All My Heart

By Melyssa Winchester

Anger, Resentment, Jealousy, Rage, Violence, Hate and Fear.

For eighteen years, this is all I've known. When everything seemed to crash and burn around me, I could always count on those seven things to get me through.

At least that’s how it was until Isabelle.

With one brief look across a crowded parking lot, she altered my entire existence. Erasing all of the things I thought I could count on and replacing them with ones of her own. Things that even now, a year later, I still don’t think I deserve.

Forgiveness, Understanding, Acceptance, Friendship, Redemption, Hope and Love.

So what do you do when you've been given all of these things by the most beautiful person on the planet with nothing expected in return?

Well when you’re me, you find a way to screw it up.

She thinks I’m the strong one. That I’m not afraid of anything. She’s wrong.

I’m afraid of a lot of things, but the absolute worst is losing her.

Losing yet another person I love and being powerless to stop it.

I can’t lose Belle. I just can’t. Even if losing her is exactly what I deserve.

You thought our story was complete, but what you’re about to find out, is no story ever really ends. It just finds new ways to begin again.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Melyssa Winchester
• Release date: Sep 15, 2014
• ISBN: 9781928139089

Melyssa Winchester

Melyssa Winchester is a mother of four from Toronto, Ontario, Canada. When she’s not knee deep in adolescent awesomeness, she’s falling in love, one book boyfriend and girlfriend at a time. She is a lover of all things romance and will forever believe in a real and true happily ever after.When she’s not off being a mom or writing you can find her doing one of two things. Reading or buried under the covers watching Supernatural, Sons Of Anarchy or Veronica Mars.Melyssa is currently working on Through The Storm (Count On Me #7), along with Tempered Grace (Love United Series #6) and the standalone title Remembering Sunday.You can find her on the web, either at her personal site, Facebook (which she just might have an obsession with) or Twitter (@WinchesterBooks) where she talks incessantly about her kids, her writing and all things book boyfriend related.

Book preview

All My Heart

By

Melyssa Winchester

Smashwords Edition Copyright | 2014 Melyssa Winchester

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

This is a work of fiction. Names; characters; places and incidents are the products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events, locales or persons living or dead is entirely coincidental.

Cover Image Copyright © Prochkailo @ Shutterstock

Cover Image Design by Melyssa & Caleb Winchester

Some people are brought into your life for a reason and while there, they leave a mark. One that stays forever. The story between these pages is dedicated to a person that has done that very thing to me. Pamela Sparkman, thank you for entering my life and leaving your mark on my heart :)

Some people come into our lives, leave footprints in our hearts and minds and we are never the same again. – Jared Leto

Prologue

Belle

I’m really doing this.

College.

When I graduated from Wexfield High in June, my boyfriend Kayden by my side, I thought I was leaving the horrors of the past behind me.

I was wrong.

If I thought high school was the worst of it, standing on this campus alone is my reality check. It’s like a strong wind in the middle of a storm, pushing me with so much force that at any moment I’ll be knocked off my feet. First stumbling, then falling and landing flat on my face.

Wexfield being such a small town, it never occurred to me that the university’s campus would be this big. I expected it to be spacious, it would have to be with the amount of courses that are offered, but nothing like this.

The only thing remotely calming is that just like high school, there seems to be trees here too. Ones I know I can escape under when the obvious pressure I’m feeling gets to be too much.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this.

When Kayden received his acceptance along with the scholarship to the University of Toronto, I pushed him to go. He didn’t want to. He had seen the worst of my issues and didn’t feel right leaving me behind.

I’ve come such a long way from the time he saved me in the parking lot that it seemed only natural I push him to follow his dream. Staying here and following my dream of being a teacher was the right move for me. We would find a way to make the distance work. He had to see this through, especially with everything he endured living with Dean and the fall out that came afterward.

I never should have told him to go. I need him.

I can already feel my heart slamming into my chest and I haven’t even made it to the door. My breathing is caught on an invisible blockage and it feels like I’m back in high school all over again. It’s only a matter of time before one of the girls from my past slams me from behind and drags me into the washroom to burn and beat me again.

Breathe Belle.

I’ve been working toward this for the last eight months. This moment here and now. Taking necessary steps toward the future I can see so clearly in my mind. Going to school, earning my degree and becoming a teacher like Ms. Taylor; the woman that inspired me.

