Rehabilitated

By Valeria Tokoar

Rehabilitated is Valeria Tokoar’s raw account of growing up with insecurity and anxiety and with a personality that found it hard to resist temptation. Always looking for the easy way out, Valeria made one wrong decision after another until she found herself in a world of drugs, alcohol and even prostitution. In an abusive relationship, and with the threat of her son’s custody being taken away from her, she knew she had to change. But change was not easy. How did she even become a person like this? And how was she going to sober up? Would she be able to resist a world of mental oblivion that was always calling her back? Is it really possible to get one’s life on track if you’re so far gone?

Rehabilitated is the story of how Valeria Tokoar managed to do just that. It’s a tale of love and loss, of family ties and of hope and faith in the face of everything.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Austin Macauley
• Release date: Apr 25, 2018

Valeria Tokoar

Valeria Tokoar has never seen herself as a writer until recent events have taken place in her life. This has now given her an opportunity to give back and help people that have been gone through or going through similar events in life. This is her story of events that led her up to the choices and decisions that she made in her life and the amazing turn around that has happened by the strength of God. She has been involved in road and driveway campaigns which is very close to her heart. Her story has been a part of the campaigns which have told her story and journey of her life through 60 Minutes seven sharp, and has been printed in woman’s weekly and women’s day to help raise awareness of being mindful when behind the wheel of a vehicle. Valeria is still and will always be on the path of recovery and embracing the gift of life.

Book preview

Valeria Tokoar has never seen herself as a writer until recent events have taken place in her life. This has now given her an opportunity to give back and help people that have gone through or going through similar events in life. This is her story of events that led her up to the choices and decisions that she made in her life and the amazing turn around that has happened by the strength of God. She has been involved in road and driveway campaigns which is very close to her heart. Her story has been a part of the campaigns which have told her story and journey of her life through 60 Minutes seven sharp, and has been printed in woman’s weekly and women’s day to help raise awareness of being mindful when behind the wheel of a vehicle.

Valeria is still and will always be on the path of recovery and embracing the gift of life.

Dedication

I would like to dedicate this book to God, my family, my son and to the memory of my son who is up in Heaven Tyreese.

To Maryanne and her family for supporting me in my time of need. Life change also known as Celebrate Recovery for the amount of growth I have been able to accomplish through this programme and to the church.

To media and campaign groups that have helped in support of my story coming out and everybody that has supported me through my transitions in life.

Valeria Tokoar

Rehabilitated

Total turnaround from drug addiction

Copyright © Valeria Tokoar (2018)

The right of Valeria Tokoar to be identified as author of this work has been asserted by her in accordance with section 77 and 78 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the prior permission of the publishers.

Any person who commits any unauthorised act in relation to this publication may be liable to criminal prosecution and civil claims for damages.

A CIP catalogue record for this title is available from the British Library.

ISBN 9781787100237 (Paperback)

ISBN 9781787100244 (Hardback)

ISBN 9781787100251 (E-Book)

www.austinmacauley.com

First Published (2018)

Austin Macauley Publishers Ltd™

25 Canada Square

Canary Wharf

London

E14 5LQ

Introduction

My name is Valeria Elisabeth Tokoar. I am twenty-eight years old and this is my story about the hurts, hang ups and habits that I have endured in my life and the road that my decisions led me down. My intentions in sharing my story with you are to bring hope and inspiration to realise that anything is possible for those that are in the same situation. My story is not all about becoming a drug addict and the dumb choices that I had made but rather the problems I faced in life, the decisions I made and the consequences that led me to a life of drugs and prostitution and how I was saved from that treacherous life style I had gotten myself into.

I often think about how I became the person I was and why I turned to drugs. Meth is known to be one of the most addictive substances and hardest drugs to give up.

The scene of drugs, drinking and partying seems to be very inviting when you are in immense emotional pain, but unfortunately, I found out the hard way that this type of lifestyle leads to a very destructive path which is very hard to get off. What I saw was the fun everyone around me seemed to have, the lack of responsibilities and how they did whatever they wanted whenever they wanted – that is what drew me in like a force that I could not reckon with.

The hunger that creeps up and feels like a physiological need like air is the feeling that this substance gave me. It was like no other feeling I have ever had before in my life, but when I had it, it was never satisfying. The hunt for more was always on my mind. I would not have admitted it back then as I was in denial and did not want to face reality, so I kept my need for this drug inside myself and tried not to let anyone know what was going on or how I was feeling. I continued to search for the feeling I got when I was first introduced to this drug, but the amount of drugs I had was never enough and left me always wanting more, or to my way of thinking back then: ‘needing’ more.

I have been through a fair share of obstacles in my life that I didn’t know how to deal with so I would pretend everything was okay and try to continue with life as normal. I will talk about different situations and choices I made later in the book but I will start by sharing a bit about myself now that I have had time to reminisce on my past.

I grew up with great parents that supported me fully and tried to make me feel good about myself. They encouraged me to do my best and believe that my best was good enough. I grew up in a Christian home where we went to church every Sunday, said prayers every night and I was given lots of love. For some reason, ever since I was little I have never felt good enough; I felt like I was nerdy and that I had to try really hard to fit in anywhere. What do you do when you don’t feel good enough? My solution was to try to be like everybody else: I would try to talk like them, walk like them and even dress like them. As I got older, this continued and my self-esteem never improved. It was hard always trying to be someone else or to imitate how the cool kids were. Low self-esteem is where delusions can derive from, and this became my reality even before drugs. I came up with scenes in my head to make me feel better about myself; it was nothing extreme, just stories that would make me feel like I was important.

As life continued, I was hit with the worst pain you could ever think of and it happened so unexpectedly. I was definitely not ready for it. My youngest son was having fun playing with family one evening. I went to get his pyjamas from the bedroom when I heard a huge scream. I came running out to see what had happened just as his father flew past me. He was running back inside carrying my unconscious son. It is a sight I will never forget. My son sustained a massive head injury from his accident. Trying to survive after my son’s death became too tough to handle. The spark for life had been put out and I became disconnected from everyone. My emotions were hardened; I found it very hard to be empathetic or sympathetic to anyone’s feelings and didn’t really care too much about anyone or anything.

Not long after splitting with my youngest son’s father for the final time, I caught up with an old friend and I started seeing her a lot. One evening, she introduced me to her flat mate who I