I Am Not A Monster

By Stephen C. Barns

Join Matt Alder on his struggle to come to terms with his sexuality and his new face of religion, and judgement. It's a powerful story as Matt comes to terms with his past, and forgiveness.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Stephen C. Barns
• Release date: Feb 25, 2017
• ISBN: 9781370476459

Stephen C. Barns

I am an author based in Northern Ontario, Canada. I have cerebral palsy and love to follow my dreams.

Book preview

I’m Not a Monster

Stephen C. Barns

Matt’s mom trailed into his room, searching for him, since he’s been missing for the past 2 days. Matt’s room was the usual normal room, there’s the normal twin bed, normal dresser, the average desk in almost every room, then there’s the transfer pole beside his bed. He was a normal 23 year old man, but with cerebral palsy. Matt lived his life in a wheelchair. Matt’s mom searched everywhere for him, she could’ve called John to see where he was but she used this as an excuse to look through his room. She went through Matt’s dresser, drawers, under his bed, until she went on his computer and found a filed titled: Journal. Matts mother flipped through it, and started getting really into it with every digital page she scrolled through on his laptop.

I got released from prison today. Finally got out of that depressing, plain, grey, cell. Every night you heard people screaming, getting hurt, it was quite terrifying. But you know something worse? The outside. Straight when I got released, I started thinking about my fears. Getting the shit kicked out of me because of the mistakes I made. If I had to put my experience of prison into one word, it’d be depressing. I made mistakes in my life. But nobody, should be put through that. Nobody should have to sit in an empty cell and wait there, for years. I hate myself for what I did. I want to move out of this rotten city Golden Creek. Everybody hates me here. I wish I could disappear and start a new life in a totally different location. I rolled through the gates in my manual wheelchair, and I seen my mother waiting for me. My mother was always there for me. Always smiling, always trying to make me happy and always giving me support when I need it most. She was probably the best mom anyone could ever have. I rolled up through the wet concrete from the rain that fell from the sky that morning, and I gave this woman the biggest hug anyone’s ever seen.

I missed you so much, mom. I cried to her as my face was smudged against her shoulder.

I missed you too Matt.. 1 year was too long. are you okay? She asked.

No, let’s just go home.

So there we were. Back to living the life, sitting in front of a television in the living room. We both didn’t really talk. It was really silent, and calm. The only thing that was being remotely noisy at all was the television. It was nice. But no matter the sound, no matter the silence, no matter the amount of noisy people in a room would distract me enough to forget what I did. What I did was wrong, and I know it was. I regretted every second of it. I don’t know what’s wrong with me but I don’t see myself getting any better.. just worse. All my friends, all the people I knew, gone. They all hate me with a passion and if I ever would get the idea of leaving this house (which I don’t plan to ever) I would get judged more than everything terrible that happened in the world bundled together like an elastic ball. I haven’t and never will forgive myself.. my plan for life, is really short. If you get what I mean. I don’t deserve to live. I don’t see the point if I just sit here in this shitty place.

He told me he cant say anything to anyone that he cant say to himself, Joan said to herself as she was reading through his journal on the computer. I just want him to be happy... she cried quietly.

Matt woke up the next morning, on the couch. Empty beer bottles surrounded the wrinkled brown couch, and matt was seated right on top of it snoring like an animal. Matt's mom walked into the room, and this look of frustration appeared on the woman's face.

Matt! you said you were done drinking! Joan yelled as she tapped on Matt to wake him up.

Mom.. please. Matt groaned as he rolled over to ignore her.

You do know John is coming today in about - Joan checks her watch and sees the time as 9:30 AM 30 minutes Matt!.

Who the fuck is John? Matt questioned.

He's john? John the priest? Remember he's coming in every week to be your councillor. Joan reminded him as she started taking the blankets off of him and folding them the perfect way that moms do.

What's the point. Nothings ever going to change the way I feel. I hate it here, I want to move mom. Can we move? Matt asked.

What do you want to eat? Joan yelled from the kitchen. Matt just groaned, and just decided that there's no point in arguing with girls, they're always right. He thought about going to shower, but then he just figured, what’s the point, who was he trying to impress. All Matt did to get ready for the visit was get into his chair, and get a coffee. Him and his mother were sitting on the dinner table then knocks were heard at the door, Matt was terrified. He was not looking forward to this, because he wasn’t comfortable with talking to anyone else besides his mother. Ever since the incident he never trusted anyone else, except his mother.

Come in! Joan yelled through the home.

John opened up the door, to see Matt and his mother at the table. He walked in with his briefcase and jacket on, the kind where it’s all leathery and black, mysterious.

Hello Matt, so this is your first night back home? Your mother told me over the phone. John asked as he put his jacked on the back of his chair and briefcase beside it.

Yeah, yeah it was Matt hesitated.

How was it? It must have been nice to sleep somewhere besides a cell. John asked Matt as he noticed he was acting nervously, so he tried to make him more comfortable.

"It was nice, I don’t remember