Cover Girl: The Pain in Shame

By Donmarie Stoffle

'Cover Girl' is a fast moving gripping tale of a cry for love. I was drawn into the amazing testimony of survival and I couldn't put it down. Donmarie opens her heart and exposes her vulnerability in a memorable way. Her cry for love echoed off the pages from the vacant places of her heart. Her search leads her to perfect love, the love of Jesus Christ.

The book paints a picture of the deep need we all have for pure love and acceptance.

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: Oct 1, 2016
• ISBN: 9781886479050

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Prologue

The Dream

My Foundation of Perception

God oftentimes gives dreams to His children, giving them glimpses into the answers they seek. Other times it might be areas that they should be seeking or to be watching out for. These dreams can sometimes be very strange, symbolic in nature, yet filled with significant revelation. The meanings are often hidden within certain sounds, colors, places, animals or characters; each of which may represent a certain profile in order to give a deeper insight into what is being portrayed in such a short span of time. These visions may seem odd by description, but each scene is relevant to the unveiling of a mystery, exposing important insights that we might otherwise overlook. These types of dreams tend to remain with you, continuing to grow as you meditate upon the meaning of them.

With God, it’s all about seeking. The same goes with the meaning of our lives. I have heard some say that they are not seekers or that they are not a seeking church. After meditating on that thought, I felt sad for their perception. If God had not intended for us to seek out the matter, so to speak, He would not hide the answers that seem to puzzle us. He would be more direct and forthwith. Sometimes our lives seem a mystery without significance, but God offers us clues to direct us into greater truths.  Seek and ye shall find truths.

We may find that as time moves forward that our past tends to crystallize, becoming a solid form that we may think un-relevant. Our lives may seem mundane and less purposeful, that is until we visit our unexplained caverns.  It is the place where our burdens are buried deep, a place where even rarer jewels are formed. It is here where God allows our best assets to be buried in places that must be sought out. It’s not a place that’s easily found and to mine its resources is a tedious chore. With a pick and a shovel in hand, we find that this place is hard to quarry, the sweat is profuse and the brow marred before bringing this brilliance to the surface. Not many are willing to look among the ashes, a place often overlooked. To be buried in shame is dismal and unknown untill discovery takes place. To bring these caverns to light, it takes an expedition, perhaps by way of a dream. A dream that leads one to find this fortune called wisdom.

How much better is it to get wisdom than gold!

Yea, to get understanding is rather

to be chosen than silver.

Proverbs 16:16

American Standard Version (ASV)

This vision of the night that I will share with you may seem like a plot from a movie. I have had similar dreams, but never as lengthy and detailed as this one. Rather than skipping about in the usual manner of ordinary dreams, it maintains a constant flow, only changing scenes as they relate to one another. It offers many clues that I may expound upon, which is the foundation of this manuscript, ultimately bringing me face to face with myself.

The need for release of misfortunes will be understood through this child that I share. She has a story that only she can tell. But right now she sits alone, waiting for discovery to take place. It will take a God who can transcend time backward and forward to expose her to herself in a healing manner. This dream I share is filled with crucial fragments, as you will see.

I will discuss each character in the order in which he/she appeared to me in the dream. Their names were not included in the dream; I named them as I wrote down the dream so I could remember the events that occurred therein. I gave each character a Scottish-Irish name since the scenery and tone of the dream somewhat depicted the beautiful regions of these countries. The scenery in the dream flowed with open fields, rolling hills, and paths that were lined with walls made of stone.

The Dream

Slumber had now cradled me in such a way that my mind began to drift, bringing me to an opening scene that began to unfold before me. Appearing in the dream was a child whom I call Shona, meaning God is gracious. In this scene of the night, she was in grave danger, locked away and held hostage against her will. Though it seemed that this dream lasted decades, in truth, it was only a brief mist appearing this one night.

As such stories usually go; there was a person of opposition. I immediately knew him to be the captor. He was rather obscure, sly and crafty. He was also aware that Shona may very soon escape his clutches.