Standing still for so long, taking in the amount of students moving from point A to point B, none of them even focused on me should make it easy to move forward but it doesn’t.

I’m locked in place and with the way I feel right now, I don’t think I’ll ever move.

Hearing the ringtone before feeling the vibration, I slide my hand into my pocket and pull out my phone. It’s only when I see the familiar name across the brightly lit screen that the blockage seems to lift.

Kayden.

Pushing the green talk button that will connect me to the soothing sound of his voice, I say hello.

You’ve got two minutes before the world ends and can only take two things with you. These two things will remain safe. What do you take?

A book and you. I answer easily, in awe of how easily my heart seems to still at the sound of his voice.

The book comes first? Really Belle? he laughs and I imagine the way his eyes are lighting up as he does it.

I need something to do when I get bored with you.

He laughs again and my heart beats faster, the way it always seems to whenever I’m even remotely close to him. Even with the two hour distance between us right now, it feels like he’s close.

That hurts, Belle.

Thank you. I whisper, needing to get it out even though I know it’s not something he’s going to expect.

For what, baby?

Calling.

How bad is it? he asks, the concern, worry and fear he has for me evident in the way his voice lowers.

It’s—okay. I admit, my voice hitching and giving away my lame attempt at a lie. He’s always been able to see through me before and this time is going to be no different.

No, it’s not. He sighs. I’m coming home. You shouldn’t be doing this alone.

I can’t let him do that. It’s half the reason we had our first real fight before he left to go to Toronto. His concern over how I would adapt to this change, it almost made him turn down the scholarship and stay. It’s something I couldn’t let him do then and definitely not now that he’s already left.

Kay—

No, Belle. I know you said I needed to do this and I eventually agreed, but I didn’t really agree. I just didn’t want to fight. My place is where you are. It always has been.

Kayden Walker has changed a lot over the last year. When we started high school, we ignored each other. Unless you count the times he would go out of his way to call me names in the hall. It was business as usual for us, at least it was until he rescued me from Dillon and the others in the parking lot.

Everything changed for us after that, but Kayden more than me. It’s because of what happened that day that we’re together now. The reason he’s so protective is because he loves me.

I’ll be fine. I just need to settle in. Remember that this isn’t high school.

I hear voices on the other end of the line, faint but distinctly male and I instantly feel bad for taking him away from whatever it is he has going on over there.

Kayden isn’t like me. He can handle change and make friends easily. Something that even with all the changes I’ve made, I can’t do because of my issues. My diagnosis.

You should probably go. I’m sure you’ve got things to do.

He sighs and the sound of it, after not hearing it for so long just makes my already upset stomach worse.

I do have things to do, Belle. Like sit here and talk to my girlfriend before she starts her first class. Keep her calm and remind her that even though I’m two hours away, I’m right there with her and she can do this.

Sweet was never a word I would use for Kayden before. He was never the type. He was closed off, mean and angry, but definitely not sweet. All of that changed last fall and now sweet doesn’t even seem like the right word for what he is. Another change he’s made flawlessly.

I’m scared, Kay.

I know you are, which is why I don’t wanna be here right now. Let me come home, Belle.

No. Your place is there and you’ll be home on the weekend anyway.

This was the one area I caved in on. He wanted to make the drive home every weekend so that we could be together. He wouldn’t take no for an answer and honestly, I didn’t want to say no anyway because I already feel the distance and it’s only been a couple of weeks since he left.

I love you.

I love you too, Kay.

Not as much as me though.

I doubt that.

You chose a book over me. You are my first and only choice. I win. Accept defeat.

I hear the noise before I realize I’ve done it. He’s made me laugh, turning my fear around on me.

Kayden Walker, my protector.

Not going to happen. I say as a giggle escapes, my free hand instantly coming up over my mouth the minute it’s out.

Since when do I giggle?

There she is.

Who?

My girl. My air. He whispers making my heart melt. Do me a favor?

Sure, if I can.

Next time you giggle, don’t try and hide it.

He knows me way too well.

How did you know?

I just do. He pauses and I hear him say something away from the phone, but it’s too muffled to completely make out. Can you do something else for me? It’s something that only you can do and it’s super important.

Okay…

Smile, take a picture and send it to me. It’s been too long since I’ve seen it and the guys, they’re starting to think the beautiful girl’s voice they’ve been hearing for three days isn’t real.

He says the last part with a laugh and again I hear the voices in the background, one in particular and it settles me, allowing me to laugh with him. Dillon. Before I can mention it though, he beats me to it.

