Awakening from Broken Dreams

By Mariah Andrews

Awakening From Broken Dreams is a dramatic, suspenseful, yet humorous journey of the life of a young transsexual and her trials and troubles of living a life so easily misunderstood.

• Language: English
• Publisher: iUniverse
• Release date: Nov 13, 2004
• ISBN: 9780595782116

Mariah Andrews

Mariah Andrews has spent nine years actively involved in GLBT politics, participating in pride events and moderating support groups. She is an avid musician and songwriter who has also had experience writing in news media. She has appeared in newspaper, on radio and on television discussing gender variations. Mariah Andrews currently resides in Mohave Valley, Arizona.

Book preview

All Rights Reserved © 2004 by Leslie Ellen Lerias

No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping, or by any information storage retrieval system, without the written permission of the publisher.

iUniverse, Inc.

For information address:

iUniverse, Inc.

2021 Pine Lake Road, Suite 100

Lincoln, NE 68512

The names of characters, places and settings have all been used fictitiously in this book. Any resemblance to any actual person, living or dead is purely coincidental.

ISBN: 0-595-33414-8 (pbk)

ISBN: 0-595-78547-6 (cloth)

Contents

FOREWORD

PREFACE

CHAPTER 1

CHAPTER 2

CHAPTER 3

CHAPTER 4

CHAPTER 5

CHAPTER 6

CHAPTER 7

CHAPTER 8

CHAPTER 9

CHAPTER 10

CHAPTER 11

CHAPTER 12

CHAPTER 13

CHAPTER 14

FOREWORD

119176_text.pdf

Why I Wrote This Story

I don’t claim to be an expert in transsexual studies but I have had lifelong experience of knowing gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered persons. I can’t always speak for others but I could provide one good example of how difficult it is for one to be living and growing up in a time when this topic is considered very taboo.

The story describes a person named Richie, a.k.a. Karen, a male-to-female transsexual teen growing up with a family that doesn’t know about her, won’t let her express her feelings and going to school where she is often targeted for her against-the-norm behavior. Karen meets other transgender teens that have totally different lifestyles than she does. While learning about who she is, she also faces rivalry and challenges brought on by others in her peer group.

Many people believe that no matter if you are sexually straight or gay, trans-sexualism is a learned behavior and that one is made a transsexual by circumstance. I completely disagree. Transsexuals I believe are born and not made most of the time. There have been some cases where one claims to be made this way because of some reason. (One man from the former East Germany was born female but made male because of the testosterone the Olympic coaches gave him and feels that they took away his womanhood.) I totally feel that they were born and not made this way. And I have come across many in both the gay and straight world that disagree. I even came across a gender specialized psychologist who disagreed with me. But no matter what reason one becomes a transsexual, there should be more education about the topic and less skeptics.

Karen’s example of what a transsexual is does not speak for all others. Karen identifies as lesbian in orientation and isn’t into the glamour scene at all, like the drag queens are. Karen’s rival Jackson/Lexie uses his/her transgenderism to get even with the world and finds him/herself in danger. Also, Karen comes across Angelina, a fellow transgender whom she befriends, but has little in common with and is more ruled by her sex drive than her mind.

Karen is one of many varieties of transsexual persons that exist amongst today’s culture. She is not a representation of an actual person, but an example of the troubled life that one who evolves into the opposite sex would have. The persons in her life are only examples of obstacles in the course of her socializing.

Overall, this book has taken years to complete and every moment spent in its writing from April of 1995 to May of 2004 was well worth its weight in gold. In actuality, this book has been completed and re-written at least 6 times over, with new events inspiring me over the past nine years.

I have countless persons to thank for the encouragement to write this book. First of all, my supervisors and friends who have managed to survive putting up with my drama at work. Special thanks to the my boss and her wonderful partner of 25 years, who both also join me in the movement of tolerance.

The numbers of transgender persons I’ve come in contact with for their spiritual support of my cause and my book. My spiritual friends at my local Unitarian fellowship. I enjoy singing for you whenever I can.

My family, although some do not agree with me and some don’t understand the course of discovery that I had encountered over nearly three decades. My only brother and at least three aunts have given me the best support of all. But to the rest who don’t quite understand me, I still love you all.

Every doctor and therapist I have come into contact with, regarding or not regarding this topic. Many of you have been very supportive of me during my eight years and counting as an activist. One in particular, Diane, I wish you could have seen in me in the past two years the undeniable progress I have made.

