The Strength of Love

By Jayne Amanda Maynes

“Let me ask you something. If your religion teaches love how do you feel about this wedding?” I asked.
“I'm not sure. From everyone I've talked to since I got here it seems you and my sister do love each other, but according to everything I've been taught it's wrong for two people of the same sex to get married,” they said.
“Your sister? Heather is your sister? I need to ask one more question then, are you here because you want to be here, or are you here because you didn't feel you had a choice?” I asked.
“I love Heather, but it was our understanding she was already married to someone named Alexandra. I know dad said she wasn't part of the family any longer when she told us that fifteen years ago. I never said she wasn't my sister, but everything about her marrying another woman goes against what we were taught,” Erin said.
“That didn't answer my question,” I said.
“Mom and I are here because Heather is still our family and we do love her, but I still think her being married to another woman is wrong,” Erin said.
“Thank you for being honest, I'll wait for my baby sister to come do my makeup, or I'll do it myself then,” I said.
“You don't think I would do a good job?” Erin asked.
“I don't think you'd do your best. If you can't support Heather and I getting married because of your religious beliefs I can't see you being able to set those religious beliefs aside when your doing your job and I'm not willing to take a chance of looking anything but my best for the woman I love with everything in me,” I said.
“But you don't understand, I love Heather and would never do anything to hurt her,” Erin said.
“Except tell her you don't approve of me as her life partner because I happen to be a woman,” I said.
“I didn't say that,” Erin said.
“Didn't you? I do believe you said you think our marriage is wrong because of your religion. You implied that our marriage is worthless because your religion teaches conditional love which isn't love. Love holds no conditions for another. It is giving fully of yourself because it is the right thing to do, even if the person you love doesn't agree with your beliefs. Your love for Heather is conditional or you wouldn't have put those magazines in here to start with since those magazines talk about mine and Heather's marriage as an abomination, and say it's wrong because it goes against the teachings of a book no one really knows how old, and goes against what science has proven to be true time and time again,” I said.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Jayne Amanda Maynes
• Release date: Mar 9, 2016
• ISBN: 9781310616266

Jayne Amanda Maynes

I was born in April 1955 as the heir to my father. My older brother should have been, he had the same initials as dad, but he was mentally retarded and had a heart condition from birth. According to my mother she knew from the time I was growing inside her that I would be a boy and the heir they had hope my brother could have been.I have known for as long as I can remember that I was different that there was something not right about me. I am a M2F (male to female) transsexual. I am currently on HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy); I started on HRT October 1, 2007. I have been in therapy for GID (Gender Identity Disorder) since February 2007. I have not set a time yet for completing my transition to becoming the woman I know I am inside. There are so many things involved in transitioning that most people have no clue about. The differences between the sexes are so vast and all of my life I have led a life that just never fit who I am inside. I have learned so much and yet there is still so much that I still don’t know about being the woman I always knew I was.

Book preview

Chapter 1

I stood there when the judge read the verdict of guilty, and felt numb all over. Guilty? Of being myself, yes! I was absolutely guilty of being myself, but of something that would condemn me to spend the rest of my life in a maximum security prison?

I was taken to the jail as soon as the judge pronounced me guilty, and said I was to serve the remainder of my life behind prison bars without any hope of ever getting out. The part that terrified me the most, wasn't that I had been found guilty of killing myself, but rather than spending my life in a female prison, since I now identified as female, I would be in a male prison, because in the eyes of the court I was male not female. If I was seen as male in the eyes of the court. How could I be guilty of killing the male everyone still saw me as, according to the court?

In the jail I was locked up in solitary, to keep me away from the other inmates waiting to either go before the judge, or out to the prison.

The first night in jail after my sentencing, after lights out, I heard some of the guards talking, and saw something thrown in my cell.

You really think that queen will go along? guard one asked.

It wants to say it's female, and you can bet once it reaches the big house it'll either go all the way, or end up dead within a week, guard two said.

Apparently it didn't matter I was able to hear them talking, or that I knew they were talking about me. To them I was no longer human, I was a thing. As a human I had value, but as a thing, I was only worth whatever value someone else chose to place on me.

One of the guards shined his flashlight in my cell and said for me to put on the item they tossed in. I found the package and unfolded it to find it was a dress that by its look was less than half big enough to fit me.

I heard the lock to my cell click and the door moved.

You can either put that on, or we'll put it on you, guard one said.

I undid the jumpsuit that was standard jail inmate apparel, and slid the dress over my head before letting the jumpsuit fall below my waist.

The dress was tight, but not overly tight, and as I pulled it down I noticed the skirt was longer than it appeared just holding it up in front of me. The top of the dress hugged my breasts, my nipples pushing against the material hard enough anyone would think they were aroused the way they stood out. As I pulled the skirt down I let the jumpsuit fall the remainder of the way to the floor so at no time was my sex visible.

As soon as I stepped out of the jumpsuit I felt one of the guards pull the skirt up hooking the panties I still had on, tearing the material making them no longer wearable.

You want to be a woman? In this jail you'll dress like one as well as act like one. Most of the woman we get in here are prostitutes, and we'll be damned if we're going to let you be the exception, guard two said.

