Back To Sovietsky

By Michael D'Agostino and Danny D'Agostino

   "Bring us your tired, your poor, your huddled masses, yearning to be free," but don't bring us Vladimir Ruska!  But that's just what happened.  Yes, Vladimir Ruska, the Russian shiftless, corner cutter, came to America to achieve success.  But he couldn't even keep his janitor's job.  In less than a year, he got kicked out of the U.S for violating his visa, and for piling up thousands of dollars in unpaid traffic tickets.

   But that is just the start of the saga of Vladimir Ruska.  He may be lazy, but he is not stupid. So, he returned to his small, impoverished town in rural Russia, and led his relatives on a journey to a brilliant, new enterprise.  They started an unbelievably successful ripoff of McDonalds, called McRuskies.  It worked.  It allowed Vladimir the opportunity to move back to America, and this time, with an improved, new, positive attitude. Yes!  He ultimately became a successful model Russian immigrant in the USA.  And four years later, Vladimir and his entire family emigrated to the U.S.   Maybe they don't speak perfect English, but they have the determination to make it in America.  They end up running "Babushka's Chop House" in Brighton Beach, New York.  The story features all the flavor and fun of native Russians attempting to speak the English language. Here's an example, when Vladimir returns home to Gorzichistan:

 VLADIMIR:  "Oh yes, cameras everywhere in USA.  You go to bank.  They watch you.  You go to store, they watch you.  You buy gas for car, they watch you.  You dump ol' paint in river, they watch you . . . and put you in jail!"

BORIS:  "Who watching you?"

VLADIMIR:  "The 'E' 'P' 'P' 'A'."

YURI:  "Oh yeah, we hear dat on news.  You go to da outhouse and who is watching you?"

STASIK:  "The 'E' 'P' 'P' 'A'."

BABUSHKA:  "So we got KGB, FSB.  And America got 'E' 'P' 'P' 'A'.  Everyting same wherever you go.  No different.  Right Grandpa?"

   Grandpa, who worked in the Russian coal mines all his life, takes a deep breath and heaves up a resounding, gurgling persistent cough."

GRANDPA:  "Eeeh!  Ahhhh!  Ehhhgheghhheeee!

BABUSHKA:  ". . . See? . . . He say yes!"

• Language: English
• Publisher: Michael and Danny D'Agostino
• Release date: Jan 20, 2017
• ISBN: 9781386594062

Book preview

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OTHER COMEDY NOVELS BY

MICHAEL AND DANNY D'AGOSTINO

Robobro - Urban Warrior

Creatures

The Dollar Store Lady - Bad Blood!!

Lenny

Mister Mars (coming)

BACK TO SOVIETSKY

MICHAEL and DANNY D'AGOSTINO

Copyright 2017 by Michael and Danny D'Agostino

All rights reserved.  This book remains the copyrighted property of the authors, and may not be copied and/or redistributed to others for commercial or non-commercial purposes.  If you enjoyed reading this book, please encourage your friends to download their own copy from their favorite authorized retailer.  Thank you for reading this book and for your support.

Cover Art by Wayne Miller

CONTENTS

Chapter I

Chapter II

Chapter III

Chapter IV

Chapter V

Chapter VI

Epilogue

About Michael and Danny D'Agostino

NOTE:  All the Russian characters in the following story, except NIKOLAI, speak English with a Russian accent.  More than occasionally, words of the English language are intentionally misspelled to provide the flavor of the accent.

CHAPTER I

Standing in the wings of this magnificent, immense banquet hall in Brooklyn N.Y., are two Russian immigrants, VLADIMIR and his beautiful wife, SVETLANA, a classic Russian blond blessed with radiant looks.   

Both are petrified, feeling totally out of their element.  Why?  They have been in the USA for only a few years, and already they find themselves being honored by hundreds of distinguished New Yorkers, VIPs and officials of the various boroughs.  Vladimir is here today to receive a very special award from the City of New York, Brooklyn High School District, for being the Employee of the Year.  Who would have thought - a relatively recent immigrant receiving such an award?  It is the first time a janitor has received the award.  It's a notable achievement, indeed. 

If you asked the people of Gorzichistan, Vladimir's home village in Russia, many would not believe his success in America, especially YURI GOOZOFF, the village busy-buddy.  In Russia, Yuri responded after hearing of Vladimir's success:

YURI:  I don't believe it!  Dat guy did nuting for nobody in his whole life.  He's lazy! . . . too lazy to shovel coal to heat house.

