Correctly Political Fairy Tales Compendium: Correctly Political Tales, #1

By Gregory Inkelaar

For the first time, Correctly Political Fairy Tales and More Correctly Political Fairy Tales are available in one single volume, with some new tales added to the mix.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Gregory Inkelaar
• Release date: Jan 19, 2017
• ISBN: 9781386771326

Book preview

Rumpelstiltskin: A Conservative Tale

There once was a miller that was very poor.  Come to think of it, this being the dark ages, this probably happened more than once.  For the purposes of this tale, once will suffice.  Anyway, this miller had a beautiful daughter, and one day he had an idea on how to gain some status for her.  The miller had obtained an audience with the king.

Greetings.  What brings you here, miller?  the king asked.

My mule.  the miller replied.

I meant why are you here, smart ass.  the king stated.

Oh...I mean, oh great king, I have the most wonderful news.  I have a beautiful daughter, who is sweet and kind and pure, and just last night, she learned how to spin straw into gold.  the miller said.

Straw into gold?  Are you sure?  the king asked.

I would swear my very life on it, your majesty.  the miller replied.

And so, the king had the miller and his daughter executed, to keep them from devaluing the gold market. And they lived happily...wait a minute.  Something's not right here.  This is supposed to be the story of Rumpelstiltskin after all.  Let me check my notes and get back to this one later.

Snow-white and the Seven Dwarves

One day, in the middle of winter, a queen was walking through her garden with her pet raven on her hand.  Yes, the queen was walking outside in the dead of winter with a bird.  I know it doesn't make any sense, but the original version of this story had her sewing next to an open window, and that hardly makes sense either.  Seriously, how many people would try sewing fabric next to an open window in the winter time?  And since when does a queen do her own sewing?  Sorry, I'm getting sidetracked.

Anyway, the queen was walking through her garden, when her raven scratched her hand.  Three drops of the queens blood fell into the snow.  As the queen looked at the drops of blood on the snow, she said to herself...well, if we're being honest, the first things she said were some things that are pretty much unprintable, mostly directed at her bird.  When the pain subsided, she said to herself:

Oh, if I only had a little child, I should like it to be as fair as snow, as rosy as the red blood, and with hair and eyes as black as ebony.

Soon after this, the queen had her raven shot.  Later, she had a daughter who was very fair, with rosy cheeks, and hair as black as ebony.  Her eyes were brown, because let's face it, black eyes would just look creepy.  She was named Snow-White, because even good parents can be cruel sometimes.  At the birth of the child, the queen died.

One year later, on Snow-White's first birthday, the king took another wife.  She was very lovely, but also very vain.  So vain, in fact, that she could not bear the thought of someone being more beautiful than her.  For this reason, she had a magic mirror hung up in the castle.  When she stood before it, she would say:

"Mirror, mirror on the wall,

Am I the most beautiful of all?"

To which the mirror would reply:

"We've been over this a hundred times,

There's no such thing as 'the most beautiful of all'.

Everyone has a different idea of what 'beauty' is.

I can only tell you who YOU think is..."

The queen would then stamp her foot on the ground and say:

"MIRROR...MIRROR...ON...THE...WALL,

AM I THE MOST BEAUTIFUL OF ALL?!"

To which the mirror would give an irritated sigh and respond:

"Young queen, thou are so wondrous fair,

none can with thee at all compare.

Happy now?"

Then the queen would walk away contented, for she knew that the magic mirror would only speak the truth...with a little persuasion.

As the years went by, Snow-White grew up, and she grew more beautiful with each passing day.  When she reached the age of eighteen, the people of the kingdom...yes, I know she was seven in the original story, but I'm changing it.  Having people talk about how beautiful a seven year old girl is gets into some creepy territory.  Anyway, the people of the kingdom began to talk about her, and say that she might be even more lovely than the queen.  The queen was not worried in the slightest, until one day, when she went to the magic mirror and said:

"Mirror, mirror on the wall,

Am I the most beautiful of all?"

To which the mirror replied:

"You know,

we've been going through this every day for a very long time.  You know I'm just going to...

Wait a minute. 

For some reason,

I'm seeing that Snow-White is the most beautiful of all."

To which the queen replied:

WHAT?!  That albino?!

To which the mirror replied:

"She's hardly an albino.

Still, this is odd.

The only way that I should see someone else

As more beautiful is if you were attract..."

But the queen, in a jealous rage, had stormed out of the room.  As the days grew on, the queen's jealousy grew more and more.  Finally, when she could stand it no longer, she sent for a hunter that lived near the forest.  She said to him, Hunter, I want you to get rid of that wretched child.  Take her out into the wood and kill her.  When she has been slain, put her heart in this box.  The queen then handed the hunter an ornate wooden box.

Let me get this straight,  the hunter said,  You want me to murder the crown princess of the land?

Yes.  the queen said.

Why?  the hunter asked.

Because my magical mirror tells me that she is more beautiful than I am.  the queen replied.

You're telling me that you talk to a mirror, it told you that the princess is prettier than you are, and so you have to have her killed?  Is that about right?  the hunter asked.

Yes.  the queen replied.

Have you considered seeking psychiatric help?  the hunter asked.

I'll tell you the same thing I told my mirror; I'm not talking to some shrink when I have a perfectly good magic mirror.  the queen replied.

What of the king?  the hunter said, What does he have to say about all of this?

