Grammar Without Tears

By Tabitha Ormiston-Smith

Historical and fictional characters explain common grammatical errors in a funny-as-hell book that will forever change the way you see grammar.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Tabitha Ormiston-Smith
• Release date: Apr 21, 2018
• ISBN: 9781370911943

Tabitha Ormiston-Smith

Tabitha Ormiston-Smith was born and continues to age. Dividing her time between her houses in Melbourne and the country, she is ably assisted in her editing business and her other endeavours by Ferret, the three-legged bandit.

Book preview

The first edition of this book was very small, and just for fun, and I had intended to leave it at that. But over and over, the feedback I’ve received has urged me to expand it. Therefore, this new edition, which although it still does not purport to cover the vast field of grammatical errors, will, I hope, satisfy all those people who said their only criticism was that it did not cover enough.

Because of the format of the book, it is not possible to cover the entire field of English Grammar, even did I wish to do so. As it is, the reader is asked to suspend his disbelief to the extent of pretending that homophones such as ‘your’ and ‘you’re’ can be differentiated when spoken, a thing that is necessarily not the case (otherwise they wouldn’t be homophones).

This is not, nor does it aim to be, a teaching text. If you are teaching English, and you only want to set one book for your class, this should not be the one. Its use is more as a companion, as a handy reference, and above all, as fun.

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VERBS

PERFECT TENSE

SCENE: a garden. BETTY is seated under a tree. Enter JOHN.

J: I say, Betty, there are fairies at the bottom of our garden. I seen one this morning.

B: You mean you SAW one, John. We only say SEEN when we say, ‘I have seen’ or ‘I was seen’, and things like that. So, what was it like?

J: It had wings like a bat, and sharp teeth. It was eating a dead rat. I reckon it come up out of the drain.

B: You mean it CAME up out of the drain. We only say COME when it’s like, ‘he will come’, or ‘it has come’, and so on. Did the fairy say anything?

J: Naah. It kind of spat at me, and I done my block and chucked a rock at it. It scuttled off down the drain.

B: Really, John. If Mumsie could hear you she would be frightfully cross. You mustn’t say ‘I DONE’. You must say ‘I DID’. You can only say, ‘I HAVE DONE’, ‘IT WAS DONE’, and things like that. You know, John, I think that was a Bad Fairy. I don’t think the Good Fairies will let you see them until you clean up your grammar.

EXIT

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SPLIT INFINITIVES

SCENE: It is the eve of battle. CHARLEMAGNE and ROLAND are in their tent, drinking.

C: I just can’t wait for tomorrow’s battle. We are going to totally destroy the enemy.

R: Oh, Charlie! You mustn’t say things like that.

C: Why not? They’re the enemy, aren't they? So we have to absolutely kill the lot of them, and enslave those we don’t kill, right?

R: I mean you mustn’t say things like ‘to totally destroy’, and ‘to absolutely kill’. Those are SPLIT INFINITIVES, and very bad form, especially for a king.

C: what do you mean, Roly?

R: Well, the infinitive form of a verb is, to destroy, to skip, like that. If you put anything in between the ‘to’ and the rest, you’re splitting the infinitive, see? And since the infinitive is the verb itself, that’s not correct grammar. It would be more elegant to say ‘totally to destroy’, or even to rearrange the sentence entirely. We will totally destroy the enemy, something like that.

C: Oh, I see. I dont know what came over me. I must be nervous.

R: Dont worry, what can go wrong? If the bad guys start to get the upper hand, I’ll blow my horn and you’ll come running with reinforcements, right?

C: Right. Just don’t forget to actually blow it.

R: Oh! You did it again!

C: Oops! I mean to say, don’t forget actually to blow it.

EXEUNT, laughing.

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COMPRISED

Scene: a vast, gloomy kitchen. CINDERELLA sits among the ashes, sadly contemplating a small, smoky fire.

Enter the FAIRY GODMOTHER.

FG: Come on, Ella, get up, stop moping, it’s time to go to the ball.

C: It’s no use, Fairy Godmother. I’ve got far too much work to get through. Wicked Stepmother will beat me again if it’s not all done by morning. I’ll be up all night as it is.

FG: Now, now, let’s not have that defeatist attitude. What has to be done, exactly?