But most importantly of all, the memory of my friend Jamie Lynn Crowell (1952-2001) and the memory of Dr. Tom Scarinci (1942-1997), whom this book is dedicated to the most. Both have given me wisdom and courage that I

will always carry with them. May Our Creator be with both of them for all eternity.

—Mariah Andrews, Sept 2004

PREFACE

119176_text.pdf

Labor Day evening is usually the eve of the first day of a whole new school year for most children. Many dread the last day of summer vacation. Some cry, some pout but then again, some make the best of it by partying all night long.

One young child, like some, feels a great bout of depression. For this child, home life was hard enough but school? With constant harassment and bullying along with non-understanding instructors, it doesn’t make matters any better. This child dreaded every moment of living.

Aunt Mary, I’m afraid. What if everybody hates me in this new school? I will just cry. Says the child.

My dear, everything will be fine. You know you do have to go to school. Aunt Mary replies.

I’m afraid of the other kids. All they ever do is harass me and tear me to pieces. Nobody likes me. Even teachers call me names.

Kitten, kitten, please calm yourself and relax. It’s time for you to sleep. I am always here for you. But I need to go report to work in about 2 hours. I work the graveyard shift. Now let me tuck you into bed and comfort you a short while.

Okay Aunt Mary. I guess I should take it one day at a time.

That’s my kitten. Now I must go. Police work is never easy and it is something that must be done. You just stay calm and I’ll call or e-mail you when I get home tomorrow morning. By the way, that nightgown looks very lovely and pretty on you.

It was Mom’s. The last one she bought before she passed on.

Well, I’ll be on my way. Goodnight, kitten. See you later. Kiss your Aunt Mary.

Thank you. I will see you later. By the way, could you press the play button on my CD player?

Okay. Mary presses the button and Carpenters music begins playing. As Mary heads toward the bedroom door, she bids the child goodbye. Bye Kitten. Take care. I love you...

Goodnight Aunt Mary. Be safe.

The fearful child dims the lights and attempts to fall asleep as The Carpenters sing Bless The Beasts And The Children, a song that the child usually plays around bedtime. Ritually, the teen always loves to hear music in the morning and in the evening. The Carpenters and Melissa Etheridge were amongst the child’s all time favorites though at times this same person would also listen to heavy metal or gothic rock like Marilyn Manson or Korn.

This child obviously comes from a very troubled home. Parents who fight and a step-sibling who acts as a bully. Dreams are this child’s refuge into a more positive world. Yet, bad memories would echo as nightmares in this young person’s sleep. A fourteen year history that is filled with many memories, some well but many bad.

This young child’s name is Richard Bruce Dawson Junior. Born fourteen years ago. His father, Bruce, a construction worker who co-owns a construction business called Cawfield and Dawson, which operated in the Morongo Basin for 15 years. His mother, Laverne Pennington, worked as a day-care child sitter. He was born in Joshua Tree, California and spent his whole life in the desert communities near the Twenty-nine Palms Marine Base.

Laverne always wanted a girl, but being married to a chauvinistic man, her feelings were to be kept to herself and not heard. She never said much throughout the short time she was married to Bruce. And living in a home where they also had to care for Laverne’s mother didn’t make things any easier for herself or her child.

Richie as a young boy never had any siblings. An attempt was made to have another child but Laverne couldn’t seem to hold a pregnancy in place long enough. So she eventually gave up, leaving the child to play alone.

His household would consist of four persons, but usually three because of his father working on an assignment out of town and being gone 4 out of 7 days per week. Laverne’s mother Louise was a very religious woman who read only two books—the Bible or the TV Guide. Yet she suffered from Parkinson’s disease and eventually passed on when Richie was nine. But during the time

she was living, Bruce made all decisions. Laverne didn’t have much to say and wasn’t permitted to speak her mind.

Young Richie never had real friends other than stuffed animals. He felt that stuffed animals lived forever because the very important friends or family he knew somehow managed to face the Grim Reaper unexpectedly. He lost his best friend, a girl named Sue while playing outside. She was hit by a truck. Not long ago, he lost his mother. Such decisions made life uneasy and the tapes of these tragedies would often repeat themselves like a broken record or compact disk.

Music was Richie’s only form of escape. He learned guitar when his paternal grandmother bought him one at the age of ten. He would listen to it on his CD player a lot. But on some nights, like this one, music alone was not enough to ease his emotional pain.

