My Life of Dreams Part One: Dreams of Life

By Dr Jan L Sorenson

Author’s own story told in a fantasy style. It deals with the childhood to adult years of challenges and life’s traditional expectations while creating scenarios of psychological survival strategies, at the same time discovering more about human dilemmas and ways of overcoming issues related to humanity’s separatist behaviour to each other, promoting unconditional love and acceptance in overcoming the opposites. It encourages the audience and the reader to think and live positively without forming any religious intolerance. Accept, be inspired and live.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris AU
• Release date: Feb 23, 2023
• ISBN: 9781669889939

Book preview

1

Here is the story of a dreamer

Some live dreaming, others dream of living. At the end there remains no substance and the closest one can come up with is that it never was. Is this all there is to it? When you think about it you might also ponder that all our lives, whether lived happily or not, seem more and more like it.

The foam at the seashore only lasts for a short while, disappearing soon after. Also consider for a brief moment the beauty of a candle flame which delicately flickers and dances to its own rhythm. While you eagerly watch, the candle melts and struggles one last time before leaving you in the dark. The flame and candle are gone and your curiosity is awakened, asking where the candle went.

Now consider our lives: born, lived, struggled, learnt, danced and sang a song and done everything one could dream about, hopefully to our heart’s content, now grown frail and old. Youth is gone, dynamism is no more. Hopes, expectations and dreaming continue for a while longer and then suddenly all is over. Is this how we are meant to live? Here now and gone forever. All our thoughts, emotions, dreams and hopes; everything is gone. Is there any hope, a spark of light or any indication that there is something beyond? Could life really be just oblivion and nothing more?

Every time you open a book, it begins anew however when closed it is almost as if it has been never opened. Do you remember everything? When memories are no more what is left and where did it all go?

Our lives are like the ocean waves affected by the ebb and flow, by the changing winds, by the warmth of the sun and the phases of the moon. We, too, move to and fro as we start with little ripples and become great and fierce waves just to end by the shore, then to go back and start all over again. The cycle repeats itself while we sing a song we seem not to know anything of. By the time we learn all about it, it may be a little too late. Someone else may continue to sing and the whole world is once again filled with the music of joy or sadness. Are we altogether gone? Where are we placed within this equation? The drama written ages ago popularly repeats itself into now as with all our pasts and dreams of tomorrow. We call this ‘Life’.

My name is Suren (Søren) and even when I was very young I felt that this name had been given to me for a specific reason. It could have been a ‘password’ for opening certain doors. I cannot be sure. Again, as a child, I felt that it was my name even before my birth. In fact I believed it was not because my mother was recommended by others to do so. As I understand she chose it, yet it might have been the identity of somebody she knew in the past. However I knew my father had no interest whatsoever in naming me. When I was able to formulate words whilst still very young I questioned her but she could not enlighten me. Later, as an adult, I discovered a number of interesting things about my name. It was originally Sanskrit where it meant ‘Lord over the heavenly bodies’. It was Armenian where it meant ‘born of the sword’. It was Nordic, it was Indian, but it was not common. Maybe, just maybe, I started dreaming as soon as I was born. It may therefore be an excellent idea to tell you first about what I have become and where I am today.

What you are beginning to read and discover is all about what I remember and everything I have written about is factual. You might find it interesting or prefer to discard it altogether. You might even choose to call me a ‘dreamer’ as many have done before. It is of no consequence or tragedy. If it is of some benefit to you I will be immensely happy; if not I will not be offended. Some of the things I have spoken or written about may sound like science fantasy but what I remembered and are presenting here are my own memories of the past under no influence from other sources and certainly not based on false memories as some may prefer to think. They contain my own joys, fears, dreams, discoveries and ideals, however you will also find me quoting from other great Thinkers where appropriate in support of my thoughts.

I have made sure to present these memories as I know them to be therefore I hope that they are going to be as exciting and interesting for you to read as they were to me whilst relaying them. I am a Scientist, Researcher, Psychologist, Philosopher and an Artist but I am also an everlasting dreamer! I always hope that good things will happen to people.

Ever since my days as a toddler I was able to feel every expression of existence surrounding me: every sound I heard, every song I listened to, every face I recognised from some time ago. One might say that everything I have experienced was part of my forever dreaming. However the only reality was still me and this ‘me’ was somewhat hidden behind a mask I was using as a vehicle which was to become a major part of existence, expressing my person like the one known to the world.

Frankly I had no choice but keep playing a role, perhaps just as it is with every other human being and even as it was planned. But was there a plan? Why was I here? Nobody it seemed was able to tell me about anything; I simply was. You might still think of what I relay here as if being based upon a false memory after being subjected to a fantasy story when I was very young. Could it be possible to be inflicted with that kind of adult memory when one is about two years of age? My mother used to worry about my mental state until she learnt that I was a very imaginative youngster. Surely I was as normal as any other child of my age, needing to learn to formulate my words and speak of my memories after a certain sophistication in learning. Some friends of my mother apparently spoke about kinds of spirit possessions making ‘the toddler’ speak of adult stories. How would they know? This would have worried her immensely.

Here is what I remember ever since my entry into this world. It seemed that I was first guided to enter a huge tubular structure filled with green fluidic material which felt familiar to me as if it had happened many times before. During this unique process of entry into a different existence I became unconscious for a short period of time. I then began to experience a chaotic dream with no meaning; I was simply there. My memory of being led into a mechanical city of huge proportions with cylindrical structures one could only describe as buildings with windows and beautiful incandescent lights streaming from them was so real. I was fascinated with that huge tubular shaped architecture, yea perhaps some equipment of majestic proportions where others were also guided into. I was not alone. I was informed that my other relative from the same grouping was to follow me a little later. The place was teeming with activity.