But the queen...you know, I just realized something.  What did happen to the king?  The original story never mentions him at all after marrying the evil queen, which is very odd because you know he would have something to say about his wife having his only daughter killed in the woods.  After all...sorry, I got sidetracked again.

But the queen would hear no objections, and sent the hunter out to his grisly task.  The hunter took the child to the wood; but when he took out his knife and prepared to plunge it into Snow-White's heart, he could not, for he was entranced by her beauty.

Run away, child,  the hunter said,  If you do not, your mother...

Step-mother.  Snow-White stated.

Right, step-mother.  She will have you killed.  he said.

Why would she do that?  the child asked.

This a fairy tale.  Do you really think she needs a reason to have her stepchild murdered?  he replied.

Good point.  she said, and she ran into the woods.

The hunter, frightful of the queen, captured a wild boar and slaughtered it.  Then, he put the boar's heart into the box and presented it to the queen.  The queen was very pleased that the one rival to her beauty had been dispatched.

But the poor child, lost and alone in the woods, was very frightened.  She ran over sharp rocks and through thorny bushes.  She ran until her feet were sore.  When evening came, she found a little house in the woods.  As she approached, she found that the door was open, and there was no one at home.

The house was tiny, but everything in it was neat and orderly.  In the middle of the room was a small table with seven chairs.  On the table were seven plates, cups, forks, and knives.  By the wall, there were seven little beds.

Snow-White, being hungry and thirsty after running through the woods, ate a little food from each plate and drank a little from each cup.  Afterwards, she went over to the beds so that she could go to sleep.  After trying some of the beds, she finally found one that she thought was comfortable, and fell fast asleep.

A few hours later, the masters of the house came home.  They were seven little dwarves, who toiled each day working in the mine up in the mountains.  They lit the lights and gathered around the table, where they noticed that the room was not as they left it.

The first dwarf asked, Who has been eating from my plate?

The second dwarf asked, Who has been drinking from my cup?

The third dwarf said, Somebody's been eating my porridge, and they ate it all up.

Wrong story, stupid.  the fourth dwarf said.

The fifth dwarf decked the sixth dwarf.  You took my fork again!

The sixth dwarf kicked the fifth dwarf.  I did not!  You took my knife!

As the other dwarves began their daily fight, the seventh dwarf took a look at the beds along the wall.  There, he found a young girl sleeping in his bed.  He called to the others, who ran over to see the sleeping child.  Oh, what a beautiful child! they said to each other.  She was sleeping so peacefully that they did not have the heart to wake her.  Each of the dwarves went off to their own bed to sleep, while the seventh dwarf slept in one of the chairs at the table.

When the girl woke in the morning, and saw all of the dwarves, she screamed.  When the dwarves finally got her to put a sock in it, they asked her name.

I am Snow-White.  she said.

What are you doing here?  one of the dwarves asked.

And so she told the dwarves all that had happened up to that point.  When she finished, the dwarves briefly spoke with one another.  If you would like, said one of the dwarves, you can stay here with us.  We could use someone that can cook, clean, and sew our clothes.

Are you crazy? Snow-White asked,  I'm a princess!  I don't know how to do any of that!

Well,  said one of the dwarves, do you at least know how to mine?

I've never tried it before.  Is it hard to learn? she asked.

Not at all.  We can show you how.  the dwarf responded.

And so, for a great many days, Snow-White and the dwarves left to mine in the mountains, and would return late in the evening to eat and sleep.  It took her a while, but soon Snow-White learned all there was to know about mining.

Meanwhile the wicked queen, who had been so relieved upon hearing of Snow-White's death that she had not consulted her magic mirror in days, one day approached her mirror and said:

"Mirror, mirror on the wall

Who is most beautiful of all?"

To which the mirror replied:

"It's still Snow-White.

You know she's still alive, right?

She's out in the woods living with some dwarves."

To which the queen angrily responded:

"What?!  Why that little...

Wait a minute.

If Snow-White is alive, who's heart is in this box?"

As the queen opened the box and showed the contents to the magic mirror, the mirror replied:

That's a pig heart, jackass.

To which the queen replied:

"A pig heart?  That miserable hunter.

When I get my hands on

JACKASS?!"

To which the mirror wisely remained silent.

The queen sat for many days and nights, pondering what to do about Snow-White.  All too soon, she came up with a wicked plan.  She whitened her hair, wore heavy makeup, and stole one of the castle servant's old clothes.  With this disguise, she knew she would not be recognized. 

She left the castle, and made her way to the house where the seven dwarves lived. When she arrived, she knocked on the door and cried, Goods for sale.  Beautiful goods for sale.  When no one answered the door, the queen knocked and yelled louder.  Eventually, the queen grew tired of yelling and knocking.  She wrapped up a magic corset in wrapping paper and left a note on it that said For Snow-White.  The queen then returned to the castle.

When evening came, Snow-White and the dwarves returned to house and found the package sitting in front of the door.  She hurriedly opened the package with great excitement, only to be disappointed upon finding the corset.

A corset?  What the hell would I do with that?  she said as she threw the corset away.

A few days later, a wolf happened to find the discarded corset.  As the wolf started sniffing the corset in curiosity, the corset wrapped around the wolf's snout, constricting it.  The panicked wolf fled deep into the woods, desperate to find a way to free itself.

The wicked queen, having enjoyed a few