Family Bound: One Couple's Journey Through
Infertility and Adoption

By Carrie Ostrea

Statistics show that over two million couples will experience some type of infertility issue when they try to become pregnant. However, when you are one of those two million, you feel completely alone and believe that no one can truly understand what you are going through.

This honest and revealing book documents one couple's long and arduous journey to become parents from the eyes of the author. The longer this process took, the more emotional and difficult things became, and the more the author relied on this journal to sort out all the emotions she was having. She never expected that this journal would last for years, hundreds of hormone shots and pills, blood draws, surgical procedures, terrorist attacks, international flights and the most emotional and financial roller coaster that she had ever been on. But she and her husband were desperate to become parents, to have their own child to love, to hug, to experience life with.

By sharing their experience, this book offers insight into the emotional, physical and sociological effects infertility has on a couple's relationship, their families, friends and themselves as individuals. It also provides in-depth detail of popular infertility treatments, domestic and international adoption processes.

• Language: English
• Publisher: iUniverse
• Release date: Apr 14, 2003
• ISBN: 9781462096022

Carrie Ostrea

Carrie Ostrea is the founder and managing editor of UltimateWedding.com, a popular online wedding planning resource. She lives with her husband, Robert and her son, Ethan, in Ventura County, California. She is a peer counselor for those dealing with infertility and an adoption advocate for prospective parents contemplating adoption.

Book preview

© 2003 by Carrie Freedman Ostrea

No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping, or by any information storage retrieval system, without the written permission of the publisher.

iUniverse, Inc.

For information address:

iUniverse, Inc.

2021 Pine Lake Road, Suite 100

Lincoln, NE 68512

www.iuniverse.com

Carrie Ostrea and her husband Robert have completed one adoption from Russia and are in the process to adopt their second child. She is a publisher and can be reached at www.familybound.com

ISBN: 0-595-27429-3

ISBN: 978-1-4620-9602-2 (ebook)

Contents

Preface

Introduction

1

Clomid Treatment

2

Artificial Insemination

3

In-Vitro Fertilization, take 1

4

In-Vitro Fertilization, take 2

5

Domestic Adoption

6

Egg Donor Process

7

Egg Donor Procedure and In-Vitro Fertilization, take 3

8

Domestic Adoption, take 2

9

In-Vitro Fertilization, take 4and International Adoption

10

International Adoption Home Study Agency

11

International Adoption Placement Agency

12

Waiting for a Child

13

September 11, 2001 Terrorist Attacks

14

Our First Referral

15

Our Second Referral

16

Our Court Date

17

Russia

18

The New Mommy

19

Life with Ethan

APPENDIX A

Self Study Questions

APPENDIX B

Situations to Consider when Adopting

APPENDIX C

Resources

To Ethan and our future child

It is because we knew you were out there for us

that we made this incredible journey.

Preface

According to the National Center for Health Statistics’ 1995 report on Fertility, Family Planning and Women’s Health, there are 2.1 million couples that are dealing with infertility problems in trying to conceive a child. 2.1 million couples! That is an amazing and horrific number of people suffering through the emotional and financial roller coaster of something that should be so simple—creating a family.

Many people in today’s society take for granted the ability to easily get pregnant. Every day on the streets, there are constant reminders about the beauty of life being created with the sight of pregnant mothers walking carefree, going about their everyday tasks. Meanwhile the media portrays the issue of teenage pregnancy becoming a serious problem within the community. We are also reminded of unwanted newborns who are abandoned and thrown into dumpsters, left alone to die.

But for those who are experiencing difficulties in trying to get pregnant, these images are a constant reminder of the pain and suffering they are feeling because they cannot conceive or carry a child to term. They may feel that the only way to escape these feelings is by withdrawing from society so they don’t have to see it, try to pretend it doesn’t exist, or perhaps they can find solace and understanding from other women and men going through the same issues.

There are many different levels of infertility from the requiring of simple assistance in ovulating to the unexplained diagnosis behind multiple miscarriages. It is the not knowing if you will ever be able to have your own child that becomes the universal fear for all.

My husband and I were one of those 2.1 million couples dealing with infertility. Though part of an undesirable fraternity, we felt completely alone in our struggle to become parents. We felt as if we were being punished for something, that perhaps we weren’t good enough to become parents because we were unable to conceive a child on our own. We had many friends who had started their families, and it had become more difficult to be around them to experience the joys that their family brings. Yes, we were one of 2.1 million couples and yet we felt completely isolated.

