The Silent Vow: Volume Ii : the Strands in Life That One Weaves

By Gary Drewes

The Journey of The Silent Vow
primarily takes an intelligent and healthy boy through the experience of a drug
cult world where his physical and mental health, are taken for granted.style='mso-spacerun:yes'> There was nothing wrong with the life given
to this boy, yet the feelings received from the consumption of drugs and
alcohol were more important than the boys own safety.style='mso-spacerun:yes'> Through use and abuse, this boy forfeited his
wellbeing as he subjects his life to trials and tribulations.style='mso-spacerun:yes'> Violations of the established legal system
brought to life correctional facilities, psychiatric institutions, and
reformatory schools. As he violated
others he left passages and ways for others to violate him.style='mso-spacerun:yes'> As intelligent as he was he brought all his
lessons to be learned into his existence.
Although this story is told with 25 years of Hindsight, in those 25
years of psychological understandings lessons of how to cope and deal with life
were included in every step of the story.
If we as adults could only have had the wisdom when we were experiencing
our lives as children our worlds would all be different places?

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse
• Release date: Apr 29, 2004
• ISBN: 9781414024554

Gary Drewes

James Stewart lived many of the situations expressed in the Silent vow, but not all were from actual existence.  Many situations may have been out of conversations, and graphic relations dictated to him by others that have also lived a life similar to the one depicted in the story.  There came a time in James’ life where he discussed issues with many people who suffered the consequences of the drug world. The complexities of how the habits and addictions take little to start and restart, yet takes nearly everything from the lives of those that falter.   James suffered as he may have self medicated when the perpetual use of drugs was his temporary answer to his problems. His life’s problems only grew worst as the stakes in life became larger.  His trust in friends, family, and reality was lost as his friend’s, family’s and reality’s trusts in him were lost. His years of education in public school, private military academy, psychiatric facilities, College for a BS diploma, and sustained employment allowed him to capture his more troubled issues so he could share the problems as well as the insight with others.  There were so many times his lessons of learning would divert his associated friends away from the detrimental complications of substance abusive behaviors.  He has now captured many of those insights for others to profit.

Book preview

© 2004 by Gary Drewes. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without written permission from the author.

ISBN: 978-1-4140-2455-4 (e-book)

ISBN: 1-4140-2454-1 (Paperback)

1st Books - rev. 04/14/04

Contents

THE SILENT VOW TABLE OF CONTENTS

FAILING FRIENDSHIP/REPEAT OFFENDER

RESPECT AND CONSIDERATION

HONESTY AND DECEIT

DECADENCE AND PUNISHMENT

GRADUATION

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

The Evolution of

Boyhood to Manhood

Leading through

Substance Abuse

For Chelsea, Lindsey, and Shane;

Please do not take this path when you go out to find your happiness.

Thank you to my Sister, Brother, Mom and Dad

THE SILENT VOW TABLE OF CONTENTS

The silent Vow is a story about a boy who went out of his way to play with his friends. They searched for what felt good, what would test the established limits, and what would bring them to the brink of violating the laws in testing those limits. As the legal aspects of the laws were tested the physical aspects of life were also tested. Involvement with danger, risky games, and potentially dangerous chemical and substance abuse were also laws of living that nearly brought the existence of death into life.

The person that runs out of; healthy minded, safety governed, and tested for security types of ideas may be the person that resorts to hostilities and may find they can get answers within these pages.

The material often goes outside of the norm in expressing the ideas that are written. As there are many suggestions that are not of the regular, there are also fears of concerns that are over the boundary as well. When a being has violated certain thresholds in life, they may carry the concerns of those thresholds greater than the average person that has never been over those boundaries. Anxieties will have a great impact as fears bring rise to an individual when there personal well being is being threatened through awareness of those boundaries.

With this greater awareness of what it is like to overstep those boundaries, and what it is like to possess the anxiety in fear of those boundaries the individual also has a greater sense of paranoia to give certain insights that the average being may not have. To state the being is overly sensitive can also be stating that the person is also insightful and intelligent. To balance the complexity of the need to maintain within boundaries can take a certain level of intelligence to balance these visions in the formal working scenarios. The constant self observation needs to keep the temptations in line to assist in focusing of the mind on the work at hand. Maintenance and prevention techniques are necessary when the individual comes under scrutiny.

Although this story details the life of a boy that had enjoyed the pleasures of the drug world, it also detailed the many failures the drug world has to offer. Sadly every attempt to lead into a successful long term plan resulted in failure and setback due to drug involvement. Balancing the life with fear and failure has come into being. The path of drug consumption had lead to repeated failure. How many times does a man have to give up that he has worked to obtain for that quick buzz? Is the consumption of drugs worth the hard work that has gone into the development of a man? How many times does a man have to work to become established and get involved with drugs to ruin all the work that has gone into the man?

The boy chose his friends as he may have chosen wrong. He chose his evening entertainment, and he chose his use of his substance of choice. As a result of his testing limits in life he has to live a life with the need of medications to cope and deal with everyday life and the expectations with that life.

Through the intervention of therapy and healthy relations there is a light that glows in life. Great hope is experienced through continued good choices of interactions and the firm denying of the use of illegal substances. That is saying no to drugs. As there is rejection of these substances there are also the losses of what is referred to as some friends. If you find direction, answers or solution with in these pages please feel free to share the experience with the individual that it may help!

Childhood Description

The childhood chapter shares the many wonders and unhealthy complications of the boy in the story. There were physical harms, emotional involvements, and intellectual struggles even as he was experiencing the one gift of childhood. The love of family, the struggle of siblings, and the explorations of the world were learning experiences that would not be forgotten. Where the lessons were forgotten there would be engrained memories and influences to affect the rest of the boy’s life.