That was what this was all about. They figured the only way I'd ever make it, is if I were willing to be a prostitute, and that meant starting now so when I got to prison I'd be ready. After all I had killed a man as far as they were concerned even though there was no body.

Follow the simple orders we give and you'll have privileges, don't follow our orders and you'll find yourself dead before you even make it to prison, guard one said.

I didn't fight them wanting me to dress in clothes like the dress they gave, and hoped that was as far as they were willing to go, but knew it was only the beginning. They intended to make me prostitute, and were willing to do whatever it took to do so, even kill me if I didn't.

The first night they just had me dress in a dress that barely covered me, and paraded me in front of all the other prisoners and guards, on occasion flipping my skirt up exposing my ass.

When the guard changed they left me in my cell wearing the dress and telling me the other guards would be doing things similar and if I didn't do what I was told they would make sure I regretted ever having been born, like I didn't already regret because of the circumstances I found myself in.

The second shift of guards didn't come by until after breakfast was served and the trays for those of us in solitary were gathered. When they did show up they tossed a bag in my cell telling me to make myself pretty and they would be back in an hour.

I picked up the bag and dumped it on the bed. There was makeup and brushes laying there, all from my own bathroom from before I was arrested. Along with the makeup there was a hand mirror I had never seen, and a razor so I could shave my legs.

An hour later the guards showed back up as I was finishing putting on the lip gloss.

I looked up as I heard the lock on the door release and the door slide open. Standing on the other side of the bars were two guards both with a look in their eyes I felt sure wouldn't bode well for me if I didn't do exactly what they said.

That looks great, but I think this dress would be a better choice, one of them said tossing a dress on the bed.

I reached down picking up the dress and knew it had a shorter skirt than the one I was wearing and the top would show even more of my breasts. I kept my back to the guards as I pulled the dress I was wearing over my head and was stopped as soon as the dress was covering my face so I couldn't see anything.

The guard turned me around and released me to finish taking off the dress and putting on the other dress.

I felt their eyes burning into me, but didn't dare turn away again. I knew this was going to be something that would be repeated daily until I no longer turned away from them seeing me naked.

I stepped into the new dress pulling the shoulder straps on my shoulders and reached behind to pull up the zipper, looking at the floor the whole time.

That wasn't very sexy, the only guard from this set to speak so far said.

They threw a pair of shoes on the bed and I sat down and put them on and almost fell when I stood back up. It had been a long time since I had worn heels anywhere near as high or small as these heels were.

We're going for a little walk, and a visit with someone who can teach you how to fix your hair, the guard said.

I wasn't given an option about taking their little field trip and found myself constantly pulling down on the skirt of the dress they insisted I wear. I heard several of the other inmates cat call me and make comments about what they wanted to do to me.

At a cell on the other end of the block from me the guards told me to go in and wait, the person who lived there should be back shortly, and would be instructing me in how to fix my hair and a few other things.

I sat in a chair in a corner waiting. There were several books and magazines most either pornography or hyper masculine in nature. I suspected whoever this cell belonged to was into weight training of some sort and sure if it came down to fighting I wouldn't stand much of a chance.

They said you were cute, a man that made at least two of me said entering the cell.

I looked up and smiled knowing if I didn't do exactly what this man said chances of living much longer were slim at best. Never had fear been something I let control me, but it had never been something so heavy before.

Looking in this mans eyes told me if I accepted who he wanted me to be I wouldn't need to fear his wrath and he just might be willing to do all he could to protect me from others.

What's your name? he asked.

Alex, I replied so meekly I wasn't even sure I heard my reply.

I'm guessing that's short of something else? he asked.

Alexandra! I said.

Have you got a middle name Alex? he asked.

Kate, I said.

Is that short for something? he asked.

No, just Alexandra Kate, I said.

I want you to start using your middle name for everyone but me. You follow my instructions and I'll do all I can to keep you safe, he said.

I looked down afraid to meet this mans gaze any longer knowing anything he asked, or told me, I would do. I felt safe in his presence, but knew that safety wouldn't last long if I acted like his equal rather than allowing him to believe he was my superior.

He reached over placing a finger under my chin and raising my head so we again had eye contact.

Alex I mean what I said, I can keep you safe in here, but it means doing what I say. If anyone asks, you tell them you belong to me. It won't take long and everyone here will know, if they do, or say, anything, they'll have to answer to me, but only if you act like you belong to me. I've never mistreated a woman and that does include women like you, he said.

I swallowed with the desire to live, but the desire for freedom burned just as deep and thanks to those I should have been able to trust most, freedom was something I would never again know.

How much say will I have if I agree to be yours in here? I don't even know your name, I said.

You don't know why I'm in here either, do you? he asked.

I shook my head hoping only that I would be able to trust he would protect me without me having to do things I found to objectionable.

Does it really matter why your in here? I know your sentence was almost as long as mine, I said.

He chuckled which I hoped was a good sign.

I wish I could promise you'd never have to be with anyone else, but the truth is I couldn't protect either of us if I tried to push something like that. In here there aren't many woman, and some of the men in here aren't afraid to force another man to act like a woman in order to gain protection, he said.

And since I do want to be a woman, that would move me to the top of the list for that kind of person? I asked.

You only want to be a woman? Is Alexandra your legal name or just one you made up for now? he asked.