This book chronicles our journey to become parents from the beginning, from the time we married until the day we finally were able to be called Mommy and Daddy. We felt that by sharing our journey and experiences with other couples, we may be able to show them that they are not alone in what they are feeling. We wanted to show that even though the odds may seem hopeless, there can be a happy ending.

We also wanted to share our experiences with others who may know of someone else going through a difficult time becoming a parent. We wanted to give them insight into the feelings that infertility brings, so that they may better understand what their friend or family member is going through. Understanding the ravages of emotional hell that is brought about by infertility, they may be able to provide them with the support and comfort they need to get through their struggle to become parents.

Our journey started as two people in love, who wanted to share their love with a child of their own. It took many years, and a lot of heartbreak and feelings of hopelessness and desperation along the way, but we did have our happy ending. We have a beautiful child who calls us Mommy and Daddy.

Introduction

I never believed in love at first site until I met Robert, my husband. We met back in April of 1996 at a pool hall and went on our first date to Six Flags Magic Mountain a few days later. We talked on the phone for hours, and I had never had such an easy flow with conversation like I did with him. A week after we met, he took me to Las Vegas for the weekend. It was there, in front of the volcano at the Mirage Hotel that he told me that we would end up married. It wasn’t really a romantic moment. He just said it as if it was just a matter of fact. In my heart, I knew he was right, and that I had finally found my soul mate. During the entire 400-plus mile drive home from Las Vegas to Los Angeles, we talked about everything from religion, to family values, to work ethics to raising children.

A few months later, sitting on the field at Dodger Stadium for the Fourth of July fireworks, we decided to get married. We just knew we were meant to be together, and there was something so comfortable, so easygoing about our relationship. Even though he had his own place, he had already started moving over his stuff and we were living in my apartment. This just seemed like the logical progression. Everyone thought we were moving too fast, and if I saw another couple doing what we did, I would have said the same thing about us. But it just felt right.

From the time we got engaged, we started talking about life with children. I wanted more than anything to be a part-time work-at-home mom. The idea of staying home with our children while still being able to work part-time was my dream. But coming up with a business that we could do that would allow me this luxury was tough. Then one night, at 3:45am, I started putting our wedding information online. We were both computer geeks, and even though the internet was very new at this point, the idea of getting something on the web was very exciting to us. A few months after we started our wedding website, we received an email from someone who offered us $30 to advertise her company on our wedding website. Right then and there we knew what type of business we could start so I could work part-time when we had kids in a year or so.

One year and one day after we met, we were married in a wonderful ceremony at the Treasure Island Hotel in Las Vegas with fifty of our closest friends and family. The hotel was the place where we spent our first weekend together and he told me we are going to end up married. We thought it was the perfect place to truly make it forever. It was more than just a one-night event. It was an entire wedding weekend for everyone, and to this day everyone tells us how much fun our wedding was.

My husband and I decided that I should go off birth control pills two months before we were married. We were so excited to start a family. We went to Toys ‘R’ Us looking at everything we wanted to buy and we thought that we would be buying all these things within the next year or so. We were so terrified that we might get pregnant before the wedding. Oh my God, what would people think if we got pregnant before the wedding!

Once I went off birth control pills, it took about three months before I got my period. I had always been regular while on the pill, so I just thought that I’d be normal after my body gets used to not being on the pill.

We tried to get pregnant every twenty-eight day cycle and well, twenty-eight days came and passed a few times with no period. We had bought an ovulation predictor kit hoping to be able to catch the eggie but it never seemed to tell me I was ovulating. So we figured that the kit was broken and ended up buying another one. Either that one didn’t work either, or there was a problem and I wasn’t ovulating like I should be. Towards the end of November I went to my OB/GYN. We had already been married seven months and we didn’t seem any closer to having children.

We went in for a consultation with my gynecologist, Dr. Schwartz. He thought that I should try to go on Clomid, a fertility drug. He said that the chances of having twins were small, but there was a chance. Robert and I talked in great length that night about our fears of having twins, but decided that the risk and the cost was worth it because we were both getting impatient and didn’t want to keep trying on our own.

It was at that point that I decided to journal our hopefully short-lived fertility treatments to have something to share with our child. At first it was more just to keep track of dates and dosages. The longer the process took, the more emotional things became, and the more I relied on my journal to sort out all the emotions I was having. I never expected that this journal would last for years, hundreds of hormone shots and pills, dozens of blood draws, surgical procedures, terrorist attacks, international flights and the most emotional and financial roller coaster that we had ever been on. When I think back to everything we had done to get to where we are, I can’t believe what we actually agreed to go through.

