Back to Me

By Lindsay Paige

Noah Ramsey has a great hockey career, wonderful parents, and a good best friend, but what he wants most is to be with the love of his life who walked away from him years ago. When he finds her at the airport, he realizes she's changed, and she's struggling with things she doesn't want to tell him about. Noah also realizes just how much she scarred him when she left.

Meredith Quick has always planned everything out. She chose her tennis career over love in order to better succeed, but her plan dissolves when an injury threatens her career and her fiancé leaves her. Struggling through pain and the uncertainty of her future, she realizes her first misstep was walking away from Noah. She impulsively decides to go back to him while she attempts to put her life back together.

Reacquainting isn't easy when Noah doesn't quite trust Meredith to stay and Meredith struggles with overcoming the pain she's endured without him. Can they work through their issues and move forward, or will their past ruin things between them forever?

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lindsay Paige
• Release date: Oct 4, 2016
• ISBN: 9781370578160

Lindsay Paige

Lindsay Paige is the author of multiple Young Adult, New Adult, and Sports romances. She also enjoys writing books with characters who deal with anxiety and depression, issues which are close to her heart. Lindsay is a North Carolinian who loves watching hockey, sharing puns, having conversations with her miniature Schnauzer, rewatching episodes of M*A*S*H, and living her dream of writing books for a living.Lindsay has written the following books/series:Bending Under PressureBold as Love seriesBracing for Love seriesCarolina Rebels seriesDon’t PanicSanity seriesYou Before MeWithout a DoubtShe has cowritten the following series with Mary Smith:The Ninth Inning seriesOh Captain, My Captain seriesThe Penalty Kill trilogy

Book preview

CHAPTER 1

MEREDITH

The worst part of flying somewhere is waiting in the airport beforehand. Being in a plane thirty-some thousand feet above the air doesn’t bother me, neither does the takeoff or landing. But every minute I have to sit in an uncomfortable chair, watching the numbers tick by until it’s time to board, messes with my nerves. I can’t stand it. It doesn’t help that my life is a complete and utter mess, and I’m either about to make the biggest mistake ever or put the pieces of my life back together.

How do things get so far off track? I had dreams and a plan to make them all come true. I even sacrificed the love of my life because I deemed my career more important. Now, my dreams have crashed into reality and I’m going to have to end it before I’m ready. This isn’t how I imagined myself at twenty-six, or any other age if I’m honest. Everything is wrong and has fallen apart. It’ll be a miracle if my spontaneous decision actually helps. I can’t help but be skeptical, since I’ve tried to always plan my life. I need a plan. Look at where that got me. An injured shoulder once again that led to surgery. If it wasn’t for a stupid car accident not even three days later, my intensive physical therapy might have paid off. I think I would be done with physical therapy at this point had it not been for re-injuring my shoulder in the accident and causing further damage. So here I am facing an early retirement after a publicly called-off engagement.

I’ve spent the last six months retracing my steps. Where did I go wrong? What part of my planning caused the first misstep to land me where I am now? Every time I come back to one decision.

Leaving Noah.

That has to be where I went wrong. Obviously, I should’ve chosen to prioritize love over my career. I’ve spent so much time lately feeling guilty for leaving him, especially since it seems it was for nothing, or pissed off that my damn plan couldn’t have worked out like I wanted. My thoughts trail back to everything that’s happened. My life was good for a while after we broke up. I missed him terribly, of course, but things were proceeding just like I’d hoped. My life was on course.

Until it wasn’t.

Now, I’m full of regrets, thinking of what would’ve happened had I taken a different path.

If I’d never left, then I would have never gotten engaged to Vance. I never would have had to experience the terrible things I did with him. So much would’ve been different had I been with Noah. I just know it.

My eyes flick to the TV screen and I see that only two freaking minutes have passed.

God, I’m insane!