Elementary Interactions

Elementary interactions bring the child to face the life of other children in the schooling environment. The start of living free from certain structures was a part of childhood and the time had gained the addition of the education process and its structure. School for this boy can be a learning experience and can be an enjoyable part of life as well. The seeds of a life have been planted, and the world with the education professionals hope to see the product of a well educated man when the journey is through. In retrospect from a troubled life the lessons are revealed.

Adolescent Interactions

Adolescent Interaction was a brief start leading into the greatest complications and difficulties for any child. The complications would impact the other family members as well. The corruption of the drug world touched base with the boy at this stage in life. The entrance of drugs, alcohol, substance abuse, and their influences; began to impact this boy’s life only to start what was a down hill direction of a spiral into life. The associations of Friends that were going to be significant companions in his life were only starting to become involved in the corruption part of this boy’s life. The scales of ones own judgment began to be affected at this early stage of life. How far does fighting for a person’s self respect and dignity become violating the rules of companionship? How far does an immature boy go to make the grade with the teachers, friends, and the family? Standing up to fight for ones emotional rights is seen as wrong, yet there are feelings brought on by emotional manipulation that can be very well worth fighting for!

Deleterious Recrudescence Undermining Genetic Senequenon

The Introduction of drugs, hostilities, and substance abuse entered into the boy’s life before loving relationships. The sentiments and sensations of living feelings have been diverted into the pacification of the realms of substance abuse. As puberty inched into life the feelings were diverted into the greatly deviated understanding of the highs, and lows of the drug world’s infatuations. The feelings of emotions brought on by puberty and companionship were demented and distorted through the use of chemical addictions and substance abuse.

Longevities Obsequious Vulnerable Eternal Rapture

In the world where sensual feelings have been twisted into the understanding of highs that drugs can bring, the surging elevations of true feelings brought to life a lust for drug and their influences, was there a place that would bring the proper understandings of what love was meant to be into this world where the drugs brought everything that a person was interested in? The course was taken years ago. There would be a need of a strong friend to redirect the destined failure of a sort to lead him down a path of greater success.

Breaking and Entering

Drugs cost money, and money was not to be spent on drugs. The drug world was a big part of the criminal world, and the developed a demented needs to provide the cash for the continued addiction to support drug habits, as these boys resorted to theft., As the theft would supply their needs to pay for their addictions a separation from healthy friends occurred since no one would befriend a chemically addicted thief. The population of students and the majority of people in society frown upon the deviate behaviors of these drug addicts stealing from innocent people to support their habits.

Failure and repeat offender

Society had become involved from the beginning of the stealing for drug money. The courts were active in the lives of these boys. The judge did not want to see them again. The annual cycle of events where money would dry up lead the boys to the corruption of laws, total disregard for the laws, and a repeated offense in the eyes of the law will have to justly punish these repeat offenders for their crimes. Corrective measures were needed at this point, and the society in concern was not going to accept the release of these boys back into the community. Was there a reform school, a juvenile detention, or correctional facility where the boys would learn the difference between right and wrong?

Rehabilitation measures

Respect and Consideration

The boy was removed form the neighborhood, and put into a private all boys military academy. A new life, and a new way of looking at life this boy would find. Where there were parents, and siblings there were now the military personal. Where there was the hustle and bustle of the street world there was now the strict confines and regimentation of the boarding schools structure. Learning about the system the boy was first going to obey the expectations of the system. As with other institutions the penal system, psychiatric hospitals, and Boarding school some participants become model clients. The boy was one of those who became the model clients at least until his dastardly deeds are noticed. As time in a system is endured a mischievous person would wait out the time and find ways to circumvent the system. Was it possible a strong friend may lead the boy down the path of righteousness and good standing?

Honesty and Deceit

A lie surfaced where the boy fibbed about a dangerous accident he had. This lie was deep seated in his mind, and he was not going to let the embarrassment of the facts leak out to all the new friends he had made at the school. His deep seated lie was going to leverage in his mind as he bore the results of the near fatal accident. He was not only lying to the other cadets, but he was driving a stake deeper into his own self with the life of deceit. Through this leverage he was in the front viewing the operations of daily living, but deep in side his mind was plotting to lead his life towards corruption.

Decadence

He learned to lie, he learned to sneak his substance abuse into the system, and he also learned what it was like to be caught in the system with his substances. In his corrupt way of life the boy was doing onto others. This doing onto others had a rule where you would do onto others as you would have them do onto you. As the boy was a follower this rule applied to him. He was deceiving, he was substance abusing, and he was lying. He had a superior who was going to do onto him as he saw fit as the boy had been learning to do onto others through this experience. In the middle of the night he came and had his way with the boy, and the boy was under the influences where his mind was tied. The boy was learning a lesson of corruption in his early life.

Graduation

As the events unfold

The boy was dishonorably dismissed form the military academy and sent back to the public school setting. In the boys mind he was uncertain if the relations he had made him gay or straight. He feared to interact with friends and family if he were gay. And yet he bore the burden of the memory of being violated as if he were having sex for his first time. The boy was not going to share his secret life experience and had to hide it from his partying friends. He had a deep dark secret that he mentally rationalized as something that needed the suppressions of substance abusive chemicals. The boy needed to find a friend he could share things with instead of suppressing the problems deeper into his mind. For this drug abuser he used the substances where he needed professional assistance to better understand his trauma.

