful, Wondrous, Loving, All Inspiring and All Encompassing, Ever Faithful Presence whom I choose to call God/Sweet Spirit, I give my utmost and deepest thanks, for the opportunity to let Your Light shine through me, in the writing and completing of this book.

To my Beloved Gene, The Mighty Gene Liska, for the endless and pure Love that he spoonfeeds me daily, with such intensity, generosity and devotion that he has me floating. Who, by supporting me fully, has helped to lift me from the depths of despair, and has held me up to the light of his love until I could stand on my own, and who continues to lift me to floating, just for the pure pleasure of it. For being the manifestation of my belief, that it is possible to know greater and greater love, if you but have the courage to risk going into the unknown, and dare to become more.

To my sister Judy Rossbach, for showering me always with her special love that only a sister can give. No matter my outbursts of confusion and anger, often misdirected at her in the midst of my grief, she held on to me, allowed me to be, and loved me anyway. For her continuous support in all my endeavors, especially this book, and for being a beacon of light through my darkness. For teaching me the meaning of faith.

To my parents, Dean and Gloria Plath, who together, are my Rock. There was never any question through all of my ordeal, of them being my backbone, my strength, my foundation. Whatever it takes, there are there. Drop of a hat, they are there. Dependable, genuine, true to the real meaning of being parents. I can only repay them for all they give me by accepting their unconditional love and returning it to them, which I choose to do today. No other people can ever take their place in my heart, or in my life. I am so very grateful to have been blessed with such incredible people to call my parents.

To my son Thomas Mettler, if he had not come into my life, I would not be the person I am today, capable of writing a book. His presence and his love throughout my life kept me going in times when I wanted to give up. His spirit is young and full of hope, though I believe his soul is an old one, teaching me far more than I ever taught him. He is my angel here on earth.

To Michael’s daughter Kayleigh Edwards, my beloved step-daughter, what a joy she is in my life, and my constant remembrance of her father, as she carries his spirit within her. She brings me so much love and laughter, with a wisdom well beyond her years. Simply put, she shines so brilliantly, her glow spills onto all who come into contact with her. She is my inspiration, and truly one of the most magnificent people I have ever had the privilege of knowing.

To all my dear friends, spiritual teachers, and extended family, who have believed in me and supported me, and laughed and cried with me along the way. Your value to me is immeasurable, how could I have possibly made it through this journey without you? Thank you so much for being here, and for loving me. As you are all so important to me, I list you alphabetically:

Rita Anderson, Charlotte & Bob Bruns, Curtis & Linda & Tim & Joseph & Janelle & Thomas & Laurel Buck, Krissy Callahan, Rev. Annette Drake, Carol Frost, Monica Herrera, Patty & Todd Holton, Shelly Kelly, Diane Kotula, Michele Liska, Leanna Marlowe, Sherri Monroe, David Parker, Greg Pierce, Gary Plath, Shari Ragan, Jon Renk, Jim Rossbach, Skip Rossbach, Richard Smith and Julie, Suzanne Sowa, Calvin and Cindy Templeton, Lisa Templeton, VJ, my family at the Court, my family at Church, my family in the Recovery Circles, and my four cats, Calvin, Jersey, Turbo, and Superdude.

About the Author

This is Carolyn Elise’s first book. In a meditation one evening, she heard a Voice say, Write the Book, and she simply said, OK. This is it.

She studied at the School of Hard Knocks for over twenty years, majoring in drugs, alcohol, and destructive relationships, with a specialty in various kinds of abuse. She minored in lifestyles generally frowned upon by society, and graduated on Feb 13th, 1991. For the last fourteen plus years, she has been an honor student at the School of an Awakened Life, changing her major to studies of a spiritual nature, and teaching others in her spare time. She continues on her path of learning and growing, and is presently enrolled, and excelling in, a course on Creating an Abundant Life.

Carolyn now lives happily, peacefully, and for the most part, spiritually centered, with her three cats in Southern California, and has been enjoying a gentle and loving relationship with a successful musician for three and a half years. She is currently working on a humorous adventure series of spiritual fiction books.

