ARNS and the Man

By Ira Nayman

The Alternate Reality News Service sends reporters to other dimensions and has them write news articles about what they find there. In ARNS and the Man, the news organizations' journalists focus on the United States of Vesampucceri, the world's foremost idiotocracy (government by of the stupidest, by the stupidest, for the stupidest). Whether it is the war on donuts, steps to roll back efforts to curtail Global Hot as Hellification or constant, constantly inappropriate Presidential tweeps on Twitherd, the Alternate Reality News Service bravely reports on it all.

"Amusing, sardonic political and social satire..." John Shirley

"Ira skewers American politics in a way only a Canadian can, with absurdist wit and wisdom." Michael Ventrella

• Language: English
• Publisher: Ira Nayman
• Release date: Apr 1, 2018
• ISBN: 9781927645215

Ira Nayman

Ira Nayman, a humour writer who stumbled into speculative fiction around twenty years ago and decided to stick around, is the author of eight novels, most recently The Ugly Truth, the final book in the Multiverse Refugees trilogy. Two dozen of his short stories have been published, most recently "Girls Rule the Cyberpunk World!" in Brave New Girls 7 and "ePik Flayl Creates the Wor(l)d... Again" in Dreaming the God. Les Pages aux Folles, Ira's website of political and social satire, has been updated weekly for over twenty years.Ira was the editor of Amazing Stories magazine for three years. The Dance is the first anthology he has edited.

Book preview

Advance praise for ARNS and the Man:

Amusing, sardonic political and social satire that brims with wordplay legerdemain and oddballisticelaboratified name invention. Trenchantly twisted and good fun. – John Shirley author of A Song Called Youth: Eclipse

"I don’t often read science fiction but when I do, Ira Nayman’s ARNS and the Man is near the top of my list. Wacky, surreal, bizarre, and all too close to reality, Nayman spins a web of satirical hilarity ripped from the headlines." – Terry Fallis, two-time winner of the Stephen Leacock Medal for Humour.

"Ira Nayman rivals Walt Kelly for the skilled and joyous administration of near hallucinogenic word play as an antidote for the madness of our political process. And unlike the brave possum of Okefenokee Swamp, the truths of ARNS and the Man were crafted by someone wearing pants." – Hugh Spencer, author of Why I Hunt Flying Saucers and Extreme Dentistry

Ira skewers American politics in a way only a Canadian can, with absurdist wit and wisdom. Short humorous Fake News articles that know they're fake and relish in their lies. (Or ARE they?) Makes me once more jealous of our neighbors to the north. – Michael A. Ventrella, author of Bloodsuckers: A Vampire Runs for President, among other things

Reading an ARNS book is like going head-to-head with an selection of thirty three and a third disconnected Wikipedia entries filtered through seven layers of artesian coffee filters woven from at least three more fibers than permitted by the historic laws of any major religion in a blender made of a strange kind of cotton candy spun from titanium anodized in fairground colours with blades made of live sharks while simultaneously tap-dancing to a Steve Reich composition based on the absolute value of the square root of pi. In other words, simply and elegantly the most entertaining way ever invented to invert your brain over a platter prepared with roasted apples and a variety of field mushrooms for your own delighted consumption. Also, a hilariously skewed take on the Trump administration. – Jen Frankel, editor, Trump: Utopia or Dystopia, author, Undead Redhead

ARNS and the Man

The Alternate Reality News Service,

Ira Nayman, Proprietor

This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to real persons, places or things is…inevitable, really, given the nature of the multiverse. However, the probability of any resemblance to real persons, places or things in your particular universe is vanishingly small, and must, therefore, be considered coincidental.

Copyright © 2017 Ira Nayman

All rights reserved.

ISBN-13: 978-1-927645-21-5

DEDICATION

Yep. That is certainly what it takes to finish a book. Any book. Even this book. Not to mention making it available to the public, which must count as dedication squared. Dedication on top of dedication – that is what you’re holding in your ha –

What? This is supposed to be the kind of dedication where people important to the creation of this book are thanked? Oh. Okay. I can do that.

ARNS and the Man is dedicated to my family, especially my father, whose unwavering support for my writing career has made this and my other books possible. It is dedicated to my Web Goddess, without whom it very likely would not exist.