The lessons of respect and consideration were to be learned as he also learned to slip through and make holes in a fine system of a structured education process. Honesty was also learned as well as the deceit of manipulating life at his own resources. Decadence was waiting to happen as the boy walked into self violating situations in his life. His world that was established left him vulnerable to being violated in ways that he would never forget. Do onto others? With the trauma and neglect of his own health the boy overdosed and was returned to the public school where he started from. He developed a good name in the boarding school only to tarnish it and reap havoc for the other students at the school. He graduated on time with his graduating class, and was sent out into society upon completion of his high school requirements. The teachers felt he was a waste of the tax payer’s money. He was grateful for them permitting him to learn the lessons they taught and had to teach. He graduated his high school years, a broken man, a confused soul, and a chemically addicted deviant.

He did not learn the written material as he was expected. He did not learn the emotional interactions and education he was expected to learn through interaction with other students. He failed to endure where he learned to take care of and defend himself in social activities. The lessons this boy learned were lessons others never had to explore. He was a learner and a follower. Yet the boy was not ready to take on the struggles of society without the structures of some establishment to assist him in his life’s struggles.

This was not the path to take. Although there were many lessons in growing that were experienced, the lessons of life would be a better meal to consume if eaten another way. This boy was learning the addictions of experiencing his adrenaline rushes from violations of the rules and regulations that govern mankind in the free world. There are many athletic ways, legal competitive experiences, employment enduring gratifiers toward promotion, and just healthier ways to endure the feelings that boy found on his path.

As a result of taking the path of mischief, drug abuse, alcohol abuse, and fighting authority; the boy has found his adult life to need daily medications, a structured environment, and guidance to conquer his requested achievements. These achievements are easy for every day to day people, but for the boy in his grown up state he needed more assistance to handle everyday challenges. This path may be found to be enchanting, exciting, and challenging for a boy had an impact that would detrimentally affect his life as he grew into an independent self responsible person.

The judge had decided to permit the boy back into the school system. The school system accepted him back into their educational facility to interact with other students. He has before him the most meaningful years of his high school education. These years will be viewed seriously as he attempts to move forward in his college years of study. Much like every other student, his chances to go to a good school are depending upon good grades, acceptable behaviors, and developed skill of many areas in life.

The reader is the judge of what benefit a person may have in reading this journal. It may benefit those that think they have the world in their grips and they can do whatever drinking and drugging they wish. This boy had thought he could do whatever substance abuse he wished to do, and he was sure that he would never get caught.

The development of meaningful relations with friends at these years of life, have a great impact on the results of the rest of a persons future in life. Should a person not learn to cope and deal with the interpersonal affairs of life, they may be subject to face the falls written here. Making friends is easy, enduring a friendship takes practice. Forming a relationship has novelty, and enticing attributes. Enduring a meaningful relationship is a skill, challenge, and takes technique that either comes natural or needs to be practiced and learned. This boy avoided relationships with humans to develop a relationship with him and his drugs. What sort of interpersonal growth would transpire?

FAILING FRIENDSHIP/REPEAT OFFENDER

Resistance to old friends, and hopes in finding new ones had crossed the mind. One friend asked if the boy had learned anything. New friends asked if he wanted to do anything new. Some new friends wanted to do some homework together. What the boy learned about the police was kept a secret. If they were interested they would have to learn it for themselves. Some friends tried to get the boy into their things. Stores were on their minds. Studies were appreciated until the boy started to feel stupid, and he could deal with them. Average grades, and passing grades were on their way up. The influences of people as they were coming had a positive ring. Somewhere the boy lost touch with these influences, and went on his way.

Communicating was just the words. They were cheap, but not from his mouth. What he let out formed and would come back to him again. At times, with some people the boy let the words roll without being aware of what he was saying. There were other times he was very careful.

Words and people had similar characteristics. What they were was unclear at the time, but yet another feeling of uncertainty existed. The boy could see things in the friends, and realize parts of them, as they would go by. The boy wasn’t getting into them, and he wasn’t avoiding them either. Friends have a strange on-and-off feeling to him.

The impact for his courtroom involvement created a great concern in his involvement with drug consumption. For some time he was careful, and often resigned to not participate in the parties. A lesson was learned, and it was only a matter of time before his dependency would start up again. His involvement with kids at school seemed to leave him interacting with members of the drug world.

The boy displayed a great dependency with his interactions. This dependency was satisfied through drug consumption, and the depth of interaction with the substance abusers. When he involved himself with healthy students, they were interested in pacifying the dependency for the boy. They could tell there was more the boy wanted from their interactions. The healthy students were more independent, and expected a firmer sense of independence when they interacted with fellow students.

He displayed persistent need for emotional interactions. The healthy students did not interact at that intensity with everybody. He would consistently face rejection when he approached people with this level of need. His emotional demands could have been compared to some intense involvement exhibited in a personal relationship. These transactions occur often with substance abusers as they transact with the drugs. Possessing these needs, he was destined to face rejection from students that were only interested in some form of intellectual stimulation.

The boy was determined to rejuvenate his style. The lift in his studies didn’t last very long. It was like an impulse with a dying sound wave. The affects to his grade were sufficient. Then the drugs made their reappearance. His lifestyle was able to reroute itself, or was that rerouting itself. Like a pot seed in the soil’s surface and the ways it gets into the world. The boy was answering its call. Sometimes he wished the seeds would just pop, die, or let him go. At the pop of the seed in the joint, it let his imagination go. Limitations of his independence were ignored. Confines of life, fallacies, boundaries, and discomforts, were chemically uplifted to set him free. He believed he was free.