Obviously many others were making their way into an adventure of ‘fantasy dreams’ like me. They were to consider it as their actual physical lives in an alien world for a period of time. There needed to be some realism in this so as to experience things as realistically as possible. It seemed I knew where I was going and what to expect on arrival. However it was not quite clear if we were to return back or even if it was part of this adventure. As a result my memory of being born into an unusual world was completely intact. I remembered every struggle, every muffled sound of my mother Shainik (if this was her real name as she was addressed in different languages) as well as sounds other humans made whilst I was still in the womb. I remember others calling her by different sounding names like Shania, Shorna or Shahende before and after my birth. I was entertained with the rhythmic beats of my mother’s heart before my emergence and was aware of every fluid rushing through, all around me.

After all this time I still remember every detail of my new environ, the smiling faces of nurses, the doctors and midwives after I popped out. I recall every detail of activities they were engaged in, even the expressions on the faces of people. There were those who assisted me as a newborn like other newborns, and others helping the mothers, including mine. I felt it to be an interesting but also fascinating dream. I remember my mother’s face, her smiles and her scent so clearly, so different but not unpleasant to what I could recall from aforetimes. Since a new born is not able to distinguish the faces of people under normal circumstances it was an unusual state of consciousness. It felt as if I was outside observing everything. My father was called Katzaros which sounds Greek, perhaps even related to Katzars in olden Liechtenstein, but he was to remain a mystery for a very long time; I was to meet him later as I discovered he was not permitted to enter the room where I was born. In fact I was to learn much later that men were not allowed to be present when their wives gave birth. It was certainly going to be an interesting adventure.

After my birth, according to my aunt and mother as they informed me much later, they threw the umbilical cord to the roof where a big bird, probably an eagle, took it and flew into far distances. According to myth it was believed that whenever this kind of thing happened the newborn would travel abroad when it became an adult. Admittedly, I did. They wrapped my tiny body in tight clothing and tied my legs together so that I could not move an inch in any direction. Would they ever release me from this awful situation I wondered? A little later they did but for a short while but in the meantime my mother was instructed to continue with this practice. At that time I could not understand the verbal expressions used as they were unfamiliar to me. I was yet to learn about them but for now I was only able to comprehend the meaning of emotions in a limited fashion.

This fascinated me a lot, for whatever was expressed as speech and its tonal quality was enough to understand their meaning. I was content. On the other hand often being tied, as I was to experience for a while yet, did not look promising. It was ugly. Later I learnt that it was for my wellbeing as they did not want me to grow either crooked or have bowed legs. They almost always laid me on my back and I gasped for air. I desperately wanted them to know how uncomfortable I felt but could not move any limb or finger. It felt as if I was imprisoned completely against my will.

Then I decided to imitate my mother’s speech, her lullabies and smiles. During this period I do not remember any closeness from my father. He was so distant and only rarely was I able to see his face, and then only when he was agitated. Was he not excited about having a child, or did he at all like me being there? It was never clear to me. Nevertheless I was to learn much about him soon enough!

Interestingly, whenever I wanted to express myself I could not and it was very frustrating. Just imagine for instance that you would love to sit up for a change and could not. In my case being tightly wrapped in clothes, my movements completely restricted, I did not even know if my body would be able to sit comfortably. For now the only thing remaining for me was to observe a small darkly lit corner in a large room. I was so restricted that what I was looking at were couple of walls and a ceiling without knowing what to call them, let alone identify them.

I was placed in a hammock attached by thick strings to the walls, swinging. Ah yes, there was another string on one side of my bedding which my mother was holding. Sometimes she attached it to her big toe. She would rock me from time to time while singing a lullaby to relax me and help me sleep. Her love and closeness were evident; I loved her a lot yet my only reaction and natural responses were through my smiles, my giggles and my contentment. She was also very careful about what she ate and drank; my wellbeing was surely above everything else. However she was a heavy smoker and it not only stung my eyes but also choked me. Again I could do nought else but endure it and when she bathed me in a large tin basin filled with warm water on top of the kitchen bench the soap she used badly irritated my eyes. Her cigarette was always held on one side of her mouth when she was doing things or even resting and her breath smelt like tobacco. She would push my head forward to wash and dry my curly red-brown hair and during that time I had great difficulty breathing.

Next to my rock-a-by-bed was a horrible piece of equipment placed on a shelf attached to one of the walls. Much later I was to learn what it was called, like many other things I had to become familiar with. It was a radio set made of a plastic material with a glass strip on the top and was illuminated with yellow and green lines, dots and numbers. Although I did not know what they were called or what they were for I was fascinated by them. My mother and father did certain things with that radio thing, like changing the sounds or channels with its knobs. While they changed those stations certain sounds or noises were present; they sounded so familiar to me and I loved to hear them but there were also different sounds, some of which they called music and others speech. I got extremely bored with them and frustrated without knowing what they were.

Something had to be done but I could not tell anybody, not even my mother, how troubled I was by those inharmonious sounds unlike the sewing machine she regularly used when creating ladies fashion. All my expressions were interpreted as if I was enjoying them. I was yet to learn that they were radio programmes streaming from Paris, Moscow and Cairo. Occasionally we were listening to Ankara. I could not wait until the next swing when at one stage my arms were free. Several times I tried to grab the black cord with my right hand, finally succeeding. This time I did not let go while my hammock swung back the other way and with that the ugly box making those sounds came flying down. Oh what bliss it was! It was divine as silence fell until of course my mother discovered what had happened. At this stage I found that I could control the speed at which the hammock moved as sometimes it was too fast, needing to bring it almost to a standstill.

