Wham! Bam! Pow! Slam!

By Doug Lewars

This comedic novel attempts to answer the burning question – what would happen if a group of Superheroes and Super Villains were to suddenly have their jobs off-shored to India? IAA (International Authority Management) Corp. and Villainy Corporation need to cut costs so they fire their existing staff and proceed to hire individuals in New Delhi – at a fraction of the cost of course. But can these new hires handle the new culture and highly technical – not to mention exceedingly dangerous – equipment that is used both to commit and control crime? And what of the former employees? Can these men and women who have dedicated their working lives to super heroism and super villainy possibly find new careers in a tight job market? Have a look and find out!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Doug Lewars
• Release date: Nov 21, 2017
• ISBN: 9781370119233

Doug Lewars

Although not quite over-the-hill, Doug is certainly approaching the summit. He lives in Etobicoke which is a polite way of saying West Toronto. When not exercising such creative talents as he may possess, Doug may be found gardening or out somewhere fishing. He comes with a large bald spot, a dark sense of humour, and a fondness for chocolate eclairs – or chocolate anything actually.

Book preview

Wham! Bam! Pow! Slam!

By

Doug Lewars

Published by Doug Lewars at Smashwords

Copyright: 2017 by Doug Lewars – All rights reserved.

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to your favorite eBook retailer and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author

All characters, events and organizations in this book are fictitious. Any similarity to persons living or dead is purely coincidental and is not intended by the author.

This book is dedicated to all those who find themselves looking for work.

Chapter 1 – A Normal Day at Work

Chapter 2 – Business Meeting

Chapter 3 – Hiring Replacement Staff

Chapter 4 - Outplacement

Chapter 5 – Getting Started

Chapter 6 – First Assignment

Chapter 7 – Learning Curve

Chapter 8- Another Attempt

Chapter 9 – Exploring Options

Chapter 10 – The Resume

Chapter 11 – A New Plot

Chapter 12 - Education

Chapter 13 – Powerful Networking

Chapter 14 – Bank Robbery

Chapter 15 – Personal Branding

Chapter 16 – If At First …

Chapter 17 - Myview

Chapter 18 – A New Caper

Chapter 19 - Networking

Chapter 20 – Crime In The City

Chapter 21 – More Job Searching and An Interview

Chapter 22 – A Mundane Mugging

Chapter 23 – Pestilence

Chapter 24 – Interviews

Chapter 25 – Virus!

Chapter 26 - First Day on The Job

Chapter 27 – The Final Battle

Chapter 28 - Epilogue

Odds n’Ends

Chapter 1 – A Normal Day at Work

Icicles smashed like spears into the concrete where String Man had been standing seconds before; but even as they impacted, he had swung up and over the corner of the structure and was hurtling towards Snow Sprite. But the latter was no slouch in a fight, and erecting a plane of ice, bolted up and away from the attack. Still, that left him unable to see Fluidman who launched a jet of water like that from a fire-hose. With mere milliseconds to react, Snow Sprite froze the water and shattered it bare inches from his face.

Look out! yelled String Man as Snow Sprite launched a blast of frigid air at Fluidman, but Fluidman puddled down flat so the blast went over his head. In an instant he flowed around a brick structure to safety.

Raising both arms and leading with his left leg like a ballerina, String Man launched strings in three directions giving himself options. He elected the one on his right, and leaping onto it, flowed like a hyperactive tightrope walker to the edge of the building where a second string allowed him to leap into space, swing in a wide arc, tossing more strings at Snow Sprite. Three missed, but a fourth wrapped itself around the super villain’s wrist causing him to slip and fall. Even as he fell, he froze the string so it broke as he jerked his arm. Precious milliseconds were lost as a second blast of water ricocheted off the outside of the stairwell and caught him a glancing blow on his right arm. He allowed it to pivot him and then froze it in place skating wide of additional strings.