Feelings and emotions were still getting confused inside. The old spaced out beliefs of communication were on again. With amounting fears, pressures, tensions, and irritations out of the way, he believed he was carefree. Ignorance to the real way life happenings was reconfirmed in his mind. He twisted, changed, and altered information to suit his purposes, and beliefs. As he saw the world, things were full of roses. There became a mystique in what was said. Something led to further information. Uncertain as to what was really said came up. Was reality what was said that was meant, or was reality the meaning that was said? Energy to bring the curiosity to the table for discussion was absent. Trust in what was said left questions. Who would answer the questions? The questions had a way of feeling answered for them selves. He began to receive a different sense of meaning. The boy received the insightful end, the uncertain end, and the bitter end.

In communication, the boy was getting something. It led to wondering if people were telling him the truth in things. This was all part of the great plan to teach a new way of life. The boy learned the redirection from being guilty before proved innocent. Making the best of things, and applying the learning process, and piecing the information into the knowledge were accepted. From a new source, it all made sense as the involvements began unfolding. The new experiences were pieces of the daily life. He was geared toward forgetting the past, and making the best of the future. History forgotten is most likely to repeat itself. In everything the boy left reminders of his guilt, and he had a life to live. The boy fed faith to passivity, and believed it would all work out.

Rise of attention to studies was in the making. The boy’s application to school work fluctuated, and the source for the fluctuation was unknown. Periodic motivation to assignments appeared. It could have been due to certain stresses the teachers were making. A reading assignment would blow all motivation, and the class would take a gruesome appearance. His grades displayed a change of attitude or a change of season. Maybe the court experience was a good experience for the boy. Maybe the change was for the better. This could all be the information settling in his system, and he will be back to normal. The teachers can’t tell. For the mean time, he was grasping the knowledge of the present.

Focus went to getting him through the year. It wouldn’t take long for the stressors to appear. On many stressful experiences the world would divert the feelings, and let them roll off his back. In other situations he was passive aggressive, and suppressed the feelings with his substances. He wondered if the stresses belonged, but wouldn’t accept that for a reason. There existed selective reasoning. Pressures and expectations piled up.

Hopes of the summer’s freedoms started up. Plans of what would be were played out. Visions of late night parties dances in his head. Graduation was a long-shot, but still viable. In the thick of things, the boy was making progress on the class work. The personal progress inside, and his awareness were also doing something. He would ignore the world of affairs. When he did, he would come to peace. The boy’s defenses were up, and in working order. All the problems of the universe were comfortably answered. With this, his narrow view of reality was happy. Content with the visions of the world from his perspective, major problems were off his back and yet then he would walk into a wall of tension.

Saturation of drug consumption was on again. It wasn’t what was causing the tensions, but it was the impulsive habit he had to deal with. The absorption started off slow, and steady. A weaning away from the schoolwork was in process. A preoccupation with friends of the negative influence was under way. The boy went back into the dreams of the high-class dealer. The boy didn’t have the provisions to do the dealing, but the dreams were present. His love was soon with him on every date. Marijuana was her name, and smoke was her game. She had limitations, just like the boy did. She couldn’t come out, and play as often as she wanted. Parents had a control on her being able to come out. She was entitled to play with the boy, and was interacting like another friend. He was jealous when she was with the friend, and not with him. The boy liked when the friend would share her with him, and their friendship was back again.

Responses from friends covered how grass, police, and school were moving along. Major popular conversations would start concerning the law. They didn’t go into the depths of each one, but they did discuss them like they knew what they were talking about. Periodic concern for police involvement arose. The boy liked to forget about them. Some friends didn’t want to see him go to jail. Some would rather see him finish school.

It was strange how drugs influence the mind. The boy was convinced there was a direct connection, and in a weird way. The druggies wanted to see him in school as well. His friends the studious people were glad to see the boy in good spirits. Not everyone knew what made him feel good. Dealing with diverse involvements of people, there were varying degrees of knowledge, and interest in situations. He couldn’t place it all together for himself.

Outside of his walls and defenses was a haze of feelings trying to get in. He had already prevented them from reaching the awareness. Somewhere in the thought of people hoping he would go to jail, He blocked out all other incoming feelings of that nature. With every world kept out, is a world in itself. Experiences of good were deflected, and the boy didn’t want to chance it. He was reading responses of the read responses of his so called friends. The boy knew where they were coming from.

A personal awareness of thoughts was periodically received. Sarcasm ran rampant with certain people. After a while, he would go along with what was said, and not what was heard. Inside the boy would suffer the repercussions of the displaced anger. This would complicate feelings of anger, hurt, loss, and the fears would get lost in there somewhere. Fear of where it would end him up was consumed in the narrow visions of jail. All this thought would feed into the reasoning. The boy had plenty of time to develop his thoughts.

The boy was unaware of what would happen if the expressions of feelings came out at all. Instinct was saying to express the feelings, and his gut reaction was feeling for him not to express what was going on. It was wrong, and fought the general nature of the facade he was putting up. Suppression, avoidance, ignorance, and denial all helped this to bring passivity into the scene. A little adjustment of drugs, and his facade was in the macho perspectives of things. He felt right at home. From the druggies, and the comfort established with them, to the awareness of groups headed to class, the energies were channeled to studies.

Eventually, lessons were ingrained with his feelings, reasoning, and emotions. With this energy transference well under way, he was a part of his nature. He only faced the feelings once again, in another personal situation. His way of dealing with things was effective. As he progressed up the scale of inappropriate behaviors, the normalcy of appropriateness, were being distorted. Did he notice, and did he care? If he didn’t notice when others noticed, he wouldn’t take noticing them to heart. The effect would touch base, and start a seed.