Now I could observe things without my attention being diverted and have some peace. I believe that my mother hid what had happened from my father. When I was able to mention these instances to my mother when I was little over two years old she was either shocked or could not believe how I knew. Perhaps she was surprised at what I remembered and did not know how to react.

However even at that early age I was completely petrified whenever I heard my father’s voice. It was awful, full of resent, full of disagreements, full of anger. Whenever I saw his face I thought of imminent danger without knowing the words for it. It felt as if he could end my mother’s and my life then and there. Later I discovered that my mother’s pregnancy was unwelcomed by him. I felt that he wanted to get rid of me yet it was not to be. I was her first born and her world.

I could only think of my father as being an unfortunate man, probably with an unfortunate past. I knew by the tone of his voice that he was not in a good mood, he could only shout at her using some choice ungainly words. I remember how sad she was, crying all the time. She was clearly very unhappy. This might also be why she smoked heavily, apparently after being introduced to such a horrible habit by him. He treated her very harshly, even occasionally hitting her. It worried me a lot and I thought that this was the way life happened here on Earth as if it was something normal. At the time, not knowing any words, I could only have my own way of understanding things. I had to wait until my language skills developed thereby helping me think clearly and more easily form the words in thought.

I can never forget how when I was in my mother’s arms she held me tight to protect me. I could sense how frightened she was, I could even feel her rapid heartbeat. When he angrily shouted at her and swung his huge hands his sausage-like fingers hit her in the face and at the same time hit me so badly that my head was forcibly turned to the other side. It was so painful that the impression it has left in my mental makeup is an ugly one; he was a tyrant. From then on I always wanted him to be gone. Obviously his was an unwanted parenthood, perhaps wanting me to fall and die. That was my only impression of him. I was sad and frightened for my mother’s and my own safety, feeling so completely helpless and lonely without knowing how to name these circumstances. Again I could not express myself nor even make a sound. I was petrified.

Much later I was to learn that they were first cousins. So were they forced into marriage due to their social status or was it due to some other circumstance I was never meant to discover? However if I had a pair of wings I would have flown away from the ugliness which I had to endure. I was yet to find out about my parents’ real backgrounds. I remember only a few words from a long time ago when I was able to understand the language that they were forced to speak, living in a foreign country under duress. They had lost everything they previously owned. Is this not a familiar story we hear about from all over the world? Man still continues with his tribal attitudes. In fact the whole of human history seems to have started in this fashion. No wonder, since the earliest known human civilisation had begun in small units, growing into townships, territories, into larger cities and nations, they all pursued supremacy over others, fighting to have what others had. Herd mentality was born and has remained this way throughout history. Even the stories I was told about my family background reflected this. All my ancestors’ farms and homes were devastated, their friends and relatives killed in the ugliest conditions and they had to wander away from their homes in a bitterly cold winter season carrying whatever they could on a donkey’s back. My mother fell into the snow when she was only a toddler and her mother, noticing much later, went back all the way in the freezing cold and snow storm to find her happily giggling child. I am so glad that she did for otherwise I would not be here or be what I am today.

Some other members of the family had already migrated to places like France where they were offered sanctuary, a place of residence, education and citizenship, the rest of them eventually followed. For some reason my father preferred to remain closer to what he considered to be his ‘rightful home’ hoping that one day he would have the chance to reclaim what had formerly belonged to his family, hopeful to have some wealthy permanency. The place he chose to live was not where he was born. He was offered other opportunities in Europe but his dream always remained that he was to become very wealthy as once before closer to his ancestors’ home. That was apparently his illusional destiny.

My mother had a certain affinity with my uncle who was ill. It seemed he had experienced terrible things in his younger days. He was a professional photographer and lived with his mother until he died as a bachelor, suffering stomach cancer and other medical concerns after being hit by a car. He was only fifty eight. He used to visit us from time to time just to talk to my mother or bring chocolate blocks hidden inside one of his jacket pockets which we children were encouraged to search for. This started my love for chocolate.

My parents’ relatives once had extensive properties somewhere in Eastern Anatolia until the land was taken over by Ottomans when they were said to have been slaughtered for allegedly belonging to ‘Infidels’ or ‘pagans’. Many mass graves can still be found although some biased scholars claim that it never happened. However it has all been proved to be true. Much later I was also shown such an awful place during my visits. They were known as the mass graves of ‘Armenian dogs’. During 1915 and after, they migrated to all parts of the world and a part of their homeland became a permanent state of the Russian Empire. I believe my father was so convinced that because the land was once theirs it could be recovered and in the process he would benefit from his endeavours. It was an impossible dream. However this seemed to be the vision which a few others belonging to his family background also adhered to.

2

Some years ago a Catholic Priest I knew asked me about Armenians – where did they come from, who were they and indeed, where was Armenia? I was very surprised. We talked about Noah’s Ark and the Garden of Eden as mentioned in the Bible and I explained that this was where Armenia was, a part of Eastern Anatolia. But I am unsure why he looked uninterested in what I was talking about.

