The Cooking Show: A Play by Ray Z Rivers

By Ray Z Rivers

Mario is a retired teacher who has become a 'famous' chef on the food network (Mario’s Marvelous Meals) but his wife Betty can't stand his cooking or the other things he has started to do since retiring. Mario learns that his health is failing so takes Betty on a frantic journey to the home of fine food, France, where he secretly hopes to join with famous French chefs in their kitchens.

The couple start their trip with a visit to the oldest inn in France,- the one where Julia Child first experienced the joy of French cooking many years earlier. Mario ignites a confrontation, complaining about how his fish has been seasoned and ends up being tossed out on his ear, leaving the couple tired and hungry for the long drive to their hotel in Paris. Betty just wants to settle down for the night with room service but Mario has to leave for a pre-arranged liaison in the Latin Quarter with his sexy sous-chef, Jessica, who had blackmailed him into secretly bringing her along.

Mario returns to his hotel room in the early hours of the morning and wakes his sleeping and very unhappy spouse, whom he inflames even more with accusations that she was at fault for his philandering. Betty comforts him to sleep with a specially concocted hot chocolate and he goes down for a very long sleep. Betty leaves Mario’s body in Paris and flies back to Toronto to take up his show, which she renames Betty’s Bread Basket.
“Mario was a victim of his own cooking. You should be arresting Mr. Sifto Salt,” she tells the officer who calls her in for questioning. This delightfully funny one-act play ends with a high note as Betty is wheeled off and her own sexy sous-chef, Randy, is scrambling to figure what to do without his mentor.

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: Nov 23, 2012
• ISBN: 9781624885112

Book preview

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Scene 1

Mario’s Marvellous Meals

The scene opens in a kitchen studio set in the recreation room of the home of Mario and Betty d’Angelo, a couple in their late 50’s or early 60’s. Mario is of Italian origin and Betty is ethnically East Indian Muslim. 

Mario, dressed in a white chef’s jacket and chef’s hat with black slacks, is standing behind a kitchen counter on a slight angle at centre downstage – to his left and upstage is a small café table, two chairs and a futon couch.  The counter has pots and cooking utensils and a giant salt and pepper shaker on it.  Below the counter and not visible to the audience is an oven.

Betty, in a business dress or suit, is in the audience at the rear watching.  She approaches as the scene opens, eventually climbing the stage at stage left.  There is a camera on a tripod and a cameraman at the extreme downstage right and to balance that, a guitar on a stand at stage left. 

Mario is behind his counter holding a beefsteak in his hands as the lights rise and the Cameraman starts his count.

Cameraman: Five, four, three, two (gestures the number one with his hand)

Mario: (focusing on camera) It is important to season your steak before you place it on the fire – to get all that flavour out.  Mmm.  Today I am using my favourite homemade BBQ sauce as both a marinade, before we hit the grill, and as a barbie sauce, once we are there.  I always like to add a little salt and pepper to my steak, of course, before tossing the beauty on the heat.  (grabbing a handful of salt and pouring it on the steak)

Let’s recall how we made the sauce.  (lifting each item as he speaks)  I took half a cup of ketchup, a couple of shakes of Worchester sauce, a half cup of E.V.O.O., a big squirt of prepared mustard, 2 tablespoons of molasses, 2 tablespoons of brown sugar,  a tablespoon of wine vinegar, a couple of teaspoons of garlic and onion powder and some salt and pepper of course.  I mix this all together and heat the mixture at a medium heat in a saucepan until the sauce is thoroughly smooth - about ten minutes - then cool it down to room temperature and….it is good to go.

Next, I cover the steaks with this scrumptious mixture then add some salt and fresh ground pepper for added flavour.  Since we are using rib steaks, and we could easily cook them without marinating if we wanted to, we’ll just let them sit in the sauce for about 15 minutes….maybe add a touch more salt for taste and we are read…..

Betty:  (walking up he stage and standing opposite Mario confronting him) Hold it - stop there… what the hell are you doing?

Mario:  Betty please – folks this is my lovely wife Betty.  She is at home with me today and watching our cooking show with you from right here in our studio in our home in charming Etobicoke.  Betty and I always love to cook together when we have the chance - and if she is at home to help me.  Although in our house I wear the apron and chef’s hat – right darling…?

Betty:  Yeah, yeah – but what the hell are you doing? – You know I can’t tolerate that much salt in my diet - and nor should your