Rejection took place, and the feeling of being a derelict lead to feeling unaccepted. The police record warded off the real friends. This narrowed choices of healthy interaction to slim, or none. He was subject to accept the friends that came along. He failed to fight the concept in his head, and certainly wouldn’t be able to fight the interaction with the influenced minded. Control was an issue. With interactions his real self feared to get involved. He was holding back the best for his fear of something else. He was probably holding back emotional floods, and never learned how to let them out. He wanted to drown them out.

The boy’s reputation gathered only one species. Who would want to have anything to do with a person like him? The boy took notice, but didn’t realize what he was noticing for. His immediate friends had things in common, but nothing of the puzzle was coming together.

Did he ever have a puzzle that wouldn’t come together? He drowned that feeling in the drugs, and let the pieces sit until he was ready. Edges, colors, shapes, and the thought of missing pieces all played a role. The company messed up at times adding extra pieces. This didn’t happen often. The boy struggled with the feelings of what was going on, and couldn’t deal with the start. As his choices narrowed, and realizations came that these friends were not the best friends to have.

He couldn’t avoid the forced present interactions with the good students. Someone was listening to what was going on. The boy sensed a wall up around these people, and went on with the work. The wall was to fend off certain influences the boy had. His friend’s parents let him know he was a bad influence. Work was finished, and a stress was gone. This healthy friend was on her way. New thoughts, ideas, feelings, and loneliness accompanied the boy. Certain interactions would cause different feelings to surface. This was the pleasantness from the association. It was too bad the boy couldn’t stop the world. He would be aware of things other then drugs, money, law, and studies. At least he would get some of his work done.

Alienation of the self and the feelings of others could be a drug addict’s motto. He dismissed the involvement of certain people. Certain values gave him hidden desires. Certain limits made him feel alone. Loneliness was fed with marijuana, and booze. The feelings of giving and taking were accentuated. Nature, marijuana, and he had a regular thing going. Inside when he let certain uncomfortable feelings in, he would experience loneliness at its worst. It would lead him to the drug answer. If the feeling wasn’t answered by his drugs it was a friend, and their drugs. Sometimes an involvement with the good life orientated friends would do it without him ever noticing. With an impulsive thank you the boy would be by himself. The boy wasn’t sure if the thank you was for a verbal tangible answer, or the feeling inside coming up. It was relieving itself with mannerisms.

It wasn’t often, but the boy could feel the influence of health. He spent time away from the right kind of people to give them a chance. This segregation was due to the acclimation from one world, and into the other. Discomfort, un-acceptance of views, orientation of feelings, and proper realignment affected him with rubbing the wrong way. Regardless of it being the better, healthier, or happier it was the way with more satisfactions. It was from his drug-oriented view, which was unreliable. All that change, and what was in it for the boy? His drugs already warped his thinking to expect something other then what was real. The boy was in the drugged viewpoint of a tangible trap. The interactions of emotions were being dealt with differently. He couldn’t get himself to see it any other way. It made perfect sense the boy would accept. The boy was alienated from himself, and the feelings of others.

Retorting to other behaviors was in the works. Enjoyment of throwing snowballs, sticks, and things at cars filled the gap of something less productive to do. Snowballs were a winter game with the drivers. Sketching on tailgates got to be good transportation. Pulling pins out of car tire inner tubes, made running away with the sound of a whistle from the release of air rewarding. Grand theft auto was on the mind, but fought with better judgment. These things were improvisations of communication. They were saying something, and not heard.

It was the boy’s place to say what was going on. One thing led to another, and he learned to ignore his feelings. The reactions of angry people, after the things they did, were enough to make anyone do it again. Sometimes the boys would feed into each other in response to the angry expressions of the people. This way he didn’t let the energy escape. Something in the great outline of life left him to state, It was great. The new idea was what was so great. If it happened to people, it wouldn’t have been so great. The indirect way he was saying things wasn’t getting the message across. Maybe it was the change in the weather.

Woods became viewed in a new light. The woods became something to run to. Out in the open the boys would be seen. Running into the woods was a great feeling. This was a place well known to them. The depths of the woods gave cover. Deeper in the woods was their ‘opium den’. There was a sanction within a sanction, and freedom. The world was left out, and they could create whatever atmosphere they saw fit. Out in the wild was a sense of control. The boys enjoyed that feeling. Maybe they were somewhere between civilization, and the undeveloped existence of the woods. That is where they were at home. The boys had a niche in life. The light of life was found in the darkness, and enjoyed. The candle like glow of their joints, were of mother earth. They smoked. Atmospheric and environmental pressures led them away from life.

Getting grounded, and being involved with more drugs came into the scene. Punishment no longer stopped his pleasures. Cigarettes in the bathroom gave to new ideas. Now thoughts of grass came to him on the toilet. The smell was explained as cigarette smoke, and now this was not allowed. No smoking in the house was allowed. The parents had resigned to accept their son had some bad problems. Rules were affecting his personal business. In a way, the boy helped to warp this perspective in reality.

Lunch money decisions were getting bigger. The options were getting difficult. Spent on food, the money would enhance his studies. Spent on grass the money would enhance his hunger. The mind would think it enhanced his studies, and the stomach would tell the mind to forget about thinking about it. Spent on beer and grass at night he made an evening event. This enhanced his hunger, and studies. The beer at night gave him time to do his homework while in school. During the day the boy wouldn’t have gotten high, and the work would be done.

His marijuana consumption and the chemical in his bloodstream never really stopped. The blood level had opportunity to reduce to a point where he was able to give an effort to his studies. A significant blood level still existed. His igniting the joint daily, maintained a blood level that prevented him from doing better in his studies.

His optimal functioning or clean state off of drugs was never experienced. After a few days without consuming, the drugs remained in his system. The consumption and lingering blood level content prevented him from excelling further than he allowed himself. His full potential would not be experienced, and he would only think he was doing better by passing on a morning high.