With two against one, Snow Sprite realized he was at a disadvantage and resolved to make an escape at the first opportunity – but neither String Man nor Fluidman were inclined to provide him with one. Quickly he erected a wall of ice blocking more strings and then he directed a deep freeze attack towards Fluidman. He knew it wouldn’t succeed, but would force his adversary to stay under cover. Before he could take further action, String Man had used the wall of ice as an anchor. Launching himself up and over, he came flying down towards Snow Sprite shooting strings as he came. Throwing himself to one side, the villain threw up a flurry of snow blinding String Man for a second; but in doing so he blinded himself as well giving Fluidman an opportunity to direct another jet of water. But this was exactly what Snow Sprite wanted. He pivoted away and froze the water so it looked like a giant flat icicle stretching off into the distance. Jumping onto it he tried to slide away. He wasn’t quite quick enough because String Man tossed a string in front of him snapping the icicle in two; and, were it not for his blindingly fast reflexes, Snow Sprite would have found himself trying to slide in mid-air – something some super villains might have managed but not him.

He turned, faked a dash towards one corner, and then formed a huge ice spear he launched at String Man. The latter easily avoided it, but it was Fluidman, still partially blinded by the snow flurry who was the real target. At the last instant, he loosed a short blast of water deflecting the spear to one side so it missed him by millimeters. Once again, String Man threw a string at Snow Sprite who easily dodged; but, in doing so, moved to his right having forgotten the string String Man had loosed earlier and which was still in place. It wrapped itself around his right leg reducing his mobility as Fluidman launched yet another jet of water that would most certainly have rendered him unconscious had it connected - but he froze it half way between him and his opponent. String Man had been ready. He inserted a string into the mass of ice and used it to swing himself around so he flew directly to where Snow Sprite was still held in place by the string on his ankle. As they came together he drove his fist into Snow Sprite’s face knocking him down. Even as he fell, Snow Sprite took a large breath and sucked the heat out of the surrounding air so String Man was forced to gasp. In that moment, Snow Sprite broke the string holding his ankle and tried to freeze String Man where he lay. He was too late because String Man had a backup string already launched and ready - so when he found himself breathing exceptionally frigid air, he threw himself to one side and dropped over the edge of the building to regain his breath.

Fluidman was now at a disadvantage. His attacks generally involved great bursts of water - but Snow Sprite could freeze them and him if he got too close. Still, while he mostly made use of water, he had other fluids at his command and antifreeze was one of them. The problem was, he didn’t have much, so he’d have to make the attack count.

Snow Sprite created two large drifts of snow on either side of the structure housing the stairwell. He didn’t dare get close enough to attempt to freeze Fluidman, but he thought as long as the drifts provided cover, he could create stairs of ice on the far side of the building for escape. Dashing to the wall, he was just about to vault over when String Man came flying up from where he’d anticipated Snow Sprite’s escape and caught his adversary a swift kick knocking him backwards and causing him to skid over his own ice patch. In less than a heartbeat there were strings binding Snow Sprite’s ankles to the ice and even as he tried to freeze them brittle, Fluidman emerged from around the drifts and soaked him with antifreeze. That gave String Man the opportunity he needed and additional strings appeared to bind Snow Sprite’s arms and legs making it impossible for him to continue the battle.

Well I guess that takes care of that, said String Man to Fluidman as they stood and observed the now restrained Snow Sprite.

Yes. All that remains is to deliver him to the police.

Using a fountain of water, Fluidman hoisted Snow Sprite into the air and then String Man directed strings from the roof to the ground so they could descend. Once on the street they were greeted with applause by the assembled crowd. It wasn’t long before they reached the nearest police detachment where they turned the villain over to the desk sergeant for processing.

That was quite a battle, said Fluidman, Frankly I’m bushed. How about you?

I think we’re both entitled to a break before heading back to headquarters.

Agreed, so where shall it be?

How about that little tea-shop around the corner?

Sounds good.

A few minutes later String Man and Fluidman were sitting at a table sipping tea from a china cup and admiring the décor. The Little Cup Tea Shoppe brewed any number of teas for shoppers looking for a break from the stores – but much of their business consisted of selling various blends in bulk. Some people might not have cared for it because the proprietor – a man who seemed old enough to have sampled the first tea ever brought from China – believed tea should be served hot – very hot.

String Man sat back and nibbled the biscuit he’d purchased along with the tea. So, what do you think will happen next in the world of crime?

Fluidman took a sip of his tea. We haven’t seen much action lately – just routine muggings, murders, a few bank robberies. I think Snow Sprite’s attempt to steal the Statue of Liberty and hold it for ransom was one of our more impressive cases. It was probably just as well we interrupted him before he could get it off the base or we’d have had a real mess on our hands.

