Managing My Anger: Weekly Meditations & Journal Exercises for Growth

By Mary J. Clark M.A. L.P.C.

"Ever get tired of being told you are the problem and no one ever listens to you? And no matter how many times you tell them off, they still don't get it?...Mary gets it. She's been there...With a gentle strength she steps right into your world and sits beside you, looking ahead with you, not at you."
Donald E. Sloat, Author of Growing up Holy and Wholly

Managing My Anger has been written to be used either individually or in a group therapy setting. The format of a meditation followed by a journaling exercise will promote in-depth study of ones behavior around issues of anger or stifling anger. Take one page per week, journal daily on that page based on its journal suggestion, being honest about your thoughts, feelings and actions regarding that pages topic. Topics are about common issues, such as resentment, rage, blame, controlling, etc. This book also offers a section of exercises to aid in recovery as well as websites with more recovery options that any individual can practice and use long-term.

• Language: English
• Publisher: iUniverse
• Release date: Sep 4, 2009
• ISBN: 9781440167201

Mary J. Clark M.A. L.P.C.

Mary Clark, M.A., L.P.C. has been a therapist for nineteen years. She has run Anger Management Groups for ten years, and currently does individual counseling with those struggling with rage or with inability to express anger. Mary lives with her husband in Michigan, gratefully surrounded by her adult children and grandchildren.

Book preview

Choices

Life does not give itself to one who tries to keep all its advantages at once. I have often thought morality may perhaps consist solely in the courage of making a choice.

—Leon Blum

Some of us end up in a therapy office because we are court-ordered or family-mandated. That, alone, enrages us. We feel powerless. Whatever got us here was about control—either we tried to gain control, or someone took control of us. Either way, now a judge or a family member has total control of us (or so we feel). We feel our choices have been taken away. Or have they? Regardless of why you were sent to therapy—whether fair or unfair, whether you feel you have anger issues or not—you have choices.

You can resist going to therapy. No one can force you to go. This choice will result in going to jail. Even then, some courts will send you to therapy again. If a family member asked you to go, you may risk losing that relationship.

You can go to therapy and cop an attitude. You’ll spend a lot of money and not gain anything. Possibly, you will be discharged due to being resistant to therapy. If court-ordered, you will probably receive a consequence for probation violation, and be sent to therapy again somewhere else. Family members may sever ties, or file a restraining order to protect themselves.

You can use therapy as a tool for change. In any violent altercation, you are either part of the problem or part of the solution. Therapy can teach you to avoid altercations in the future.

Oh, and you can leave the country … but the therapy would probably be cheaper!

Meditation

I have choices today. Today I can choose to make full use of all learning opportunities, no matter what got me there in the first place.

Journal Suggestion: Start your journal entry each night this week with: I am not perfect. One area I could use help changing would be _________________. Share your list of areas with your therapist or group. Share whether or not you think you could use your therapy to change these areas. If not, why?

Time-Outs*

Healing is a matter of time, but it is sometimes also a matter of opportunity.

—Hippocrates

It is a fearful thing to fight with someone you love. It takes a lot of energy to back down, right or not, and say, We need to stop. I don’t want to hurt you and I don’t want to get hurt. Let’s take some time apart. It takes courage for both parties to immediately stop and agree it’s too heated, decide when to come back, and part for a while amicably.

So why don’t we do this more? False pride. False pride is the kind of pride that tells me I am entitled to be right, to be heard, and to be agreed with. It is the kind of pride that says I have a right to always be on top. It is the self-centered belief that what is going on at a given moment is all about me. The other party has no figuring in my false pride. In fact, how they feel at that given moment is not important to me. What is important to me is that I AM RIGHT!! So, in a fight, I have two courses with my false pride: to force you to agree with me, or to remain silent toward you with the cold shoulder and periods of acting out my anger with you as the victim. These are both abusive behaviors. The first is aggressive, the second passive. Both are sick, dysfunctional ways to communicate, and neither leaves room for me to be humble or self-assured of what is right for me without comment or defense. Both leave no room for my loved one—or me—to be treated with respect and caring.

Meditation

Pride goeth before the fall … I prefer standing up. Perhaps I can concede I am not perfect today. Perhaps I can accept that I do not have to be believed by others as right to know I am all right without a fight.

Journal Suggestion: This week, talk with your significant others (and children) about the above verbal message to use when a fight is brewing. Commit to using this as well as responding respectfully if another uses it. If you use this time-out method, set a half hour to go cool off, and agree to reunite (instills trust, dispels abandonment), even if it is to agree to take another half hour. Document in your journal about your initial talk, as well as times during the week you and yours use this method. Detail how it worked as well as what you feel didn’t work. Share with your group or therapist, and ask for feedback.

* See Appendix A

Acceptance

And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today.

—Doctor, Alcoholic, Addict, The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous

The first step to dealing with my anger is to accept it. Anger is a natural emotion. It is what I do with it that can lead to trouble. Once I accept my own anger, then I will begin to understand how to accept it in others.

Before recovery, another person’s anger spiked my own. Within moments, I was saying and doing things that were out of line, rude, and hurtful. When I defended my behavior to a therapist—blaming the other person whose behavior was, I felt, equally inappropriate—she confronted me. She told me that I was responsible for my own behavior regardless of what someone else was saying or doing. I began to look at what was underneath my anger: usually fear, shame, hurt, or guilt. If this made sense to me, I could begin to understand that those same feelings were beneath another’s anger as well.

This doesn’t mean that when someone is angry around me, the old behavior doesn’t want to come forward. What it means is that today, I control it and make a choice to stay calm. I try to stay focused on a solution, even if the solution is to listen to the other person’s anger and hurt. I may need to take a time-out later on to cool off the old messages, but over time, this time-out takes less and less time as I realize I like myself so much better when I stay in control of my behavior and emotions. Then I talk it out with another person who is supportive of my not stepping into rage and harmful behavior. Then, I can calmly go back to the angry person and ask to quietly discuss what is bothering him. Even if he chooses not to discuss it, I can feel good about myself and the end result. Often I will discover, after the fact, that the other person’s anger had nothing to do with me; I just happened to be the sounding board of the moment.

Meditation

This week, I will remember that all anger I encounter in others is not always about me. I will know I can step back from it and stay in control of my emotions.

Journal Suggestion: This week, I will place a note on my bathroom mirror that says: Remember today, [your name], it’s not all about you! Notice when you mentally remind yourself of this in a tense situation, and allow yourself to step back and just listen. Does it change your response? Your attitude toward the other person? Toward yourself? Share with a group or your therapist.

Protective Anger

The angry people