SOPHIE: (standing next to Yuri)  Aaa!  What you talking?  Vladimir is smart.  He can fix anyting.  You jealous.

YURI:  You don't know what you saying!  Dat some bitch sold me a used TV, and it stop working one hour!  One hour!  And the knobs fall off!  Bum!  Idiot!"

SOPHIE:  Don't blame Vladimir.  You know Russian TVs' good for nuting.  Why you buy?  I say Vladimir deserve anyting he get.

BACK TO THE AWARDS CEREMONY:

The COMMISSIONER of the Brooklyn High School Association is at the podium.  With a beaming smile, he begins his address.

COMMISSIONER:  And now, it is my privilege and good fortune to give out the award for the 'Brooklyn High School Employee of the Year,' for doing a spectacular job of maintaining the cleanest, most well-scrubbed and polished school in all of Brooklyn.  We appreciate all his efforts.  The award this year goes to . . . Mr. Vladimir Ruska of Brooklyn Academy High School, K553!

Everyone cheers as Vladimir and Svetlana step from the wings and walk out on stage.  Vladimir is thirty-five, with a decidedly immigrant look.  He proudly wears an American flag lapel pin on his left side, near his heart.

As the Commissioner attaches the award pin with the Brooklyn school insignia to Vladimir's right lapel, Vladimir is overtaken with joy and excitement.  He approaches the podium, and nervously begins to express his heartfelt gratitude.

VLADIMIR:  . . . Tank you. . . . . My wife Svetlana, tanks you.  Tank you.  We tank you.

He kisses and hugs Svetlana as everyone claps.

APPROXIMATELY THREE YEARS EARLIER:

Vladimir is single, unattached and enjoying life as the new apprentice janitor of Brooklyn Academy H.S., K553.  He's been in the USA only eight months, and on the job for about 6 months. 

How does a Russian immigrant fresh off the boat, literally, find such a job, so quickly? - By luck, total luck. 

A fellow's car broke down right in the middle of Manhattan during the rush hour.  Vladimir rushed to help him get it started, and that person turned out to be a teacher at a high school in Brooklyn.  The teacher told Vladimir about an opening at his Brooklyn  school.  When Vladimir showed MR. HOBSON, the school Maintenance Engineer, his big ugly worn hands and explained that he knew how to operate a lathe, and repair almost anything, he was hired on the spot.  Truthfully, they needed a janitor to do the dirtiest of work, and Vladimir was eager to take the job.  But getting a job is one thing; performance, another.

Several months after being hired, things weren't working out to the satisfaction of the school Principal.  At the six months mark, the Principal decided he had enough.  The floors of the school were dirty and smudgy.  A small pile of tortilla chip debris sat embarrassingly right in front of the Principal's office entrance.  The locker rooms and pool area were a mess, like no one had bothered to clean them in weeks.  In the main hallway, someone left a bucket of dirty water and a mop, forcing the students to navigate around them - all too much for students and faculty to tolerate.

Through the Principal's office door window, the Principal is seen chewing out Mr. Hobson. . . . After experiencing a good raking-over, Hobson leaves the office feeling very frustrated.  Upon closing the door, the last sound heard is you-know-who, yelling.

PRINCIPAL:  . . . I want this school cleaned up!  ASAP!  No excuses!

Leaving the office and walking through the hallway unsettled, Mr. Hobson almost trips over the bucket and mop, intensifying his aggravation.

DEEP IN THE BOWELS OF THE BOILER ROOM, all is under control, in Vladimir's mind.  Off to the side of the main boiler room is Vladimir's special janitor room, his basement retreat.  He built himself a custom wood desk, complete with drawers for tools and a pedestal for his feet, and even moved in a nice leather second-hand couch for taking naps.  He's gone the extra mile by importing a big red pillow, made in Russia, with real duck feathers for his naps, and also equipped his hide-away with a mini used TV, a small refrigerator, and a PC.  Vladimir's got it all, including a cheap utility sink, filled with his stash of tortilla chips, Cheetos, and the like.  This comfy, cozy den is Vladimir's home away from home.

