Life Amplified: Our Family Touched by Autism

By Karen Skogen Haslem

If you know one child with autism, you know one child with autism. But not everyone gets that chance. In Life Amplified, Karen Haslem gives readers an honest, intimate, remarkably engaging look at the struggles and triumphs of her oldest son, who has autism. Drawing strength from their faith, the Haslem family strives every day to embrace, not just tolerate, Tituss differences. Written with humor, grace, and a gift for lucid detail, Haslems memoir captures a sequence of vivid episodes that convey the joy, heartache, pride, and terror of being Titusor being Tituss mom.

Life Amplified will bring new understanding and inspiration to other families touched by autism, as well as anyone seeking insight into their world.

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse
• Release date: Mar 20, 2015
• ISBN: 9781504903424

Karen Skogen Haslem

Karen holds a degree in domestic engineering and is blessed to be the mother of four children, with one who happens to have autism. Her main purpose behind writing her personal story is to bring hope to other families on the same journey. Karen and her husband, Aaron, have been married for twenty-one years and have four delightful children, ranging in age from nine to sixteen. Having already resided in the states of Montana, Nevada, and Oregon, they currently reside in the picturesque town of Red Hook, New York.

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2015 Karen Skogen Haslem. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

Published by AuthorHouse 03/18/2015

ISBN: 978-1-5049-0123-9 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-5049-0342-4 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2015904086

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

CONTENTS

Dedication

Chapter 1 From Infertility to Placement Day

Chapter 2 Early Days with Titus

Chapter 3 Missing at Church

Chapter 4 Grandma and the Train Tracks

Chapter 5 Change Is Good

Chapter 6 Very Literal

Chapter 7 Ms. Frizzle and Buddy the Beagle

Chapter 8 Bubble Gum and the Key Bank

Chapter 9 Raging Hormones and the Missing Eyebrow

Chapter 10 Saturn Gets Crushed and Surgery Fun

Chapter 11 The Junior High Boy Who Wanted to Be A Girl

Chapter 12 Warning: Major Life Change Ahead

Chapter 13 Look Out New York, Here We Come

Chapter 14 Our Young Man Goes to the Prom

Chapter 15 Have Scooter Will Travel

Epilogue

Appendix 1 How Can You Support a Family Affected by Autism?

Appendix 2 Tips for Educators

Appendix 3 Resources

About the Author

DEDICATION

This book is dedicated to Our Lord Jesus who came up with the plan of blessing us with a son who happens to have autism and sending us on the adventure of this life with him.

Also to the many people who have walked alongside our son through the years. It’s impossible to name each of them, but we want to acknowledge the dedicated people who spent the greatest amount of time with him. Our son is the amazing young man he is today due in part to your care and dedication. Thank you is simply not enough.

Teacher Tiffani Tuscherer, Kyle Smith, Teacher Wendy

Mrs. Hudock, Teacher Gayle Haydon, Miss Julia

Dr. Rob Dramov, Sherry McDonald

Mr. Ranslow, Jacque Hallquist

Mrs. Watters, Lisa Proffit

Mr. Jones, Mrs. Jones, Cliff Tunner, Susan Dieter Robinson, Mary Flagg

Jill Hertel, Janelle Mayo, Josh Kauffman, Brooke Harris

DeAna Aust, Nancy Donar

Mrs. Makebish, Miss Gohring, Ms. April

CHAPTER 1

From Infertility to Placement Day

Aaron got there first. First to the place you reach in your heart and mind where adoption becomes an opportunity. We had spent more time in the doctor’s office that day, this time hearing about needles, the calendar, and the expense of in-vitro fertilization. Money was tight. Aaron was in college full time working towards his engineering degree. We both worked full time jobs to avoid any school loan debt after his graduation. The $25K price tag on having a baby who had our genes was just not in the budget. We had been trying to have a baby for almost 5 years; the last year spent on and off Clomid, a popular infertility drug at the time. For months I had hoped and prayed that this would finally be the month and I could finally have that moment a woman dreams about, and I could tell Aaron he was going to be a daddy. It never came and I would cry myself to sleep wondering why God would put this deep desire to be a mommy in my being.

Like I said, Aaron got there first. He was so very gentle and patient and waited for me to get to that same place. One night he reminded me that my favorite book as a child, entitled The Family Nobody Wanted, was about a family who adopted 12 children. Now of course I didn’t want 12. Just one little someone to fill our house with pitter-patters and fingerprints. I had to come to the realization that God had a plan that was better than my plan. I had to trust Him above anything else and let go of my ideal family. I submitted my plan to God and honestly said your will, not mine. At that moment I had no idea how incredible God’s plan was for us.