In an attempt to retain her indefinitely, the captor brought in a young boy, whom I call Aulay, meaning family descendent. Shona’s captor used this family member against her to make her feel even more weak and helpless. I was not sure how he managed this, but it held an unexplainable tenor. Shona experienced fear and anxiety growing within her as more and more barriers seemed to fence her in.

There was a sense that she would be openly disgraced because of her own secrets. Shona began to reason that it was not right to expose her so unjustly, and began to search for a way of escape. This place of captivity had beguiled her for too long. A window of opportunity was now about to present itself to Shona, offering her a way of escape from this world of deception and oppression.

Meanwhile, unbeknownst to Shona, there was a young woman, whom I call Mairi, meaning complete, who was searching for a child she did not know. In the dream, Mairi did not know where the child was or why she was searching for her, but she searched for her as if by instinct.

There was also another person, whom I call Eamon, meaning guardian. He was Mairi’s husband and wanted to protect her from opposition and assist her in this quest for understanding.

I will now try to start at the beginning of this dream as Mairi enters the scene. I saw that she was happy because Eamon understood her. He shared his views of the obstacles that hindered her ability to accomplish the tasks she desired. He explained to her that she did not understand herself as God knew her to be.

Despite Mairi having told Eamon about her past anguish, he was able to see her for who she really was. Because of his ability to see her beyond the confusion in her life, Mairi began to trust him. It seemed that it had been hard for Mairi to trust anyone, for reasons I was unsure of. But here she was, sharing her desire to move past all these misfortunes as she rested upon his strong arm.

Because of Mairi’s lack of self-acceptance, she would need to journey back in time to find her truth, the place where Shona lived in bondage. Truths in the form of answers that only a little girl who was still imprisoned could disclose. Mairi had to find and understand her before she could truly be free, this much she seemed to know. Mairi found that she must move forward in order to view these hindrances rightly. On this path, Mairi and Shona were destined to meet; the connection would soon become clear. Approval would be imminent.

The journey that Mairi and Eamon now shared bought them closer to Shona, who was living in the murkiness of her captor’s whims. The girl had grown tired of her bondage and had found a way which she might escape. She had spotted a window ledge just outside her seemingly charming abode. The outer edge of her window towered high above a beautiful yard she had not been allowed to enjoy. She reasoned that there was beauty and peace outside this prison, there had to be more than this place filled with gloom.

In her determination to escape, the girl grasped hold of Aulay, and together they attempted to flee. They scurried out onto the ledge of this fortress, which had enslaved her for so long. Shona slowly, but bravely stepped onto this stone ledge. Her dress has become tattered and her face was smudged with dirt from scuffling against this outside wall. Her hair was tossled by the breeze, which caused locks of her beautiful tresses to fall across her eyes. She abandoned her shoes to keep her toes free, helping her to balance herself along the way. Despite Shona’s fears of falling or being found, she nervously continued on, taking small but hurried steps.

Aulay did not seem to be in distress or appear to be as terrified as Shona as he just followed along. Once they had scaled down the wall of this prison, new dangers awaited them. She had never truly seen the outside of captivity from this perspective. This old mansion where she had been held, appeared to be beautiful with nothing to distinguish it from being anything but grand. It was a place where even the birds seem to feel welcome as they flit about. But this place proved itself to be something it was not.

Inside the fortress, there were no noticeable movements of life, yet there was a sense of horrid secrets that decorated the walls of this place. It was lined with gloomy paintings, representing those who never made it outside its borders. They hung as figures of defeat. It seemed obvious to her that they had been concealed from outsiders for many years.

As soon as Shona and Aulay had finished scrimmaging down, they began to run in a crouched manner across the lawn. She noticed that the place was barred with tall black threads of iron. To compensate for being seen, they stayed hidden among the trees while they determined their escape route. On the other side of the gate, there were uniformed officers guarding the premises. Shona decided that they may help her to escape. If only they knew, she said to herself.