It's my legal name, and part of the reason I'm here. My family didn't care that I dressed like a woman, or even that I started taking hormones. When I petitioned the courts to make Alexandra my legal name they convinced everyone I killed the person they knew, I said.

So you never really killed anyone? he asked.

Why would I kill someone? I'm sorry, I guess in a way I did kill their idea of who I should be, so in a round about way I guess I killed myself, I answered.

He again chuckled at the comment.

He never did tell me his name, only that he did love the time we shared and he hoped we would be able to share more time over the years we would both be locked away from society.

He made love to me allowing me to be the woman I always knew I was inside. When the guards came to take me back to my cell it was a single guard who genuinely seemed concerned with seeing I was treated like a person.

This new guard seemed so friendly. I didn't want to trust him, but couldn't help but like him.

He really does care about you, the guard said.

I stood there my head down waiting for anything that might show this man was the same as all the others had been.

From what I've seen neither of you should be here. It seems you were setup, and Marc was just trying to protect what he loved most, the guard said.

I felt a tear start rolling down my cheek. So that was my protectors name, Marc. This guard confirmed Marc's story about why he was here, and from his words seemed genuinely surprised either Marc or I were being locked away for something neither of us had done.

Why does it matter to you what society does to either me or Marc? I asked just before stepping in my cell.

Marc is my brother-in-law. He killed those men trying to protect my sister and niece, he said.

I can understand why you care for Marc, but what difference do I make? Even my family doesn't care what happens to me, I said.

The cell door slid shut and the guard walked away never giving an answer.

Did I belong to Marc now? I did, but not in hopes he could protect me. Maybe he could and maybe he couldn't, it didn't really matter. I belonged to him because when I was with him I cared. Until I met Marc since this whole thing started I hadn't cared about living, and since meeting Marc I did care. I cared because Marc cared. I cared because I couldn't let Marc go through the hell we were both condemned to alone.

It didn't matter to me what I had to do to protect Marc, I'd do it. Since this started he was the only person to treat me like a person.

Lights out meant another change in the guard back to the guards from the previous night, and again the package thrown through the bars of my cell.

You didn't really think we were going to let you spend another night in a dress did you freak? guard one said as more a statement then a question.

I didn't say anything, as if there would have been anything to say.

I picked up the package laying it out on the bed. Seeing what it was I started undoing the dress I was wearing, this time without trying to show any modesty since I knew these two animals would only make things worse if I did. I slipped on the baby-doll and just stood there waiting for whatever was next. The baby-doll didn't do anything to hide my sex, and I knew that was what they wanted, because in their minds it proved I wasn't what I claimed.

For the next hour they did everything they could to humiliate me, and only succeeded in making themselves look petty and small minded in front of the other prisoners able to see and hear what was going on.

I knew word of what they were doing was going to get back to Marc, and didn't want him to do anything that might be considered foolish, or dangerous. I was sure I could handle these asses and hoped I would get the chance to talk to him before he tried dealing with the situation.

The door to my cell clicked and slid open and I knew if mine wasn't the only cell open things were going to get ugly quickly for me and I would be lucky to survive.

Neither guard entered my cell, or indicated they wanted me to come out, instead looking up and down the row of cells as though fearing all the other cells came open as well. I didn't get near the door of my cell for fear if I did the guards would claim I was trying to escape.

Shortly after the door opened I heard someone say something about only a fool would dare do to me what these guards were trying to do.

I started gathering the few things I had together, figuring before this was over I would be moving down the cell block to Marc's cell to prevent these two guards from attempting what they did this time.

Katie is that everything? the guard that lead me back to my cell before lights out asked.

I nodded it was and he indicated I should follow him.

Yours wasn't the only cell unlocked, but it was the only cell opened. I'm afraid we used you to draw those two out, he said.

Can I ask where I'm going? I asked.

Do you trust Marc? he asked.

With my life, I said.

It was agreed that if you were able to handle this you could be with him. Katie he didn't like the idea of us using you this way, but you were the only one here we were sure they would play out their game with. He knew what was going on and agreed to let us handle it as long as we promised you wouldn't get hurt, he said.

I wasn't scared for myself, I said. I was terrified of what Marc might do if I did get raped or killed.

He looked over at me with a vague understanding shining in his eyes.

Chapter 2

The next week was very quiet. After I was moved to Marc's cell no one seemed interested in me, whether out of fear of Marc, or just the fact I wasn't exactly female in every way, I didn't know and didn't really care. I knew I loved Marc, and felt certain he loved me as well.

We were scheduled to be transferred to the prison that would be our home for the next twenty years for Marc and the remainder of my life.

Marc's brother-in-law came by the morning we were to leave giving me a package, he suggested I open before we left.

Alex if you aren't wearing that before you leave here, they'll probably take it away, and trying to get it back won't be easy. I know it will likely wear out before long, and I promise I'll try to make sure you always have one if you like it, but I can't promise anything, he said.

I opened the package and shook at the thought of what it contained.

I hoped you would be glad to have it. I know my sister wore one until she was finally able to have her surgery, he said.

How could he so misunderstand, and think I wouldn't be very appreciative of the gift. I knew this was likely to be as close I would ever get now to having the surgery to align my body with my mind.

I threw my arms around him drawing him into a hug and kissed him on the cheek.

Thank you so much, I said tears running down my cheeks.