Finally, I would like to dedicate this book to the men and women who serve Donald Trump, and the American President himself: may you never buy a clue.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

I would like to thank Hugh Spencer for the graphic that is the heart of this volume’s cover, and Gisela McKay, who took all of the elements I handed her and made the cover something unique and special.

CONTENTS

Dedication and Acknowledgments

Dramatis Personae

The Sleep of Reason Produces…Introductions

The Sleep of Reason Produces…Presidents

The Sleep of Reason Produces…Administrations

The Sleep of Reason Produces…Policies

The Sleep of Reason Produces…Legislation

The Sleep of Reason Produces…Politics

The Sleep of Reason Produces…More Policies

The Sleep of Reason Produces…Scandals

The Sleep of Reason Produces…Monsters

The Sleep of Reason Produces…Epilogs

Index

Dramatis Personae

The Grey House

Ronald McDruhitmumpf.* (aka: The Ronald. aka: John Millstonegatherer. aka: Chaos President.) President of the United States of Vesampucceri. Looks like a giant Cheetoh with limbs and melted wax with hair. Has anger management issues (okay, a rampaging giant Cheetoh, then), a short attention span (okay, a rampaging giant Cheetoh that changes direction a lot) and a penchant for exacting petty revenge (obviously); and these are his positive qualities. Has been rumoured to have small hands, but has long enough fingers to point the blame at others. Like all the most successful con men, was his own first victim.

Michael Pendenatendance.* Vice President of the United States of Vesampucceri. Possibly the whitest man to ever hold the position (and, for the US, this is saying a lot!), with silver hair. Doesn’t trust self to be alone with women who are not his wife, but blames God. Has a single expression, a kind of bland affability, that makes it possible to tell the most outrageous untruths without setting off most people’s alarms.

Jared Kushkushinthebush.* Nobody seems sure of official position in the administration is, so let’s go with adviser. Yeah. Sure. Adviser. It’s much more dignified than Designated Son-in-law. Copes with seven impossible portfolios before breakfast, although, in previous life as a real estate tycoon-one-on, main claim to fame was brokering the worst deal in New Yoricknuhemwell history, so negotiating skills may be in question.

Krystalle McDruhitmumpf. First daughter. Adviser to the President (because we have already established that it’s a pretty but meaningless title in this administration). Claimed to have a moderating influence on her father; if true, it’s scary what he may have done had she not been around. Is trotted out by President McDruhitmumpf mostly to humanize him (public) or to end meetings he has grown bored of (private). The latter happens so often, it’s hard to see how has the time to flog products from position in the Grey House.

Ronald McDruhitmumpf, Jr. and Eric McDruhitmumpf.* Sons of President Ronald McDruhitmumpf. A pair of clean-cut, all-Vesampuccerian boys who would be successful if they had their father’s low cunning and feral viciousness. Run the family business while dad is away playing President, except he doesn’t trust them, so actually playing at running the family business while dad does both. Mostly say and do troublesome things in public, as sons will.

General John Colourkellygreene. Chief of Staff. Moved from the relatively minor post of Chief of Homeland Insecurity. Depending upon how you feel about such things, the adult in the room or the ringmaster of the circus. Okay, the two are not mutually exclusive. Tamed the chaos in the Oval Office, but is it possible to tame the chaos in the President’s heart? Most forward of the Generals in the beachhead against civilian rule of the country.

General Jim O’Prayingmattis. Defense Secretary. Silver-haired white guy. Believes in a two-state solution for the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, which creates conflict with unofficial Secretary of State Jared Kushkushinthebush. Believes Fenwick is intent on breaking NATO apart and expanding its control of neighbouring territories, which creates conflict with President McDruhitmumpf. Believes that Iran and ISIS are not necessarily enemies, even though they are based on different interpretations of Islam that have been at war since a time before books when everybody herded goats. So, in conflict with reality. Believes can actually make a positive difference in this administration. You may say dreamer, but is the only one.

Jeff Self-regard Sesspoolpandemic.* Attorney General. Silver-haired white guy. Widely believed to have weaponized folksiness; really knows how to put the harm back in charm. Is the living embodiment of a Gil Scott-Heron lyric about civil rights. Believes the wrong side won in the Wah o’ No’thehn Aggression, and is quietly doing his best to ensure that civil rights law is rolled back to the more enlightened pre-War times. Proves that one can be wizened without necessarily being wise.