"You see what

you want to see

and

you hear what

you want to hear"

- Author Unknown

Chapter 1

Are you Carolyn Edwards? asked the woman cop.

Yes that’s me. My mind is racing, my heart is pounding, and my hands are shaking and sweating. Funny, after almost 10-1/2 years without a drink or a drug, the first thing that I think about is – Oh my God!!! I’m busted!!! For what, I don’t know, but I’m sure I’m busted.

These two cops I don’t recognize, they are not in regular uniforms, but I know they are cops. You can always tell, or smell a cop. After 3-1/2 years working in the courthouse, I know all the sheriffs by face if not by name. Who are these two and what do they want with me? The woman is short, shorter than me at 5’4", and she appears to be in charge. The man is taller and standing behind her, but he says nothing.

We are in my boss Sandy’s small office. The door is closed. Sandy is sitting at her desk facing me. They have offered me the only other chair, and they are standing beside Sandy. This isn’t good.

Do you know where your husband is? It’s the woman cop again. I can’t quite pinpoint the tone in her voice.

No. He didn’t come home the last two nights. Ohhh oh, I think to myself. He’s in jail. That’s why they are here. To tell me he’s in jail. That’s where he has been since Wednesday night. Shit, I wonder what he did.

Does he wear a wedding ring? Her again. She’s definitely in charge. The guy, the other cop, I’m starting to wonder what he is even here for. He looks scrawny. Just keeps looking at me. Bugging me.

Yes, I answer her. We both always wear our wedding rings.

Can you describe it for me?

Where is she going with these questions? Well, it’s a gold band with a single diamond in the middle. Why?

Does your husband drink beer? she asks me. She does not answer my question. I notice Sandy is looking down at something on her desk. The two cops are looking straight at me. My mind is desperately trying to make sense of this, reaching into the far corners of my brain, searching for a clue, but I come up with nothing.

Well, yes, lately he has been drinking beer again. He didn’t for a long time. Fear is rising in my throat. Why do they want to know about my husband, and his drinking habits for that matter? What am I supposed to say? Am I getting him into more trouble? There is now a ping-pong game going on in my head…

Don’t say a word. Tell them you want a lawyer. – voices from my past, running with the bikers and from the law – to…

Just tell the truth. The truth is always the best. There is nothing to fear when you simply tell the truth. – the voice of my beloved friend and spiritual advisor in my new life, my clean and sober life.

The woman cop shifts her weight to her other foot. She is taking notes. What kind of beer does he drink, she asks, and does he drink any alcohol other than beer? My spiritual advisor’s voice wins out. Bud. Bud Light. I answer, and vodka, cheap vodka.

How about tattoos? Does he have any tattoos? Damn. She asks too many questions. Weird questions. I don’t get it.

Yes. He has a tattoo of a scorpion made out of naked ladies on his upper right arm. I hear my voice. It is shaking, keeping time with my hands, which have been shaking non-stop since this whole conversation started. ENOUGH!!! a voice screams in my head. Nothing comes out of my mouth. The terror has filled my whole being now.

Mrs. Edwards, from what you have just told us, we are 99.9% certain it is your husband Michael we found dead this morning. He died yesterday morning, around 11:00 am.

NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! He can’t be dead! NO! NO! NO! I would have found him! I looked all over! I went to every motel he could have possibly been at! He wasn’t there!!! Where? Where did you find him?

At a rundown motel, 2 blocks from your house, on Euclid St. she replied.

NO! I was there!!! I know that motel! I was there yesterday morning, right around 11:00 am! His truck wasn’t in the parking lot!! He wasn’t there!! He was…

We haven’t been able to locate his truck she interrupted. He had no identification on him, but you have described the tattoo and the ring we found on him. And there was Bud Light and vodka in the room. We got his address from the desk register, and spoke with your landlord about an hour ago. He told us where to find you.

Her voice is sounding like the voice on a record player, where someone is playing it at the wrong speed, the slow speed. My ears are starting to strain to hear. I feel like I am drowning. Sounds are muted…I can’t breathe…everything in the room is swimming around me, then… A noise cuts through the building insanity in my head like a knife.

Do you want to know how he died? she asks me.