Marc walked back in our cell and just stood there not sure what he was seeing.

Dave so help me if you did anything to hurt her again... Marc said.

I was afraid maybe I did, but now I'm not sure, Dave said.

Don't be silly, either of you. I'm not hurt I just never expected anything like this, I said holding up the item from the package.

So you don't feel I was trying to tell you, you aren't what you... Dave started to ask.

I know this is likely to be as close as I'll ever get to having a body that matches who I know I am, I said.

Both men turned their backs blocking anyone from being able to see in the cell while I slipped on the present Dave brought me.

Once I had the item in place I touched each of them on the shoulder as a show of thanks for the little privacy they offered.

An hour after receiving the gift from Dave, Marc and I were taken down to the bus that would take us to the prison we would both be calling home for a very long time.

Once on the bus there were a few comments mostly from the guards, and I did my best to ignore them, but still felt the sting in each comment I heard. At the prison the guards saw Marc and never said anything as long as he was around, but as soon as he was processed they started making all kinds of comments, mostly aimed at me and trying to dehumanize me.

They made me strip down and one of them said something about a mistake that I should have been taken to the women's prison. Another one looked at my file and said there wasn't a mistake, everything in my file said I was male even though I had a female name and from all appearances was female.

They finally got me processed in and Marc met me when I emerged inside the prison.

I'm surprised it took so long for them to get you processed, it was my understanding the paperwork was supposed to be done already, Marc said.

They thought there was a mistake since all they saw after making me strip down was a woman, I said.

I guess since I don't know any of those idiots... Alex we won't be allowed in the general population for a couple weeks. Once we are I know most of the guards and by now they should know you're with me, so should leave you alone, until then I don't know what's going to happen, Marc said.

Every day of the following couple weeks showed how little regard those who weren't inmates had for those of us who were. To them we were less than human and I was even less human in their eyes than the other inmates were. I was sure Marc was going to get in fights with them several times, which I knew would do neither of us any good since it would have separated us.

It took all I could to do to calm Marc and get him to let go of the insults thrown at me by those guarding us.

The last day before we were to be assigned to our cells in the general population two of the guards tried to rape me, and both earned a trip to the hospital for their efforts. One of them wanted oral sex and while I didn't show any signs of protest initially they did find out I wasn't willing as soon as they were undressed. One of them tried sticking his member in my mouth and had it bitten almost off for the trouble, the other I had in my hand and when I bit down on the one I sank my nails into the scrotal sack of the other almost tearing his balls off before he was able to get away.

When the med team showed up and saw what the problem was they laid both on stretchers and the remainder of the guards stood by laughing. Each time one of them looked at me there was fear in their eyes.

I was taken before the warden I was sure was in trouble.

Tell me what happened? the warden asked.

Nothing sir, I replied.

Nothing? I find that hard to believe. We have one man who likely as not will lose his member and another with his scrotal sack torn open leaving his testes hanging in the air you were the only other person in the room and didn't see a thing? the warden asked.

I didn't say I didn't see anything, only that nothing happened other than them getting what they asked for, I said.

And what pray tell did they want? the warden asked.

The one who got his member bit off wanted a blow job, and the other one wanted a hand job, I said.

So you did that to them? the warden asked.

I'd like to think they did it to themselves by trying to force something they shouldn't have. Sir, everyone knows I'm in here for killing someone, they also know there was never a body found which means either I chopped it into little pieces or found a way of hiding it where no one would ever be able to find it, or that the charges that landed me here are false, and the reason there was never a body found was because there never was a body, I said.

I know the reason your here and while I don't think you should have ever faced charges, you are here now. If something like this becomes a regular thing I can assure you your time here will be pure hell, the warden said.

Sir, since you do know the truth of why I'm here, I'm hoping you are willing to understand had those men not tried to force themselves on me they wouldn't be in the hospital now, and they are very lucky it was me who dealt with the situation rather than the inmate I belong to. If you try separating me and Marc you will have trouble you don't need, but if you will allow Marc and I to stay together I can promise we will both be model inmates, I said.

In my book neither of you should even be here. I do know the particulars of his case as well. As long as you keep your word to me, I have no problem with the two of you staying together, the warden said.

I smiled on my way back to the cell block. I wasn't sure what Marc would say, but I had given my word and I intended to do all I could to keep it.

What happened Alex? Marc asked when I got back to our cell.

Those two asses that thought they were better than we are, found out what getting fucked unwillingly means, and are now in the hospital, I replied.

He smiled trying to figure out what I could mean. He didn't ask any more questions I was sure hoping to find out more once lights out was called.

Do you own me Marc? I asked.

I'm not sure I understand, Marc said climbing in the bunk with me.

I told the warden if he was willing to keep us together we would be model inmates, I said.

You interpret that to mean I own you? Marc asked.

I interpret that to mean the only way I have of fending off unwanted advances like what those two guards tried is you own me, I said.

I'm still not following your train of thought, Marc said.

I guess it means that if someone wants to have sex with me they'll come to you for a yes, or no, you would set the price and either they're willing to meet the price, or if they try raping me they'll face your wrath, I said.

From what I heard facing your wrath should be enough discouragement to stop most of them, Marc said.