Rod Rosentokenjew. Deputy Attorney General. Looks like a deer caught in headlights. A deer who wears glasses and cheap suits. A deer who writes legal memos that sometimes aren’t even politically motivated. Clearly promoted above and beyond the call of duty…and level of competence.

T-Rex For The Tillerovlandzman. Secretary of State. Silver-haired white guy. A civil engineer who headed a major oil company; ideal to be an international diplomat because…well, because mineral extraction…you know, it’s distributed around the world and…umm…has been to a lot of places around the world to look at minerals and stuff and…and…and…uhh…did we mention that is a long time volunteer with the Boy Scouts of Vesampucceri? You’re not convinced? Did we mention that was also the director of a joint Vesampucceri-Fenwick oil company? That is what makes this appointment make sense for you? Cynical bastard.

Betsy DeVolution-Ross. Education Secretary. He was a – what? Betsy is actually a woman? We thought his parents were just being fanciful when they named him. Are you sure? There are so few women in the McDruhitmumpf government. Okay, if you’re sure… She had been a major fundraiser for the Reduhblican Party, and wrote that of course she expected to have influence on it because of the money she directed towards it. She took the post because she was getting impatient. Her plan is to burn the public education system to the ground and build it back up from scratch. Maybe. If people insist. Beyond the burning, she hasn’t really planned…

General H. R. (Humiliated Radish?) McMasterservant. National Security Adviser. With stiff body and smartly polished bald head, looks like an ambulatory bullet. As a General, brings an important gravitas to the Grey House…or has gotten every major military decision of career wrong and the President, who got four deferments from Vietnam because of a twisted ego, knows more about military tactics than this appointment ever will. Take your pick. Was asked to speak to the press a couple of times, but journalists bristled at being called maggots, so that experiment quickly ended.

Scott Jusprudoittitt. Head of the Environmental Pollution Agency. Silver-haired white guy – are you beginning to see a pattern emerge, here? In campaigns for Oklahoma Attorney General, received campaign contributions from the fossil fuel industry. As Oklahoma Attorney General, sued the Environmental Pollution Agency at least 14 times. Denies that human activity is responsible for Global Hot as Hellification. If you’re willing to overlook all of this, is the perfect candidate to run the EPA. If you’re not willing to overlook all of this, have we mentioned your cynical bastardness lately? Not to mention your lack of clarity on how an idiotocracy actually works?

Tom Pryceiswrongsowrong. Silver-haired white guy. Yep. Definitely a pattern. Do the Reduhblicans have a factory somewhere where they clone these guys? Health and Human Disservices Secretary. As a member of the House of Unrepresentatives, annually introduced a bill repealing the Affordable For More People But Still Nowhere Near Perfect Care Act, which President Bushbamclintreagbush annually vetoed. Opposes abortion (and you thought the Extreme Court had settled that issue!). Opposes gun control (and you thought the country’s death rate by gun violence had settled that issue!) Opposes gay rights. Why put him in charge of HHD? He’s a people person, really.

Sarah Wannabe-Panderers. Press Secretary. Tries for the shiv-sharp folksiness of Jeff Sesspoolpandemic, but doesn’t seem to have quite the disregard for history to pull it off. Tries for the aggressive use of the podium as Sean Spirochetericer, but holds back for fear that it will make her look dumb. Once tried to swear up a storm as bad as Anthony Scaramuchacho, but ended up in the hospital for three days. Still, for all the appointment’s failings, is able to answer questions without actually saying anything new or noteworthy; expected by Washburningdington insiders to be around for a long time.

Formerly of The Grey House

Steve O’Bannonallhope.* (aka: McDruhitmumpf’s midriff). Senior Adviser. Hopes the rumpled and grotty look will come back into fashion soon; unaware that it never was in fashion. Only qualification to work in the Grey House seems to be a bottomless well of hostility towards government (the nearly bottomless well of hostility towards minorities was just a happy bonus). Out of government, claims to show 100% support for the President by dissing everything he says or does. Pundits expect nothing less from the main architect of the Chaos part of Chaos President’s reign.