What? What? He overdosed. He had been using cocaine again. He overdosed. I just always thought I would be the one to find him. He told me he had no bottom, no limit—that he could do as much as he wanted. But everyone has a limit I told him. I can hear the panic revealing itself through my words.

Mrs. Edwards. That knife again, cutting ME now. Mrs. Edwards. That’s not how he died. I have to ask you, do you want to know the specifics of how he died?

Her voice has become the knife now. It has sliced open my stomach and is moving up towards my heart. Don’t they all see the blood pouring out of me? Yes, yes. I need to know. I hear myself say. My body is responding to her somehow, but my self is shrinking away somewhere else.

He hung himself with the television cord.

As the knife plunges deeper into my heart and twists, each word she spoke was an additional dagger being thrown into my body, hitting their targets dead on. My heart is now sliced and severed, the remainder of my blood drains out of me. And my life, as I know it, stops. Everything goes black. I enter into an abyss of total darkness, total devastation.

Chapter 2

I don’t think he still wants to marry me. He hasn’t said anything about it for a couple months now. You know he used to tell me all the time how he wanted to marry me. Ever since the second week he knew me. I don’t know what’s happened, but I think he must have changed his mind. Maybe it’s because he is ten years younger than me.

My younger sister Judy, my best friend, answers from the other end of the phone, Oh, Carolyn, Michael is crazy about you. I’ll bet it’s just that he’s been so busy lately. But then again, there is that age difference and you know, you are getting pretty old and saggy looking. That’s my sister, always the one with a joke. She has a great wit. Actually, we are both very fortunate to have inherited my parents’ great genes. We look an easy ten years younger than we are, and with care, we have bodies that twenty year olds would love to have. I would have loved to have the body I do now when I was twenty. That was before I discovered exercise.

I take a sip of my morning coffee, and sink down a little deeper into the mountain of fragrant bubbles in my bathtub. The steam is rising from the hot water and filling the room with the delicious aroma of lavender, and extra strong Kenya coffee. This is how I start my days. Stretched out in my six-foot long, extra deep claw-foot bathtub, surrounded by bubbles. Hot liquid all around me, and hot coffee inside me, easing me slowly into the day. I sleep deep and hard, like being in a coma and it takes a while to come out of it.

No, he’s always busy. He’s Mr. Ampman. Amped out—without coffee. Still, he used to always tell me he wants to marry me. I’m telling you, something is different. Oh God, what if….

Don’t do that to yourself Carolyn, she interrupts me. She knows how my head can run with things, the same as hers. A little headache can become a brain tumor in a matter of minutes. Why don’t you read to me?

We both like to start our days by reading something inspirational, something positive, to clear our minds and get centered.

OK, let’s see. I flip through the book I keep by the bathtub and find today’s date. It says, ‘Everything has its’ wonders, even darkness and silence, and I learn, whatever state I may be in, therein to be content.’ I pause in my reading to exclaim, Jeez, guess who wrote that?!! Helen Keller!!!! OK, now I feel like a schmuck. It goes on to say, ‘I am moving forward; we all are. I am on target. I am participating in a glorious, wonderful drama. Let me jump for joy. I have been specially blessed.’

Silence on both ends of the phone.

Alright, I say.

OK she says.

Well, so much for my whining. We really do have a lot to be grateful for. At least we can see and hear.

And at least I have a sister like you.

Oh, I love you Judy.

I love you too Carolyn. Have a great day.

You too. See you soon!

I relax for another half hour or so, thinking about the day. This is a big day, and Michael has had a lot on his mind. His band Bum’s Rush is having their CD release party tonight. There’s going to be lots of people there and there’s much to do to get ready for it. He’s already out and about running errands. Guess I better get moving. I wash and get out. I start looking for something to wear. As I’m doing so, I hear this sweet little Meow and feel the softness of kitty fur rubbing against my legs. I bend down to pet the little lady, Turbo, which starts the game. She runs from me, meowing all the way to one of her favorite scratching posts.