When considering some colourful aspects of the world’s history studies show that Armenians originally arrived at the Armenian Plateau during the 800 BC. However one asks: where did they really originate from? Were they the offspring of Sumerians for their stories and folklore have similarities with Sumerians of old? Studies show it to be the reality and this is also why a brief observation of their history becomes an excellent idea for they played a major role in humanity’s past. Here is an encyclopaedic story of Armenians where we discover that Persian and Greek Empires have ruled the country for periods of time. They gained complete independence in 189 BC. The great Ruler Dikran II came to power during 95 BC and built the Armenian Empire which extended from the Mediterranean to the Caspian Sea. The Romans defeated him in 55 BC and are said to have ruled Armenia at various periods until the 1400s AD. During this time a number of nations, including Arabs, Ottomans, Mongols and Persians battled with the Romans to gain control of Armenia.

In fact Armenia was the very first nation to accept Christianity during the 300s AD. They defended their religious identity in the Battle of Awarair in 451 against the Persians. The Armenian alphabet was invented during the 400s and they translated the Bible establishing their first University. During the Byzantine rule of the Roman Empire Armenians held significant and very powerful positions in the military, even within the whole of the European continent. When the Ottomans gained control of Armenia many were slaughtered due to their religious identity. Most of Armenia was under the cruel rulership of the Ottoman Empire until their defeat during World War I (1914-1918). Starting with the year 1894 the Ottomans began a movement to completely eradicate Armenians. This campaign was at its peak during World War I. During this time 1,800,000 or more were slaughtered and thousands more fled to other countries. However during 1918 the remaining Armenians defeated the Turkish invading army and established an independent state. During 1920 The Treaty of Sevres was signed by Turkey and the Allies. This way an independent Armenia included most of the Historical land.

However Russia, together with Turkey, invaded Armenia later that same year. The Russians took over Eastern Armenia in November 1920 and made it a Soviet Republic. Russian Armenia joined the republics of Georgia and Azerbaijan in the Transcaucasian Federation in 1922. These three republics were separated later in 1956. During that year Armenia became the Armenian Soviet Socialist Republic. The Soviet government assisted them with their industrialisation. More than two hundred thousand Armenians are believed to have returned from other countries since then.

Many Armenians have gained power and fame not only in Russia but all around the world. To name a few, think about the great composer Aram Khachaturian and Anastas Mikoyan became president of Russia in 1964 and 1965. Previously he had served as the very first Vice-President of the country. He was also the Commissioner of Food Supply and Minister of Trade. He visited the United States in 1936 for the first time and became supply chief of the Russian Army during World War II. He was born in Russian Armenia and was the son of a carpenter. He studied Theology but became a Communist in 1915 and took part in the Russian civil war of 1918-1920. He was also a member of the party’s Central Committee from 1922 to 1976 as well as a member of its Politburo from 1926 to 1966.

Russian designed jet fighter planes were named as Mig. The most advanced type was MIG-21J and was able to fly at supersonic speeds at sea level. Its designers were the Russian Armenian Atem Mikoyan and Mikhail Gurevich in the 1900s. Do you remember the magical voice of Charles Aznavour? In reality his family name would end with ‘jan’ or ‘ian’. Think about Karajan the name of the famous conductor for I have often been questioned about the meaning of his name? Actually almost all Armenian names end with ‘jan’, ‘yan’ or ‘ian’. The word alone stands for ‘the son of’ which is similar to some European names like ‘Stevenson’ or ‘Johnson’.

It still surprises me how some scholarly people can be unbelievably ignorant about the facts of history. Then again, it should not be a real concern in the face of falsified documents of old and denials of the actual reality of past events due to the religious control system of nations. One wonders about how much of Man’s history has been faithfully recorded, let alone correctly presented on an ‘as is’ basis. In my case, like my brother I, too, was ardently encouraged never to question our past or even search for information.

Interestingly, when in Turkey we were expected to learn about the past in a biased way at school emphasising the Ottomans’ history and their great achievements when they invaded other countries. We were also encouraged to think of those invasions as the only truthful records of history. This is when the invading armies apparently introduced good hygiene and healthy practices making, for example, entire European nations painted as completely ‘uncivilised’. In Europe, however, the schooling we were subjected to taught us a different kind of history, showing us who the real uncivilised barbarians were. Who were right and what, indeed, was the correct presentation of history? Why could we not learn all about the true reality of things?

At this point I feel the need to share with you some historic viewpoints as research and study indicates using available data I was familiar from archival literature when referring to facts and my own theories in regard to my parental background. We have been told that the past was unimportant yet we were subjected to history lessons at school. Was this due to having every detail of minority groups not adhering to the religious principles of their nation not deserving to live as human beings and their citizens being wiped off as if they never existed unless they changed their identity, names and religious beliefs? Although Armenians contributed much to their culture as a minority group they were targeted, segregated and literally destroyed as rebels, allegedly presenting a great danger to their government’s stability. Similar attitudes can be observed all around the world under the fanatical dictums of uneducated religious leaders.

We were not surprised to find that there was non-existent documentation proving that we ever existed. We were also not surprised to find only fragmented and doctored documents showing that we ever had a background. My parents did not enlighten us, even about our relations scattered around the world and that could not have been due to my brother and me being incapable of comprehending the intricacies of life although some people of no significance conveniently preferred to think of us as lacking in intelligence.

But let me take you to a different page in history for I believe it is relevant to my parent’s background. I will try to make it as colourful as possible. The earliest inhabitants of the landmass now known as Turkey were the Hittites. Many were said to have migrated from central Asia and parts of Europe into Central Anatolia in approximately 2000 BC. During the following few centuries they conquered most of Anatolia, Mesopotamia and Syria and during 1500 BC they created a great empire. However large parts of Anatolia fell to the Lydians, Phrygians and a few others from ca.1200 to 500 BC. During this period the Greeks established several cities along Anatolia’s Aegean coast. The Persians seized control of Anatolia and Thrace during 500 BC but Macedonian Alexander the Great crushed the Persian Army in 331 BC. As you can imagine, after Alexander’s death in 323 BC Anatolia became a battleground among his successors. Small rulerships rose to power and fell until 63 BC the time when the Roman General, Pompey, conquered the region. Anatolia was finally at peace under Roman rule for about four hundred years.