What am I doing? I haven’t spoken to Noah in years, ever since we started pursuing our careers. I don’t know if he’s seeing someone or if he will want to see me. Things ended well enough, but that doesn’t mean anything now. I’m walking into the unknown with my only plan of action being to find him and hope for the best.

Hope for the best!

What kind of crazy person does that?

Sure, a lot of people do, but I don’t!

I can’t do this. Nope. This is a crazy, stupid idea. I need more time to think and come up with what exactly I’m going to do. I need a damn plan. I’m sure Noah wouldn’t want me to show up right now anyway. I reach for my carry-on when I hear that voice. It can’t be.

Can it?

Meredith Quick! I don’t believe it.

My head snaps up to locate him as my heart immediately launches from my chest and into the arms of the man I haven’t seen in so long. My smile is automatic as I stand. The nerves from waiting to board intensify as I take him in. He’s an even six feet with a bit of scruff on his face, his black hair hanging down to his chin, and brown eyes shining to complete the image of perfection. Before I can speak, he drops his bag into the chair next to mine, wraps his arms around me, and picks me up for a rib-crushing bear hug.

Noah Ramsey, I say into his neck. Before my body can catch up with my mind, I’m relaxing in his arms. It’s as if the weight of all the stress I’ve been experiencing melts away with his arms around me. This is definitely the right decision. I hate to speak, but I must. I can’t breathe, I rasp because I honestly can’t. He’s squeezing the life out of me.

His chest shakes with his laughter as he sets me down. Those brown eyes flicker to the large television screen behind me. This your flight, too?

Yeah, it is. We take a seat, angled toward one another, and I guess, Shouldn’t you be in Raleigh already?

Yeah. Ashley had a baby, so I flew home for a quick trip to meet my first nephew before things can get too crazy. His eyes are as bright as his smile. His excitement over the baby is clear.

Congrats to her, I say with a genuine smile. Excited to finally be an uncle?

Oh yeah. I can’t wait to get the little guy into some skates and see how he does against me.

I smile. Ah, yes. You’re a big shot professional hockey player. How could I forget? It’s why I wondered why he wasn’t home. It’s September and hockey season will be starting soon. He should’ve been back already, but if his sister had a baby, it explains why he wasn’t.

He matches my grin with his white teeth on display. Hey, you’re a big shot professional tennis player.

Not if I’m forced to retire, Noah, I say solemnly, causing him to lose his smile. Everything wrong in my life seems to crash back into my mind, reminding me why I’m here.

Noah places his hand on my leg, mid-thigh, immediately distracting me. I’m wearing shorts, so he’s touching bare skin, which starts to burn from his touch, a raging inferno of heat flushing throughout my body. God, how can a simple touch cause my stomach to suddenly explode with butterflies?

You doing okay, Mere?

Hearing him say Mere jars me. It’s like no time has passed at all since we last spoke, since we were last together. Could that correlate into an easy transition if we were to get back together?

To respond to his question, I nod. Oddly, I’m uncomfortable with the conversation, yet comfortable being around my ex-boyfriend. My emotions are like a see-saw, ranging from a high of happiness, excitement, a rush of wonderful memories, desire, and overwhelming love to a low of panic, terror, uncertainty, and pain rooted in my own action of walking away from him. All of those feelings are rising and falling constantly, giving me an emotional whiplash.

So, what’s taking you to Raleigh? he asks.

Noah always knew when to change the subject. Something I loved about him, and something that hasn’t changed. The relief from that causes me to relax a little as I shrug. I’ve been worried since I made the decision to see him about the possibility that the Noah I knew was long gone. He could’ve morphed into another person during our time apart.

I needed a change and, out of all the flights going out today, I chose this one. The lie comes before I can think better of it. Maybe I should wait to I tell him that I came for him. I should find out about his life first. What if he has a girlfriend? I can’t tell him if he does. Not to mention I need to figure out if getting back together is even an option for him. Just because he gave me a warm welcome and is inquiring about my life doesn’t mean he wants to pick up where we left off.

