Youth

By Brian Lambert

An Australian PERKS OF BEING A WALLFLOWER, YOUTH is about Hammer and his three best friends, Ali, Austen and Ez, a group of 'dickhead Melbourne school boys' who are on the threshold of adulthood. It's their final year of secondary school and the time where everything becomes more interesting, complex and at several times, frightening.

YOUTH details how Hammer sees everything, how it affects him, those close and not so close, and how he tackles all of it head on, all the while nursing a severe anxiety disorder that might get the best of him. Next to that, he's got one weird girlfriend, a brother on the run from everything and a celebrated author mentor with her own dark secrets who are all keeping him in check.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Brian Lambert
• Release date: Jan 6, 2018
• ISBN: 9781370529681

Brian Lambert

Brian Lambert has wanted to be a writer since he was nine and, being a fierce traditionalist, is most eager to know if he’s done this Smashwords thing correctly. He is a serial backpacker, clouder, beach walker who also writes the blog The Sheep Was Here (thesheepwashere.com). He lives in Melbourne, Australia.

Book preview

Chapter One

I learnt Beth-Louise was whack back on day one. She kept saying she had an Icelandic rock god for a father, a pirate’s peg leg stashed in her backseat and every psychological condition currently known to man including ‘walrus bipolar’. None of that really struck me as a mouthful honestly. I, for one, was doing just fine with my anxiety fucking around in the backroom where we kept the chlorine and Chupa Chups.

‘Keep breathing,’ Beth-Louise told me over and over with an encouraging face; the type that looked in and tried to make you feel good. She was older than me and was a skinny little toothpick who could keep her kids in line with a look. A blackbird had been tattooed onto her neck. I was huffing and losing it and I’d been crying. Fuck! Fuck that bastard!

‘Just… I was-’ I was coughing and choking.

‘Hamish, breathe,’ she told me quick. ‘Don’t think about it.’

Outside of the backroom I heard the splashing in the swimming pool. Kids were still in it, parents were watching and the squad class would’ve started by now. That bastard was still out there.

I tried breathing slower. Beth-Louise was still doing her best to calm me down; she was just another swim school teacher, just like me, who cameoed as a receptionist sometimes which was one far cry from shrink. She had seen it happen though, so she knew what was going on. I sat down on one of the new boxes of flippers we hadn’t opened yet. My heart was racing.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

I wasn’t saying anything. I didn’t want to say anything; my lines always got fucked when I’m freaking out.

‘I got someone to call your mum,’ Beth-Louise told me.

‘Is that man still out there?’ I asked her.

‘Watchin his other kid.’

‘He’s a cunt.’

‘Oh yeah.’ Beth-Louise sat down next to me and placed a hand on my still wet back.

‘You didn’t do anything wrong Hammer,’ she told me, sounding like she understood all of the bullshit in my face. Her smile was all right. There was a lot of light in her face.

All I could hear were the kids in the pool. And then I heard everything all over again.

That dad was roaring at me because I couldn’t get his daughter to tread with her head sticking out of the water. He’d shouted at me in front of everyone. Fuck! The girl got upset whilst her mother took her away and when the mum came back she was saying sorry a hundred times. That was when I got out and got Beth-Louise to follow me out the back. It felt like a knife was in my neck.

Why did this fucking happen?! I’d tried everything to get the girl to keep her head up!

‘Some people are fucks,’ Beth-Louise told me in this calm tone that made me think she was going to talk me out of suicide. ‘Don’t take it personally.’

I tried thinking about the bullshit she liked to spread about herself… or the four fun classes I’d had before that Buck-Toothed Bastard opened his mouth. The fuck was missing so many teeth. They’d been good classes! I coughed hard before she told me to breathe. I was still in my blue work rashie and wet and in the backroom and I wanted this shit to stop.

‘If it helps my sex change was a roaring success last week,’ she bullshitted.

I threw up. Some of it got on her leg.

This was a great end to term one.

Chapter Two

Night was growing this icy kind of cold. I was waiting out front of the big cream coloured house in Croydon North at about 8:30, my mismatching hoodie, shirt, jeans and sneakers keeping me covered, when Ali finally showed up with a six pack in a shopping bag. My skin already had a layer of goose bumps. We were well into term two and this was the first big party we were going to; at least my sunburns had healed.

‘Ez is still coming,’ Ali told me quickly, ‘and he’s bringin her along.’

‘So he’s not cross dressing with the other alphas?’

The mention of Ez’s girlfriend was enough to induce a pissed off kind of sigh in both of us. Ali’s black hair was styled and he wore his brown leather jacket over a hoodie like he was from Teen Wolf. He had a really distinctive Persian look about him and spoke really fast. He looked up at the house, Gemma’s house, where the party was happening and like an optimist; Gemma and a few other year twelve girls were amongst those who could attest to how experienced my friend, the sexventurist, was.