For how long? Marc, how long can I hope to avoid being gang raped without someone else to help protect me in this place? I asked.

He lowered his gaze and started shaking with the thought of what I asked. He knew even with word of what I had done to stop those two guards it wouldn't take long and others would try. If he were to claim ownership of me it would go a lot further in discouraging them from trying, but not stop them entirely.

The only real hope either of us had was if the governor, or the higher courts were willing to get involved and declare our murder trials the shames they were thus releasing us from this prison with either time served, or clearing the murder charges from our records entirely.

We moved into the main population and Marc and I were assigned the same cell. It didn't take long and several of the other inmates where asking about our situation, and learning what I had done to the guards who tried raping me. The more the other inmates learned about what I had done the fewer of them seemed interested in sex with me. All I could figure was they were afraid something similar might happen to them.

I need to know if you would fight someone if I made arrangements? Marc asked.

Are you saying you want me to be with others? Marc, if you own me I'm bound to whatever you want, I know you don't want to share me with anyone else, and to be honest I don't want to be with anyone else, but I gave myself to you back when we were waiting to come to this hellhole. If you ask I'm willing to abide your request. I only ask if you do sell time with me, you do it for a price appropriate to what you feel I'm worth. I promise I'll never give you trouble unless you just try giving me to others. I said.

The second week in general population I was told I had a visitor. I headed for the visitor area wondering who it could be since I knew no one in my family cared about where I was since they were the ones who put me here. I thought of each of the members of my family and the secrets I knew of each of them. My twin sister was the only one with a secret that would have gotten her ostracized by the rest of the family, but even that ostracism wouldn't have been as bad as what I got.

I walked in the visitor room and there sat my twin sister.

What do you want Kathy? I asked, as soon as I was close enough she could easily hear me.

I... Alex I... Kathy stammered.

You what? I'm here because of you and the rest of the family, so what do you want? I asked again.

I can't imagine what this is like for you, Kathy said.

I just stood there looking at her not understanding why she was here, or what she might want.

I... Mom and dad found out I'm a lesbian, Kathy finally said.

They didn't find out from me, so what do you want? I asked

I never had a clue what you went through from all of us. I guess I want to apologize for not standing by you when... Alex I'm sorry for everything you're going through because of me, Kathy said.

If you're looking for forgiveness from me you had that a long time ago, I said.

I'm not asking for your forgiveness, how could I, when I can't begin to forgive myself. I wanted to let you know I talked to the governor and told him everything, Kathy said.

Did it do any good? Is the governor going to do anything? Kathy even if the governor does try pardoning me I won't accept it unless he's willing to pardon my cell mate in here, I said.

She gave me a dumbfounded look, as though to ask if I really said what it sounded like.

We spent another half hour talking before the guard said our time was up and I had to return to the cell-block.

Kathy sat there watching me walk away wondering if I was crazy after all. She tried to tell me she was working on getting me out, and I told her I wouldn't leave unless someone else got out with me.

Dare I ask who it was? Marc asked when I got back to our cell.

Aways dare. It was my sister, I said.

So at least one member of your family is standing by you? Marc asked.

I didn't say that. Kathy is a lesbian, I guess she finally told the rest of the family and has been disowned, and was hoping I would still accept her. Marc she said she went to the governors office and explained everything, I said.

So you might be getting out of here? Marc asked.

Not unless you are. I won't accept a pardon unless they're willing to give you one as well, I said.

He didn't say anything, but did give me a strange look. He knew if it were just him he could survive, but wasn't sure he could protect me.

After meeting Marc, I didn't care about anything but protecting him. I loved him and to try living without him now was something I couldn't begin to comprehend trying to do. Everything inside me screamed it was up to me to protect him in any way possible, and that meant being with him in whatever circumstances we were in.

The weeks passed slowly without either Marc or I getting any visitors. Three weeks after my sister came to see me she came again, this time bringing her life partner with. When I was informed I had a visitor I was reluctant to go see who it was unless Marc was willing to come with me. When we got to the visitor center the guard started to refuse to allow Marc in since the visitor was there for me not him.

Either you allow Marc in with me, or you can tell my visitor I'm not available, I said.

The guard looked from me to Marc and stepped aside allowing both of us to pass.

Hello again little sister, I said walking up behind Kathy.

Kathy whipped around and threw her arms around me pulling me into a hug that almost took my breath.

Alex I wanted to come sooner, but things kept getting in the way. Have you heard from the governors office yet? Kathy asked, looking at Marc, with fear in her eyes.

No, I haven't heard from anyone since the last time you were here. You don't need to be afraid of Marc he's my cell-mate, I said, leaning in closer and whispering that he was also the love of my life.

You mean he's the one..., she started to say and just trailed off.

I watched as understanding settled in. Kathy and I had sworn a long time ago there wasn't anything we couldn't share. It was then I told her I felt like I should have always been a girl and she told me she thought she liked girls better than boys in every way.

So whose your friend? I asked.

Introductions were made along with hugs and handshakes. Hearing my name Kathy's friend insisted on hearing both mine and Marc's stories of why we were in prison. As both our stories started to unfold Kathy's friend started asking questions. With each answer we gave, her look deepened as the horror of what was done to us unfolded.

No promises were made, but I could see in her eyes that the governor was going to hear about us.