Just then the door opened and Snow Sprite walked in. He headed to the counter, selected a blend of Turmeric Ginger Tea mixed with Rose Hips and Dandelion Essence and pulled up a chair to where the others were sitting.

Pretty good scrap today, he commented.

How did you get out of jail so fast? asked Fluidman.

Good lawyer. He has an office right next to that police detachment, so he can easily drop in and bail me out.

String Man shook his head. I knew we should have taken him to a detachment in Lower Manhattan.

Snow Sprite chuckled, Wouldn’t have made much difference. Our office has lawyers on retainer next to every police department in the city. Providing proper legal support is really necessary if you’re going to run a Super Villain agency. Otherwise, why would anyone resort to a life of crime? I mean we could make more money selling stock futures or becoming news anchors.

So who commissioned that attack on the Statue of Liberty? I mean, that’s not your normal crime of robbing bank vaults or maybe Fort Knox.

Snow Sprite shrugged. You know we’re not allowed to discuss our clients. When you first join the agency you’re required to sign a non-disclosure agreement. In any event, they hardly ever tell us who the clients are. They just give us an assignment and we set out to accomplish it.

But you never succeed.

True.

So how is it a viable business model, if you’re forever attempting to commit crimes and never successful?

Ah, I’m afraid I can’t tell you that.

Why not?

And I’m afraid I can’t even tell you the reason I can’t answer your question. You see management insists on absolute security surrounding our business, so I really can’t discuss it.

Meaning you don’t know, suggested Fluidman.

Snow Sprite shrugged. You can interpret it that way. It hardly matters. In the end it all comes out the same. My job is to commit various crimes ranging from the trivial to truly heinous, and your job is to stop me. As long as we both do our jobs, our employers should be happy, and their customers should be happy.

Wait, our customers are the cities who need their citizens kept safe from you and the other super villains. We don’t have commercial clients, noted String Man.

Snow Sprite frowned. Are you sure your bosses are telling you everything about the business? Certainly municipalities are among your client base – but I think if you dug a little deeper you’d find some other customers your bosses don’t talk about. In any event it doesn’t matter. We both have our respective work.

He took a final swallow of his tea and said, Well, I’d best be getting back to headquarters. You know how it is – plenty of nefarious plots to hatch and diabolical schemes to concoct.

Fluidman asked, Do you concoct your own plots or does Mr. Big do most of it?

You mean Big Boss, replied Snow Sprite, No, he has the name, but he’s really just one of the guys. Our real bosses are like executives in any other organization. They don’t do much. All our plots are on the computer.

You mean you just go to the computer and pull up a plot?

Not exactly, we have a database of plot components. We’re given an assignment and sometimes a location – say lower Manhattan at such-and-such a date and time, and it should be a level three for example. We have five levels of plots from mundane to taking over the world. Anyway, we go into the computer and do a search at whatever level. It assembles a list of candidates from its components. Then we just select one looking like it might be fun, make a few modifications, and execute it.

Wow! That’s really well organized.

Snow Sprite nodded. Yeah, these new analytic engines do a pretty good job. Anyway, I’d better be off now. See you.

Right. So long.

Fluidman turned to String Man. You know, it’s really impressive how organized they are. I always thought they sat around in a dark room rubbing their hands together with glee and formulating plots – but to think they have it all computerized is really impressive.

String Man finished his tea. Agreed. They’re quite professional.

Maybe we could do something like that.

We’ve already got MISS.

MISS stood for Metropolitan Investigative Surveillance System. It consisted of a large number of linked video cameras owned by the city, and an even larger number owned and operated by private citizens and various businesses. The latter, technically, were private – but not so private a little surreptitious hacking couldn’t overcome. All the feeds went into a large computer for scanning and then matched to criminal behaviour. When a match was found, the feed would display to the sole operator sitting at a console. If he concurred with the computer’s conclusion, he would dispatch one or more superheroes to deal with the situation. It worked pretty well; although sometimes the villains were able to elude surveillance long enough to carry out a substantial portion of their plot before the superheroes were contacted.

Fluidman considered. You’re right. We do. However I was thinking if we had a database of nefarious plots like they do, we could have a pretty good idea what they’re about to get up to. It would be really nice to be waiting for them when they arrived and just cuff them.