‘Coming in?’

‘Give me a minute. Shit,’ I went, feeling a little anxious before it turned into a lot, whilst scratching at my chin.

‘You’re gonna be fine.’ Ali reached into his jean pocket, pulled out a condom and pressed it into my palm. ‘You spray your junk with Lynx?’

‘Nah I think it makes me shrivel up.’

‘Bullshit – did it twice today an’ got hard as.’

Nothing too discreet there, I thought, as I felt the condom in my hand. I pocketed it before thinking of how much luck anyone else could have at Gemma’s place.

Ali was now scratching at his chin which meant he wanted to get things started. Our year twelve coordinator advised us at the start of the year to limit ourselves to one piss up per week… so here we go.

‘Right, c’mon.’

‘Cum indeed!’ Ali added.

People talked and drank and partied as we entered the house. Ali opened up one of his Coronas before getting into his Mr Incubus act for all of the right reasons. Immediately the girls started flocking to be a part of his circle; he never hid his love for the attention. I, on the other hand, was just the outsider always looking in.

In one corner a couple of people were playing a drinking game and in another a group wanted to seize control of the playlist. Macklemore thumped out of the speakers as I heard talk of Schoolies and the year twelve social. After all of that I saw the ‘alpha males’, led by One-Handed Nathan, step out in wigs, miniskirts and everything else drag which made us start catcalling. It was tradition; the footage would be shown at our end of year assembly.

After some minutes I met up with Austen. He had more muscle tone, flat brown hair and these dimples that always made me think of Tom Hiddleston. Austen wore his dark cargo pants and T-shirt proclaiming that CLONES ARE PEOPLE TOO, whilst all the while looking happy as.

‘Your Facebook status about Will Smith take off?’ I asked Austen.

‘A hundred plus Likes and eighty-two Shares – we’re doin pretty good,’ he answered after checking his phone.

Austen had a pathological fondness for slamming famous people so that said famous peoples’ followers would react. His opinion of L. Ron Hubbard The L Stands For Lavender resulted in two hundred and fifty plus Likes, nearly five hundred Shares and some Scientologists going through his garbage bins; they only stopped when Austen started shitting in said bins.

‘Dad’s gonna let me use his ute to get down to Lorne,’ Austen, a month away from eighteen, added with a cider in one hand.

‘You gonna be Ali’s ride in getting down there too?’

‘He offered me petrol money. You’re still gonna bus it from Geelong?’

‘Mum and Dad said I could if I paid for it.’ Austen, along with Ali and Ez, wanted me down there for some of Schoolies at least. I want to be there with them and I would’ve had a more rock solid answer if I hadn’t accepted that free week in Fiji. That was when I realised Austen was looking across the living room but I didn’t have to guess that Gavin was over there.

‘Where’s he going?’

‘Up to Surfers,’ said Austen. ‘His aunt’s got a place up there. The security’s supposed to be better.’

Austen and Gavin weren’t stuck in the cupboard; they just weren’t tied up at the hip either. Besides, everyone, and I mean everyone couldn’t have given a bigger shit. That said, Ali had put into effect a year old pact that we’d spend Schoolies together which at this point would feature me to some degree. That was when Ez walked in with one arm wrapped around her waist.

People always looked at Ez when he entered a room… although tonight’s reason could be because of the Honda Prelude his parents had helped him pay for. Ez was slim, in a black shirt, skinny jeans, and vans and had his hair combed back which was always guaranteed; his dad was Aussie, mum Chinese and his face was the perfect mix of both.

‘Not giving me a ride home are ya?’ Austen asked when Ez joined us. We all gave her, Morgan, a passing glance.

‘You’ll get shotgun one day, promise,’ Ez answered as he fist bumped Austen and then me. Morgan’s presence, though, was still making us sigh. She went to a ‘supposed private’ school in Canterbury and had this classy bottle blond look that said she hated all of Ezra’s friends. Morgan was only at the party so that others would look at her, that being the fact. Douchette.

‘I’ll leave you here then,’ Morgan said before moving towards a group of girls who had tried to look more impressive than her, which always had me wondering, could she be a coat stand but with a weaker personality?

‘How’ve you lasted four months with her?’ I asked Ez.

‘It’s called masculinity.’

‘How many break ups there been now?’

Ez gave me the finger so I sent one back. We man hugged as several randoms looked in our direction. There were a lot of people around tonight who I didn’t recognise. That was when Ali appeared, with the smell of cigarette smoke coming off of him, asking if I’d got it done yet.

‘Fark, quit askin!’ I didn’t need his shit. Really didn’t. Fucking wasn’t my strong point.

‘Shoulda Lynxed it.’