We walked into the adoption agency on a brisk January day. Our social worker was a lovely woman who chatted with us about all the ins and outs of the adoption process through their private Christian agency. We chose a private agency even though we knew it would be more expensive than adopting a child through the state. We chose this particular agency because they provided counseling for young women before, during, and most importantly after the adoption. We had the choice to pursue a domestic or international adoption. For us the higher cost of an international adoption in addition to all the travel expenses was not an option. We also knew that there were so many children born right here in the states that needed a home. Another reason that we chose this particular agency was that they arranged what are called semi-open adoptions. A semi-open adoption is one where everyone is on a first name basis; a young woman, also known as a birth mother, is able to have arranged contact with the family after the adoption, all terms agreed upon before the baby is even born. We felt that this was especially important for us. We really wanted our birth mom to be well taken care of and supported throughout the process. At the time, I could only imagine how hard it would be for a woman to hand over her precious baby. She would make such a sacrifice to give us such a gift.

As with any adoption, the paperwork was daunting: background checks, fingerprinting, and 150 personal questions about us. The questions ranged from where and when were we were born all the way to how we planned to discipline our child in his teen years. The questions took much thought and countless hours to answer. One particularly memorable form was about children with special needs. The form listed about 40 different disabilities and birth defects such as blindness, cleft palate, heart murmur, and Down’s syndrome. We thought carefully as we answered each one. We wanted a baby. We wanted the baby that God hand picked. The little one that He had in mind may not be perfect in the world’s eyes but we knew that God doesn’t make mistakes. As we went through the list we decided to rule out the disabilities that would have been difficult for us to care for financially. For instance, a baby that would need several heart surgeries was not one we felt we could provide the proper care for, financially. It was at this point that we learned that a mixed race baby was considered special needs because they are harder to place. We really didn’t care what color our baby was. We just wanted to start our family.

Soon after all our initial paperwork was complete, I got a call from our social worker who told us we had been approved. This was a big deal for me; it was like the doctor telling me I was pregnant. I so wanted to make the moment special as I told my husband, much like I had imagined I would telling him I was pregnant. I left work early and went on a mission, shopping for little baby shoes. Up until this time I had tried to stay away from the baby section in stores, it would just make me sad and I’d end up crying all the way home. But on this day a baby in our future was inevitable. I went to several stores until I found the perfect pair: a tiny pair of red Converse sneakers, a pair that would work for a baby boy or a baby girl. I wrapped them up in a sweet little white box and tied them with a white bow. I attached a little note that said:

Congratulations! We’re approved ! You’re going to be a Daddy!

My husband’s lackluster reaction was not what I had imagined all those years, but my vision of motherhood had been turned on it’s head already, so it mattered little.

Aaron: What can I say? I am an engineer. I study the practical application of things. In my mind, we were approved, but not yet chosen. At that moment, there was an untold amount of time that it could take before we were even considered candidates by a birth mom. Which to me meant we could be years away from actually becoming parents. I couldn’t bring myself to get excited over being approved. Even after being chosen by a birth mom, it was possible that she could change her mind and chose someone else. I had reserved myself to being excited at the moment I put MY baby into the backseat of my car and drove away with MY family. Besides, who would have doubted that we would be approved? We were shoo-ins for that.

Near the end of our adoption process we were required to attend 6 weeks of adoption classes in a group setting with other hopeful couples. During this time, in March of that year, I woke up with some strange pains. After I spoke to my OBGYN, he had me come in for an exam and a blood test. The tests showed that I was pregnant but that something was wrong. At first they thought I had been carrying twins and had lost one but it turned out that a baby was growing in my fallopian tube. I had to have a surgery to take out the tube before it ruptured. At the follow-up appointment, the doctor spoke some infamous words: "During the surgery I discovered that your ovaries are covered with cysts, which explains why you have such a difficult time getting pregnant. Now with one tube gone, your chances are very slim. The chances of you having a baby are one in a million. You have a better chance of winning the lottery."

I was devastated and had to go through the grieving process all over again. I was questioning God once again about His plan. I knew it was a good plan but it sure didn’t feel like it. I grieved the baby, whom we named Sasha, that we had lost. I remember people saying things like well, at least you weren’t very far along and there must have been something wrong with that baby and God knows best. People meant well but I was crushed inside. For me it was the death of my child. I had lost a child that I wasn’t allowed to grieve socially. I couldn’t bury that baby. There was no memorial service. I didn’t even get to see a little face. I was angry and felt cheated. In my grief, God allowed me to be honest. I know He counted every tear and felt my heartache. He and my sweet husband allowed me to grieve. Soon enough I had peace again and we went forward with our plans to adopt.