Throughout many nights like these, Richie would focus and often dream about who he was to become. A young lady named Karen Melissa Pennington. An identity he kept in secret behind the bedroom door and behind his father’s back. A name which he created from musical influences and his late mother’s maiden name. Every night, since the death of his mother, Richie would lock his door and put on his late mother’s clothes. Only his Aunt Mary knew about his inner feelings and who he really wanted to be. Nobody else in his family knew. Nor could anybody tolerate it, having a pure redneck father and a snobby stepmother from the Phillipines for a stepmother.

Karen, as Richie had imagined, was a very pretty girl whom everyone liked. Especially other females. she was always the sunshine that shone on a stormy day to her girlfriends. She was bright and intelligent with a high intellect, with a very broad fondness for music. Or she would also be a rock star in an all-girl band. Like her other heroines The Bangles or Gwen Stephani of No Doubt, Karen would be loved throughout the land. Or in a more realistic sense, Karen would be just like her Aunt Mary, a police officer patrolling the streets and putting the crazy men right where they belong—right behind bars.

As a woman, she was no man’s woman. She stood alone and roared, like Helen Reddy would say in her famous song.

In the sexual realm, Karen would be a lesbian, like the woman whom she got her middle name from. For she desires no interest in the love of a man. She feels happy most of the time. Of course she wouldn’t always have happy moments. There would be many good ones as well as unfortunate events. But not as many unfortunate feelings as Richie would have.

Yet, beyond the walls of the bedroom and in the sight of everyone else, Karen would have to be kept inside and sealed tight with lies and alibis. The instant Richie finishes his supper and retires for the day, he would tear off his torn jeans and Marilyn Manson t-shirt and don a dress from the box of clothes his mother left behind. But the instant the alarm clock hits 7 each morning, Karen would return to the closet and the beautiful moment is over. This coming morning, the debut of Richard Dawson’s high school years.

CHAPTER 1

119176_text.pdf

Fast Times At Wonder Valley High

Just another morning in this lovely little desert town of Wonder Valley. Located about 70 miles east of Palm Springs, this tiny town has quite a lot of people of all types. A few little eateries, a market, two or three churches, a park and three schools, Wonder Valley has quite a lot to offer.

Today is a new day for Richie, who nervously awaits the start of high school. After nearly 3 years at the Ocotillo Academy, a center for special education, Richie isn’t too thrilled about going into a regular high school, even though he was still in the special needs program.

Richie, it’s time to get ready! his stepmother calls out.

Coming, Edna. Richie replies.

Edna despises being called by her first name.

Richie Dawson, please do not call me by first name. I am your mother! Edna yells out, having broken English.

Whatever.. .MOTHER, Richie says sarcastically. That’s better. Now let’s get going. School awaits!

Richie really dreads the moment that he has to change out of Karen’s nightgown and into Richie’s grungy t-shirts and jeans. After dressing, he hurries down for breakfast, which he doesn’t usually eat unless it is steak leftover from last night. Or fried chicken left over from Catalina’s Chicken Castle where Richie’s stepbrother Dave works. Raisin Bran? Richie asks.

Edna replies, You eat Raisin Bran. Good for bones.

Fine. You know I hate Raisin Bran.

Don’t you want to grow up to be big and strong like your brother Dave?

Ed.. .Mother, he is not my brother. He’s just a stepbrother.

Arguments are typical in the Dawson household. Bruce and Edna often fight, and usually Dave is in the middle. Richie causes little trouble, and while Dave is out causing damage, he gets better treatment than Richie does. Dave, who is Edna’s natural son, is known to be a juvenile delinquent. Always getting in fights and known to sexually harass girls. But Bruce always says to his wife, Boys will be boys.

After breakfast, Edna drives Richie to Wonder Valley High School, where Richie enters the school’s Special Needs class. With the constant broken-English scolding he hears from Edna each day.

Richie, why can you not be a man like your brother, David? asks Edna, in a nagging voice. He is tall, dark and handsome. Girls like that in a man. You look like a woman with that hair of yours.

Richie would refuse to answer. But he would say something like, Whatever.

During our times, we had to obey our mother and father, Edna responds. If we don’t obey, we get hit.

Richie argues. This is America. We are a civil society. We’re not barbaric where you come from.

America has too much freedom! Edna nags.