But we were desperate to become parents, to have our own child to love, to hug, to experience life with. Towards the end of this journey, the word desperate seems like such a truly understated term. We wanted to become parents. Even though at times it truly seemed hopeless, we were determined to find our child…somehow, somewhere.

1

Clomid Treatment

After meeting with Dr. Schwartz, my OB/GYN, we decided to go ahead and start fertility drugs. At the time, I truly believed he thought we were just impatient because it had only been seven months since we first started trying to get pregnant. Under normal circumstances, doctors usually require that a couple try to get pregnant naturally for at least one year. He gave us the option of using Clomid to increase our chances of getting pregnant right then instead of just continuing to try on our own.

Clomid is a fertility drug in pill form that is used to help stimulate ovulation in women who have problems ovulating. It tells your pituitary gland to make more FSH (follicle stimulating hormones) that helps in the development of your eggs. After you finish the Clomid, your body will release the mature egg into the Fallopian tubes and if your timing is right, you’ll become pregnant.

We were such an impatient couple, that we decided to go ahead and try the Clomid. Our major fear was having twins, but our doctor told us that our odds for twins only increase 10% when using Clomid. With the odds of having twins being really pretty small, we felt we had nothing to lose.

We’re started with a 50mg dosage of Clomid along with Premarin pills (estrogen tablets). He gave me a Provera shot in the butt (and it hurt!) to bring on my period. This would begin my first and hopefully only cycle of Clomid. Starting on day three of my period, I was supposed to take the Clomid and Premarin pills for five days.

The odds of getting pregnant this time on Clomid are 50% if I could ovulate correctly. We didn’t mind those odds at all. He warned me about hot flashes, nausea and headaches because of the Clomid, but I was willing to do it if it meant we could have a baby. What was a little nausea and a few headaches when my body would be going through so much more when I am pregnant?

December 1997—Cycle 1:

I went in for an ultrasound today to see if there are any follicles that are growing, and it looks as if I didn’t even ovulate with the 50mg of Clomid. How could I have not ovulated? I thought that’s what this drug is for? Now Dr. Schwartz wants me to try 100mg of Clomid for the next round. This could get expensive for this next round, and I wonder how much of this is covered by our insurance? We agreed to do another cycle of Clomid, and I got another Provera shot in the butt to bring on my period and left the office.

We returned to our apartment and the first thing we wanted to do was to figure out how much this next cycle was going to cost, and how much our insurance covers for this type of treatment. Barely anything! We have to pay for the Clomid ourselves, and this next cycle is going to cost us $150 just for the Clomid. We don’t even know the cost of the Premarin and Provera shots yet.

January 1998—Cycle 2:

I’m getting a little nervous this cycle and starting to think that there actually may be something wrong with my body and the ability to have a child. We still don’t know why the first cycle didn’t work, but here we go again. This time we are going to try 100mg of Clomid along with the Premarin again. The Provera shot from last cycle worked and brought on my period. I started the two Clomid pills of 50mg each plus the Premarin on day three of the cycle again.

Update: When I went in for my ultrasound, it seemed that a follicle was growing! It looked about a 20mm, so they gave me an HCG shot (to release the egg into the fallopian tube) and go for it! My husband and I had intercourse that night as we were told to do. Sex on demand really isn’t very romantic. I went back into my OB/GYN and it turns out I never ovulated that follicle he saw and it just disappeared. So, what happened? How the heck could a follicle just disappear—I saw it in there! But Dr. Schwartz didn’t have an explanation, and wanted us to try one final cycle using the maximum dosage of 150mg of Clomid. Another Provera shot, and wait for cycle number three.

March 1998—Cycle 3:

I’m so nervous about this cycle. If this doesn’t work, what options do we have? I have to be positive, right? Robert has been right by my side during this whole process and I know that he’s got to be feeling nervous too. He’s always trying to keep me focused on the positive, but I know it’s got to be getting to him too. So here we go again with 150mg of Clomid and Premarin.

Update: My ultrasound showed a follicle growing in the right ovary. It measured at 19mm, but Dr. Schwartz wanted me to come back two days later to check it out. When I went back, the right ovary was empty and a 16mm follicle was growing in the left ovary. Dr. Schwartz looked stumped (isn’t that always a confidence booster when you stump your doctor). He decided to give me an HCG shot and go for it again. Again, after my husband and I did as we were told and had our required sexual intercourse, I went back to Dr. Schwartz and it turns out I never ovulated AGAIN. This is just ridiculous! What the hell is going on here? So, now what? Dr. Schwartz suggests that we see an infertility doctor and gives us a referral to Dr. Glass, a pioneer in the infertility field in our area.

