Stupid Yoomins

By Phil Gilliver

Are you considering planet Earth for a possible holiday destination this year?

You might want to read this book first. Here, you will find everything you will need to know about the Yoomin race; their rituals, customs, habits and the cute little way they like to try to destroy themselves every five minutes.

It's a beautiful world, enjoy it while you can.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Phil Gilliver
• Release date: Mar 10, 2017
• ISBN: 9781386412519

Book preview

Cover by Peter Wright http:www.peterwrightdesign.com

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Introduction

Are you thinking of going somewhere different for your holiday this year? Well, you can do a lot worse than planet Earth. Then to be frank, you could also do a lot better.

Situated in the Milky Way Galaxy, three planets away from a singular sun, Earth is a delightful little planet boasting a multitude of species, the dominant being a one-headed, multi-limbed, carbon-based life-form called Yoomins.

However, should you wish to travel to this place, perhaps there are one or two thousand things you will need to know about its inhabitants. For instance, although they have achieved so much in the advanced sciences, medicine, technology and the arts, the thing they excel at the most is destroying things, in particular, the singular most important thing that is sustaining their life-force, the world under their less than three, feet. 

So, what makes the domineering life-form of this promising world, this way? Why are they so destructive? Perhaps we may find subtle clues to this, by examining the behaviour patterns in everyday life of these fascinating beings. But, let us not be judgemental in our study. Let us take a mere apathetic glimpse into their world, and without applying any prejudice, study the behaviour of these, how should I put it?  Paranoid, egotistic, xenophobic, angry bunch of avaricious, self-destructive bastards, and make up our own minds afterwards.

The Earth

If we are to begin at all, let us do so with the planet on which these Yoomins exist. Formed 4.543 billion years ago, planet Earth began as a great fireball and then was a sphere of ice, before it became inhabitable. When it had finally cooled down to a temperature suitable for supporting life, it did so, with the potential of being a perfect, clean and empty canvas for anything with the slightest crumb of intelligence, to paint in wonderful colours, whilst maintaining some kind of harmonious relationship with it.

In time, it was nature itself which did the painting, and in no time at all, the landscape was engulfed in lush green grass, tall trees and the odious of all flora. One could say, that nature achieved its part of the agreement, and quite often someone did.

The first life began in its oceans, and some might agree that it should have ‘bloody well stayed there, and given something else a decent go at it’. Then thinking about it, as a race that started off their evolutionary history as globules of mucus floating in the water, contemplating what to do with the rest of its life, perhaps one really shouldn’t expect much.

As for the origins of the Earth and how it came to be has been a matter of debate for many hundreds of years. In fact, it has been said that the debate has been going on long before the Earth itself was formed.

The debaters fit into two camps; those who believed it was hand-crafted by a supreme being with a penchant for converting dirt into living people, and those who much prefer the idea that there was at some point in time, an almighty explosion, resulting in there being, numerous balls of rock spinning around in space, waiting to be appreciated by intelligent life-forms.

Whichever side you find yourself on, In the end, there was an abundance of life in many shapes, sizes and abilities. Whichever idea you ascribe to, there is a more common belief, that it was all just a whoever is first to locate and destroy the smallest known particle you can find, owns the planet competition, and as all of the other animals were too busy being happy with their lives and generally getting on with things to even think of competing, the Yoomins won.

The same two camps who disagree about the formation of the Earth, are exactly the same way as to how it was they themselves came to be. Once, they all agreed that an invisible giant being in the sky, moulded two people out of clumps of mud, which could actually explain quite a lot when you come to think about it. Everyone was happy with this, asking the sky for favours on a Sunday, and blaming it whenever something went wrong, and all that. Then came a man who said that everyone was really an ape anyway, and even though it could be argued that the evidence was right before their eyes, they mocked him for his words, saying he was a complete lunatic, and by the way, all your evidence is just fine, are you made? Believing something you can’t even look at in the face?

By evidence I mean, the man who discovered this, actually looked like some sort of mutated bearded  macaque with a