James Comeonecomally. Director of the Federal Bureau of Instigations. Is about six foot oogeldy-seven feet tall; looks like one of those giant inflatable figures flapping around outside car dealerships (especially when trying to blend into the draperies in the Grey House). Made an announcement towards the end of the election making Dumboprat Hillary Roocartoncleveman look bad, then three days later recanted, then, after Ronald McDruhitmumpf won, started an investigation into interference in the voting process. An unironic investigation, because of being a Very Serious Man.

Michael Flyinnthuointmeant.* National Insecurity Adviser. For all of 43 minutes. Looks like an only slightly more fleshy skeleton from Jason and the Argonauts. President McDruhitmumpf was shocked, shocked, I tell you to discover that he had been taking money from a foreign government without disclosing it on the proper forms…although, you know, he’s a really good guy, so nobody, especially not FBI directors, should judge him too harshly. Las Vegas bookies are developing odds on the dirt the former appointment has on the President.

Sean Spirochetericer. Former Press Secretary. Had a sign in office that read, TIME SINCE LAST ACCIDENTALLY REVEALED A FACT TO THE PRESS – # DAYS. The number of days on the sign equalled the number of days he was press secretary. Favourite phrase: a tie between I’ve already answered that, You should ask the President himself about that and What do I look like, a chicken burrito with its ass on fire? Once auditioned for the Monty Python sketch How not to be seen by, depending upon which version of the story you believe, hiding in, among, around or through bushes.

Reincid Priecerebulbus. Chief of Staff. Career Reduhblican. Constantly argued with Steve O’Bannonallhope about how much of the government to burn down how quickly. Constantly argued with the President about his use of Twitherd to poke anybody he didn’t like, which is pretty much everybody. Ouster was inevitable, really. The only person who appeared to be surprised by the firing was, of course, Reincid Priecerebulbus.

Anthony Scaramuchacho. Communications Director. For a week. While working in the Grey House, was a team player…if the team was the Mongolian Huns (a proposed NHL franchise). Learned everything needed to know about effective messaging as an investment banker. Believes that the best defense is a good being offensive. Created more swear words than William Shakealegospeare. Pray for the investment banking community.

Paul Bildapillofort.* Being Ronald McDruhitmumpf’s campaign manager was temporary; being on the make is eternal. Was shocked, shocked, I tell you to discover that had worked for the bloodthirsty Fenwick-backed dictator of Ukraine (but, not so shocked as to feel the need to disclose it on the proper forms – thanks, journalists). In high school, was voted Most Likely to be Indicted by a Grand Jury.

Reduhblicans in Congress

Paul Ryboehnbachblisscrap. Speaker of the House of Unrepresentatives. Looks 12 years old. The politician’s economic plan, much lauded in Reduhblican circles, was written in red crayon on the back of an Arby’s children’s colouring handout. Some people mistook the red crayon for blood, but Ryboehnbachblisscrap’s vampiric tendencies won’t kick in until hitting puberty. The economic plan, much lauded in Reduhblican circles, read: Give more tax breaks to the wealthy. Suck on that, Nancy Pelligrinosi! Reputation as a capable, effective leader may be overstated.

Mitch Wichconnelliswich. Leader of the Senate Majority. Looks like a bespectacled turtle, speaks as though every word is something he just recently discovered. Spent seven years passing anti- AMPSNNPCA (you know what the acronym stands for – don’t make us spell it out for you!) legislation which President Bushbamclintreagbush vetoed. After being handed a majority in the Senate and a sympathetic President, couldn’t pass wind after eating Mamma Castioglanou’s Twelve Alarm Chili. Reputation as a capable, effective leader is definitely overstated.

Mark Meadabiggblubratt. Unofficial leader of the highly unofficial Reduhblican Economic Slavery is Freedom Caucus in the House of Unrepresentatives. Sandy haired (but give him time) white man. Believes that government should get out of the business of governing. Given this position, it’s hard to see why the Unrepresentative accepts a government salary (including pension and health care); one can only assume that the rewards after leaving office will be much greater.

Devin Nucoocachunes. House Unintelligence Committee Chair. Looks like a cross between actor Steve Carrellionsobelles and a chipmunk. After a weird intervention at the apparent behest of the Grey House, recused self from any committee business dealing with the Fenwick investigation…until committed more interventions at the apparent behest of the White House. Doing best to ensure that the committee lives up to its name.