If we cuffed them before they committed the crime, noted String Man, Then we wouldn’t have a case against them. In fact, they might even bring charges against us for unlawful confinement.

There was a pause while Fluidman considered. Well maybe what we need are some laws allowing us to prosecute for future crime. After all, we can arrest would-be terrorists before they leave the country if we have grounds to think they’re going somewhere to join an established terrorist organization. Those people haven’t done anything criminal – but they can be charged anyway. Likewise we can constrain freedom of speech and throw people in jail for merely expressing an opinion – albeit a strong one. And we can obviously lock up people who are purchasing bomb-making equipment, drug-making equipment or even carrying the necessary hardware for break-and-enter. So doesn’t it seem perfectly reasonable to arrest citizens who are thinking about crime?

How would you prove it in court?

Fluidman smiled. That would be the beauty of the arrangement. You wouldn’t have to prove it because you can’t prove what someone’s thinking about. It would be the responsibility of the defendant to prove they weren’t planning something; and since that’s equally impossible, we could lock up whomever we wanted to.

String Man nodded. Your argument certainly has merit. It would save us a lot of hard work if we could simply lock up everyone we didn’t like – but then the prisons would overflow. I mean they’re already pretty much stuffed to capacity. Think how crowded they’d be if we locked up everyone we merely suspected.

Couldn’t we build more prisons?

Have you any idea how expensive that would be?

Fluidman stopped to think. He had no idea what the cost of a prison was – but thought he probably wouldn’t want to pay for it from petty cash. I guess you’re right. We can’t lock them all up.

Right.

But we’ve still got the death penalty.

Not in this state we don’t.

We don’t?

Nope. They stopped it in 2007.

Well that’s a rip.

Agreed, but that’s how it is – no death penalty.

Fluidman glowered. That’s what comes of electing liberals.

String Man nodded. You’re right, but what can we do?

How about we abolish the government and install a new legislature made up of superheroes?

Now you’re thinking like they do.

Oh right. I guess we can’t do that. We stand for democracy and the American way. I guess what we need is to change the American way to include the practice of executing criminals.

Whatever we do, we aren’t going to accomplish much by sitting around here. Come on. It’s time to get back to base and see if there’s anything new needing attention.

The two paid, left a small tip and exited. Manhattan was a busy place. Cars and cabs went bustling by. The tea shop where they’d relaxed was part of a much larger building. Everywhere buildings towered over the street. Steel and glass towers soared where millions, probably billions of transactions were conducted daily. The site of the superhero offices was not located in Manhattan. They took pride, however, in it still being part of the city. There was much to be said for East Flatbush.

The office was located between a glass outlet and an auto-repair shop. It was carefully ambiguous – some might say run down – so as not to convey the impression this was the base of the city’s – and in fact the country’s – most elite crime-fighting force. Although men wearing tights coming and going periodically, did reduce the secrecy somewhat – but from the architecture no hint could be taken. Besides, men wearing tights could be seen at some of New York’s trendier nightclubs, so not a great deal could be inferred from that.

Constructed of red bricks, dark with age, it looked a little like a fortress – one without battlements and one in which all doors and windows had been sealed. There was one entrance large enough to admit a vehicle. It was behind a wire-link fence requiring a special access code to open, so just one car or truck could enter. On those rare occasions when a really large truck needed to gain admittance, double gates needed to be held open and there would always be three or more superheroes on duty to prevent attack. That no attack had ever materialized did not discourage them. It could happen and therefore they were on guard.

When Fluidman and String Man arrived they found a number of other superheroes milling about.

Chapter 2 – Business Meeting

What’s happening? asked Fluidman of Steelman.

Steelman looked surprised. Didn’t you get the message?

No, String Man and I were out on a case, so we just got back.

Don’t you guys ever turn on your cell phones?

String Man shrugged. It eats up the battery.

Steelman sighed, Isn’t that what batteries are for? Presumably they made them rechargeable for a reason.

Come on. Just tell us what’s going on.

There’s a meeting.

Both Fluidman and String Man waited. Finally String Man said, And?

Steelman shrugged. Just that. We were all contacted and told to come here for a meeting at eleven o’clock. Attendance is mandatory.