The Roman Emperor, Constantine the Great, relocated his capital from Rome to the ancient city of Byzantium in Thrace and renamed it Constantinople - the City of Constantine. During 395 the Empire was divided into East and West Roman Empires. Barbarians conquered the West Roman Empire in the mid four hundreds. The East Roman Empire was known as the Byzantine Empire and Byzantine Emperors ruled the region until the late 1000s. The Muslim Seljuks from south-central Russia and northern Mongolia invaded the country and were known to be one of the first Turkish peoples therein. They conquered Armenia, the Holy Land and Iran. In 1071 they destroyed the Byzantine Rule in Anatolia when they defeated the Byzantine Army in Manzikert. They then set up an empire with Iconium as their capital. This city is now known as Konya. From then on the Christian religion and Greek language were gradually replaced by Islam and a form of Turkish language was introduced.

The history enacted around this part of the world has been rich with controversy, battlements and much bloodshed, as well as being a part of Biblical stories. Thankfully more down-to-earth information in regard to the facts thereof is still available in ancient records. Thorough research into the evidence proving the reality of things is like time travel into bygone days and is a worthy consideration when examining the ever-present differences between Turks and Armenians without bias.

However let us consider a few more historic facts, remembering that in 1095 Christians in Western Europe started a campaign setting up military expeditions they called Crusades to drive the invaders from the Holy Land. The first Crusade was during 1096 to 1099. They defeated the Seljuk Turks severely in Western Anatolia but subsequently left the Peninsula to fight in the Holy Land. The Seljuk Empire lasted until 1243 when it was invaded by the Asian Mongols. However the Mongol Empire experienced extreme internal struggles and finally fell apart, thus helping the Turks to expand into Anatolia. During the 1300s a group of them, calling themselves the Ottomans, started to build a different empire. In 1326 they seized the city of Bursa and made it their capital. Whilst all this was happening they conquered two-thirds of Western Anatolia and most of Thrace as well as large parts of the Balkan Peninsula and Greece. The only small part of the Byzantine Empire which remained was in the area around Constantinople.

In 1453 Muhammad II captured Constantinople and ended the Byzantine Rule. This city was later named by the Turks as Istanbul and became their capital. In 1481 their empire stretched from the river Danube to Southern Anatolia. In the 1500s they reached their height. During the reign of Sultan Beyazit II, from 1481 to 1512, the empire became a naval leader in the Mediterranean region. They conquered Syria in 1516 and Egypt in 1517. Suleiman I, known as ‘Magnificent’ throughout Europe, became their supreme ruler from 1520 to 1566. His army conquered much of Hungary during 1526 in the Battle of Mohacs and he expanded his empire to Yemen in the south, Morocco in the west, and Persia in the east.

The Ottomans were extremely cruel to everybody they considered as their opponents and used fear tactics under the influence of the most fanatical viewpoints and superstitions. They demanded ‘submission under the sword’ and engaged in bloodbaths everywhere they went, having no respect for human dignity just the same as a few other nations. Many European innocents have been slaughtered by them.

It is no wonder that Europeans were wary of their expansion. However European forces succeeded in defending the city of Vienna during a Turkish attack in 1529 and their fleets defeated the Turkish navy in the Battle of Lepanto near Greece in 1571. In 1683 the Turks again tried to capture Vienna but failed. During the 1700s the Ottomans became weaker and lost a six-year battle against Russia. They were unable to stop the Russian navy passing through Turkish occupied waters, losing the Crimea peninsula in the Black Sea to Russia in 1783. During the 1800s the Ottomans lost most of their territories.

Greeks and Ottoman Turks were certainly not on good turns and in fact Greek nationalists rebelled against the Ottomans. Great Britain, France and Russia sided with the Greeks and the Treaty of Adrianople, which is currently known as Edirne, ended the fighting in 1878 acknowledging the independence of the Danube. After losing the Balkan Territories the Ottoman Empire continued to decline. They lost Algeria to France in 1830 and France seized Tunisia in 1881. Britain did the same with Cyprus in 1878 and Egypt in 1882. After this the Ottomans ardently tried to reorganise their military. Sultan Abdul-Hamid II came to the throne, ruling as a dictator. His policies were violent and used excessive fear tactics. Religious persecution spread throughout the country. During the late 1800s a small group of Turkish students and military officers rebelled, opposing Hamid’s policies. Although the Sultan staged a counter-revolution the Young Turks succeeded in removing him and for a while his brother Muhammad V was made the new ruler in 1909.

Unfortunately many minorities suffered greatly at the hands of their cruel masters; many public beheadings of ‘Infidels’ became the norm. They forced the families and even the children of those not belonging to their religious ideals into submission and undignified situations at every level. They were completely against every new way of thinking and all conceivable advancements one could imagine. Progressive thinking was not allowed and women were not valued, in fact many new born female babies were buried alive.