C: Well, the day’s work is comprised of three tasks: I have to pick all these pease out of the grate, then I have to pluck and stuff forty-seven larks for the dinner party tomorrow, and then–

FG: Stop! Stop right there! You’ll never get the prince that way.

C: Well, that’s what I’m saying. By the time I’ve got all the pease out–

FG: No, no, no, silly girl. You said ‘comprised of’.

C: Yes, it’s comprised of three–

FG: Stop it! Stop it! Oh, my ears!

C: Why, I’m very sorry, Fairy Godmother. But what did I–

FG: Listen to me, Ella. You just listen. ‘Comprise’ cannot be used in that way. To comprise things is to include them and nothing else. You wouldn’t say ‘the day’s work is included of three tasks’, would you, silly girl? You would say that it included three tasks, although that doesn’t quite have the same meaning, as it might include three tasks and other things as well, but you get the idea, don’t you?

C: Well, not really.

FG: Well, look. I see you’re wearing some threadbare rags and a piece of string. We’ll have to do something about that, by the way. Are you wearing anything else?

C: Well, no–

FG: Then your outfit COMPRISES some threadbare rags and a piece of string. It makes no sense to say a thing is comprised.

C: Why not? You said it meant the same as include. You can say things are included. Like, when Wicked Stepmother and the Ugly Stepsisters left for the ball, I was not included. Anyway, I’d love to chat, but I’ve to get on with peeling these turnips.

FG: Bah! Never mind that now. If your outfit COMPRISES some threadbare rags and a piece of string, then that’s all you are wearing. If, on the other hand, it INCLUDES some threadbare rags and a piece of string, then you are, or might be, wearing other things as well.

C: Like undies? Silk undies with little daisies on?

FG: Well, yes, or–

C: Or a Chanel bag?

FG: Possibly, but–

C (voice hushed with reverence): Or a pair of Miu Miu wedges?

FG: Enough of this, silly child. You might be wearing anything at all as well as the rags and string, is that clear?

C (sulkily): yes.

FG: So you are wearing rags, string, and some other things.

C: No, I’m not.

FG: In our example, you are. Undies with little daisies and a pair of… moo moo things.

C: Well, go on then.

FG: Your outfit includes rags and string, but it COMPRISES rags, string, undies and moomoos.

C: MIU MIU.

FG: Let the cat out, dear. You don’t want another mess on the hearthrug. Anyway, do you understand what COMPRISES means now?

C: Whatever. Well go on, then, wave your fairy godmother wand and make it happen.

FG: Make what happen?

C: The undies with little daisies and the Miu Miu wedges. And the bag, don’t forget the Chanel bag. I like the kind that–

FG: In a minute. Do you understand about COMPRISE now? It’s from the Latin. Com, with, and prehensus, taken. Taken with.

C (rolling her eyes): Sure.

FG: So when a thing has a number of parts, it COMPRISES those parts. It is not COMPRISED OF them.

C: Aren’t the parts comprised? If something comprises them?

FG: I suppose so, but that’s not the sense in which the word is generally used. People usually say a thing is included in a group of things.

C: Like I’m going to be included in the ball, right? I mean, like, I love you and everything, Fairy Godmother, but it’s kinda getting on, you know? Um… dress? Shoes? Little daisies?

FG: Okay, okay. I can see I won’t get any sense out of you until you’ve got your prince.

She waves her wand and disappears, leaving CINDERELLA adorned in a fabulously gorgeous ball gown, with hair, makeup etc.

C: Fairy Godmother? Come back! These aren’t Miu Miu….

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ADVERBS

BAD/BADLY

SCENE: The road to London.

ENTER DICK WHITTINGTON and A CAT. Both are dusty and footsore.

DW: Oh God, I am so busting for a pee. How far is it to the next service station, Cat?

TC: How can I know these things, I’m a cat. Ooo look, a sparrow!

He dashes off.

DW: Wait! Come back! Oh God, I need to pee so bad.

The cat returns, with a few feathers sticking out of his mouth.

TC: SSSSSSSSSS! Rrrowrr!

DW: What ssss? What rrowrr? What?

The cat gives him an old-fashioned look.

DW: WHAT?

TC: It is what you said. If there’s one thing cats cannot abide, it is bad language.

DW: Oh,