I don't understand why you insisted on telling your sisters friend our stories, Marc said when we got back to our cell.

You don't know who she is, do you? I asked.

You mean beside your sisters girlfriend. I'm sorry I haven't got a clue, Marc said.

Did you see the newspaper last week? I asked.

I didn't read all of it, why? Marc asked.

When I knew it was my sister here to see me I knew who her girlfriend was because of an article I saw in the newspaper last week. Marc my sister was mentioned in the article, an article about the governors sister coming out as lesbian, I said.

So that was the governors sister? Marc asked.

Who better to share our stories with than someone who can do something? Didn't you notice the hour visits are normally cut off, came and went while we were talking to my sister and her girlfriend? I asked.

You think... Alex I doubt it will do any good for me, Marc said.

It will do as much good for you as it will for me, didn't you hear me tell them if you weren't included in a pardon I wouldn't accept one either? Marc what you did was no more wrong than what I did, we were both railroaded, I said.

I think I heard a little more than that, Marc said.

You overheard what I whispered to my sister then? I meant every one of those words, I said.

How could I tell him I no longer cared if I lived or died until I met him. That until he showed me love, I had given up on anything good ever being in my life.

He knew my story how when I changed my legal name, my family not only turned away from me, but did all they could to prove I wasn't even human. He saw me when I was first booked into jail waiting to come out to the prison. He should have been aware of how I changed after meeting him and started showing signs of wanting to live again.

When I was found guilty and sentenced to life I didn't care if I lived or died, until I saw you and the love of life you had, Marc said.

We saved each other, something I wasn't aware of. I had no idea how hurt he was over the loss of his wife and daughter, or how lost he was about being charged with murder for trying to protect them from the two men who raped and murdered them.

Both of us had been wronged in ways most people couldn't begin to understand, and it was the love we saw in each other that saved both of us from the indifference of living or dying.

I love you Marc! Everything I am right now is because of the love you gave me, I feel the need to give back and live, because you accepted me for me, I said.

He looked stunned, because he saw it as me having given him a reason to live, and now he knew he had given me a reason to live and care.

We talked about how we had come to mean so much to each other and what we hoped for in the years ahead, never forgetting where we were, or what the real chances were of either of us ever getting out alive. We knew the chances of never having the other inmates try to rape me were slim at best, and while I had given reason for them to not try, it was only a matter of time before someone would.

Every day was a day of managing just to maintain our sanity hoping for what could have been.

Another two weeks went by before I again heard from my sister, this time in a letter inviting me to her wedding. When Marc came in and saw me crying he sat on the bunk next to me and just held me until I was ready to talk.

I explained to him the reason for the tears, that my sister had invited me to her wedding, but because of the injustice done to us I saw no way of being there. He held me not saying anything, but I knew he understood how I felt.

A few weeks after receiving the invitation I received another letter, this time from my mother. When I saw the return address I set it aside not wanting to open it to see my mother not only condemn me further, but also condemn my sister. I knew if anything mom would blame me because Kathy was homosexual.

Marc saw the letter when he came in the cell. I take it that isn't from your sister? Marc asked.

I think it's from my mother, I replied.

He didn't say anything more, but did look at the letter again. I knew he wanted me to read it since he also knew it was likely I would share it with him. In all the time we had been together he hadn't had one visitor or letter from the outside, while I had my sister who came to see me twice and now a letter from my sister and my mother, if I was right about who this was from.

Marc knew why I was in prison, that it was my parents and siblings who did all they could to insure I was locked away where no one could be exposed to me publicly. He also knew I hadn't disowned my family even though they had disowned me.

The longer he sat there looking at the letter not saying anything the more I wanted to scream. I didn't want to hear how bad I was again, and was sure that was what that letter contained. I stood up and walked over to where the letter was and tossed it at him.

Maybe if you read it, you'll understand better, I said.

He opened the letter and started reading it. After having read through the first page he set it on the bed next to him.

I think maybe you should read this Alex. If it's from your mother I really think you should, Marc said.

I gave him a look that couldn't be defined as anything but hate and fear. Surely after reading what he did he could finally understand the hate and contempt my family had for me.

Alex I know you think this is just your family trying to dump more guilt on you, but I still think you should read it, Marc said.

I picked up the letter and didn't recognize the hand writing. If this was from mom I should have easily been able to recognize the handwriting, but this handwriting was different.

To Alexandra DeMay;

It has come to my attention the injustice done you and I wish to offer my regrets for any suffering you may have been through thus far. I understand your sister Kathrine has been in touch with the governor along with her life partner, who if I am not mistaken also happens to be the sister of the governor, but to no avail. It is my understanding the person you are supposed to have murdered is still very much alive, since you happen to be that person. I also understand you have said that unless the person imprisoned with you, a Marc Adleson, is not granted a pardon you wouldn't be willing to accept one. Knowing the particulars of your case I insisted my staff do all they could to obtain the particulars of Mr Marc Adleson as well.

I set the letter on the bed and started crying. The return address said mom and dad, but this letter wasn't from them, it was from someone who could make the whole thing as though it never happened. Actually no one could ever make it like nothing ever happened, but as far as the law, they could make it disappear as though it never happened.

Marc came over and put his arm around my shoulders offering what comfort he could.