Time was well managed, and utilized. Time spent waiting for the bus was a party, or a study hall. He was again stupid to waste his time on the studies. Lunch was great to waste away on a joint. Money and time were joined in a joint. Not to mention the people who joined him on this event. With these people, came an emotional fulfillment that was equal to the emotional fulfillment of nourishment. Putting stresses, tensions, pressures, and emotional feelings together he felt content. The druggies mind would work this equation out, as he gave up on the information learned in class.

Being observed by parents, teachers, and every other authority dictated limitation awareness. The watchful eyes of maturity were upon him. He was preventing himself from learning the wealth of knowledge they had to offer. Big Brother came out of the mysterious unread book. The concept was real to many people. The boy was experiencing it from yet another perspective. A sense of blame for actions got around. Certain ideas were received from the sense of blame. The boy didn’t take credit for all of his insights.

With a high paranoia index, it was either the ideas, or something else that was coming across. This paranoia index was received as awareness, and being able to think he understand things going on. The way the boy was dealing, and coping with the world, he could trust these things. Who else would the boy bestow this trust in? This was the only consistent thing going. The sun wasn’t consistent. The authorities were very consistent, and fluctuated with their consistency with in reason. The boy had reasons also.

In many ways, the perspectives of all these authorities were understandable until confusion came. The boy would be thinking he was at their level, and they would shed light to get him to think otherwise. He dealt with this by drugs, but first he wanted to hear the reasoning. Then he would go for the joint. If he feels the hook, the sinker didn’t come. The boy would go around without reason to his next class. The thought of the hook would stick, and he would lose it in class.

Authority awareness of derelict behaviors was their first part of getting rid of their problem. The people involved with drug activity develop routines, and patterns with their behavior. As these consistent activities continue, the pressing authorities gain greater influence over the participants. The authorities affectively wean out some hopeful prospects, and lead them back in the right direction. When the hopeful prospects of receiving an education are removed, the authority bides their time to bringing down enforcement.

Their awareness to the drug problems was obvious. The authorities would take action, and handle the drug users accordingly. If someone had hope, they were given additional chances. If someone was a bad influence they were given strong suggestions to stop what they were doing. The repeated offenders and those that gave total neglect for authority were removed. The right time, and setting the trap was all in a days work. The authorities improvised the no tolerance guidelines, and saw hope that they could lead some good students away from this type of involvement.

With the sinker in the action, the boy would have a line to carry him through the issue until he partied. When they used the sinker, they wanted him to hit the bottom. Without the sinker, they wanted him to float, flounder, and think on the issue. He was getting to appreciate waiting for the sinker. Another part of the habit he could deal with. Using the sinker, and not wanting for the bottom to be reached, requires a certain feeling of the water. It also has a luring affect that leads the fish into school.

They knew what sort of fish they were after. They knew the best way to bait the hook, and not to underestimate how to dangle the worm in front of the eyes. The boy has already caught a hook in the mouth, and wasn’t biting. He couldn’t help to avoid stealing the food for thought. It depended who was fishing. The boy couldn’t go fishing anymore, and hooky was at its limit. Given the chance the boy could do a good job of fishing. He wasn’t in the right position, and wasn’t seen this way. He was given the hook, and was sent on the sinker for this round.

Periodic attention to homework was rising for the occasion. A kind of back, and forth type of existence occurred. Juggling two things came easy. The right order was homework before drugs. The other way didn’t work so well. His highs felt better after the homework was done. The boy realized the drugs were helping him lose information from afternoon studies. What had to be, had to be? Sometimes, the drugs made him believe it was lending knowledge to the information. This also added confusion into the process of studying. Reading was more difficult, and he already had a problem in that department.

The boy had a false sense of worth received in the fact that his close friends didn’t give attention to their studies. With their influences and judgment the boy wasn’t going to get A’s. He wasn’t going to see his friends if he didn’t get passing grades. The boy found motivation from sources, and it came in different ways.

Parents had concerns about his schoolwork. He was tested at home. At home tests, the boy made a crib sheet. He didn’t use crib sheets in school, and left the sheet in the kitchen table for the parents to question. It wasn’t deliberate, but it happened. At school, the boy didn’t cheat so the teachers could judge him on real knowledge. The curve would be thrown out of perspective if he did cheat. His grade kept an honest track of his knowledge. The writing of the crib sheet at home gave him a once over the information he wouldn’t have had. This was felt, but not understood as a positive thing.

The idea of cheating held as much weight as the consumption of drugs. He would be immediately expelled, if he got caught cheating on tests. The direct feeling he received on cheating was not blurred with the drugs. This gave him a state of obedience over the subject, and he faced classes with only the information he had in his head. This information was whatever knowledge and ideas he was able to maintain in the mind, and apply to his test taking.

He had a weird study habit as well. Learning the way he learned was not to rewarding. Picking up information from reading, and not understanding what he was reading. This wasn’t a very good feeling. The mouth would have the answers. The boy talked while he read, or at least he moved his lips. In tests, he didn’t do the mouth actions. It didn’t come to mind. Something was connected for him there, but this was far from normal. He tried to ignore the habit, and impulsively didn’t do it on tests. In reading, he would read every word. Trying to understand what the author was saying, he would miss out on what he was writing. The boy had a few problems, so he went to school for the answers.

A consistency of grade fluctuations balanced his needs. The grades changed with the seasons. In a way, it changed with the wind. When grass was in the wind, he had poor grades. Even as finals neared, the facts held true. The knowledge would be there when he needed it. The boy was test-wise and homework-stupid. If he did the homework, and attempted the reading, he would get the information down on the tests. When the boy had an important test, he avoided certain friends.

