The Xmas Factor
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About this ebook
* Some facts may not be entirely true.
** Like this one. There are no Brussels sprouts included with this book. Sorry.
Jonathan Meres
Jonathan Meres spent several years in the merchant navy before becoming an ice cream salesman. He was a stand-up comedian for ten years, winning a Time Out magazine award for comedy and being nominated for The Perrier Award. He is now a full time children's writer and actor. He has written for Random House, Piccadilly, Barrington Stoke, Macmillan and Orchard.
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Book preview
The Xmas Factor - Jonathan Meres
Singalongachristmas
Jingle bells
Various smells
Make me want to heave
Dinner’s started, Grandma’s farted
Think it’s time to leave.
Christmas is coming, the goose is on a diet
If someone touches my mince pies there’s gonna be a riot.
Christmas is coming, the goose is getting thinner
If there’s a prize for eating pies there’ll only be one winner.
Christmas is coming, the goose has disappeared
But so it seems have all the pies – how very, very weird.
PIE NEWS
We’re getting reports that Santa Claus is coming to town. Members of the public have been advised that they’d better watch out and that they’d better not cry. Not only is Santa making a list, he’s checking it twice in order to find out just who’s naughty and who’s nice. A spokesman for the town claims that not only does Santa know when you’re sleeping, he also knows when you’re awake, and that it’s therefore in everybody’s best interests to be good for goodness