Oh Lord, complained Fluidman, They’re going to announce a policy change and we’ll be filling out forms from now until doomsday.

Oh come on. We don’t use forms anymore.

I didn’t mean paper, continued Fluidman, It’s just as bad on a computer – maybe worse – because if it’s on paper, it has to be delivered and there’s someone from whom you can get answers how to deal with the tricky bits. When it’s on computer you have to rely on ‘help’ and it doesn’t help half the time. Haven’t you ever filled out your taxes?

Steelman shook his head. Taxes are a different thing. Those forms are created by the government and they hire only the best and brightest to make them confusing; so naturally they’re complicated. The forms we have to deal with aren’t bad.

Fluidman nodded. They’re not bad yet. I’m betting this meeting is to announce some new process requiring us to fill out all sorts of weird things.

But dealing with weird things is part of our business.

Not on a computer it isn’t.

Tarantula walked over to where they were talking. So are you ready for the big announcement?

What big announcement? asked String Man.

She shrugged. Big meeting – big announcement – they go together.

Not necessarily, pointed out Fluidman. The last time they had a mandatory meeting it was just to announce new training we all had to attend.

Right. I remember, agreed Steelman, We had to learn the importance of diversity.

Waste of time, noted Fluidman, We’re all different types around here, so we’re naturally diverse.

Yeah, but we’ve got only three women, pointed out Tarantula.

Steelman shrugged. True, but women generally don’t want to do superhero work. First it’s dangerous, and then the pay isn’t all that great.

Oh come on, argued Tarantula, There are thousands of out-of-work women who would love the opportunity to run around the city with some sort of superpower putting a stop to criminals. It’s just it’s next to impossible for them to get employed with this organization. There’s a sexist hiring policy. You have to be on call seven by twenty-four by three-sixty-five.

True, but that’s the nature of the business.

You try finding daycare at three A.M. because some lunatic has abducted the President and is threatening to kill him and destabilize the entire government. To be a woman and working here means not having kids and probably not having a husband either.

Well, you’re working here.

Yeah, and I don’t have a husband or kids – although in my case I don’t want them. But still, you have to admit, for many women; that would be an impediment.

Just then the doors to the conference room opened and the assembled group trooped inside. It wasn’t a large room. It didn’t have to be. There were only thirty plush seats facing a podium on which a lectern was situated. Since there were only ten superheroes, twenty of the seats remained empty. On the podium were half a dozen chairs for the executives. At the lectern, the CEO stood waiting for the staff to seat themselves. When they were comfortable and he had their full attention he began.

"I would like to start by thanking you for your many valuable contributions to maintaining law and order at a time when it seems society is on the brink of self-destructing into anarchy. There are pressures on every side from those who do not value freedom, who do not value law, who do not value their fellow citizens; and who, it must be said, do not even value themselves. Such individuals put a constant strain on the resources of the city; and, in fact, on society itself. Therefore, law enforcement must be ever vigilant in combatting those forces threatening to tear us apart.

"That said, no organization can function without financial support. We are a private service. While it is true, our largest customer is the city – and, by extension, the taxpayers of the metropolis – it is also true city budgets are beset by requests from all across the spectrum. For example, supporters of public transit believe all travel should be by bus or subway and motor vehicles should be eliminated. They also feel the bulk of the cost should come from tax dollars. And then there are those who believe it is not the responsibility of citizens to provide their own shelter, but instead, the government. In fact, no matter where you look, some group wants money for a social cause they, and frequently they alone, believe is absolutely necessary and will result in the betterment of society.

"Given the pressure on public money, and the fact taxpayers are being bled white at the federal, state and at a municipal level, the city has opted for a policy to hold the line on expenditures. Simply put, all publically funded organizations are being told to do more with less – to find new and innovative efficiencies – to tighten their belts. This is true of transit. This is true of housing. And, unfortunately, this is also true of us. We have been told we need to look for new sources of revenue and not to rely on the city to maintain our organization. We will not get any additional money, but, while funding is static, our costs continue to rise. Maintaining this building costs more each year. Hydro rates have skyrocketed. Fuel costs are up. The cost of maintaining our fleet of vehicles is rising. Even the property value, and by extension, the taxes we pay for our headquarters have gone up. Therefore, we are facing a financial crises and one showing no indication of easing any time soon.