Oh, you want to play? OK Turbo, for a few minutes. I’m running out of time and I’ve got to look extra special tonight for Michael, to support him, you know. Come here, you silly cat. But I know she won’t. The game is I have to follow her to the scratching post, and gently beat her back with both hands alternately while she scratches and meows. Then she runs to her other scratching post and I follow and again, gently beat her back. She will run back and forth for as long as I chase her, or, she loves this too. I get a blanket or towel or shirt, whatever is handy and put it on the floor, hold one end up and she will come running over and slide under it, and then I gently beat her back. She peeks her nose out one end and meows and meows. She is beautiful and black all over with tiny sprinklings of grey around her head and face; showing her age, which is around 12 or 13 now. She used to belong to my sister. However, when Judy moved in with her now husband Jim and his son Skip (whom she has since adopted), they were afraid that the baby might get scratched accidentally, so Michael and I took the kitty. And what a delight she is in our lives. I finish dressing, and soon Michael and I are arriving at the gig.

Excitement is in the air. The outside courtyard is already filling up with people. The tables have been set up and the adults are sitting around drinking coffee, while the kids are climbing the trees that surround the area, or playing on the water fountain that runs through the middle of the outside arena. Michael and Bob, who both play rhythm acoustic guitar and sing, and who also have written all the songs for the CD, along with Richard the drummer and percussionist, have spent the day setting up all the equipment and sound checking. Bob’s girlfriend, Regina, and I have set up tables with the CD’s, mailing lists, business cards, and money for change. We have T-shirts and hats, vouchers for free guitar lessons, and other prizes from local merchants to give away at the raffle during the show. We also have movie tickets to give away to the person who most resembles a Bum for the Bum’s Rush look-alike contest. A lot of work has gone into promoting this event and there are many of our friends, family and fans here. Just before we left the house, Lisa, Mike’s ex-girlfriend and her new girlfriend Blair, come by and join us in celebrating with a bottle of sparkling cider to toast the occasion. Neither Michael nor I have had a drink of alcohol in years. We both decided to quit the lifestyle of drinking and drugging, and with lots of help, created new lives for ourselves years before we met each other. We now share a sober home and life together. Lisa and Blair have been a great help to Mike with their computer knowledge and artistic abilities in putting the CD and this show together, so it is very nice to have them celebrate with us.

As we approach the gathering from the parking lot, I give him a kiss for luck and a big hug. Familiar faces and well-wishers greet us both as he goes to the stage and I go to my place at the table with Regina. Michael steps up to the microphone and greets the crowd. He is UP, he is ON, his energy and fun-loving spirit is contagious. The people love him and are whistling and cheering. He proceeds to tell his favorite joke, which most of the audience has heard many times before at previous gigs, but they love to hear it again. It is expected.

So why don’t cannibals eat clowns? he asks. And he answers his own joke, along with at least half of the crowd in unison, Because they taste funny! HA HA HA HA! Now everybody yell OH WHOOOOOOOO!!!! The crowd yells and the show begins.

The music, the harmonies, the sound is awesome and fills the night air. People are dancing and enjoying the summer night and great entertainment. I take turns with Regina mingling with the people, signing them up on the mailing list and sitting at the table selling CD’s. Everything is going very smoothly and wonderfully.

After an hour and a half or so, the rest of the band takes a break, but Michael stays where he is and calls me up on stage. I tell him from where I am Don’t make me sing Michael. He is always trying to get me up there to sing or to play congas or something, I can’t sing that well and get easily embarrassed. I’m still kind of shy. I can fake it pretty good, but I don’t like being in the spotlight. He calls to me again, so I walk up to him on stage. He grabs a chair from the audience and asks me to sit down, facing him. I have absolutely no idea what he is up to, and with Michael, it could be anything. He is such a jokester. That’s just one of the things I love about him. He is so much fun. He looks so good tonight too. Michael is not your tall, dark and handsome man. He’s 5’7, medium build, curly shoulder length light brown hair, beautiful blue eyes (in fact, there is a song on the radio that I always would sing to him you’ve got…the most beautiful blue eyes…I’ve ever seen". If you just saw him standing there, you might even say he was pretty average looking. But Michael has this magnetic charisma about him. He’s the kind of person who once you know him for just a few minutes, becomes soooooo good looking. The sparkle in his eyes, the playful, and mischievous smile, the passionate spirit – people of all ages and walks of life are drawn to him. He has that knack of making total strangers feel not only comfortable, but also special.