Dillon says hey.

Hey back and um, I guess I can send you a picture.

You guess?

Smiling as brightly as I can, the first smile I’ve been able to do since I got here, I snap the picture and send it to him. After a few seconds of absolute silence, I hear the beep on his phone and smile again knowing he’s got it.

I love you. He says, his voice choked, my little surprise obviously hitting its mark. You are so beautiful. Thank you.

Now I’m not imaginary. I say, looking down at my watch and seeing the big bright cat eyes staring back at me. As much as I love the distraction he’s given me, I need to get inside. It’s time to face what comes next.

I gotta go.

Figured that. Do me one more favor okay?

Sure.

If it’s too much, I want you to call me or if talking is too much, text. You’re not alone. Not anymore.

I will. I love you, Kay. I’ll message you after class.

You better and Belle, I love you more.

Ending the call and turning off my phone before putting it back in my pocket, I start taking the first tentative steps forward.

It’s time to get this over with.

I only hope that Kayden’s right and I can get through this.

Chapter One

Kayden

I fucking hate this.

It’s been almost a year since I’ve heard her voice sound this deflated and weak, and I hate it so much because it’s pretty much my fault that it’s happening.

When I scored the full ride to U of T, it was like a dream come true. I’d been busting my ass in my senior year to have better grades. I wanted a scholarship to play ball sure, but I also wanted it for the work I did in class.

Getting what I want though, it always comes with a price. I didn’t want it if Belle wasn’t going to be there with me. She earned scholarships too, but because of her issues, the level of social anxiety she still struggles with and also her sensory issues, I knew she wouldn’t accept any of them. At least not the ones that would bring her to Toronto.

The city is too much even for people who don’t struggle. I know that better than anyone because it’s too much for me sometimes.

She’s better off going to school in Wexfield, but any attempt I tried at staying and being there for her, giving up the scholarship, she turned down.

Belle’s always been like that. I know she’s okay with me being supportive, but she’s always gone it alone and she didn’t want this to be any different, except it is. It’s so fucking different.

I don’t want her doing this alone. I don’t want all the hard work she’s done overcoming the shit that happened before we got together, what she thinks is wrong with her, to fall apart.

There’s not a damn thing wrong with her. I don’t say that because I’m in love. I say it because I just don’t see it, but I know for her, not being able to speak in most situations still, it makes her feel defective and that’s something I definitely don’t want.

I agreed to her terms. I’d come to school here, let her do her thing and come down every weekend, but I hate every second of it. My place is with her. It always has been. She may be able to navigate all this growing up and becoming an adult bullshit on her own, but I can’t.

I’m selfish because I’m the one that needs her.

Long distance relationships, even when it’s only two hours away, fucking blow.

She having a hard time?

Dillon. My roommate and sometimes best friend. He got offered the same deal I did last fall and when I finally told Belle I would see it through, he came along for the ride.

I still can’t believe we’re standing where we are after everything we went through, but there’s no denying that the Dillon that tried to hurt Belle last fall is not the one standing here now. He’s different. We both are. I guess that’s what makes all of this so easy to take.

Yeah.

So when are you leaving? he smirks, proving again why we’re best friends. No one knows the way I think better than Dillon Murphy.

If I had my way, right now, but she doesn’t want that and I don’t wanna make things harder than they already are. So Friday after the game.

Do you want me to call Caddy? Maybe if Belle sees a friendly face it won’t be as hard.

Cadence Taylor is Dillon’s girlfriend. They’ve been together almost as long as Belle and me and just like us, seem to have no end in sight. They found a way to communicate with Skype where even though she can’t hear him, she can see him to read his lips and they’ve been going strong with it ever since. The idea of sending Caddy there to make Belle feel comfortable, is a really good idea. A rarity for him.

You think she’d be cool with that?

You know how she feels about Belle. Say the word and I’ll make the call. Maybe I can get Sarah in on it too.

Sarah Taylor. Cadence’s mom and Belle’s high school teacher. If there’s anyone that could get through to my girlfriend while I’m stuck here wishing I was there, it’s her. No one understands her struggles more than the teacher trained in it.

Do it. If I can’t be there, then she needs someone.

You’re really worried about her, aren’t you?

Understatement, Dill.

I pass over my phone with the picture of Belle still loaded on the screen and the minute he takes it, his eyes go wide.