With friends like these, it was like undercover work for the other students. Ruining his chances to surface on the bell curve, but no real affects on the other grading process. The grass flowed for finals season, and it added to the devoted picture. If the boy’s devotion would put in above average efforts, he would be getting an average grade. He settled for the average effort. When it came to studies he had a clear head. The boy understood when, and where, his grade fluctuated. He felt the class pressures at work. The boy noticed stresses that were experienced, as he didn’t meet up, but he didn’t get the message to apply more effort.

The message was give up the drugs, and overcome the stresses. Here the emotions and feelings played with the thinking. The drugs were easing the pressures and stresses indirectly. They also caused problems indirectly from another perspective. The formula balanced, and he wouldn’t feel the highs during final times. The drug use affected his studies with out feeling the real highs. He reduced his consumption, and didn’t give the high time to appreciate it. This gave the finals his attention. The boy had some hopes of getting some good grades this year. He held firm, and said Sit back, drugs, I’m busy.

The boy’s reputation made people cautious. He was coming across as inconsistent, and didn’t care. Irritability was still calmed with drugs, while studies became of importance. Around him students’ double-checked their lockers. Druggies held their grass more tightly. Home was scarcely found as a comfort. Getting into thinking, the boy was stealing people’s ideas. When he passed a test, it was well earned. He felt certain changes around other students. A sense of concern about his presence arose. He might influence them to do wrong.

The boy must have put on aggressive airs, and made like he was after something people were seeing. The change in his behavior was bringing on uncertain and unexpected reactions. What would coming off drugs have done? To the user it was more like a regular thing around the finals. Addicts were stupid if they partied through finals time. Not with his friends, and the boy was sometimes stupid for refusing. Inside the boy had knowledge to save about the experiences they all had. An alienated appearance from others occurred as he started to pick up books. The boy must have been trying to impress somebody, but realized nobody was interested anymore. This put an unknown expression on him, and he was sending messages. The boy held the fort, and moderately refrained from heavy parties.

Searching for a job was beginning to fester. The boy was looking forward to the country club scene. He wasn’t headed into the court thing, and money would have to be earned the right way. The breaking and entering has become old news. In many ways, the boy tried to conform to good behavior. A job would lead to different interactions with new people. The boy knew what working high, and feeling like superman, was like. The efforts for work were centered to the concentration of studies. It was hard to deny the offer of a joint. A freebie doesn’t come by all the time. The boy couldn’t wait until the summer, and the end of the school year.

He remembered the holidays with the relatives. Santa, singing, and presents were given. It was nice to enjoy the holiday spirit. It was the time of year the boys were hunting down houses, but the holidays were religiously appreciated. He never wrote for Christmas presents, and got the real meaning of what a surprise was. Church was an expectation before opening the presents. Midnight mass would be over, and done with. He was home to find Santa was already there. By this time, he realized Santa was not for real, but the spirit of Saint Nick was always noticed.

Engulfed in the sense of aloneness, and the inability to share, the boy had no money. This covered the feelings, and emotions. Hugs and kisses were the ritual of coming, and going. The anxiety of the moment was what voided the boy out. The boy was alone in the things he did. He had only kissed or hugged the family on special occasions. Closeness with people had a drug buffer. Even then, the feeling was enhanced alienation. He always was being alone in a crowd of people. He held these feelings in deep, and didn’t let them out. With family, he was often quiet, but feeling warmth from the spiritual event of the get together. Aside from this, he was well off alone. Giving signs of loneliness led to attention he was uncertain about dealing with.

In school he mixed the good feelings and the fears. Finding himself between a rock and the hard place was frustrating, but he could cope. With his walls, and defenses he learned to stay away from certain things. The aloneness of loneliness, lead to thinking for his independence. Often strength from independence would take him away from the depressions of loneliness. With the pride, esteem, ego, and defenses going, who couldn’t feel good? It had a way of putting all those other feelings aside. Perfection to a fault was in the works. He hid the cruel realities from himself, and didn’t want to see them. He also hid them from everyone else, but he had hope now.

Weekends started off at the golf course. Grass was flowing. The earnings were being lost to parties. It was back to money for grass, or money for booze. Work led to dealers, and from dealers he led himself to the parties. Parties led to getting wasted, and then to bed. From bed, and breakfast, and it was off to school. Work brought him back to money again. Somewhere in between he managed to do his studies. The boy was hopeful, and harbored beliefs of being up on the class issues. He believed his problem was under control. He thought he had control of the subject matter, and prepared for classes. A certain feeling was telling he would do just fine. Life was going good again. The summer was starting to make an affect.

Acquaintances with out of town friends came to light. It was like the new friends had others involved in the parties. They have a friend who does large amounts of partying. From there it was the influence of the weed leading to their acquaintances. The boys were into the new friend deal, and couldn’t ignore the good time thoughts. At least, the boy thought it could bring in better times.

The original friend and the boy have made understandings toward the robbery situation. They heard of people who fought after situations like this. One day fighting, and the next day they were being friends. Who cared anymore? The boys were set to accept differences of opinions. The influx of new friends was brightening the environment. No woman, or girls, but decent people who had a good rap. The friend’s room was reenacted with the smell of grass, but his stepfather wouldn’t smell it. There were still reminders of the early winter endeavors. Picking up the things, the friend would smile. He’d try to get a smile out of the boy. These new friends didn’t realize what the boys were into, but didn’t ask either. They were interested in the marijuana involvement.