Tonight, he is wearing the black and white striped silk vest that I bought for him, with a white sleeveless T-shirt underneath, and jeans – casual, but nice. And because I love him so much he just looks gorgeous.

I look around searching for my sister in the crowd. I finally spot her and give her a look like, what’s up? She just smiles. He tells the crowd that he wrote this song for me. A hush settles over everyone. These are the words as he sang them to me, just Michael and his guitar.

"It shines, oh, your love shines.

It brightens up my darkest day.

And so alive, oh, you’re so alive.

The sparkle of life is in your eyes.

You know what to say, to melt my fears away,

So always, yes always, always stay.

You cradle me, oh, you cradle me.

You rock me in your arms, so tenderly.

And wanting you, oh, I’m wanting you.

In every moment of every day.

Always stay…….by my side.

You’re the reason why……I’m here

You know what to say, to melt my fears away.

So always, yes always, always stay,

With me."

I was unprepared for this and taken aback at the soulful melody and beautiful lyrics. I was just about in tears, but I think I was too nervous with all those people watching. When he finished, everyone applauded and I stood up to hug him and say thank you and how much I loved it, but he had me sit back down. Then, right there in front of God and everyone, he actually got down on one knee and asked me to marry him, handing me a diamond ring at the same time.

My hands flew up to my face over my mouth and my eyes must have been the size of golf balls. I was so absolutely surprised.

Yes, yes!!!! I exclaimed and reached over and hugged him. Yes, yes. We stood up and the crowd went crazy and people started coming up to us with their congratulations. I felt like I was in a movie – the star of the movie!!! A friend brought me a big bouquet of flowers. Where did they come from?

After some of the excitement died down, I had a chance to talk to Michael.

Baby, you really surprised me! I thought you had changed your mind about marrying me. You’ve been different lately.

Are you kidding? It was all an act! I didn’t want you to know that I was planning this. Maybe I went a little too far with it, but it worked! I even have someone in the audience video taping it all! I love you my Hun-ney. I’ve always known I wanted to marry you. I’m just glad you said yes!

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!!! I threw my arms around him and kissed him and then friends were all over us again. I guess everyone knew about it but me. The rest of the night is a blur, other than the feeling of genuine euphoria.

001%20engagement.jpg

Michael proposing to Carolyn on stage at an outdoor gig.

Chapter 3

Slowly, my eyes open. I’m lying in my Mom’s bed. What am I doing here? Muted voices from the kitchen, they must have the door closed. What is on my chest? It feels like a thousand pound weight. My face hurts, especially my eyes. What is going on? I struggle to remember but it’s like someone is holding the door shut tight to that part of my brain.

The door to the bedroom opens quietly, I see my sister Judy peeking her head in. She sees I am awake and comes in, sits on the bed near me holding hot coffee (we drink it the same—with only half-and-half mixed in—so we share) and she asks me how I am. Then I am flooded with the reality of what I have learned only a few hours ago and I begin to cry. She holds me and cries with me.

I guess I had called my parents to come and get me from work and had managed to call Mike’s family—his sister Sherry in Washington and his ex-wife in Florida, where his daughter Kayleigh lives; my sister Judy, and then my spiritual advisor Carol, who stayed on the phone with me until my parents arrived. Judy had jumped in her car at the news and driven the 1-1/2 hour drive to my parent’s house from her house in the mountains; leaving her 7-year-old son in her husband’s care. She was prepared to stay a few days. Bless her. Bless my parents.

Are you hungry? she asks. It must be around 7 pm judging from the color of the day peeking through the blinds.

No, I don’t think I could eat anything.

Well, Mom and Dad are in the kitchen. Why don’t you just come out and have some coffee?

OK I say, and try to get up. I feel so heavy, it must be that weight on my chest. I slowly find my way to the bathroom and pee…..I glance in the mirror as I wash my hands. Looking back at me is someone I don’t recognize. Swollen, empty eyes with dark circles around them are staring back at me from a face with all the color drained from it. I decide to wear sunglasses from now on and to never look in the mirror again—the image is too ugly.