Christian minorities such as the Armenians demanded freedom from Ottoman rule. The empire continued to decline. Soon after the revolution in 1908 Bulgaria became independent, Austria claimed Bosnia and in 1912 Italy took Libya. In 1913 Greece took Cyprus and by 1914 the empire lost all its European territories except Thrace. It was about this time in history my father was born in 1911 and mother in 1914. They certainly had some interesting stories to tell. The Ottoman Empire entered World War I during that year. They sided with Germany and Austria-Hungary in an attempt to regain all their lost territory. Although their forces appeared to succeed, the British, French and other allied forces fought to gain control of the Straits in order to assist Russia. Despite all that, Turkey was able to drive back the invaders yet they ended up with a crushing defeat and the Allies won the war in 1918, Allied troops occupying Istanbul and the Straits. During May 1919 Greek troops landed in the Turkish Port of İzmir to provide protection for the Allied Forces. The Greeks then began to advance further into the country and the Turkish populace became more resentful against the inability of their Ottoman rule to defend their country. Alas there were many other reasons for Turks to protest against Ottoman rule: education, particularly the education of girls, was not emphasised. Yet one discovers that in ancient days, science and education was regarded as important by those adhering to the religious identity of the Ottomans.

Under the supposed strict Islamic rule, Ottoman Sultans progressively did not become brilliant leaders, disallowing creative thinking. During those pre-revolutionary days, art of any kind was deemed to be against principles laid down by Allah and anyone practising such acts of an allegedly satanic nature was punished severely. Song and dance was not approved of, nor was painting people’s portraits, for that was considered as idol worship which their religion forbade. Only religious art of Islamic calligraphy and ornamentation was permitted although some of the great Ottoman conquerors’ images had previously been painted by European artists of renown.

When the very first light bulb was introduced and installed in the Sultan’s palace it had to be removed immediately for it apparently glowed with the ‘mocking grin’ of the Devil. Many Judaic laws were Islamised and practised under the guise of their religious identity with additional rules including dictation on men and women’s dress codes and what they ate and drank. Some of those rules in regard to ancient hygiene and behavioural patterns were appropriate, for example the eating of pork after unhygienic storage or consuming wine after the practice of crushing grapes under peoples’ dirty feet. However those rules and regulations were over the border as with many other practices and were punishable by death.

It was then that Mustafa Kemal, a Turkish military hero born in Thessalonica, organised a nationalist movement. Under his leadership a nationalist congress met in Sivas in September to form a government. In April 1920 the congress organised the Turkish Grand National Assembly in Ankara. They elected Kemal as the Assembly President but the Sultan’s government signed the Treaty of Sevres with the Allies in August 1920. Under that treaty Turkey was reduced to just the city of Istanbul and the Sultan’s popularity declined. In September 1922 nationalist forces drove the Greek troops out. The Grand National Assembly abolished the office of Sultan and the Allies agreed to draw up another peace treaty with the nationalists. The Treaty of Lausanne was signed in 1923 and set the borders of the country as they are today.

My parents have certainly experienced interesting and exciting times but they were not ‘the good old days’. They were troubling times. In that confusion they had to hide themselves when in Turkey and blend in with the locals of that country. No matter what innovations in thought and political expressions were present at the time, the old mentality amongst the Turks was still alive. Have they changed today? One would ideally wish they have but unfortunately the ingrained mentality still remains. Religious fanaticism rules supreme.

The Grand National Assembly proclaimed Turkey a republic on October 29, 1923 and elected Kemal as their President. During the 1920s and 1930s they underwent major social changes, doing away with certain Islamic traditions such as the Arabic alphabet, the Islamic legal system, Muslim schools (Madrassas) and the wearing of Islamic clothing by both men and women. They abolished the civil and religious office of the Caliph and outlawed polygamy, the having more than one wife and therefore harems. Women were given the right to hold positions and vote. None of these changes were previously available under strict Islamic Law. Now citizens had the right to practice any belief system although the country is known to be officially Islamic.

However the radicalism of old remains even today although many Turks prefer to deny it. There are many Armenians, amongst other minority groups, whose rights are restricted although, as a survival strategy, they had to change their identities and names thereby achieving acceptance. When and if their parental backgrounds are questioned, the consequences can be catastrophic. Strangely, if anyone is unfortunate enough to have to declare the ‘unacceptable’ or ‘infidel’ names of his or her parents that person is forced to feel embarrassed for having a so-called ‘criminal’ background. Worse still, one may be completely shunned or constantly under surveillance.

However history shows that some Turks preferred the traditional system and opposed Mustafa Kemal, known as Atatürk (the Father of Turks). He was the first Turkish President serving until his death in 1938. İsmet İnönü became the next President and under him Turkey evaded entering the Second World War. This is also when they joined the United Nations. After the War, Russia demanded the right to build military bases in the Straits and have control of the Country’s eastern territories. Turkey requested the Western Powers’ assistance. I was only four years old when U.S. President Truman announced ‘The Truman Doctrine’ in 1947. This way the United States was enabled to provide assistance to any country threatened by outside forces and in return the United States would build military bases on Turkish soil.

Atatürk founded the Republican People’s Party which governed Turkey since its establishment until 1950 when the Democrat Party won the majority in the Grand National Assembly. Celal Bayar became President and Adnan Menderes was appointed Prime Minister. By the late 1950s national debt was on the increase and there were restrictions on freedom of speech but one wonders if the system is any different today. The Democrat Party lost its popularity during the 1960s and military forces considered the Party becoming more and more distant from Atatürk’s ideals. General Cemal Gürsel took control of the country and the military placed a number of former leaders on trial. Prime Minister Menderes was publicly hanged and President Bayar sentenced to life but was later released. Although we have been told so many things in this regard it all appeared biased. There were others who denied all the information provided and claimed that Mr Menderes was selling Turkey to Americans and this was allegedly the real reason for what happened to him. Busloads of school children were encouraged to pay their respect by visiting the hanging traitor and read the judgement paper attached to his chest. Unfortunately it was an ugly experience to witness.