Ali and Ez bumped fists as Austen patted me on the back because he knew I was gonna suck hard at getting hard. Now I was envying One-Handed Nathan because of how a birth defect had decreed that he’d live his life with a built in dildo and a vibrator when he had the shivers; his missus had had the same satisfied look on her face for months now. My virgin nerves then kicked in… again. I looked at my friends, the ones who came with their experiences and weren’t quiet about it. I’d known Austen since the sandbox, Ali came onto the scene back in grade four, Ez on the first day of high school and they were all bosses at fucking. I’d settled on the right Hogwarts house so I’d get laid!

‘Wanna ask Gemma for a pity fuck?’ Austen suggested, encouragingly.

‘She’s good,’ Ali added. ‘She said you sucked though.’

‘So did she. Too flat,’ said Austen, having another look at Gavin. ‘She had a ladder going up her stocking that day so at the end I’m asking myself, Why did I climb this staircase to vaginal heaven?’

Me, Ali and Ez saw Gavin return a grin Austen’s way. I’d already tried asking Gemma but it got screwed up. My current dilemma came back to me so I snatched Ali’s Corona, swigged hard and cringed because he never drank the Mexican brew with the lemon wedge. It was shit. Fuck. Squeezed my eyes up.

‘Easy man-bitch,’ Ez told me.

I returned the bottle.

‘Do you wanna leave?’ Austen asked.

‘Shit no.’ I was a little pissed with the attention they were giving me. The job was getting done. ‘I’m hungry.’

This little union was about to end anyway. Gavin was making this summoning look for Austen to answer, Gemma and a few girls were now circling Ali and Ez was torn between some boys wanting to hear about the Prelude and Morgan who wanted to suck him dry. My friends went off in different directions which made me both appreciate and want to shit on the solitude. I’d always been an outsider who enjoyed looking in, but now it was ‘sometimes enjoyed’. The Galvatrons then started playing When We Were Kids on the speakers before I started moving towards the kitchen. My favourite one hit wonder always put a smile on my face; it made me feel good. I was feeling optimistic for a bit before someone turned it off and played something else. Pricks.

Few people were in the kitchen. I grabbed some corn chips from a bowl and started eating them before getting noticed by the right person. The right person.

‘Sailor,’ Carine said before she leaned against the fridge door.

‘Heya. You stalking me again?’ Despite the jagged edges poking around in my throat, this was a good thing.

‘Probably. Kira had to bail because gastro boy paid her a visit so I need interesting peeps to talk to.’

‘Should I go find one for you?’

Carine smiled; she had a nice smile and one of those really good fusion looks, I think, like Ez. She kept her dark hair tied back and she wore bright colours. We kept talking, and I couldn’t complain. She was very easy to talk to.

‘Tell me something about your week in Fiji.’

This was going to be interesting. I kept my gaze on her almond eyes.

‘It was eventful,’ I answered. ‘I drank kava and had a reaction.’

‘Points brother.’

We were soon each drinking a can of Coke. Carine wasn’t a drinker and I only tried the piss when I didn’t have anything else on my mind. I lied to myself with that, thinking it could help. I looked her body over, quickly, thinking that that was a brilliant obvious mistake, before thinking back to the rubber Ali had given me.

‘You two, get next to each other,’ Tessa said, appearing out of nowhere with her iPhone at the ready.

‘Huh?’ I went. Then I sighed. I immediately flashed back to Tessa screwing up my asking of Gemma for a pity fuck, along with plenty of other shit.

‘It’s for our end of year assembly. Get in on this,’ Tessa spoke up like the self-proclaiming bitch she was. She liked how nobody liked her, which meant she was being talked about. Carine then placed an arm around my neck and brought her head closer to mine. I was feeling her warm body against mine and enjoyed the connection. We smiled as Tessa got her picture and left with Cheers bitches sounding in our ears. That shit aside, I wanted everything else about the moment to last.

‘What’s the likelihood she actually uses that picture?’

‘Slim. Murtz or one of the other nerds is planning to work the projector so everyone will get their faces shown,’ explained Carine, her smile making me think she was Maori or something like. ‘My suspicion was you were going to hang with your boyfriends tonight?’

‘Just did some of it. Gotta work around their relationshipping.’

‘They’re good at that. Ali whores himself well.’

I laughed at the truth as Carine smiled again, looking calm and inviting, which was when I went for her lips. Felt like it lasted for ages but it was quick and light and probably stupid… but it happened… and she wasn’t objecting when I pulled away. A lot better than my first kiss… but maybe that one didn’t count; I wasn’t sure.

‘Took your time,’ she told me with a smile.

My heart was racing… but it was a good race. I’d since given up figuring out how many bedrooms were in the house after we’d scored a good one with some nice sheets. I hadn’t taken my eyes off of hers.