Dressed in his sloppy janitor's uniform, and wearing a Chicago Cubs hat and a smart watch, Vladimir is on the internet, on OKCupid, flirting with the ladies.  He's using a small Russian-to-English dictionary to help him translate and type.

VLADIMIR:  (talking as he types) Sweetie-pie . . . baby-cakes, dis is Vladimir, writing to you from my yat in the New York harber.  Did I tell you Vladimir loves your cha-chas?  We got to meet.  I take you out on my new yat.  Show you good time. . . .

After typing and stuffing down a mouthful of tortilla chips, he quickly clicks a sports application on his new smart watch and hears: 

SMART WATCH:  It's the last half of the 5th inning fans, and the Cubs are losing eight to nothing.  This will be the 4th loss in a row for the Cubs.

VLADIMIR:  Go Cubbies!  We got dis one.

Vladimir stuffs more chips into his mouth and continues.

VLADIMIR:  (talking and typing again)  . . . Honey-bug, tootsie-cakes.  Where have you been all my life?  Vladimir want to take you to nice Russian deli in Manhaton to eat real Russian dumplings.

Unknown to Vladimir, Mr. Hobson enters the room right behind him, and observes Vladimir talking with a female on the net. 

VLADIMIR:  (typing)  We go to best deli in all Manhaton.  Not kidding.

MR. HOBSON:  (sharply)  . . . Vladimir!

Vladimir panics, and hits the back key, quickly.

VLADIMIR:  Oh boss!  Ok boss, Vladimir searching for . . . for, extra boiler gauge for boiler! . . . This woman have cheap, good pressure gauge, for sale!  On Ebay!  Get good deal.

Vladimir smiles at Mr. Hobson.

MR. HOBSON: (angrily)  . . . Again!  On the internet!  Wasting time!  The boys locker room still isn't cleaned up.  The gym is a mess.  The pool is filthy!  You didn't clean it like I told you.  Vladimir, I'm the boss.  You have to do what I say, and you never do.  Do you understand? . . . This is the last straw!  I'm sorry, but I have to let you go. 

VLADIMIR:  Go where?

MR. HOBSON:  Where do you think? . . . You're fired!

VLADIMIR:  (quickly pleading)  But boss!  I clean gym now!  Make floor nice and shinny.  Vladimir do good job!  Give Vladimir a second chance!

MR. HOBSON:  I've given you four or five chances already!  But you just don't understand America.  You don' listen! . . . Sorry.  You're fired!  Take your pillow and your tools, and all your chips and leave . . . now.

VLADIMIR:  What about Vladimir's desk and couch?

MR.  HOBSON:  They stay.  You brought them in here.  They are now the property of the school. . . . Oh!

VLADIMIR:  . . . You change mind?

MR. HOBSON:  No.  We'll send your last check to your address.  I want you out of here by 3 o'clock.  Goodbye.

    VLADIMIR:  (stammering)  . . . I, I go clean pool now?

    MR. HOBSON:  Goodbye! . . . .

The following day, 7:30 a.m. sharp, Vladimir parked his junker of a car on Bond Street in Brooklyn and walked about a mile to 9 Bond Street, next to Mimi's Nails and Spa.  He is still wearing his Cub's hat.  He enters the building, determined as ever to recover from his set-back at the school.  He takes the elevator to the fifth floor, to the official Brooklyn Unemployment Office.  The place is mobbed with hundreds of desperately unemployed people, hoping to find a job.  One hour goes by, then two, until finally, Vladimir's name is called.  He finds himself in the small, sloppy office of MEARA COHEN, Employment Counselor #29.

VLADIMIR:  . . . Yes.  I engineer.  Machine Engineer.  BSS, Leningrad U.

     MEARA:  Machine engineer?

     VLADIMIR:  Yes.

     MEARA:  You mean, mechanical engineer?

     VLADIMIR:  Yes.  Dat too.

MEARA:  Do you have your resume, your curriculum vitae?

VLADIMIR:  What?  Please Ms. Americansky, get Vladimir job.  I engineer.  I fix anyting: boilers, bicycles, tractor.  You got Ipad?  I fix.

MEARA:  You speak Russian, right?

VLADIMIR:  Of course.

MEARA:  . . . Well, all I have right now is a job working as a dishwasher in a Russian restaurant, in the Village.  I would take it if I were you.  It's a start.

VLADIMIR:  (mad)  "No!  I no