Physics for Men: The Science Behind Being a Guy

By P.R. Kelt

You think a real guy leaves everything up to chance? Don't count on it. It might seem like his every action is unplanned and unintentional, but that's not the case. Everything he doesfrom firing up the grill to avoiding taking out the trashis thoroughly calculated before he does it. It's not rocket science. It's guy physics.

This isn't the kind of physics they tried to teach you in school. While it does deal with velocity and force and all that good stuff, you can apply it in real life and really reap the rewards. Use it to beat your buddies on the court. Or you can use it to get out of your chores. It even comes in handy when you're working an angle at the bar.

This guide proves a guy in motion will stay in motionas long as that motion is toward a recliner and with a beer.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Simon & Schuster
• Release date: Mar 18, 2012
• ISBN: 9781440526930

Book preview

INTRODUCTION

Sports are fun. Physics is not.

Partying is fun. Physics is not.

Women are fun. Physics is not.

Understood – physics is not fun. But what if you could use physics to have fun? What if all the equations and variables, formulas and principles lead to better odds on the basketball court, better times at the bar, and better luck with the ladies? Then physics is definitely fun.

In this physics re-education, the focus is on what physics can do for you. Forget Ohm and Einstein. This is your time to shine – and get what you want. Things are no longer left up to chance. It’s time to reveal the math and science to perfect your every action (or inaction). Whether it’s acing a serve or serving up a drink like Cruise in Cocktail, the fundamentals are broken down step-by-step and put into terms you’ll understand. It’s not rocket science. It’s guy physics.

And while we’re emphasizing the fun stuff, the science is grounded in reality. You’re still going to use the same concepts and principles tackled in high school. Angles will be calculated, velocities figured, and equations ran. Except this time around, the outcome is more interesting than some metal runner propelling down a track. Instead, it’s figuring out the correct trajectory a piece of popcorn needs to travel in order to land in your mouth, or the proper release angle for a successful shot during quarters. It’s just as involved, just not as boring.

It starts with the applications of guy physics as it pertains to eating and drinking, so you’re all set whether you’re lighting up the grill or putting back a pint. Then chapters on entertainment and sports will show you how to take command of any arena from the Beirut table to the pool table. There’s even a chapter dedicated to doing things around the house – or more accurately, not doing things around the house as it helps you get out of your chores. The section on women reveals picking up ladies is a science, not an art. And while sleeping might seem intuitive, there’s a difference between doing something and doing something well. It’s all topped off with a collection of feats that any man would consider great – from diving off hundred-foot-high cliffs to dealing with mothers-in-law.

Consider this your new textbook for success. The topics covered will give you a well-rounded education in what it means to be a man. And it will teach you that physics can be fun.

EATING AND DRINKING

LESSONS IN THIS CHAPTER

1.a Steal Food from Your Friend’s Plate

1.b Carve a Turkey

1.c Fillet a Fish

1.d Fire Up the Grill

1.e Order and Consume Pizza Without Leaving the La-Z-Boy

1.f Sink a Napkin in the Garbage

1.g Catch Popcorn in Your Mouth

1.h Drink from the Milk Container Without Spilling Any Milk

1.i Down a Pint in One Swig

1.j Pour a Drink Like Tom Cruise in Cocktail

1.a STEAL FOOD FROM YOUR FRIEND’S PLATE

While watching the game, food is a necessity. The more the better. A great way to get more is by poaching the food your bud already has on his plate (that way, you don’t even have to get up off the couch). Obviously, the most delicious foods are the most desirable–and the most protected. Luckily, you have not only the art of surprise in your favor, but also the distraction of the game and the other dudes hanging out. The protection quotient, Pq, tells you how fast and sneaky you need to be. It is calculated as:

where Yum is the desirability coefficient, Sv is the variable for the look of hunger satiation on your bud’s face (on a scale of 1 to 10), and VF is the amount of the desired food by volume on the plate. The desirability coefficient for select foods can be read off the Good Game Day Food Chart determined by T. D. Williams using double-blind, mouth-wide-open taste testing.

Figure 1.1. Good Game Day Food Chart by T. D. Williams

Another important factor to consider is the distraction factor, D. The distraction factor depends on a few items: emotional involvement in the game, Em, as well as the emotional involvement of those in your vicinity. If you can manage the latter, you’ll have no need to calculate further as D will be so large that it will swamp all other considerations. You can go ahead and plunder at will.

Otherwise, calculate D as:

The summation is over the number of friends in the room other than you and your victim.

Emotional involvement, Em, falls on a scale of 1 to 10. For representative values,

We get:

Since D > Pq, you should make an attempt at the item of desire.

Fig. 1.a Steal Food from Your Friend’s Plate.

1.b CARVE A TURKEY

Carving a turkey in the presence of friends and family takes