June 1998

We decided that my body needed a three-month break from fertility drugs before we met with the new doctor. It’s been a very emotional time for us, as we really have to come to the realization that creating our family is not going to be as easy as we thought. This sucks! We want a family so bad, and then you see these girls in the news killing their babies and throwing them in dumpsters! I just want to slap them in the face and say, Do you realize how lucky you are?

We broke the news to my family since I work with them and we spent a lot of time with them. We are a close family and since I work with them on a daily basis, we thought they should know since we may end up doing the hardball infertility treatments. We’re only going to tell them as much as they need to know, I don’t want them worrying about me more than I know they already will. Though I think they are trying to be supportive, I know they aren’t really keen on us doing this and think we are rushing things since we are still young. Hell, I’m almost thirty years old, that’s not very young in my book! If there is something wrong, fix it, and let me have a child.

2

Artificial Insemination

At this point, we were feeling very alone in our struggle to become parents. I wouldn’t dare share what we were going through with our friends or most of our family. I was just too embarrassed. Many of our friends had started their families, and it was starting to become difficult being around all the talk of babies. I’d start to get very anxious and my stomach would get into knots when I would see a woman walking her baby in a stroller, or carrying it in her arms. It was just eating me up inside that it wasn’t me. I was very scared. I had no clue what the heck was wrong with my body.

It was also at this time that our wedding business, UltimateWedding.com, started to take off and grow. Though we both had separate full-time jobs, we spent every waking moment in our lives building our wedding website. We had quite a few advertisers at this time, and were making a decent amount of money. Robert and I both considered quitting our full-time jobs to turn this business into our full-time careers. It was a huge leap of faith since we’d be losing our job security, but we just had to try it. With a little help from my family, we decided to go for it.

Many of our brides were very loyal to the community portion of our website, so we created and started building a new community called UltimateBaby.com. It was a very new site with very few loyal visitors, and I kept hoping that there would be other stories similar to mine so I wouldn’t feel quite so alone. No one knew about my personal situation, and it would be years before I would admit to anyone on there what had been going on with us. So here I was, dealing with the daily administration of a planning, pregnancy and parenting website, when all I wanted was to be a parent myself.

After three cycles of the infertility drug that Dr. Schwartz said that most people get pregnant on (Clomid), we went to see an infertility specialist. It’s scary because now we were really dealing with infertility issues, and I didn’t even know what the heck is wrong with me except that I didn’t ovulate every twenty-eight days like most women.

My husband and I met with a Reproductive Endocrinologist (infertility doctor) named Dr. Glass that Dr. Schwartz referred us to. Instantly I felt so at ease with him. On the wall in his office was a copy of a Los Angeles Times article about him published sometime in the 1970s. It highlighted his achievement as one of the first doctors in this area to have a successful IVF (in-vitro fertilization) pregnancy and birth. He obviously knew what he is doing and this really gave us a boost of confidence that we were in good hands with our child’s future.

After reviewing all of my symptoms, as well as Dr. Schwartz’s charts and notes, he quickly diagnosed me with PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome). PCOS affects an estimated 7-10% of all women though many don’t even know they have it. In my case, it causes irregular periods, infertility, and weight problems. It is one of the leading causes of infertility.

He proceeded to explain to us what he thought was going on in my body and what it would take to get pregnant. He discussed all our options in detail, and was very honest with his evaluation and his methods of treatment. He warned us of the possibility of having twins, possibly triplets.

We went home that evening and discussed our options. Twins, maybe even triplets, at first that scared the you-know-what out of us. But after weighing our options, and because we were very impulsive and impatient people, we decided to give it a shot. The next day Dr. Glass gave me Provera pills to bring on my period and we were getting ready for our first round of Fertinex.

Fertinex is a hormone that stimulates your follicles into producing more eggs. It’s stronger than Clomid, and must be injected through a needle into your body (called subcutaneous—under the skin). Mostly people who have trouble producing eggs on their own use this stimulant.

The scariest thing about the Fertinex was the shots. Yes, I know, it was just a little needle, but I couldn’t even fathom shooting myself every night with those needles. Luckily, my awesome husband took over and decided he would give me my shot each night. So we were given instructions on how to do the injections and sent home. There’s nothing that gets a couple closer than having the husband shooting up his wife with needles!

July 12, 1998—Cycle 4

Tonight was the first night of shots, and was absolutely horrible! It was almost comical watching Robert and I try to figure out exactly how to get the right amount