An Irate Senior Strikes Back

By Greg Tiefer

On Greg Tieffer's 50th birthday he received an unsolicited AARP card in the mail and suddenly his whole reality changed. He was now considered... a Senior!
In what starts off as a sardonic and irreverent rant about the perception and portrayal of seniors by the media and Generation Xers, and soon weaves in genuine and touching autobiographical experiences, this book is a universally relatable look at the anger, humor, and the heartfelt moments of the journey we are all on; the journey of growing old! Full of fun facts, and alternating between lighthearted jokes and poking fun at the media, youth, movies, stereotypes about growing older, senior's, Generation Exer's and everything between, "An Irate Senior Strikes Back" is part memoir, part social commentary, part pure entertainment. Tieffer share's a sarcastic, quirky, witty, and hilarious look at what it means to get older in the culture of the United States.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Elderberry Press
• Release date: Oct 17, 2012
• ISBN: 9781301649105

Book preview

AN IRATE SENIOR STRIKES BACK

Greg Tiefer

Copyright © 2016 Greg Tiefer

All rights reserved.

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TABLE OF CONTENTS

Introduction

6 Obnoxious Old People Habits (Explained By Science)

Ancient Ink

The Fast Track To Fogieville

Life With Father

Ancient Media Darlings…Not!

Observations Of A Sexagenarian

The 21st Century…I’m Just Not Into It

A Family Weekend

Seniors… Hit Or Myth?

A Senior Strut

A Very Long Day At The Movies

Welcome To Lazy Acres

Whats To Like About Turning Into A Senior?

Age Is Just A Number…Sure!!

To Juniors From Seniors: Pay Attention!

How Old Art Thou?

Growing Old In America.. Expectations Vs Reality

Senior Perks… When Available

Fogie Flashback…Then And Now

Fogie Flashback… The Saga Continues

Used Right… Elder Abuse Can Be A Great Tool

Dating In The Dark… Part One

Dating In The Dark… Part Two

Dating In The Heart Of Darkness

Growing Old In America…Westward Oye!!! Or That’s How We Roll

Another Senior Moment

The Elevator

The Only Known Advantage To Fogie Ville

About The Writer

INTRODUCTION

The statement reflected in the title requires an explanation, although once you read the articles contained herein…no additional explanation should be necessary.

First things first,( not necessarily my style) I am without question a senior, in fact I’m verging on becoming way more of a Senior senior then I could ever have anticipated or desired just a few measly decades ago. I currently possess enough physical maladies to qualify as a footnote in Grays Anatomy. I have more pills than Bayer’s…certain functions that used to be involuntary no longer even volunteer. In addition the mirror and the calendar, unlike me don’t lie.

Second things second. Why am I self defined as Irate? The answer is simple and simply shared by any and all other clear thinking seniors. The media and even Mr. Webster refer to us as…Geezers, Fogies, Fossils, Fuddy- duddies, Old farts, Relics, and these are just the endearing ones. The media ignores us because they believe we’re irrelevant. One of my articles breaks down just how irrelevant we are in movies television, and commercials.

When we see our beloved brother Relic perform in Movies, or television…a rare event…we are objectified as the mean neighbor the kids laugh at and taunt, or on the other hand we’re the Uber-wise, mysterious Yoda or Mr.Miyagi…as for the latter the mystery is why the Uber-wisefogie born and raised in Spit Falls, Idaho…never having ventured past his own zip code speaks with a pronounced Japanese accent.

THE GENESIS OF IRATE

I wasn’t born that way, I learned to become irate at the exact same time I received an unsolicited AARP card in the mail on my 50th birthday. That event marked a magical and mystical transformation from young lion to toothless (really just a lower partial) teddy-bear. The current crop of young lions (Gen Exer’s) barely having passed puberty and with craniums still under construction took over the world in the space of one (irregular) heartbeat. We newly minted seniors were looked on as Has beens, no longer to be trusted, or empowered to make important decisions about anything other than which high fiber cereal to buy…so what happened my fellow fogies? Did we suddenly lose the knowledge, wisdom, and skills we accumulated over decades? No that’s not it the real answer is…the young Turks aka Gen exer’s actually hate us.