I walk out into the hall, through the family room and open the door to the kitchen.

Surprise!!! They all yell. Mom and Dad are standing behind Judy who is holding a huge platter of the biggest fresh steamed Alaskan King crab legs I have ever seen. They all know that is my absolute all time favorite meal in the world. (It happens to be Judy’s too.)

We thought maybe you wouldn’t be able to resist these? Judy asks.

Even though my stomach hurts like hell and I feel no hunger whatsoever, I must admit that they look and smell delicious. Mostly though, I see the looks on their faces of concern and worry; sadness and pain; and hope that I’ll eat something and not just wither away and die myself. So I sit down and force myself to eat some. Judy eats most of them but that’s OK.

The talk is light. They are all scared, of what will happen next. I vaguely remember the phone conversation with my Mom, telling her that Mike had killed himself and her first words, filled with so much pain and fear, Oh my God, you are going to blame yourself forever. I do not feel pain. I am numb, tired and weary.

Carolyn, you know how your Mother is always on me about my driving? It’s my Dad talking. He sits at the head of the table, eating a steak, crab is too much work he says. You know, ‘Dean, slow down!!! You’re going too fast!!! Slow down, please!!!’ Well, coming to get you today we hit a brick wall of traffic, it being the start of Memorial Day weekend, all four lanes on the freeway were stop and go. It took us an hour to go what usually is a twenty minute ride. And here was your Mother saying ‘Dean, go faster!!! What’s the matter with you? Go around these people!!! Hurry up!!!’ I just can’t win.

He’s trying to bring a little humor to the table. Trying to lift the heaviness in the air that is starting to suffocate us all. It’s actually a great story and under different circumstances, well, I manage a little smile.

Can I run a nice hot bubble bath for you Carolyn? My Mom speaks up, always wanting to help. Hot baths are so soothing. It will make you feel better, help you sleep tonight, OK?

I appreciate her thoughtfulness, but, No Mom. I just don’t have the energy, really I’d just like to go to bed.

All you have to do is lay in the tub. Please let me run a bath for you.

Sometimes I give in; it pleases her so, but not tonight. It is simply too much. No thanks. Just let me go to bed, OK?

Alright she says reluctantly, and rushes in to straighten the bed covers and fluff the pillows.

Judy is wiped out too, and says she’ll join me. We are sharing the double bed. We undress and fall into bed. The tears slide down my face and she holds me as I cry myself to sleep.

Chapter 4

I see my spiritual advisor, Carol, every Saturday for an hour. Just to stay connected. Just to stay close to a very wise and wonderful woman. Just to check my thinking, which has a tendency to spin a little if given the chance, and to step off the path I have chosen at the slightest whim. To be with someone who shares a lot of the same kind of history as I do, filled with drugs, alcohol and abuse of just about every kind. A history also filled with many years of recovery from a life of pain, confusion, desperation, loneliness and sorrow, to a life filled with sobriety, love, joy, peace, and of sharing and giving back all the good we have come to find in this life today with others. I love Carol, and could never repay her for all that she has given me, nor would she want me to. So I just try and pass it on.

I love to visit her at her home. As I walk up the path to her front door, I am surrounded by such beauty. Flowers of every kind and color, soft brown bark covering the beds, are arranged all around the front and side of the house. A luscious green lawn, with chairs spread around the yard, inviting people to come and sit a spell, take a load off, enjoy the day and some good company. There is a tree in the front corner offering shade, which is decorated with a variety of small, hanging lighthouses. It is as if they are there to light the way, which is actually, at least to me, a symbol of her life. Many are the souls who have come to her for help. She extends her arms, her heart, her hope, and her home to anyone who truly wishes to see the light that shines down a new path to serenity, and that most certainly comes as a gift from above. She has created a safe haven, and I can feel it as I enter through the front door, which is open.

Oh hi, Carolyn! Come on in! she greets me.

Hey there Carol. How are you feeling today?

You know, I’m feeling pretty good. Just a little worn out. My two little grandsons spent the night last night and this morning we went toy shopping. What an adventure that was. As always, I have a very difficult time saying no to them, so they went home just a short time ago with a few more things than they came with. My son says I spoil them, but hey, that’s a grandma’s prerogative, right? We had such fun. What a joy they are. And talk about energy! Whew! I wish they could share some of that with me.