Whisking that thought away, she decided to climb over the barred gate and bypass them altogether. But the children did not go unnoticed as one officer saw her trying to escape. As soon as this officer approached, she began to plead with him to understand and to help her. His hand grasped tightly around her arm, Please, you have to let me go, she cried. He will come and take me back if you do not let me go!

The officer is confused and somewhat skeptical, he removed his hand from the young girl’s arm and lets her speak. But his skeptical look frightened Shona, and in a desperate attempt to flee, she grabbed Aulay’s arm and they bolted through a gate that led to freedom.

Meanwhile, Mairi and Eamon were getting closer to this area that held the truths which had been hidden for so long. The path was about to expose the distress which Shona and Mairi seem to share. Mairi seemed calm, but inwardly, she was fighting feelings of turmoil, disgust, and weakness. Without realizing it, she and Eamon, who now walk hand in hand, approached a door that has been locked away from her for many years.

Time was moving swiftly now and it was too late to turn back.  It seemed that Shona would not let Mairi ignore her as she now pressed forward, fleeing her prison of scorn.

Remember, this is a dream that is lined with unexplained patches that I must piece together to acquire a better understanding, including what I sensed within Mairi and Shona.

As with all revelations, startling things first appear on the horizon, the place one must cross before the truth is known. It is here Mairi and Eamon noticed Shona and Aulay a little further down the path; it is here where chaos was within view, just a short distance ahead.

Shona surged ahead of Aulay and cried out, begging for someone, anyone, to help them. The officer was on her heels insisting that she be stopped because he could not let her go without approval.

Shona ran toward the couple whom she had spotted and fell into the consoling arms of Mairi. Shona was breathless and tried frantically to tell Mairi about what had been happening and her desire to get away. Mairi held Shona and stroked her matted hair. Soon, the guards caught up to her, but they were not alone. Behind Shona strode her captor, who now had Aulay by the collar. The tall slender man slipped past the guards and addressed Mairi and Eamon. She is an unruly child and speaks with a vivid imagination; do not bother yourself with this matter, he said. Shona’s captor, who felt securely concealed behind his façade, forced a ghastly smile. He was dressed neatly in pressed slacks, but he truly reeked of evil. This is a personal matter, the captor continued as he clutched Aulay securely. Again, I ask you to not get involved.

Pleadingly, Shona looked at Mairi and then back at Aulay. I can’t leave him, she said as she pulls away.

Eamon looked to the young girl and then to Mairi. We can’t let them take her! Yet Mairi did nothing to stop Shona from backing away.

It becomes a very conflicting scene as the officer stood there with the captor who has imprisoned Shona for so long. As her captor falsely claimed rights to her. Shona felt a hint of kindness from the officer but it seemed that he could not break from his code of conduct as he was bound by certain laws and regulations.

The captor then stepped toward the young girl, who had now backed away from the couple who had been her only hope. Eamon spoke up, demanding that they let them take the girl and Aulay with them to different authorities and have this matter checked out.

Despite the tenor of the captor, he was not afraid to force the situation. He decided that he must take control and bring Shona back to captivity by adding a gun to the scene which appeared mystically, from out of nowhere. Interestingly enough, the captor pointed the gun toward Mairi, who was clinging to Eamon. It is as if he knew that if he eliminated Mairi, all would be as he desired.

Shona was in front of the captor and Mairi was now behind Eamon, who had scooped her backward. Eamon’s jaw was set in a semi-open position as Mairi uttered something unbelievable to him at that very moment.

The girl, the girl; it’s me! said Mairi. A brief look of skepticism crossed his face as he found himself between the woman and the unprotected child she once was, and both of them were now in danger. Eamon felt at a loss, seeing that he lacked the ability to shelter them both. He stood firm, sheltering Mairi, not knowing what else to do. The girl was now out of his reach since Mairi