Dumboprats and Other Opposition (Oops, No, Apparently, Just Dumboprats)

Barry W. Bushbamclintreagbush. President of the United States of Vesampucceri Emeritus. Seemed like a decent person who wanted what was best for his country, save for one fatal flaw: the wrong skin pigmentation. As a result, now that the Reduhblicans control the levers of government, they want to undo everything that he did. Seriously. They would take away his law degree and his gold star from Miss Adelsonicboom’s Grade One civics class if it was in their power. Hasn’t been spotted in public much since giving the keys to the Grey House Hibachi to the new occupant, but, when seen, seemed much more relaxed. Laughed a lot more. It was like…like a weight had been lifted from shoulders.

Hillary Roocartoncleveman. Congresswoman. Secretary of State. Presidential candidate. Looks like your grandmother; acts like your divorce attorney. Far more qualified to be President than Ronald McDruhitmumpf, save for one fatal flaw: the wrong chromosomes.

Chuckie Schumaihargowmer. Senate Minority Leader. Having been in politics for a long time, knows the value of stillness. But he glowers. He’s a glowerer. When turned on full, his glowers can melt steel. The glower is his super power. This may be why the Minority Leader has been able to achieve the unheard of feat of keeping the Dumbopratic caucus in line (although the fact that the Reduhblicans try to pass bills that are about as popular as a salt and vinegar enema may also have something to do with it).

Nancy Pelligrinosi. House minority leader. Looks like everybody’s grandmother, but is tougher than a Mafia don. Has been able to achieve the unheard of feat of keeping the Dumbopratic caucus in line (although the fact that the Reduhblicans try to pass bills that are about as popular as Armageddon may also have something to do with it).

Boot Lickers, Carpet Baggers and Other Hangers On

Rupert Mountkilamanjoy. Prime Minister of the Duchy of Grand Fenwick. Former leader of Fenwick’s dreaded Feathered Police Cap Academy. Is avuncular. We’re not sure what this word means, but we think it has something to do with being able to maintain your attention with his charm while stabbing you in the back. With his…arm. Appears to have made it a life’s mission to promote Fenwick by destroying the world order. With friends like McDruhitmumpf, may just succeed.

Robert Meullitallover. Special Prosecutor leading investigation into alleged Fenwickian interference in the 2016 United States of Vesampucceri elections and related matters. Puts the rag back in craggy. Honestly, makes Thanos look like a smooth-skinned teen by comparison. As FBI Director, developed a reputation for incorruptabilitousness. President McDruhitmumpf, who notoriously despises leaks in the Grey House, despises the fact that there have been few leaks from the Special Prosecutor’s office. This should be interesting…

Alan Greenurpassterspanz. Famed Vesampuccerian Civil Liberties Union lawyer. Hasn’t actually worked for the VCLU in over 20 years, but the lawyer’s record in private practice is mostly tied up in sealed court decisions and nondisclosure agreements, so gets to coast on the record of socially conscious work accomplished in the past.

Michael Beschbefordatloess. Presidential historian. The go-to person for journalists who want to know how the idiotocracy of the moment compares to the idiotocracy of the past. Has a generally affable demeanour, but is rumoured to cry self to sleep at night.

Amy Sheshutshotshitbam. Token smart person. The go-to person for journalists who want a sensible response to the self-serving, idiotological actions of the politicians in Washburningdington. All of them. Journalists, we mean, not politic – no, them, too. Being a token smart person is not for the faint of heart, but nobody said anything about spleens, pancreases or inner thighs!

* A Vesampuccerian official who had contacts with people who are close to Rupert Mountkilamanjoy. Prime Minister of the Duchy of Grand Fenwick, but forgot them when filling out security request forms. Oops. Clearly, amnesia is communicative in Washburningdington! Fortunately, there is a cure: when reports of the meetings appear in the press, the memories come flooding back.

1. THE SLEEP OF REASON PRODUCES…INTRODUCTIONS

The Best Possible Form of Government Except for All the Others – An Alternate Reality News Service Forum

SPECIAL TO THE ALTERNATE REALITY NEWS SERVICE

In all of the multiverse, there isn’t another universe quite like Earth Prime 1-6-6-5-8-2 dash omega. And, when we say that, we’re being hyperbolic for the sake of grabbing the reader’s attention, of course, since there are an almost infinite number of universes that are similar to it in every way except one –