WHY WERE HATED

Lots of reasons here. Let’s start with respect…Gen x folks think the only respect worth cultivating is self respect…the rest of us be damned. I have no problem with this because the fact is you can only respect others if you actually respect yourself. The problem is that 8 credible social survey companies say the Gen Xers have far less self respect than do we Ancient Mariners

Another reason they hate us is because we represent their own inevitable future…and they don’t like what they see, actually can you blame them…I hate them because I see what I used to be and am no longer…hate is an awful word, is despise any better? How about jealousy? Come to think of it Hate is the exact right word.

We remind them of what their future holds, they don’t want to see it so they make us disappear from the landscape…proof you say? They control virtually all media, and we aint in it!

Yet another reason they hate us is because young people for reasons my semi-functioning brain can’t seem to assimilate is the fact they just love to hate…if you doubt that watch any comedian under 40, their whole act is about hate, Vagina’s and bowel movements, or a derivative thereof…still don’t buy it?…check Twitter, Face book, U tube, and any and all social networking…hate…hate…hate…vagina…bowel movement. So like Israel in the League of Nations, for some reason we’re equally easy to hate

STRIKING BACK

Despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary, I still can’t believe I’m actually a senior. It seems to me being a senior is more of a mindset then creaking bones, misfiring organs, calendars, clocks, and any other method of measuring the Space-Time continuum. Having said that I’m still identified far and wide as a Geezer,Fogie etc etc,so for the benefit of all you genuine old farts…I strike back!

How will I actually Strike?

To begin with I am circulating a petition to outlaw all technology post 1965…why? Because as Philip Greenspun observes Technology reduces the value of old people again I ask why? My extensive research and subsequent White Paper entitled Geezer brain conductivity and the resultant loss of proper noun recall reveals that our inability to master anything even remotely hinting of Hi tech is because senior gray matter works (when it actually does) on alternating rather than direct brain wave current.

As a consequence seniors unlike juniors are not hardwired to deal with the complexities of modern technology…while they were born into it we are expected to adapt to it at middle age…please!

If we are successful in banning said technology…we win! Old wisdom will defeat young knowledge. Old people know more than our young counterparts, but nobody knows more than Google, why ask an old guy anything when it takes us ten minutes to answer a yes or no question…we have such great stories…but a web search answers…anything in about a nano second. So number one we will delete any technology more sophisticated than an egg timer…no more praying at the altar of youth…we have the answers while they merely have dumb questions…we can handle that.

Next…we distribute Old Men rule tee shirts at selected , secret…nefarious Geezer assemblies… while the back of the shirt proclaims we rule the front will delineate what we actually rule…I’ll need a little help with this one.

Finally…seniors are said to have the greatest disposable income of any age group…money is power…let’s use your power (I’m a little short this month)…boycott any company that deems us Irrelevant. I’m compiling a list of said companies along with pictures and home addresses of the respective CEO’s and… their families…When complete I will distribute it at no charge to all who ask… (A ten dollar S&H fee and no checks!)

I believe I’ve made my position perfectly clear…so now…read on old dear…read on.

The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant…the population is increasing

6 OBNOXIOUS OLD PEOPLE HABITS (EXPLAINED BY SCIENCE)

I see a lot of movies, primarily because I write for several journals, but rather than review the movie itself I review the reviewers who review the movies…it’s a lot of Fun puncturing their pompous(paid for) platitudes…and

Anyway who needs friends?

Another reason I go to the movies is because I’m old, (was) single, and (still) don’t have a life. I hide out comfortably in a dark, air conditioned cocoon for 2 hours observing people on the big screen portraying people who actually have a life.

My take on how old people are portrayed seems etched in cinematic stone. We’re mysterious, inordinately wise old coots who know all of life’s secrets, but are loathe to reveal it until the troubled kid tugs at what remains of our heartstrings…Whatever that means…I’m so anatomically ignorant I wasn’t even aware we actually had strings.

From the screenwriters quill (okay maybe things have changed since last I wrote a screenplay) we talk like so many fortune cookies strung together, with a few coot wise homilies tossed in the screenwriters stew. The movie opens with old guys being mocked, laughed at, and generally dismissed as non entities by those who still retain the blush of youthful ignorance (this may actually be why they blush). As the movie progresses our inordinate wisdom allows us to turn the troubled youth and put him/her on the road to redemption…simple stupidity is apparently not enough to doom them to perdition.

Were alternately portrayed as stupid,smelly,nosy,cranky,angry,mean