"Over the years we, your executive, backed up by the Board of Directors, have worked hard to maintain a viable and highly-skilled organization in the face of many obstacles. We have continued to provide extensive employee benefits at a time when such benefits are being steadily dismantled across the country. We have provided education and staff development because we recognize the importance of having a highly-trained, highly-skilled workforce. In addition, our front line workers have had to cope with any number of new and deadly innovations on the part of those who oppose us – not only crooks, thugs, and other lowlifes, but those at the very top – the criminal masterminds who ever plot to debase our city. We have done everything possible to maintain fiscal responsibility – everything but constrain our own remuneration. I mean we can only do so much and massive salaries combined with humungous stock option benefits are necessary for the executives to carry on – but we have certainly done what we could to limit costs elsewhere.

"Regrettably we have failed. We have done everything possible to maintain our fiscal integrity. We have scrimped and saved. We have cut away the fat. We have, in fact, cut right to the bone and beyond. However sad it makes me, there is only one thing left to cut. Therefore, I am announcing, we have made the terribly hard decision to cut our front-line workers. Effective today, your employment with our organization is ending. Please collect your personal materials from your desks, say good-bye to one another, and move on with the rest of your lives. We are extremely saddened to have to make these cuts, but it is what it is. Everything happens for a reason and I’m totally confident individuals of your calibre can readily find new employment despite unemployment being at its highest level since the Great Depression. I have absolutely no doubt each and every one of you will triumph over this setback. In any event we need you to vacate the premises by noon because we have movers coming to remove all the office furnishings so they may be sold at auction. Following that, this building will be demolished and a new, eighty-six story condominium constructed in its place. Units will be sold for over eight-hundred thousand and our organization hopes to realize over half-a-billion dollars from this project; so the sooner we can get started, the better it will be for everyone – except for you of course – but a bit of collateral damage is inevitable in a war.

"And make no mistake – this is a war. All corporations in twenty-first century America are engaged in a war of competition – constantly – war with other businesses, war with the environment, war with government regulations rising from bureaucratic swamps like some primeval black-tentacled monster. Our job is to promote shareholder value and this is what we’ll do. We’ll make any sacrifice, take on any challenge, fudge any number of accounts to make certain our shareholders are happy – because without them, we could be joining you in looking for work. So we will gird our loins, sharpen our pencils and make cuts until blood flows in the streets; and, in the end, we will emerge victorious – or at least with parachutes so golden they make the sun dim by comparison.

"Now I understand many of you might feel a certain sense of shock at this sudden turn of events. After all, you’ve lost your job. You’ve lost your income. You may feel as if life itself has turned its back on you. Well all I can say is you’re among the most talented, best educated individuals on this planet. Just think about how much more difficult other people have it. And really – what is a job? There are plenty more fish in the sea and commercial fishing might be a good opportunity for some of you. After all, someone like Fluidman can relate to a watery environment.

Remember, these are difficult times for everyone and what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. And believe me this will make you much stronger than you are today – presuming of course it doesn’t kill you. Don’t think of this as an end. Think of this as the beginning. Think of this as a bright new tomorrow filled with opportunities for personal advancement. You need to get out there and do your best. It doesn’t matter if you win or lose; but what matters is how hard you try. Of course if you do happen to lose you can expect to find yourself living on the street and possibly starving or freezing to death – but that’s all part of the great adventure lying before you. I’m almost envious of the situation in which you find yourselves – almost of course. I wouldn’t trade places with you for all the gold in Fort Knox. Still today you’re unemployed and tomorrow, who knows what you’ll be doing or where you’ll be living? This isn’t the end. This isn’t even the beginning of the end. This is merely the end of the beginning. So thank you again for all your dedication and hard work, and if I’m very unfortunate, perhaps we’ll meet someday somewhere again. Now please go to your desks, clean out your belongings and get the hell out of here.

In the audience a hand shot up.

The CEO looked surprised and said. I’m sorry. I thought I covered everything completely; however, I suppose if a question exists I may as well answer. On what can I possibly elaborate?

Water Ski Man asked, What will receive in the way of severance?