Our adoption process was almost complete. Our last task was writing the letter to the birth mother. Each waiting couple was required to write a letter to a potential birth mom. An important part of the process for women wanting to place their baby up for adoption was that they got to choose the parents for their baby with help from their social worker. The social worker would choose a few couples and pass the handful of letters on to the birth mom. A letter written to a birth mom would be several pages long and include various photographs. Couples would write a brief history about themselves, about their relationship, their reasons for wanting to adopt, and their hopes and dreams for the future. The letter was her glimpse into the life her child would have. We spent two weeks preparing ours, carefully choosing photographs and heartfelt words. When we first stepped into the adoption agency we were told that the wait would be long - 18 months to two years, possibly longer. In our case, God had no such time frame. Even before we had finished our letter the social worker called and asked us to finish it quickly so that she could present it to a birth mom whom she had in mind. One week later we got another call. We had been chosen by a birth mom and she wanted to meet us in person.

Through our social worker we arranged to meet for lunch at the nearest Olive Garden. Our social worker would attend as well with the young woman who could potentially become our birth mom. We learned all the information about her before we even met. It was at this point that our vision of who our birth mom might be was turned upside down. We had expected to learn about a young high school or college-age girl who had found herself in a difficult situation. The woman we were about to meet was 26 years old and married. She and her husband were having difficulties and she subsequently chose to have an affair. Three affairs in fact, which meant three potential birth fathers. Her husband on learning of the pregnancy asked that she give the baby up for adoption as he did not want a reminder walking around in his home. The couple already had one child and were living on a small income. Their decision to give the baby up for adoption was a courageous one.

I remember being very nervous and praying a lot that morning. How do you prepare to meet a woman who could give you her child? Her child. The most precious gift she could give anyone. I felt like I was going on the biggest job interview of my life. What questions would she ask? What if I didn’t look like a good mother type? What does a good mother look like, especially if she’s not yet a mother? We prayed and asked God to be present in our meeting. If it wasn’t to be, we felt that God would make it clear to us.

Our social worker and Abby met us there (this is not her real name: it has been changed to protect her). The woman before us was very nervous as well, visibly shaking and laughing nervously. She was about 5'10 with light brown hair, a fair complexion, and large glasses on her face. Abby was very pregnant but also very thin, almost anorexic looking. Her doctor had said that the baby boy was perfectly healthy despite her thin build but was taking all it needed from her. She shared that her husband was making sure that she was well taken care of and not forgetting to take her pre-natal vitamins each day. As the four of us talked, the conversation did not lull. Questions were answered, impressions given, God was there. Abby was a Christian as well and talked about the fact that she knew she had made a mistake but now wanted something good to come out of the situation. She and her husband were in counseling to try to put the pieces of their marriage back together. We left the lunch feeling like it had gone well. Our social worker whispered that she’d give us a call soon to let us know Abby’s impression. The following morning we got the call we had been waiting for. Get ready to be parents."

Abby wasn’t due for another month so we decided to take a little vacation to Oregon to visit some close friends who had just had a new baby of their own. We went out and purchased our first cell phone so we could be contacted in case Abby went into early labor. It was a fun time as we were joyful about the fact that we would have a baby in our house very soon. Knowing that we had been chosen by a birth mom, we were still very cautious in sharing the news. Our families knew that we were in the midst of adopting a baby, but we didn’t tell anyone that we had been chosen. We had heard too many stories about heartbroken couples who were days away from bringing a baby home only to have an adoption fall through. We chose not to make any big plans in anticipation of the baby who was soon to grace our home. Driving home from Oregon we chatted excitedly about the baby, what we needed to do to prepare the house, ourselves, and mostly about how our life was about to change in a big way. This was an interesting time. Most couples have 6 - 9 months to prepare for their first baby. We had walked into the adoption agency in January, here it was in mid June and our baby would be arriving any day. Aaron’s parents had purchased a beautiful crib for us in hopes that we’d soon make them grandparents. We finally put it together and decorated the nursery in a Noah’s Ark theme. We spent our last days without children feverishly painting the nursery, staying up until the wee hours of the morning, too excited to sleep and wanting to finish the baby’s room. All the while in the back of our minds we knew that Abby could still change her mind. Until she signed the papers it was not a done deal.

The call came on a Thursday morning, June 24th, at 8am when I was at work. Your son was born last night. 8 pounds, 13 ounces, 21 long. Strong and healthy. Abby is doing fine, she had a good delivery. As I hung up the phone, tears in my eyes, the office erupted around me. I was smothered with hugs and there wasn’t a dry eye to be seen since all of my co-workers knew what had just happened. I quickly called Aaron. You’re a Daddy. Your son was born last night." My husband is rarely speechless but at this life-changing news, he was. At the time I was working at an orthopaedic office that was right across the street from St. Mary’s Hospital, the very hospital that our new baby son was in. I so badly wanted to see him but couldn’t per the arrangement we had made. We had decided that this would be Abby’s time with the baby. We would have him the rest of our lives, she would have him for three days.

Even though our son had been born, we were very cautious. He wasn’t ours yet. Not until we could hold him in our arms did we dare hold him in our hearts. Abby could still change her mind within those three days. We didn’t even share the