‘I speak confidently… when I say,’ Carine spoke, ‘that that thing on your junk feels weird up my driveway.’

‘Not complaining.’ Seriously, I wasn’t. How the hell did I get that thing on right?

‘Wasn’t bad.’

‘Who’re you comparing me with?’

‘Fifty Shades.’

I raised an eyebrow, which then led to Carine blushing.

‘I read to the vision impaired at a nursing home and am responsible for many vintage erections.’

I rolled onto my back and stared up at the smooth, white ceiling with widening eyes. I felt the heat radiating from her and her bare skin against mine, under the sheets, and I felt good for having lost some of my pudge. Doing warehouse holiday work helped me lose about fifteen kilos worth of pudge. Couldn’t say I was the accomplished, horny mutant offspring of Ali, Ez and Austen but I couldn’t picture Carine regretting anything anytime soon. She placed a flat hand on my chest then and stroked it.

‘Your moobs are soft.’

‘Cheers bitch,’ I said, quoting Tessa and hating the taste in my mouth then. Then there was an awkward pause. ‘So… I’m not shit?’

‘Can’t say that you are.’ Carine was smiling when she said that. ‘You didn’t get any pointers from Ali, right?’

‘My wang is pointing down there because of meself, thanks.’ I nearly pictured Ali. Shit.

‘Well you don’t waste time.’ She laughed… and I wanted that moment to last forever… along with all of the others. We hadn’t kissed since the kitchen, but I was hoping that that would change. ‘Why didn’t you try for this with Gemma and her generous ‘gina?’

That I had, on the train when we were all coming back from an English excursion (we’d gone to see a play at Melbourne uni) but my tongue got tied… and Tessa had been there to laugh about it to everyone. Shit I was hating on that bitch tonight.

‘Gemma’s too exclusive,’ I said. ‘I know she’s a gomancer now but she still looks untouchable.’ Ali logic there.

‘Ah.’ Then there was a pause. ‘I’m not looking for anything Hammer.’

My pulse just started to slow. I felt cold. It was like she’d dumped a bucket of ice on me.

‘You’re a good guy Hamish, really. I’ve got no regrets.’

Guess I didn’t either. Shouts started coming from the other side of the door.

‘What the hell?’

The door flew open and Ali came in.

‘Wank!’ Carine shouted, keeping herself covered.

Fuck. Shit. I was pissed and embarrassed. Mostly pissed. Ali didn’t seem to care.

‘You seen Austen?!’

‘No,’ I said, sitting up as I felt the condom starting to feel extra freaky. Carine was reaching for her clothes on the floor.

‘Some fuck’s smashin Gavin!’

Me and Carine paused. What?

The Book of Mac – Path

I’d walked the bike path where to one side was the wetlands ibis and rosellas landed in, and on the other was a long fence topped with barbs; the graveyard was beyond that. Figured the graveyard of concrete that the hopeless snuck into was the best place to start. Council had spent plenty repairing the fence whenever a fresh hole was cut. Luckily I found one and stepped through it. The graveyard looked just as useless in the morning as it did the rest of the time. A factory making whatever had once stood on this solid ground.

I walked over untamed grass and around some severely overgrown blackberry bushes, fifteen and a pudgy nerd in a hoodie, shorts and sneakers. One of the new girls at school, Carine, said my smile and chestnut hair were cute and that had made me blush. We were still going through this messed up winter but I wore the hoodie to keep my fat to myself. I was already sweating up which had me going How?

Scattered across the ground were stray bricks, milk crates and a few propped up wooden boards that the skaters were probably using. In one corner of the concrete graveyard was a small, green excavator gaining plenty of bird shit and holes in the windscreen. When I looked across the space I saw Lusher Road and the chained up gate separating me from it; a few morning dog walkers, old girls in big rounded sunglasses were on the other side of the fence. I usually saw them going by the house. Looking away from them, I found him passed out by one of the propped up wooden boards.

‘Mac,’ I said, shaking my older brother by the shoulders. ‘MAC!’

Mac moved, rolling a little before moving an arm in defence. Didn’t get me at all.

‘Wake up. It’s Hammer.’

I smelt smoke and piss coming off the green raincoat he was wearing; why was he wearing it? He’s thin. Mac slowly opened his eyes which was when I made out some bloodshot colouring. He groaned. I slowly helped my big brother sit up.

‘Mum and Dad are freaking out.’

‘M’still here,’ he let out, slowly, before looking around at where he was. I counted some empty beer bottles lying nearby. My brother had a long face and a mess of hair that reached his shoulders which made him look like a bogan from the train station.

‘They’re looking for you. C’mon, we gotta get home.’

‘Leave me ‘lone.’

‘Get up,’ I said, pulling Mac by his shoulders.

‘I said fuck off!’ He connected a back hand to my cheek.

I let go, taken off