The CEO chuckled. Then he laughed. Then he clutched his sides and tears rolled down his face. Oh man! Do you ever have possibilities for a career as a comedian! Severance! Ha, ha, ha. Oh I haven’t heard such a great joke in years. This is the United States – not Canada. You get exactly one week of notice – one week – nothing more – not one penny more. And if you go to court, the courts will shoot you down. Oh man – severance. You think … he had to stop speaking for a moment to catch his breath because he was laughing so hard. … you think because you worked with this organization for thirty-three years we somehow owe you something? Oh that is rich! That is so rich! Nope, no severance. You’ll get your one week of notice and that’s it. Tough luck kiddo. If you wanted a severance you should have negotiated something like that when you were still of value to us. These days you’re not even worth the cost of chopping you into hamburger and selling the meat. We don’t pay severance in this organization. Of course if we senior people were to find ourselves out of work, the company would have to take out a loan the size of the national debt to pay us off – but that’s us and this is you. Oh my! That was a good one. Are there any other ridiculous questions?

Brute asked, So how will the city function without us to provide protection for the general populous?

The CEO looked puzzled. There won’t be any change. I mean it’s not like our organization is leaving the crime fighting business. True, we’re giving up our headquarters and using the land to secure an incredible profit; but that doesn’t mean we’re going out of, or even changing our core business. We’ve outsourced the roles of superheroes to India where there is plenty of talent and the workers cost only one-tenth of what we have to pay you guys. We’ll accept contracts from the city and from private sources just as before. We’ll still provide our services. It’s just our cost base will decline by a full order or magnitude. As a result, our profits, and, by extension, executive profit sharing, will go through the roof. Is there anything else?

Major USA asked, Will we be provided with any post-employment support?

The CEO looked sad. Unfortunately there is a government regulation stipulating we must provide all employees above a certain level with Outplacement Services. It is a horrible waste of money - but there you have it. Yes, all of you will receive notification in your exit package regarding this service. It’s provided by a company called Bright Management and they provide a full range of consulting and management services. They also cost a flipping fortune, so you should be grateful every day of your lives for the government idiots who passed this odious regulation into law. Now, if there are no further questions I’ll thank you to get out of here so we in management can start our champagne celebration.

Well I guess that’s that, said String Man as they sadly walked from the building. It hadn’t taken long to collect their few belongings and small cardboard boxes had been provided.

So what are you going to do now? asked Brute.

It was Fluidman who answered the question. I’m tempted to get roaring drunk, but I don’t think that would help much and whenever I get drunk I tend to leak. My landlord warned me one more flood and I’m out; so I guess all I can do is sign up for this management assistance and try to survive somehow. How about you?

My uncle owns a scrap metal yard in the Bronx and sometimes his crusher breaks down, so I can get the occasional job from him, but that won’t last long. I’ll need to get a real job as soon as possible.

As they were talking, another meeting was taking place on the other side of town. It was in a sixteen story grey apartment building looking more like a prison than anywhere people might live. However, the monthly rent for a one bedroom apartment was over five-thousand dollars and the criminal agency who rented space in the building occupied five, three-bedroom units. Although, technically they were for residential purposes, no landlord was about to complain about such affluent tenants installing office furniture, phones, computers, a LAN and other accoutrements necessary to running a commercial enterprise. Was this practice illegal? Of course it was. After all, this was a criminal organization, so little less could be expected; however, in a city like New York, and in a borough like Manhattan, few had the time or energy to worry about some zoning infractions. The arrangement was left to stand.

In one of the units some few small renovations had been undertaken unbeknownst to the property owner. These consisted of the removal of a bathroom and walk-in-closet which along with the living room and master bedroom provided a sizable meeting space. At the front was a lectern and comfortable chairs were arranged for the audience. Some might have preferred raised seating, so those in the back could more readily see – but the apartment was not really designed for that sort of thing and no-one had bothered to install risers.

This meeting went much like the one attended by the superheroes. A team of grey-suited men assembled at the front and the CEO started by thanking those in attendance for their diligent service over the years, went on to complement them on their ingenuity and general villainy, and proceeded with a discourse to the effect crime wasn’t paying and future efficiencies would be required. In this case however, the CEO making the presentation was a highly-skilled speaker and unlike his counterpart across the city, who managed only nine platitudes in his speech, this one achieved a full twenty-seven and might have gained recognition in Guinness had anyone been taking an official tally.