Then why did you marry my father? thinks Richie, as uttering it would only give him a slap across his face. Richie and his stepmother do not see eye to eye. His relationship with his father is slightly better. But due to his lifetime of emotional suffering, a county psychologist placed him in the program. His father and stepmother were forced to have him placed, after years of having trouble adapting to a regular school program. In addition to having a few learning disabilities, he had a very hard time adjusting to social situations.

Richie, a thin boy with long, blonde hair, is very nervous. He enters the classroom with feelings of discomfort. Other kids start making comments at him that weren’t very nice at all.

Look at that hippie walking by, as they all say. Richie tries to ignore it as he enters the room.

That kid has better hair than I do, says a female student.

Richie soon meets his teacher, Ken Lyons, a tall Englishman in his late thirties, on the heavy side. Mr. Lyons was an instructor who had recently settled down in the states, after teaching grammar school in Southern London for nearly a decade.

Welcome, Richard Dawson. I’m Ken Lyons. Your teacher. Now, these are my rules. No associating until break time. But other than that, you will enjoy my class.

Richie replies, Hello, Mr. Lyons. Nice to meet you.

Richie is assigned next to a mild-mannered looking boy named Jackson LaCosta. Another student, a heavy-set boy named Bryan Morgan tries to be friends.

Bryan says to Richie, Hi, Richie. I’m Bryan.

Ken tells Bryan to be quiet.

Richie whispers to himself. This bastard is pretty strict.

I HEARD THAT! says Ken. Look. I will let this go, but if I hear you make another comment like that, I will put you in the time out zone. Now, I want you to write a little story about your life and tell me how you feel.

Ken places two sheets of paper in front of Richie. He begins writing. Richie has absolutely no friends at this point. His only support at this point is his Aunt Mary, who was a policewoman in Parker, Arizona, a town near the edge of the Colorado River in California. He has to put on an act in front of his father, stepmother and stepbrother in order to keep the peace. In other words, he cannot reveal his real nature to his family. He grew up with a strong devotion to the female gender, but at this time, he is confused about his well being. He was desperate to be friends with anyone. During break, he meets Jackson LaCosta, a sophomore student with autism and other learning disabilities. Jackson introduces himself.

Hi, I’m Jackson. Nice to meet you, Richie. Richie introduces himself.

Richie responds, Hi, I’m Richie Dawson. So, what are you into?

Jackson says, I play video games. And I also listen to classic rock and watch 1970’s sitcoms.

Richie mentioned his favorites. I like Small Wonder, Three’s Company, and whatever is on the Memories channel. But most of all, ‘Small Wonder’ is my favorite show, about this guy who creates a robot that looks like a little girl.

I’m not too crazy about that show, says Jackson. But hey, if you like it, then that’s your choice.

At lunch, Richie and Jackson are talking about the teachers at the school. Jackson expresses his dislike for Mr. Bell, the instructor who led the Special Needs class last year.

Who did the goddamned blimp Mr. Bell think he was? He smashed dirt into us white kids faces! He treated the black kids better than us. Jackson complains.

It seems like this guy was a reverse racist. Richie says. My dad’s business partner is a black man. He’s been his friend since the age of 12. But my so-called stepmother is a female Archie Bunker! She hates Harlan with passion! I don’t think it is right to be higher up than another color. The Goddess made us all equal.

Jackson asks, The Goddess? Are you a Wiccan?

Richie replies, Well, I can’t really say that. But I do envision God as a female, yet I respect Christians who are non-bigoted.

Anyway, Jackson continues. Mr. Bell though he was God. I don’t know what the hell his problem was. I’ve been in this class since last year. I’m a sophomore. Mr. Lyons is much nicer. But thank God Mr. Bell left this place.

I was placed in this school because of the county, Richie says. And my stupid stepmom put me here. And I would keep on blowing up every time because people think I am a queer. They started rumors about me wearing panties.

Somehow, some other student walks by, appearing as if he was listening to their conversation.

You cross-dress? Jackson asks. Well, I admit. I love to yank on my cord a lot.

Hell no, Richie replies in denial. Let’s change the subject. Now, what about this Mr. Bell? What else has he done to you?

He keeps putting me in time out whenever I cut a fart. He treats us like a bunch of first graders. But once in a while, he’d be cool and bring in his collection of old music from the sixties, and old Abbot and Costello movies. I don’t care for them too much. And he loves the Carpenters and plays their CDs all the time. God, I hate the Carpenters! They are so boring!