You’ve seen her smile about as much as I have. Look at that picture and tell me I don’t have anything to worry about.

He nods then sighs and I know he gets it. Belle, when she smiles, it always reaches her eyes, at least it did before we got separated like this. The picture she sent me, even though she’s fucking beautiful, it’s not the same. There’s a fear in her eyes, something I haven’t seen since homecoming and something I never want to see again.

It doesn’t look right on her.

Shit, Kayden. She looks like she did—

I know. Homecoming. I say, cutting him off and he nods.

Yeah that too, but I was thinking that she looks like she did the day I followed her into the bathroom. When she thought I was gonna do what Ames and the others did.

I hate any reminder of that time even though it wasn’t all that long ago. Not just because of what those assholes put her through, but because of everything that was going on with me at the time. I was defending her at every turn, even with my own brother and getting beat on for my trouble. My life since Dean got locked away hasn’t been that dark and I’m not looking for a repeat, even if it is just memories.

Yeah. Now you see why I need to go home.

Dillon pulls out his phone and before I know it, his back is turned and I hear him start to talk, his voice practically a whisper. He’s calling Caddy and trying to keep their words private. Another way we’re alike. We’re head over heels in love with these girls, yet we want to keep it only for us. We don’t wanna share them with the world.

What a difference a year makes.

While he’s on the phone, I decide to take another avenue. There’s still one other person that would do anything to help her. Eric Carmen. Someone that understands what she’s going through better than anyone; even Cadence and Ms. Taylor.

Pulling up his contact information, I let my fingers slide easy over the screen until the text is exactly the way I want it and not giving it a second thought, I hit send and turn back to Dillon and wait.

I meant what I told her on the phone. I’m there with her even though it’s not physically and she isn’t alone. She won’t ever be alone again. Last year and everything we went through, it’s going to remain a distant memory. It has to.

Belle can’t go through this all over again.

She okay? Eric texts just as I see Dillon put the phone back in his pocket.

No. She’s scared and until I can get home, I need ur help.

I’ll head over after school. Don’t worry. I’ll take care of her.

There was a time last year right before Belle and I got back together that I was worried about her and Eric. Hell, if I’m honest I was fucking paranoid about the two of them long before that. It’s because I knew deep down I cared about her and the idea of her with someone else, someone who gets her better than I ever could; it scared the hell out of me.

Him saying what he did in the text would have set me off huge then, but Eric and her, they aren’t like that and with the way he is with his actual girlfriend, it’s just something I know I’ll never have to worry about. He’ll take care of Belle the way he says because she’s his best friend. Period.

Thank God for Amelia Evans. One less thing I need to worry about.

Despite my every attempt to not freak the fuck out when another guy even glances in her direction, it’s happened a lot and it’s another reason I didn’t want to take off and leave her alone to come here. She’s not like everyone else, but that’s what makes her so fucking perfect. People; guys in particular would be blind not to see that and with me so far away, I won’t be able to stop it if it happens.

I may trust her, but that doesn’t mean I trust anyone else. Which means I’m not all that different than I was before I even got with her.

I’m still an insecure jerk.

Cadence said she’s cool with going to check on Belle when her mom picks her up. She still staying at your place?

Yeah. It’s the only way she could get me to leave.

You’ve really got it bad, you know that?

This from the guy that went to get beat on because the girl he loves rejected him to do something nice.

Shut up. It’s different.

No Dill, it’s exactly the same. We’ve both got it bad and if this was happening to you, I know for a fact you wouldn’t be standing here right now.

You’re right. So why are you?

It’s where she needs me to be.

Belle

When I picked my courses, the ones that would lead me to be able to work with Special Needs kids, I went a bit overboard.

Where a lot of the people I graduated with didn’t know what path they were going to take, I knew mine down to the letter. It had to be that way because it’s the way I am. It’s one of my issues. Planning, having a set routine, it’s exactly the same as it was in high school.

The location may change and so might the people but the end result is identical. In order to succeed, my being comfortable with the routine is essential.

There was only one class that I wanted to take that had nothing to do with where I see myself in the future. It was a class strictly for me because I enjoy doing it and it’s that class I’m about to go into now.

So far today, I’ve managed to make it through three classes without completely melting down, even though the lighting almost drove me to it a few times. Over the last year, I’ve managed to get even better with redirecting myself, so the minute it started to be a problem, I did everything I could to stop it.