Alex it might not be a good idea to get excited about what is in this letter, it's from the Department of Justice not the White House, Marc said.

I looked up at him not understand what the difference was at first.

The President can give a pardon for no other reason than he chooses to, the Department of Justice can only call for an investigation into wrong doing in cases like ours, Marc said.

I picked up the letter and started reading again. The second page was my mothers handwriting and said she hoped I didn't hold her responsible for what happened. When she found out what was going on she tried to say something and no one would listen.

I knew mom hadn't been to the court during the trial and assumed she didn't care what happened since she had voiced multiple times her displeasure about me transitioning.

Chapter 3

It took a year before I heard anything about my appeal and the news wasn't good. The word I got was the courts didn't see anything in my case worthy of retrying the case. I shook my head and felt like crying knowing there were no tears left. It seemed everyone, but the courts, and my father knew I had no business in prison, but the courts felt prison was exactly where I did belong.

Alex are you alright? Marc asked.

I'm fine, have you heard anything on your appeal? I asked.

I'll be back in court in two weeks. It seems some of the evidence used to convict me was planted, Marc said.

I smiled knowing if his case went back to trial he would be released on self defense. I wanted to tell him my appeal had been turned down, but didn't want to have him worrying about what might happen to me and thus turn down his chance to return to the life he never should have lost.

The days dragged by with the new court date for Marc drawing closer and closer. Two days before his appeal hearing he was transferred back to the county jail leaving me alone for the first time since arriving at the prison.

I hoped I would never see Marc on the inside of the prison again and wished without hope that something would happen to get me out as well.

The third week after Marc was taken back to the county jail I got word he was released with time served and two years probation. I knew the chances of ever seeing him again weren't good. I tried to pen a letter to tell him wishing him all the best life held and let him know I would forever cherish the time we spent together. Each time I started to write I broke down in tears. After the tenth time I just gave up and hoped he would know how much he meant to me. I knew I would never be able to put what I felt on paper, and didn't have anyway of making sure he would get it even if I could have.

The forth week after Marc left the other inmates started showing an interest in me sexually which scared me to no end. I knew it was only a matter of time and someone would successfully rape me, and with Marc gone there was no longer anyone to help. The fact I made it a year without someone raping me told me just how much I needed Marc, or someone like him.

After Kathy's wedding invitation I never received anymore mail or visits from her and the one letter was all I ever received from mom.

Six months after Marc left I was moved to solitary for my safety. I hadn't received any of my hormones since being booked into county jail and I was feeling really horrid because of it. I stopped caring about anything again knowing the sooner I died the sooner I would find relief. I couldn't be what others wanted, and they weren't about to let me be who I was. Two weeks after going to solitaire I made my first attempt at suicide, taking the razor I had apart and slitting both wrists just after lights out.

For some reason the guards didn't follow protocol and made a last round before I even passed out from blood loss. When I woke in the hospital and knew I was still alive I tried to move hoping to tear out any stitches that might have been put in, and found I was fully restrained so I couldn't do anything but cry.

I didn't want to live any longer so why didn't they let me finally kill the one person I was supposed to have already killed. Rather ironic isn't it? I was sent to prison for killing the man I was supposed to have been, and now that I did try killing him they stopped me, and put me in restrains to keep me from attempting to try again.

I understand you cut yourself, some fool said sitting next to the bed I was tied to.

If the guards would have followed procedure we wouldn't be having this conversation and they would finally have a body for the murder I was sent to prison for, I said.

I don't think I understand, they said.

Of course you don't understand, I said. I was sent to prison for killing Alexander Kevin DeMay. The day I was arrested for the murder, I legally changed my name from Alexander Kevin DeMay, to Alexandra Kate DeMay.

So you were sent to prison for killing yourself? they asked.

What difference does it make anymore. Since going to prison I had one sister visit me twice and send me a letter inviting me to her wedding which I couldn't attend because I was in prison, and one letter from my mother. After being locked in solitary for what they said was my own protection I've had no contact with anyone, even the guards refused to talk to me. So you tell me what difference it make whether I live, or die. It would cost the tax payers a lot less to just let me die then keep me alive, I said.

They stood up and walked out. They didn't say anything, just walked out like everyone else in my life had done.

I laid on that bed after the person who wanted to justify me trying to live left for what seemed hours, and someone else came in.

Do you know what the Bible says? the person asked.

Sure it says love your neighbor as you love yourself, do you know why I was sent to prison, and felt so alone, I would consider suicide? I asked.

I'm sorry? they said.

That's what I thought. Why don't you take your foolish BS somewhere else and see if you can't convince someone who hasn't been so abused by the religion you seem to care so much about, I said.

What makes you think I don't care? they asked.

Do you think LGBT people should have the same rights you have, the right to marry the person they love, the right to be who they know they are, and accepted for who they are? I was sent to prison by holier than thou religious assholes, I said.

With an attitude like that you belong in prison, they said.

More then likely, and with an attitude like yours you deserve the Hell your religion talks about, I replied.

The person stomped out and I felt much better.

That's two people you chased off, someone said coming in the room.

The only reason they had for running off as they did is they didn't know what they were talking about, I said.

And what about me? Will I be told I'm less than perfect because I haven't been there to help for the last few months? he asked.

I'm glad you weren't there, but I wish you weren't here now too. They denied my appeal, I said.