Richie doesn’t sound very happy about hearing that anti-Carpenters remark. Look. I love the Carpenters. Now you better shut the fuck up, asshole, before I.

Jackson apologized. Sorry, Richie. I was just speaking my mind. Is that okay? He says with sarcasm.

Richie accepts his apology. Fine. Now let’s just change the subject. So, what brought you here to Wonder Valley?

Because I kept acting up in school. I was going to Morongo Valley High School in Twentynine Palms, but I just had a lot of problems. I kept getting Fs.

I honestly don’t know why I am here. I just am.

At home, Richie enters through the back from the back door, which led directly to his room. He rarely ever associated with his family. His father just got home, and was hungry. His stepmom has not finished dinner.

Bruce asks, Where is dinner?

Edna, his wife replies, It’s no ready yet! You wait!

Bruce hollers, I expect my God Damned dinner on the table, you little Flip! When I get my big white ass home! Now, the next time dinner is late, I’ll.

You will what? Edna asks.

I don’t know. I had a rotten day. Those terrorist towelheads conned us out of $5000! I work my Christ-fearing ass off for them, just to help build their stupid temple and they say that we left something out of the building!

Edna says, Brucie, dear. Let’s forget all about it and just order pizza.

That $5000 I needed for that new truck! Well, Harlan needs it to get himself his own truck, but with my $2500 I could have put in a decent down payment.

Richie runs to his room. His stepbrother comes up to him. Hi, Richie. How was school?

Richie says, Fine, Dave. Say, where are you going?

Dave puts on his leather jacket. I’m going to the Palms Club. Pick up a chick. Wanna come?

Not tonight. I just want to watch TV.

Remember Rich. Dad needs you to help him tomorrow after school. We’ve got a busy little project.

Okay. Richie says.

Richie helps his father, brother and Harlan in the construction business occasionally after school and almost every Saturday. Manly work it is, but to keep his father and brother suspicion-free, he has to do it.

Look, we’ve got a lot of work to do tomorrow. Be ready. Don’t be late after school. Okay?

I won’t, dad. Richie says.

You, my son are at the age where you must learn the trades of the family. Your grandfather showed me the ropes when I was your age. Now it’s time for me to share it all with you.

Richie asks, Cool. How much will you pay me?

Son, I’m not rich. But I will give you $5 per hour. You can’t ask for more, right?

Well, minimum wage is $5.15.

Now don’t you push it. At least I don’t deduct for taxes!

Cool Dad. Count me in.

That’s my son. Soon, you will be as pure beef American male as me.

I will.

Usually, after dinner, Richie goes to his room, and either play his keyboard or listen to whatever was on the radio. Or play his guitar. He would listen to any music of any kind. But usually, he would listen to either really old music or mindless gothic heavy metal. At night, he changes into his mother’s nightgown. He says his prayers while crying, then he sleeps. He always referred to God as a Goddess. Not as a man, as most religions have. He always had feminist religion books, as his mother has left behind. He often studied feminist theology in his spare time. He always hid his things from his parents.

Bruce was raised in a Pentecostal household and was taught that homosexuality is evil. He so far has not suspected his sister, Mary of being a lesbian, although she hasn’t officially outed herself to the rest of the family.

Bruce’s wife, Edna Beltran was an immigrant from the Phillipines. Her sister and her husband were into the beer business, making a fortune in the imported beer business, selling the company and moving to America to retire. Edna accompanied her sister five years ago to the States to marry Bruce, whom she had known for eighteen years.

The elder Richard Dawson spent at least 15 years traveling overseas as a Colonel in the Marines, and with his own father in the armory business. He met Edna almost eighteen years ago in Guam, an American commonwealth in the South Pacific. On a business trip with her sister and brother-in-law, Edna met Bruce at a hotel. Being younger and single, he had an affair with Edna and only saw her for about two weeks. Long after Bruce had returned to the States, Edna was pregnant with David Beltran. Bruce was unaware that he had fathered David until about six years after Richie had been born. But at the time, Bruce did nothing about it. Upon the death of Laverne, Bruce’s first wife, he sought to find Edna and marry her, to fulfill a trust that he promised and to ensure that the son he had fathered had a real living father. It took at least a year to track her down and finally marry her. Against Richie’s wishes.

Richie never liked David from the beginning.