I remember the empty streets normally bustling with activity when I took a stroll, observing soldiers with their guns and army tanks rolling along the streets. This was during one of the school holidays. It was eerie and frightening just like in the movies except it was happening in real life. The feeling was that someone could be shot and it could be me. One soldier approached me and said: ‘But you are going home, aren’t you?’ I answered him with a definite ‘yes’ and continued walking. I wanted to see one of my school friends. I just cannot forget that time of unrest when in Ankara.

Turkey’s current Constitution was adopted in 1961. Members of the Republican People’s Party were chosen for the highest office. İsmet İnönü became Prime Minister and Gürsel became President. In 1965 the Justice Party won the majority in the government and its leader, Süleyman Demirci, became Prime Minister; Gürsel continued in his post until 1966. But I had already left the country for good in 1963. I will tell you more about that issue a little later.

Although Atatürk revolutionised Turkey and brought impressive changes culturally, such as freedom of speech and expression yet, throughout the years, some people still prefer the pre-Atatürk days, still fantasising about totally Islamising Turkish society, its education system and the army. They seem to be succeeding. Let us not forget that there are political parties which prefer to return back to the days when they used the Arabic alphabet whilst also applying Islamic rules to their everyday lives. Perhaps harems will become available once again when a Turkish Caliphate is established or an Ayatollah regime is introduced and who can guess that perhaps women will lose all their human rights. Would modern Turks allow it?

Long before their partial sojourn in Anatolia, believing they may be able to claim their once-upon-a-time real estate, my father, together with his other relatives, preferred to stay in Istanbul owing vast amounts of money due to his gambling. It seemed he was involved in ‘other activities’ which may not have been very ethical or desirable. On the other hand my mother, with her background, was a very determined person who studied hard for a beautiful career in dress design including creations for Christian Dior in Paris. She excelled in her skills and had her own Salon, employing many others.

While in Turkey, after traveling from the city of Yozgat to Ankara, some older relatives imagined that she and my father, despite being cousins, could help each other if they lived together thereby helping one’s relatives which they believed was the appropriate thing to do. Obviously they did not know or want to know the actual circumstances. I felt that it was more or less to help ‘the miserable young man’ with his dilemmas. After all, my mother was generating a good income. After negotiations and many wonderful promises, they got married. Things apparently looked really brilliant. However it seemed that my father had a different agenda, for instance, by making use of his wife’s wealth, he could become free from his debts. She has indeed paid vast amounts towards what he owed as well as his habit of betting on the horses. He was more passionate about horse racing than anything else.

He was not interested in having a family to love and cherish. His marriage was not based upon love, nor did he have any desire for it. My father did not know what true love was and he was, as far as I could see, totally devoid of it. It seemed that the military was the only thing he cared for, even in a commanding post but if this was true, in a country where he endured hardships, being treated as if he was ‘nobody’ due to his origins, he had no chance to progress. It was obvious that he had lived without his parents most of his life and did not know what parental care and love was. He grew up in a loveless society, in a loveless home and the war years took their toll.

Eight years before my birth in 1943 my mother’s sister had a reasonably happy marriage and two sons who my mother adored. I think that it was due to becoming their caregiver and surrogate mother, feeding them with her own breast milk. Apparently my aunt could not feed them and her husband had been murdered by a group of hooligans after his work on completion of an important electrical job. His life ended due to evil intent, jealousies and racially motivated hatred and when his body was discovered his head had been stabbed many times by those criminals using his tools and screwdrivers. No-one was punished by their law for killing an ‘Armenian dog’. I suppose my mother felt the need to take responsibility and care for them, partially to assist her sister Pɩrlanti (Pyrlantie). I feel by now that you would like to ask me where those names you read and perhaps find hard to pronounce come from. As mentioned before they are ancient names originating in Sanskrit, Norwegian, Greek and Armenian. You may also find them in India and in the South Americas as I did during my adult years. It can give you some clues about my origins.

According to my father he initially did not want to be married but was apparently forced into it; he did not want to have a family and children unless he could treat them like some men from patriarchal backgrounds as it was throughout the Middle East or Europe of the Middle Ages. Then again, probably he did not know anything about how to be a father or did not desire to be responsible for important finances which were deemed necessary for the welfare and education of his children. He wanted to have a life of ease for reasons known only to him. My mother was the one who provided food, clothing and did all sorts of things through her profession for the upkeep of the home while my father occupied himself as a watchmaker for the Swiss Zenith Watch Company after his army days. His earnings were spent on the horses and other gambling habits.

I believe his upbringing had a lot to do with his character, domineering like fanatical tribesmen, just looking after his own interests, but he was neither religious nor had anything to do with the Muslim faith. According to what my mother clearly explained, he was intent to bring home gigolos to her with plenty of money. In other words he wanted her to become his whore, thus making lots of money in his imaginations. He was very upset and extremely angry with her for not accepting his generous offer. He obviously felt his plans were being ruined. He bitterly hated his own parents and my mother’s mother. I believe it was due to them forcing him to marry. In all honesty I could not understand the reasons behind this situation and my mother avoided talking about the issue.

Over time he threatened my mother, shouting that he had spent his sperms and he could take them away by killing the child born into his unwanted family. He reasoned that he could easily take it away because he was the father and nobody could ever stop him. This trend got worse as time went by. Sometimes he did not come home at night and on arrival in the morning he slept long hours in his own quarters, later waking up to hurt his wife with his physical and verbal abuses yet again. On the other hand my mother took it as being her destiny, praying that things would get better. During their reasonably calmer days they visited some of his friends even, at one stage, going to a photographic studio to have family photos taken as was customary in those days. I remember how my mother once held me behind the heavy velvet curtain in the studio. They took an infant picture of me naked, my mother proudly displaying the enlarged, hand-coloured photograph of me on the wall.