Noah stares at me, his brows sky high. Just like that? You almost sound like you decided to fly only today.

I did.

You’re telling me that you didn’t know yesterday, or three weeks ago, you were going to North Carolina today? he asks with a load of skepticism. Noah knows that I’m a planner and making last-minute decisions goes against the grain of who I am.

No. I woke up this morning, couldn’t stand being at home anymore, and decided to leave. A lot has changed since we last saw each other, Noah, I tell him, glancing away to the television. We should be boarding any second now.

Flight 482 to Raleigh will now board First Class.

Noah and I stand, forgoing conversation until we’re in our seats. The charmer that he is, Noah convinces the older gentleman who is supposed to sit next to me to switch seats with him. He puts my carry-on bag in the overhead for me, too. I’m thankful because it would’ve been a bit painful for me to have done it myself. That’s what I get for ignoring the signs which have made my shoulder that much worse.

I can’t believe I’m sitting next to him. It’s been so unbelievably long. And yet, I still want to crawl into his lap, kiss his lips, and very much make this a reunion of epic proportions.

But that can’t happen.

I don’t know anything about Noah’s personal life. The last time I spoke to him was a moment of weakness a month after we broke up. Hell, I don’t even know if he would want to reunite. The memories of us together become too much to handle with the uncertainty surrounding me. We hung out so much that our families became close. It would take hours to study and do homework because it was easy for us to get distracted and let our conversation go off on a tangent. However, we didn’t need to talk all the time. Some of my favorite memories are of Noah simply holding me.

I’ve always regretted walking away from Noah. Planning to come back to him at some point didn’t make me regret it any less. I couldn’t have foreseen, or I chose to ignore the possibility of, how much I missed him, how much my life lacked the happiness that came with loving him and being with him, or how gigantic the void of his presence in my life would be.

It’s been an overwhelming regret since my injury. Meeting him today was pure coincidence. Maybe it’s a sign that I’m finally on the right track.

Get a grip, Meredith. You can’t start over where you left off.

I glance over at him as he switches his phone into airplane mode; mine is turned off already. He’s wearing denim shorts and a white T-shirt that hugs his body a bit too much. There’s a darkness on his chest over his heart that just can be seen beneath his shirt. My fingers reach over without my mind’s permission before I can think about it.

You still have it? I ask, part-amazed, part-grateful, part-disbelieving. I pull his shirt down, probably stretching his collar some, and sure enough, my name is scrawled over his heart, untouched. My fingers seem to have a mind of their own as they trace the lettering.

Hey, if you want a show, I charge, he laughs.

Why haven’t you covered that thing up or gotten it removed?

He frowns. Why in the hell would I do that?

Oh, my heart.

He seems genuinely confused as to why he would. My brain is working fast as I reply, Well, I doubt any girlfriend you have is happy to see another girl’s name tattooed on your chest, unless her name is Meredith, too.

Noah laughs. Yeah, most don’t like it, but they usually know going in that I have it. He shrugs. I’ve only had one ask if I was going to have it covered or removed.

Really? I would’ve expected more than that. I pause, my hand returning to my lap as his shirt springs back into place. Do you regret it? Your mother warned you, and we both told you it was a bad idea.

Yes, I told my then-boyfriend he was a crazy idiot to get my name tattooed on his body on his eighteenth birthday. Did I secretly love the idea? Yes, then and now. I still thought it was dumb for the sake of the unknown future. When I begged him not to get it, he laughed it off, reminded me how much he loved me, grabbed my hand, and then dragged me to the tattoo parlor. Nothing, and no one, could change his mind.

The doors are closing and we’re preparing for takeoff. Noah ignores the sound of the pilot speaking and then the flight attendant as he leans over.

If I regretted it, do you think I would still have it? he whispers.

Maybe, I answer weakly, hope beginning to surge through me. You know, as a reminder or something.

It is a reminder.

