Make Peace with Your Mind: How Mindfulness and Compassion Can Free You from Your Inner Critic

By Mark Coleman

The inner critic is the voice inside our heads reminding us that we are never “good enough.” It’s behind the insidious thoughts that can make us second-guess our every action and doubt our own value. The inner critic might feel overpowering, but it can be managed effectively. Meditation teacher and therapist Mark Coleman helps readers understand and free themselves from the inner critic using the tools of mindfulness and compassion. Each chapter offers constructive insights into what creates, drives, and disarms the critic; real people’s journeys to inspire and guide readers; and simple practices anyone can use to live a free, happy, and flourishing life.

• Language: English
• Publisher: New World Library
• Release date: Oct 15, 2016
• ISBN: 9781608684311

Mark Coleman

Mark Coleman is a senior meditation teacher at Spirit Rock Meditation Center, an executive coach, and the founder of the Mindfulness Institute, which brings mindfulness training to organizations worldwide.

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PART ONE

THE CRITIC: THE BIG PICTURE

CHAPTER ONE

CHANGE IS POSSIBLE

Neuroplasticity and the Power of Choice

It’s not what you say out of your mouth that determines your life, it’s what you whisper to yourself that has the most power.

— ROBERT T. KIYOSAKI

When I first woke up to the fact that you can change your mind, I was blown away. And I don’t just mean change your mind about a decision, but make a radical shift in how you think and feel. You can actually give your own mind a makeover.

I remember reading my journals from my late teens a while ago, and they read like a monologue of despair. I felt strangely sad and caring toward that teenager who was so lost in the negative swirls of his own mind. He did not know that change was possible; he felt lost in his negativity and cynicism. He was unaware that his pain would be the beginning of a search for answers, for tools and techniques that could lead him out of this pit of woe.

Luckily for him — for me — I stumbled on the pragmatic practice of mindfulness meditation. It seemed to offer a way out. Not an easy or quick path, but nevertheless a way through the dangerous jungle of my inner world.

Mindfulness practice, though it has been around for thousands of years, has at its root a principle that has only recently been discovered by neuroscience — neuroplasticity, or the capacity of the brain to change and grow depending on what it pays attention to and how its attention is focused. This is the good news of human development: Our brain is not a fixed machine. On the contrary, it is dynamic, responsive, and capable of shifting, growing, and developing healthy habits that support happiness.

I didn’t know back in those tormented teen years that I had a choice. That the programming I had inherited and learned was just that — programming. I hadn’t yet realized that I could rewrite the code. That fact that I could hack my own brain turned out to be nothing short of a miracle.

What gives us that ability is mindfulness — the self-awareness that helps us understand the inner workings of our own minds, our programming. Mindfulness returns to us the power of choice, particularly when it comes to our mental habits and choices.

It was the practice of mindfulness that made me aware of the tyrannical self-judgments that were making my life miserable. I could see with a newfound perspective how hard I was on myself. I saw what impossibly high standards I had set for my life.

I also saw how this habit of faultfinding didn’t just apply to me. I held everyone else under the same negative microscope. So, naturally, I was quite obnoxious to be around as a young man! I was idealistic, but with my mental sword I would slay everyone who didn’t live up to my impossibly high standards and expectations. It was no fun, for me or for them. (I’m still apologizing to my family for putting them through that.)

So how did I change these patterns? For one thing, I realized that, due to their sheer number, the judgments flying my way were not about to stop anytime soon. Anyone who has tried meditating will know it is impossible to stem the tide of thoughts. But I saw that I didn’t need to give them the attention they were demanding. And I certainly didn’t need to believe them. I needed to heed the advice from a bumper sticker I often see in San Francisco today: Don’t believe everything you think.

I also realized that we can choose to focus our awareness on any number of things at a given moment. I realized that I didn’t need to keep feeding the judgments with my attention. That I could turn my gaze elsewhere at my own bidding — to my body, or breath, or the beautiful blue sky, or the sounds of birds, or even traffic — and it felt liberating.

Neuroscience tells us that what we pay attention to can change the structure of the brain. Neuroscientist Donald Hebb’s discovery in 1948 that neurons that fire together wire together has become a foundational scientific principle that allows for inner transformation. If I continue to give negative thoughts attention, then of course they grow in importance. If I stop giving them the time of day, then they have less room to take root and