I'm here now, and I'll be here as long as you need me, he said.

They put me in solitary and said it was for my protection. I was so alone and just wanted it all to stop, I said.

If you promise you won't try tearing the stitches out I'll remove the restraints, I have something that I hope will make things better for you, and I really would hate to lose you, he said.

Marc unless you have a way for me not to have to go back there I still don't have any reason to live any longer, I said.

It's a marriage license, hormones, and someone who loves you and doesn't want to lose you. It also includes a pardon and surgery, Marc said.

The tears started flowing again with the thought he had been able to accomplish what my sister and mother failed.

Are you asking me to marry you? I asked.

You were the only reason I cared the whole time I was there. I wanted to visit you every day after I was out, but needed to talk with a few people and explain what happened. I hoped it wouldn't take as long as it did, and when I heard you tried to kill yourself I told them I needed to get back here as fast as possible. I was afraid I lost you, Marc said.

After I was sentenced I didn't care if I lived, or died, until I met you. I kept going for you. You didn't belong there and I was willing to do anything to make sure you were safe. Marc I had no hope other than you, I said.

He looked devastated that the only reason I showed signs of life when we were together was because of him and the thought he left me alone for so long. He didn't know me before we both found ourselves in jail, but after we met he never saw me where he could have believed I didn't love life.

He again offered to remove the restraints if I'd promise not to try hurting myself again.

Marc I don't care if you don't remove the restraints if you'll at least help make it so I can sit up a little, I said.

He made some adjustments to the bed so I was sitting more than laying. At first the restraints hurt, but the more of a sitting position I was in the less they hurt.

I have something for you. It isn't big, but it's the best I could do for now. He held out a box that had a beautiful ring in it. I hope it's the right size, your sister helped me pick it out, Marc said.

I felt a tear hit my cheek knowing if all he said were true there was no longer anything standing in the way of us being together, other than me being in the hospital under suicide watch.

I hope you'll consent to becoming my wife, Marc said.

Another tear started rolling down my cheek followed by even more. From the time I had met this man I hadn't been able to think of anything other than making sure he was safe. Each day we were together life meant everything, and was beautiful even in the circumstances we found ourselves.

I tried to write you a letter and gave up because I didn't know how to express what I felt in a way that you might understand. When I heard you were out I was so happy for you, and hoped I would never see you again because of where I was. Marc I... I fell silent not knowing what to say.

He didn't say anything I was sure not knowing what he could say. He started undoing the restraints holding me and before releasing the ones holding my arms leaned over giving me a kiss.

When his lips touched mine I melted and would have promised anything if only he would tell me he loved me. I didn't dare hope to hear those words, but reflecting on everything he said thus far, I heard them just the same. He said he wanted me to be his wife, that he never wanted to be apart from me again.

As soon as my arms were free I wrapped them around his neck holding on as though letting go would be the end of the world.

I love you Marc, I said. I never want to be without you again.

He kissed me again and I let him go.

There are a couple other people here to see you if you feel up to it, Marc said.

As long as they aren't like those two before you I don't mind, I said.

He walked over to the door and motioned someone to come in. Until he stepped out of the way I couldn't see anything but his back, but could hear it was more than one person.

Marc stepped aside and Kathy came in the room tears running down both cheeks, she was followed closely by the girlfriend she had the last time I saw her, the girlfriend that was now her wife. Behind Kathy's wife was mom, and I felt the tears start running down my cheeks. I hadn't heard anything form any of them in so long I thought they had forgotten about me.

Kathy came over and gave me a hug then stepped aside and let her wife give me a hug followed by mom.

I'm so sorry Alex. I didn't know until it was too late for me to do much of anything, Mom said kissing my cheek.

The tears running down my face never slowed. I wanted to tell mom I loved her, but the words caught in my throat making talking impossible.

Mom broke the hug and stepped back tears running down her cheeks to match the tears on Kathy's face as well as my own. Marc came over and sat on the bed pulling me into his lap. I rested my head against his chest and everything stopped but the beating of his heart. How many times had he held me like this when we were alone in our cell.

I didn't remember being tired, but the next thing I remembered was waking up still in Marc's arms. He was gently running his fingers through my hair being careful not to pull my hair.

You know, your beautiful when your sleeping? Marc said.

I looked up at him and smiled.

You've been asleep for hours, Marc said.

I didn't even know I was tired, I said.

Do you think you could handle meeting someone? Marc asked.

Will you be here? I asked.

I'm always with you. I'll tell them it's a condition of you agreeing, Marc said.

I smiled again and laid my head back against his chest and closed my eyes.

I felt him lift me laying me on the bed and I was again asleep.

I had no idea how much time passed from the time he said someone wanted to meet me and when I woke with him sitting next to me. For me it seemed moments, but since he was asleep sitting there I knew it had been hours. I felt much stronger and much more awake.

He's been sitting there since I got here, Mom said sitting on the other side of me.

I love him, I said.

He has refused to leave you for more than a few minutes since he found out about your attempt. Alex, I think he blames himself, Mom said.

Mom the blame is all mine, I'm the one who gave up, I said.

None of us can blame you for that dear, I don't think any of us could have held up as long as you did, Mom said.

"I felt so alone... after Marc received his appeal