Hot Buttons Dating Edition

By Nicole O'Dell

The uniquely packaged Hot Buttons Series is an accessible, quick-reference resource that parents can use to equip their children to make the right decisions, even in the face of peer pressure and outside influences. More than just another how-to manual, Hot Button Dating edition offers practical real-life situations that parents can read and discuss with their preteens. Author, mom, and broadcaster, Nicole O'Dell provides short scenarios followed by three or four responses that a teen might choose in that particular situation. Parents are then encouraged to help their children explore the issue, ask questions, and discuss the options, so when a similar situation comes up in real life, the teens are already prepared to respond.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Kregel Publications
• Release date: Jun 1, 2012
• ISBN: 9780825488702

Nicole O'Dell

Nicole O'Dell is a youth culture expert, who writes and speaks to preteens, teenagers, and parents about how to prepare for life’s tough choices. Over the years, Nicole has worked as a youth director, a Bible study leader for women and teens, and a counselor at a crisis pregnancy center. She is the founder of Choose NOW Ministries, which is dedicated to battling peer pressure and helping teens face the tough issues while encouraging their commitment to good decisions. Nicole and her husband, Wil, have six children, including toddler triplets, and reside in Illinois.

Book preview

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What exactly is a hot-button issue? A hot button is any emotional or controversial issue that has the potential to trigger intense reaction. What topics jump to mind that fit this description when you think of teens and tweens? Pretty much everything that pummels your kids with temptation and threatens to pull them away from a walk with God. Music, dating, computer use, texting, partying . . . The list goes on. Moms and Dads, these issues are real and often confusing. They require attention—before they arise. Ignoring them can have dire consequences that our children will have to live with for the rest of their lives. The decision to just wait until an actual situation arises before we face a subject is naive, at best, and possibly lethal. We have both a parental right and a godly responsibility to hit these issues hard, head-on. If we approach them preemptively, our teens will be prepared to face and handle life’s toughest battles.

If you’re like me, watching a child transition into a dating teen is one of the scariest and most momentous periods to face as parents. I think many of us fear it because we still bear scars from our own foray into the world of adult relationships. We’re all too fully aware that teenage dating relationships, and poor choices therein, can lead down a path of pain and destroyed hearts, and leave piles of devastated self-esteem in their wake.

But what do you do? Teens are going to have crushes; they’re going to be attracted to and want attention from the opposite sex. You’re powerless in the struggle. You should just pray hard, hold on, and hope the storm passes with little collateral damage, right?

Wrong.

Mom and Dad, you’re in charge, and you need to set the rules. The teen years are an extremely important preparation time, and you need to stand up and make these years count. You don’t need to get through these years; you need to power through them. Take charge, and make a difference.

Parents need to be in charge, but I’m not advocating for a take-no-prisoners attitude in our homes. Our children need to feel love, not condemnation. They should trust that we’re an ally, not the enemy. In one sense, it’s us against them. Us—our insight, our God-given wisdom, our life experiences—versus them—their temptations, their pressures, their desires. But you’re not fighting against your kids in hopes of coming out victorious over them; you’re in a battle for them.

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. (Eph. 6:12)

Dispel the myth of effective insulation.

As Christian parents we try to insulate our families from negative outside influences. We keep watch over the things that enter their young minds through television, movies, and the like, and we keep them from participating in mature behavior like dating and relationships before they’re ready. This is in no way intended to put them at a disadvantage but to shield them from the wiles of the enemy who whispers lies into their young, eager minds. It’s not enough, however, to just say no (though that’s a good first step).

We may wish we lived in a Christian bubble, able to insulate our children from the world, but pretending we do so ignores a huge need. It results in teens who are sent out into the world unarmed and unprepared for things they can’t avoid. Our kids will face temptation, peer pressure, and sinful desires; it’s a fact. It’s more important to prepare your children than it is to attempt to create a sterile, sin-free environment in a world that makes it impossible.

Don’t you wish we could walk with our kids through the battles of life—guarding and guiding them through each pressure-filled moment, each decision between right and wrong, each temptation? While God-honoring parents absolutely should have high expectations and maintain a tight grip on the reins as they raise their families, we also need to prepare our kids to stand alone.

Nothing we do can fully protect our kids from facing temptations, pressure-filled moments, decisions between right and wrong. You can’t control what their peers throw at them, but you can affect how prepared they are to defend themselves against the onslaught. In each and every pressure-filled moment of decision, there comes a moment just before the final decision is made, a moment when all the preparation, forethought, and wisdom we’ve been equipping our kids with comes to a head. Once the hot button is pushed, the opportunity for laying groundwork is over. They know what they know, and in the heat of the moment there’s no time for anything else. They make a choice based on all the work that came before. And our teens need to be equipped to make the right choice; armed with something more than no; braced by facts, your wisdom, and God’s Word.

Teens will likely face persecution, disappointment, and even out-andout rejection when they choose to stand for what’s right, especially when it comes to their dating choices, and ultimately their purity (which is covered in Hot Buttons Sexuality Edition). If we’re proactive, our children can reach their teen years empowered to make hard choices in the face of those afflictions—willing to withstand and endure them for the sake of Christ and for their own well-being.

Take the mystery out of sin!

In Mark 14:38, we’re warned to watch and pray about temptation. Even for Christian adults, our spirits might be willing to avoid temptation, but we are cautioned to be attentive because our bodies are weak. How much more so for someone who isn’t prepared for the temptation! We may have raised the most well-intentioned kids on the planet—ones whose spirits are willing—but their flesh is weak. They need to be trained.

Fix these words of mine in your hearts and minds; tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Teach them to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. (Deut. 11:18–19)

Before your kids approach dating age, you need to guide them in the knowledge and application of God’s Word and the pursuit of His will. Ephesians 6:13 says, Put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. (In chapter 10, we’re going to do just that as it pertains to your teens and dating.)

As we move forward in fully equipping them, we need to teach them three things:

  Why it matters

  How to honor their commitments once they make them

  That they aren’t alone

Why does it matter? What’s in it for them if they stand on God’s Word in the face of peer pressure, risking friendships, popularity, feel-good relationships? Our teens need to believe that the Lord has a plan for them and His ways are best. They need to care about arriving at the altar with their hearts intact.They need to see the value in preserving their sexuality and their purity. A time-invested parent, who prays as much as she talks and listens as much as she prays, will raise a child eager and willing to say NO and mean it.

How do they honor their commitments? Making commitments is scary. Preparing for the unknown is challenging. Teenagers need to make commitments with a clear mind and not wait until the pressure hits, but there’s still the risk that they’ll face a temptation and wonder why they ever made the promise in the first place. So, in order to keep those commitments, they need your continued guidance as they adapt to each new phase of life; and they need options—a busy life with wholesome things like church activities and sports, rather than too much time home alone plagued by boredom.

Where will we be during the process? Mom, Dad, Guardian—you need to make a commitment too. Your teen needs to know that you’ll be aware of what’s going on, and that you’ll do whatever is needed to help them honor God, obey you, and respect themselves, including open the door to outside resources when necessary. This all requires time, communication, and godly insight into the minds of your teens. Our kids need to be a part of a family that is serving the Lord and watching parents who practice what they preach, so they can continuously grow in the knowledge of the Word and in relationship with God.

We can be confident parents, even in these scary times!

Today’s choices can have permanent consequences for our children. It’s difficult to let go and trust that everything will just work out fine in the end, knowing that some of our teens’ decisions will affect the rest of their lives. When we recognize that they’re ill-equipped to make those choices, it’s very difficult not to panic. It would be easier to lock them up for a few years and check in at, oh, around