Right. Of course it is. A reminder that I broke his heart. He probably kept it so he wouldn’t fall for someone like me, or fall for me again for that matter. I turn my head to look out the window. It hurts too much to look at him and I feel embarrassed for briefly having hope.

A shiver rocks my body when his lips move against my ear. A reminder of the best time of my life and all I lost.

Because I walked away. Because I wanted to see what the world had to offer aside from Noah, and how could I do that if I was constantly trying to find time to see my boyfriend when I was playing tennis and he was in college playing hockey? I loved him, but I was always with him. I couldn’t shift through my memories without Noah being in every single one of them those last two years of high school. I needed some without him. That’s what I thought, anyway. I thought I needed to shift my focus away from him completely if I was going to become a professional tennis player. To this day, it remains one of the hardest things I’ve ever done or dealt with.

Looking at him will be too hard, so I don’t. At least, not for a few minutes. Not until we’ve been served drinks, and it’s only because I’m a glutton for punishment and because I miss him.

How are your parents? he asks.

Good. To this day, Mom and Dad like to remind me that I was stupid for leaving you.

He laughs. Can you blame them? Look at what you’re missing out on. Especially now. I’m kind of a big deal.

I laugh and shake my head at him. Why are you asking, anyway? I know you talk to them.

Finally, I’ve surprised him. I didn’t think you knew, and I wasn’t sure if you would be okay with it. He hesitates before adding, Does that mean you know all about my life?

Why would he hesitate? Is there someone he doesn’t want me to know about? Or, has something happened that he wants to keep from me? No, I answer him anyway. They just say that you call. Do you want to fill me in on what I’ve missed?

Not until you have. What’s the plan for Raleigh? You said you’re going somewhere new on a whim, but I’m finding it hard to believe. You always have a plan, Mere. Always.

Not this time, I whisper, turning to look back out the window. He’s right. I always have a plan, but my plans blew up in my face and now I’m lost with so much uncertainty in my future that I can’t stand it. I can’t even come up with a new plan; I’m too lost to figure out where to start. Hell, if I’m honest with myself, I don’t even have the want or will to make a new plan.

Where are you staying? Do you know how long you’ll be here? I love his ability to change the subject when I need him to.

I don’t know to both. I lean my head against the seat, but turn to face him again. I honestly don’t have a plan. All I did was wake up this morning, pack a bag, and buy a ticket. I didn’t think too far in advance. Other than wanting to see Noah at some point. Never have I done something without excessively planning it first, which is why Noah’s jaw is about to fall off. I’ll find a hotel until I figure things out.

You booked a flight without even having a place to stay? All you have is that carry-on? He stares at me, concern clouding those brown eyes. It’s like he doesn’t recognize me anymore and he probably doesn’t. I don’t even recognize myself. Noah flips my hand over on the armrest and intertwines my fingers with his. What the hell happened, Mere? His voice is so low, so tender, and so worried. His gaze scours mine as if I’ve hidden information in them for him to find. This is so out of character for you. Is it more than your injury? Is it...is it something with your, he swallows hard before finishing, former engagement?

Leave it alone, Noah, I quietly beg. I force myself to glance away from him. There’s a chance I could blurt everything out if I let those eyes get to me. I’m fine. Doing something new and spontaneous doesn’t mean I’m a mess or that I’m crazy. Except in my case, it means exactly that.

He stares at me for a long time and I know he doesn’t believe me. You’re staying with me, he eventually says.

I pull my hand from his. What? No, I’m not. That would be a bad idea. The worst idea. Yes, I came down here to hopefully get back together, but staying with him wasn’t part of that. I can’t do it, even if part of me is begging myself to accept his offer.

"Only until you figure out what you’re doing. There’s no sense in you staying in a hotel room when I have a home that would be more comfortable. It’ll let us catch up, too. It’s been years, Mere. Let me do this for you. Please." His eyes are so desperate. I’ve never seen him look like he’s grasping for something to hold onto before he falls. He reaches for my hand, but I cross my arms and tuck them safely away, ignoring the hurt all over his face as his hand slowly retreats.