Yeah, you and me both. I walk over to where she is sitting at the head of the kitchen table, and give her a hug. Then I help myself to a cup of her fresh brewed coffee. I swear, that coffee pot is bottomless and always filled with the best tasting brew. I refill her cup and have a seat at the table.

Oh my God, Carol, you won’t believe what happened last night!! I proceed to tell her all about it, how he proposed, and what a truly magical night it was. She listens attentively, always right there completely sharing my joys and my sorrows. Things become more real when I share them with her. When I am finished filling in all the details, she gets up, refills our coffee, lights a cigarette, and sits back down. After a drag off the smoke and a long exhale (sometimes even after two years without smoking, I still want one soooooooo bad) she says, O.K. now, I think there are just a few things we ought to discuss.

I know, that’s why I’m here. Like the fact that he’s just a baby compared to me? At 32 years old, he’s 10 years younger than me? Like the fact that he has only two years of sobriety, compared to my six years? Like the fact that he is kind of an irresponsible musician, and I work at the court 8am to 5pm? Things like that?

Well, yes, things like that. Marriage is a big commitment, and I know you are well aware of that, seeing how this will be your, what, fourth one?

Yeah, so…and your point?

We have a good laugh at that, as she has me topped having been married five times, and being single now herself. Fear of intimacy, or was it coming out of a blackout next to some stranger in bed and wondering what all this rice is doing in my hair, and where did I get this nice ring?

My point is, are you aware of what you are getting into? Yes, he is younger—a lot more immature than you in some ways, like the financial department. You have come to me before with some differences between the two of you, such as getting the rent paid on time or not. And what about his lifestyle? What if his band does get going really good, what if his dream comes true? He does have the talent for it, and the dedication. You have finally got your life somewhat settled, are you going to be happy going on the road with him, or else staying home working while he is off on a tour? And what about his daughter? I know she lives with her mom now, but she is only nine years old, and that situation could change. Are you ready for that, to be mom? These are just some things to think about here, that’s all.

Believe me, Carol, I have thought about all of that. And yes, I can see some areas where there may be some…differences. But there is just something about him. I have felt it since I first met him. Something inside me that sees who he is, and says, I have GOT to go for this. I’m not sure exactly why, but I just KNOW, deep down inside, that this is one journey I must make, come what may. There is also something that knows I might end up with my heart broken, but that it will be worth it. Even if he broke my heart tomorrow, what I have had with him up until now is worth it. He is just so much fun, and so romantic, and so exciting. I guess, especially coming from where I come from, it is even intensified so much. You remember my last husband, so controlling and angry, so NOT FUN. Let alone the other men from my past that were so abusive, physically and mentally. Michael would never lay a finger on me that wasn’t in a loving way, and he is so kind to me. I don’t know Carol, I do feel like my eyes are open, and that I just have to play this one out. Does that sound crazy to you?

No Carolyn. You don’t sound crazy at all. I agree, you seem to have your eyes open to what could lead to problems. Have you prayed about this?

Yes!!! I pray all the time for clarity, for clear vision, and for guidance. I also pray for God to just be with me, because this is where I am choosing to go, right or wrong; and I need God with me always. I pray to be an example to Mike of what it’s like to truly live a life with God by your side. Because, I am aware that he is still questioning his relationship with a Higher Power, and I pray for God to keep me teachable, too. Mike could be my biggest teacher of all. Who knows?

Who does know, and who am I to tell you who to marry. You know I love you, and I am here for you anytime. If you stay on your path of recovery, and keep God beside you, you will be alright. I wish you all the blessings God has to give. So, do we have a party to plan?

Thank you for your support Carol. It means so much to me. Well, we were thinking of keeping it small and simple. Going to Vegas, actually. Maybe his family meeting us there. They like to gamble and party. My family doesn’t though, so I don’t think they would come.

Sounds like we need to have a reception here!!! You know I’m always up for a party, and we have lots of people to help set up, we’ll have a potluck, and… she was off