Killer Voicemail: Funny, Clever & Laugh-Out-Loud Messages

By John Carfi and Cliff Carle

130 funny and clever voicemail messages that will highly amuse your callers.

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: Dec 1, 2012
• ISBN: 9780983461531

Book preview

AUTHORS

INTRODUCTION

These days everybody has voicemail. Some people even have voicemail for their pet:

Scruffy isn't in his doghouse right now, he's out chasing cars. But if you have a bone to pick with him, bark a message at the tone … BEEP

Thing is, most outgoing messages are flat out boring:

It's me. Leave a message. Bye now … BEEP

C'mon, you can do better than that! Voicemail is not just a means of identifying yourself and prompting a response, it's also an entertainment medium. There's enough blandness and boredom in the world without you adding to it. It's time to express your inner comic and treat your callers to a good laugh.

SUGGESTIONS FOR A BETTER VM EXPERIENCE:

We've used the designation NAME where you (we hope obviously) say your own name. Most messages will work for either a male or female by simply switching the gender of the pronouns; e.g., he to she (hermaphrodites: ignore this instruction.)

If you want, you can leave out your name. After all, your friends probably have you on one-touch speed dial. They know who they're calling. Same with the generic line, Leave your name, number, and a message at the sound of the tone. After all, voicemail has been around a long time and only aborigines and people who've been in twenty-year comas don't know the drill.

If you purchased this book in America, you live in a free country. By all means edit or personalize to your heart's content. We had a word with the Voicemail Police, and they've assured us they won't come knocking on your door with a warrant for message tampering.

Above all else – and this is what Killer Voicemail is all about – HAVE FUN & SPREAD THE LAUGHTER!

Chapter 1

TRICKSTERS

(For Those Who Can Give A Joke)

MIRANDA-MAIL

(COP VOICE – DEEP AND SERIOUS)

This is Officer NAME. You have the right to remain silent.

If you speak, the message you leave may be used to call you back.

If you do not have a message, the