When a little over two years old I used to ask her why she chose to live with this terrible person, making her wonder how it was possible for a toddler to ask such a question. Two years later, on the thirteenth of March 1945, my brother Haritiun was born. He was the ‘other one’ to follow me.

Happy times were very rare and far between. However, on a lighter side of things, on one of those occasions some parents used to dress their sons like girls or vice versa just for fun during photographic sessions. I remember when our mother and aunt took us to a local studio where my brother was dressed like a girl. It probably provided light-hearted conversation amongst friends. We were inseparable as brothers, playing happily together, eating, sleeping and enjoying the outdoors. Sometimes we were a little noisy but as long as we did not see our father or he was not around, the happier we were.

However, at birth my brother had to have an immediate medical procedure to separate his penis from inside his testis. My mother was so immensely happy about a Dr Kamil Sokullu who performed the delicate surgery and often talked about what a brilliant doctor he was. My father did not contribute anything towards the cost, and did not care. He would not care even if we were family dogs. This is said in all honesty, for it is factual.

My parents’ relationship worsened with every passing day and there were so many things I could not understand. For example, where I was allegedly born was never clearly explained. The only explanation was that I was born. A few other lies have also been told to us children, including how a stork had dropped us in front of our parents’ front door in Ankara. This seems to be a classic story told to children all around the world. At other times I was even told that I was born in flight. Was I born on a plane traveling somewhere in Europe or perhaps while going to Turkey? How unusual it was to be treated as if I was a member of the alleged Armenian dogs there and forced into feeling embarrassed all the time for belonging to that race throughout my childhood during my forced stay in that country which, in reality, was no home to me.

Another enigma was that my father preferred me to be registered as being born somewhere in Turkey because they once had properties there. I often asked, but got no true answers from anybody. I believe he was dreaming about something impossible to regain. It did not make any sense because, in the first place, I was ‘the unwanted’ child as far as he was concerned. Probably his friends or other relatives convinced him that he could benefit from this and should think twice before getting rid of me. This enigma has remained in my mind up until now whenever I think about their heated ‘debates’ during so-called family gatherings but many things were still completely hidden from us. For example, they always avoided talking about our grandparents’ unusual tattoos. On their wrists and arms were numbers and, on their upper arms, the word ‘Jude’ and a star which we were to learn symbolised the Star of David. That word and the emblem were most certainly Jewish, and also gran’s words such as: ‘my sweet love, there was too much suffering… and it is better we do not speak anything more of it for now…’ were quite a concern. Obviously, she and the other elderly relatives’ pasts were painful memories. Possibly they had escaped from it all and ended up in Istanbul seeking refuge. What was the actual reality? Were their origins in other parts of the Middle East? However it still did not explain the mystery surrounding my birth; it came closer to my parental origins which they preferred not to dwell on. I remembered so many stories being told to us that a large number of Jews came from the European Continent, particularly Spain and Russia to dwell in Istanbul. The research I conducted into my ancestral origins did not provide absolute answers but only fragments as most of the documentation had been destroyed throughout the decades. Yet what I have been able to discover like an enigma still provided me with a few clues to follow.

Was this the same with my grandparents? My subsequent research revealed so little that I could not even begin to make any sense of it. The only reasonably substantial discovery about some of my distant relatives and both sets of my grandparents was their close links with India, the city of Gujarat and also that of Jerusalem. My mother used to talk very happily about her father and even her grandfather being very generous and helpful individuals to others, owning oil fields somewhere beyond Bagdad. Was she joking? She told me how similar I looked to my grandfather whom I had never met. He either died of natural causes or was killed; I had no idea about their history even after making several enquiries about them. Although my mother told me very little, my research took me back to France, to Provence. Grandfather was apparently extreme with his hygiene just like me. Everything about my Earthean background has become like a jigsaw puzzle. My understanding was that the majority of their important papers had disappeared or were deliberately destroyed to avoid further persecution. This made me feel like someone dumped in the middle of a desert. I kept asking about who, where and when I was, to no avail. I felt like a young man without a background.

My father used to repeatedly recite his own mother’s words saying ‘if there was a God, why did he abandon what was his…’ He became an Atheist and never spoke much about anything. But in reality, and without any prejudice, I feel like repeating my words, he was never a good father. This is really a very hard statement to make. However, when he was asked to register his first born son according to a perceived tradition, he apparently wanted only to do so in Istanbul and chose a suburb therein - ‘Taksim, Beyoğlu, Işɪklar Sokak’- although knowing in absolute certainty that I was not born anywhere near there. We have been unreliably informed that he was either stationed there or lived in that part of the country working on behalf of some authority which we were never to discover about. The reasons for this I can only guess but cannot be absolutely certain about. It was either a safe refuge to start everything anew without a definite background or simply wanting to forget and leave an unfortunate past behind. This could primarily enable his own self to become wealthy after reclaiming what he dreamt of. With his Indo-European origins we were told that he was just like his grandparents, having a military background and a highly responsible post.

Let us remember that the Armenian language is known as being Indo-European and not all Armenians are of an Orthodox background; there are those who practice the Jewish or Muslim traditions.

One of our other relatives had allegedly made his way to Germany, living like all other Germans and entering the ranks of ‘the Reich’, serving his ‘Fuerer’ in a commanding post. I am unsure about the reality of this issue