No, I answer firmly.

There’s no way I can stay with him. It has been a long time, but it feels as if none has passed at all, which can be dangerous for me. On top of everything else I’m dealing with, I can’t torture myself by staying with Noah unless I know whether or not there’s a possibility for us to be together again.

Let me drive you to a hotel, then?

He wants to help, and that’s the easiest way to allow him to. I nod. Okay.

Noah grins, seemingly happy as if he got his way. He didn’t, though, which means he gave up way too easily. Or maybe he was offering just to be nice and is happy I declined. I still don’t know anything about his life or how he feels about me now, so it could be possible.

Tell me about you.

He tilts his head back to lean against the seat. I’m not sure what it means that he’s not looking at me as he speaks. Well, I love playing as a pro. It’s been a bit frustrating at times, but I wouldn’t trade it. My teammates are great, too. Maybe you can meet one or two of them while you’re here.

I’d like that. What about your family?

You already know Ashley had a baby. She’s been married to Oliver for about a year now. She met him in college and he proposed the day after they graduated. Mom and Dad are doing well, too. Dad spends his time on the golf course while Mom makes quilts and does whatever it is she does with her friends. Not much has changed with them. I would ask about your family, but I already know. And since you don’t want to talk about you, I’m not sure if I should ask how you’ve been.

He does know how they are because according to my parents, he talks to them almost as often as he talks to his own parents. He’s right, too. I don’t want him to ask how I’ve been because if I start talking, I might become a crazy, blubbering mess. Tell me what you know about my life instead. Then, I’ll find out how much he knows about Vance. How much he knows about my disastrous life. I’m not sure what he talks about with my parents or how much information my mom provides about me.

I know you’ve hated dealing with your injury, you’re worried you’ll be forced to leave the game early, and you don’t talk about it if you can help it. From what I hear, you also refuse to talk about your engagement and why it ended. Your parents are worried about you, too. That’s all I know, Mere. You mom only gives me brief updates. She knows I want to know how you’re doing, but she doesn’t want to say too much either, out of respect to you. He pauses as a flight attendant checks on us and then focuses his attention on me again. Am I crazy for hoping you’ll talk to me about those things?

Yes. I don’t want to, not yet. Just like I want to find out if he has a girlfriend, but I’m too scared to ask right now.

Noah nods, not looking surprised at all. He leans his head against the seat again, facing forward. I’ve missed you, Meredith. Four quietly spoken words that echo loudly in my heart as if he just shouted them.

I glance away, deciding the cloud-filled sky is a more preferable view than this handsome man next to me. I’ve missed you, too, I whisper. More than he could ever imagine.

We don’t talk for the remainder of our flight. Once we land, Noah leads the way toward the parking garage and his vehicle since neither of us have any baggage to claim. It’s comforting to see his ride is simply a newer model of the SUV he had in college. However, being in his car feels more intimate than being on the plane did. Between that and our silence, I’m starting to get nervous.

How are you going to get around? Noah finally speaks. Are you going to rent a car?

Oh, yeah, probably. This is why I plan things. I totally forgot about needing a way to get to wherever I need to go.

I have an extra vehicle. Do you want to borrow it?

No, but thank you for offering.

It’ll cost a fortune to rent a car if you’re here for a while, he points out.

Then I’ll buy another car. Money isn’t an issue.

Why don’t you want to borrow it? Give me a good reason.

Ignoring his question, I ask, Which hotel are you taking me to?

I’m not. I’m taking you to my apartment. You don’t have to stay if you don’t want to, but at least take my car. I can’t drop you off at a hotel without making sure you can leave the place. Let me do that much for you.

Fine. There’s no point in arguing with him, and I’m curious about his other vehicle and his apartment. This is