The new comers had a type of intelligence, and it showed in the words they used. It had to do with attraction, and likeness. Liking someone, they have to have something on the ball. It left the boy wondering if he appeared smart, or stupid in class. The boy was in the state test preparation courses, and that felt like something inside. Some of these new guys were under the same standards. The boy was beginning to feel more comfortable. They had already had extracurricular activities that were in common. These interactions were great to feel. There existed feeling comfortable to people with certain levels of knowledge.

Expressing certain issues, the boy would not have to repeat himself. He no longer felt he was stupid. A great uplifting came over him from this new group of friends. It was nice to see his friend’s information in motorcycles, but that was no help with school. Now the boy had reasonable friends who could relate, and seemed to parallel studies in school. These friends had a better use of the language then the boy did. Running off at the mouth equaled that out. These guys, one could sense, knew what was being said. A little piece of security was received from them for starters.

Parties continued more steadily. The bigger the crowd the more they stayed put. Options were available to go off on tangents. The parties began to get interesting. Thoughts and ideas were coming in clearer. The new group of friends lent a sense of control. Little feelings were being acquired, and balanced off. The old parties and the new were mixing the conversational arts.

The boy would open his ears to conversations, and they were starting to bring on a feeling of interest. Something was coming in from these friends that was lacking before. On occasion, the boy fed into discussions, but wasn’t sure from where. Action was beginning to pick up. Words, thoughts, insights, ideas, and rationale were making sense. The boy was beginning to feel this idea of partying was what it was supposed to be. It has become a regular social event. He no longer drowned in the substances.

Entrance of the atmosphere preoccupations followed suit. This new group had plans of their future the boys hadn’t given time to think about. Maybe his friend did, but the boy didn’t. The boy was ignorant to thinking about a car, college, and future work up until now. This started him thinking of what he would do between being in high school and becoming an astronaut. The boy saw where their plans fit into life.

These minor problems would take care of themselves. Thoughts of ownership were new. Of course, making out, up, and speaking plans of their own was in order. The boy was left with the reality of his plans as they were, but sparing the plan of space travel. At this point, the boy was proud of his bicycle. Pieces of life’s puzzle were coming together. Things like this could answer for unknowns, and soon reality was starting to fit in. The boy avoided entering a discussion of the issue on futuristic plans. The boy was convinced astronauts had to be virgins, and was satisfied with that.

A few lies from the past were still making him sound good. From here grass, information, insights, booze, and thoughts were filling the parties. The boys getting high from the beer and the consumption of grass continued. Inside, a high was being felt from enlightened thoughts. The boy was used to putting them away for school, and now he could harbor them with the new words that arose.

Conversations with these new friends gave rise to being able to discuss class work. The learned material in school was beginning to bridge a gap into the opium den. His knowledge, lessons, and information from school had found its way into the evening events. The newcomers were able to relate to some of the context the boy would retain during his school day. Having an opportunity to rehash his schoolwork could be a form of study. His continued use of the substances was going to inhibit his grasp of the information. Rehashing the material would prove to be better than drowning it all to drugs.

The new friends had no problems when it came to bringing up school information. His old friend would rather forget the school event, and leave it at school. These new friends have brought a good influence with them. The associations and involvements with healthy influences can divert the path leading the boy to failure.

The old friend would be slighted with the attention, and conversations brought out with the new friends. A comfort level was created, and the old friend was a spectator. The flow of money was introducing aspects that the boy had more control over his life again. A presents of money, drugs, alcohol, and friends were allowing the boy to possess what he wanted. The interjection of common subject matter, on the intellectual plain, offers reinforcement for his studies. The boy’s concerns were being satisfied as his old friend faced certain discomforts. The group continued to get along as the evenings gave time for them to party.

Thefts of cars were instigated, but not acted on. An interest into the new transportation thing, shed thoughts of it was time now. The boy felt another journey coming up. The friend’s minibike would have to be good enough. The thought of one of the new friend’s new car was on the boy’s mind. If the carjacking became like the robbery thing, they would act soon. Going places, the old companion would be inside cars. He knew how to hotwire them, and never got one to go. It did seem reasonable, and it was done on television. Things were getting involved.

Thanks to summer work, new friends, grass, and studies the group had things to do. Maybe next year they would try this hotwire business. Lack of interest, was a place the boy’s passivity didn’t form new troubles. The reasoning, self control, understanding, and an outside view of stupidity were received from the new friends. The boy related to these new friends. Birds of a feather were sticking together. Some old knowledge was coming back, and they were losing rationale. He was learning to think better ways, or they were mixing the good with the bad. It seemed positive things were being established on both ends. The boy was back to giving his friends the stash of grass.

The golf course was a supplier of funds. They had to show the new friends a good time. This affair was a hit with everyone. The job options of green destroyers were possible. The boys did a good job at aerating the greens. Maybe they could be security guards to stop this from happening. The boys as security guards would be good at getting it to stop. This was conceived as smart thinking. Golf courses were suppliers of everything. Caddie monies, entertainment, play, and a few free golf balls were what made them different from dull people. Then it would be back to the fort, or the friend’s room.

Comfort of the woods continued. The place these guys came from was accepted as a good party place also. This was the notorious fields group of kids. Now the boy was accepted into their domains, and they into his. Did they know the boys were periodically watching them during reconnaissance missions? The upkeep of the woods went on. The old room was a good meeting place, and a base to branch out from. Other forts went up in the woods. Fort battles would soon begin.

Accepted life styles of an addict were further reinforced with the new comers. Finals were nearly over, and the summer was beginning to dictate the boy’s behavior. Drugs, booze, and rock and roll would soon rule. The pattern for the summer was already pre-planned. It was clear where every penny was going. Getting