The upshot was the same in both cases. Everyone was out of a job. The offices would be closed and relocated elsewhere. The furniture would be sold off and the workers needed to pack up their personal materials and vacate the building. For this initiative, the senior executive would receive large bonuses and the workers would receive the bare minimum required by law. However, sadly the law required the company to provide management outplacement services; so they, too, had signed a contract with Bright Management no matter how much it hurt.

There was one difference between the two meetings. In the case of the criminal organization, the management had seen fit to invest in orange juice so each attendee had a cup prior to the meeting. That way they would be more able to understand how management had their best interests at heart and now would they kindly be quick about shoving off.

Being located as it was, on Riverside Drive, those exiting the building with their little boxes – or, in some cases, small backpacks, wandered across the road to the park – not so much because they liked it or cared for nature. It was just the park was nearby and those who suddenly found themselves out of work were in more than a little shock. They found benches, and sat in small groups discussing this most surprising and unwelcome turn of events.

I really don’t see how it can work, said Big Boss to Snow Sprite, They say they’re giving all our jobs to villains in India – but are these guys going to commit crimes in New York? If so, how are they going to get here? And even if they do come, they’re bound to have difficulties with Customs and Immigration.

Snow Sprite considered. Well … technically … we are criminals. So maybe they’ll enter the country illegally.

Illegal immigrants? That’s disgusting! The government should pass laws to prevent that sort of thing.

True, but the fact they’re illegal, suggests laws have already been passed. They’re just not being enforced.

First it was Mexicans and now it’s Indians. I wonder if we could build a wall between the United States and India.

Well … there is the Pacific Ocean. It’s not exactly a wall, but it does slow the flow. Still, they may perform their dastardly deeds in New Delhi instead of here. I mean, it’s right there, so they can pretty much do as they want.

But do they even have laws for them to break in India?

Snow Sprite scratched an ear. I expect they do … sort of. I mean, I think they’ve already got lots of criminals of their own; so someone must be breaking the law – and that means there have to be laws to break. Mind you I doubt they have any criminals in our class. Still, what they lack in quality they seem to make up for in quantity. The problem is, as I see it, if they outsource the jobs of super villains to people in India, who’s going to stop them? After all, when we go to commit a crime, some superhero always comes along to save the day. That’s just the way it is. However if the superheroes are here, and the villains are there, how is that going to work? Oh I know some of our superheroes have super speed and could traverse the globe in a few seconds; but still, it seems like a long way to go just to fight a bit of crime. On the other hand, if they don’t go, there’s going to be a big mess when the super villains start getting away with their crimes.

Yeah, and do you think those guys can be villainous enough?

Snow Sprite nodded. Now there you’ve identified a real issue. I mean we’ve had twenty, thirty, some even forty years of experience. We know this super villain job inside and out. We can provide the best service for our customers. No-one ever says New York Super Villains don’t do a good job. We’ve got talent, creativity, and just plain decent guys who are willing to go that extra mile to perform a good caper. Are they willing to do that, or will they expect to work nine-to-five? And look, we don’t get paid overtime, but they still say we’re too expensive. I don’t think management really understands what’s involved in this business.

Some distance away, Baby Troll, Dark Shark and Groundling were having a similar discussion.

Frankly I think they cooked the books, said Baby Troll.

Not necessarily, replied Groundling flicking the hair away from her face, My cousin often travels to India on business, so I have some idea regarding the currency exchange rates. A rupee equals just one-point-five cents. That means, if we’re getting paid say, eighty thousand dollars a year and you give some guy in India eighty-thousand rupees, then you’re actually paying twelve-hundred dollars. That’s nothing – so they’d be saving almost all of our salaries.

Dark Shark shifted her bag so it was more comfortable. Yeah, but it can’t possibly work like that. I mean, sure, they get paid in rupees; but they’d probably have to pay them about five hundred thousand so the difference would be miniscule.

Do either of you know how much it costs to live in India? asked Baby Troll. She wondered if maybe a move was in order.

I expect it depends on where you live. If you live in a luxury condominium it’s going to be way more expensive than if you live in the slums of Calcutta.

What do you think people get paid in India? asked Groundling.

There was silence. None of them knew. Then Dark Shark took out her cell phone and said, I’ll look it up.

Half-a-minute later she continued. "It says here