Facepalm: The Stupidest Things Ever Said (Ever)

By Matt Reid

Sadly, not everyone is fortunate enough to receive a proper, well balanced education growing up. Some though, are – not that it guarantees an intelligent adult forming at the other end...

Showcased within are genuine quotes. Warning: may cause an urge to book a plane ticket off this planet through sheer despair. I’ll take the window seat...

• Language: English
• Publisher: Matt Reid
• Release date: Aug 16, 2017
• ISBN: 9781386614067

Book preview

INTRODUCTION

The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.

Albert Einstein

Sadly, not everyone is fortunate enough to receive a proper, well balanced education growing up. Some though, are – not that it guarantees an intelligent adult forming at the other end... 

The following are genuine quotes. Gathered from various sources (a fair few firsthand), I hereby showcase the dumbest of the dumb in all their dumb dummity.

Warning: may cause an urge to book a plane ticket off this planet through sheer despair. I’ll take the window seat...

FACEPALM

The stupidest things ever said (ever)

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I didn’t get the nose job for me, I got it so my kids wouldn’t be born with big noses.

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If you want to start a bar brawl do you throw a thing or a person?

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I don’t worry about the price of petrol increasing, I only ever put twenty pounds in at a time.

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Is the Colosseum in Rome? Forgive me, I’m not very good at Geometry.

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It’s true. Nobody in Toronto eats Bacon. Why would I lie?

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If Antarctica’s closer than the moon, then how come we can see the moon but not Antarctica?

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Is a concentration camp for people with ADD/attention deficit disorder?

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But it can’t be silverware. It’s a gold fork.

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If the product label say’s ‘don’t use if seal is broken’, what’s the point in even buying it? How’s a person supposed to open and use the thing!?

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My spelling isn’t that bad, I don’t see why people ovary act.

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Goodbye America, hello New York!

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Worker 1: I didn't know animals got cancer; I thought it was only humans?

Worker 2: I think it’s only the intelligent animals.

Worker 3: I thought it was just mammals?!

Worker 1: So if I ate an animal with cancer, would I get it?

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This elevator is so stupid it has a button for the floor I’m already on!

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Apparently they have earthquakes on Mars.

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How do twins tell themselves apart?

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Is Rabbi the plural of rabbit?

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'Yeah so Stephen Hawking, he’s like one of those people who uses more than 10% of their brain. That’s why he’s in the wheelchair."

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I thought the earth was round?

It is.

Then why is it flat on the map?

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I’m not a Christian, I’m a Catholic.

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How do you speak Muslim?

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What’s the French word for entrepreneur?

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My favourite book is James and the Giant Peach by Charles Dickens.

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Heads.

No fair! A coin lands on heads more than it does tails!

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This water’s wet.

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Abusive men don't kill women because I have been in an abusive relationship and I'm still alive.

~

"I’m never having kids, but I definitely