Getting acquainted with all of the bathrooms this early may seem weird to anyone else, but it’s something that soothed me. I needed to know that should I need it, I had a safety place where I could collect myself away from the prying and judgmental eyes of others.

Sure, this isn’t high school anymore and I don’t have to fear Amy, Charlotte and the others, but this might be even more nerve racking because everything is so unknown.

Walking into the class and finding a seat in a back row closest to the door, I settle in and give myself a mental pat on the back for making it this far without an incident. It’s in that moment when I finally start believing this might be easier than I thought, everything changes.

I feel the breeze from the door being swung open first and turning toward it, a guy comes through, about my height and thinner than the other guys I’ve seen today. His buzzed head is lowered so far to the floor that it’s blocking me from getting a full view of his face, but there’s no mistaking the way he’s hunched over when he’s walking.

The same way Eric used to walk the halls last year. The very same walk I had for my first three years there.

It’s obvious that whoever this guy is, he’s been on the receiving end of the same taunting, bullying and pain I have and even though I don’t know him, I immediately feel bad.

Before he can even make it to a seat, the door swings open again and three girls enter, two blondes and one with a mixture of red and brown hair. They’re followed by two really tall guys that remind me of Kayden and Dillon. All of them laughing and pointing at the guy as he moves down the stairs.

It’s the words they say next that get to me most. The ones that slam the point home that college really is no better than high school. The only difference is that the bullies are a little older and the one’s being bullied are a little more broken down.

Haunted.

I didn’t realize retards were eligible to go here. The one meathead says which just makes my blood boil. That word really bugs me, but before I can react to it in some way, not wanting to sit and take it even if it’s not directed at me, I hear the girls giggle and more information falls into my lap about the boy slumping his way to the front of the room.

Isaac is just screwing with everyone. I bet he’s not mute and he does it to get sympathy.

Isaac. Mute.

Blocking out their laughter and hurtful words, I focus my attention back on the guy I now know is Isaac and watch as he finally settles on a seat right in the very first row. Seeing the empty seats and taking the chance, I slide myself out of the seat and I make my way out of the aisle, but not before I hear the jerks speak again.

What do we have here?

That one is way out of your league, bro.

Sounds like a challenge, Bry.

The other guy laughs and where my blood was boiling a few minutes ago with the name calling, its frozen now. Taking the steps as quickly as I can until I’m directly at the end of the aisle that Isaac is sitting in, I slow myself down until I’m standing to his right. Placing my backpack down onto the floor, I slide into the seat and when he turns and acknowledges me, I smile weakly.

His head dips down, his eyes locked hard on the floor in front of him and that’s when I decide to take another chance.

Sliding my notebook out of my bag, I lay it across my leg and scribble out a quick note before ripping the paper out, closing it and handing it over.

Once he’s run his eyes down the page, I see him reach down into his own bag and when he pulls a pen out, I’m happier than I’ve been since I got here this morning.

Hello Isabelle.

It’s only two words but considering how hard it used to be for me to write two simple words like that, they mean everything to me. I’m not sure why it matters since I don’t know him and I’m struggling with my own set of issues being here, but knowing that me reaching out, writing him and saying hello got through, I feel accomplished.

Like I’ve done something great.

For the first time today, I’m in a class that I’m going to love and sitting beside someone that might just get what it’s like to be me. I’ve hit the jackpot.

Maybe I can get through this after all.

Chapter Two

Kayden

After a week full of grueling practices and the torture that was our first pre-season game, I’m more than ready to get behind the wheel of my car and on the open road that will take me back home.

Hearing back from both Eric and Cadence that Belle seemed off, but more or less okay, it settled me enough to be able to do what I needed to here, but it didn’t lessen the need to see her.

The more time that passed, I missed her more; even with our conversations every night. I called her again that first night, but sensing she wasn’t up for talking, reverted back to the way things were when we first started hanging out.

Texting has always been her comfort zone and with everything she’s having to face on her own, I was more than willing to give it to her. Even if hearing her voice is still one of my favorite things. Second only to her smile.

There was a time not all that long ago when going home used to screw with me. It wasn’t a home then. It was a torture chamber. A place filled with so much hate and sickness that staying out all night, screwing around with Dillon and the other guys was preferable.

It’s all different now. Isabelle and her mom made it that way. My house, the place of horrors that I used to hate, it’s not just a house anymore. It’s a home and it’s all