All and Nothing

By Oday La Kingsavanh

All and Nothing is a memoir of my transformative inner journey to attain enlightenment. My desire to understand life began at an early age, and took a surprising turn thirty years later, when visions about life, death and creation surfaced during meditation. All and Nothing takes you on a journey of self- healing, knowing, and awareness. It is a journey of courage and strength to undergo an enormous transformation to come to a realization of my true self beyond impermanence. My heart and mind needed to be transformed and prepared, before the inevitable, earth-shattering moment of attaining true liberation, an event that changed my life without end.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Oday La Kingsavanh
• Release date: Aug 7, 2015
• ISBN: 9781310534621

Oday La Kingsavanh

Oday La Kingsavanh was born in Savannakhet, Laos in 1972 and immigrated with her family to the United States in 1983. She began school in sixth grade knowing hardly any English but determined to succeed academically. She graduated with a BS in Psychology in 1996, MA in Counseling Psychology in 2001, and doctorate degree in Counselor Education and Supervision in 2009.She started meditating as ways to find focus and relieve from daily stress; but her deeper immersion in meditation had led her to understand herself and existence more than she had hoped or expected.She lives in Illinois.YouTube channel: La Kingsavanh (https://www.youtube.com/user/lasoy681).Sharing with everyone her insights and wisdom of transcendence, Self-realization and remembrance. It is her love and devotion to Self.Namaste, beloved!

Book preview

Dedication

To readers,

I sincerely thank you, for reading this book. I hope that you’ll find deeper understanding of yourself and existence beyond what has been taught to you by your teachers, parents, churches, temples, and so on. After I endured such transformation, and attained total self-realization, all that I deeply desire was to share the experiences through which I had gone, with everyone.

Following three months of fully realizing who I was, I wasn’t able to sleep well. I tossed and turned writing in my head day and night, for almost a month until I put it into writing. After 4 years of writing, re-writing, editing, re-editing, I am finally done with the book.

This gift is from my heart, the breath of my soul, so you too could come to realize and understand yourself much deeper, if you choose. I’d like to share this enlightenment, this perfection with you all.

With my all,

Oday Kingsavanh

Introduction

Is it possible to become enlightened? Can ordinary, everyday people like you and I become like Buddha, Jesus, or the Dalai Lama?

According to Buddhist traditions, enlightenment means to awaken or attain ultimate self-realization. This book invites you to join me on my journey toward wisdom, awareness, healing, and most difficult of all, facing myself.

My journey to grasp absolute reality commenced when I questioned the meaning and mystery of life at an early age, but it would become a quest in my adult years after my life took an unexpected turn. It was at the end of a tumultuous relationship that I began practicing meditation to deepen my understanding of my own subconscious. As I delved deeply into my inner world and healed suppressed emotions from a painful childhood, I discovered that more surprises about life, death, and creation were in store. As I journeyed on, I became fearful and I hesitated to step further into the unknown after guides from beyond showed me heartbreaking scenes where my mother hurt me, causing unbearable psychological pain. I discovered that I had done this before, in previous lifetimes, wherein I was to explore realms beyond the physical. I needed the courage to be one with my fears and to embrace the changes that were taking place before my life transformed in ways that I could never have imagined. Often, the answers to life’s mysteries unraveled in a manner that my human mind could not grasp. I had no idea that such an inquiry would haunt an ordinary woman like me, born in a uncivilized country such as Laos and growing up in a low-income neighborhood of America. Yet, my heart was deeply impelled to search for answers.

Part One: Inquiry

Chapter 1: The question

It was winter of 2012, a few weeks into the New Year, and I was eager to write. I wanted to share the experiences of reaching total self-realization that began past fall. Due to this consuming desire, I slept fitfully for many nights. Once I had composed in my head what I wanted to offer to the reader, I was compelled to put it in writing. During a cold winter month, I sat in a warm, comfortable seat, in front of a fireplace, at a small coffee shop, eager to start writing. I asked the coffee shop staff to warm up my muffin again so I could spread butter on it for a taste that melts in the mouth. Silently, I hoped that the staff didn’t mind a pregnant woman with many strange cravings requesting a simple favor. The staff kindly accommodated my request. And so, I began writing.

I was born in Savannakhet, Laos in 1972. When I was approximately seven or eight years old, my sister took me across the border to Thailand to reunite with my father and mother in a refugee camp. There were so many awful stories about crossing the border that I almost wet my pants when it was our turn to cross. Despite the end of the Vietnam War, travel between neighboring countries like Laos was still unsafe. Instead of getting on the boat right away, we had to be interviewed by a soldier to ensure that we didn’t cross without consent. There were rumors that the punishment for crossing without permission was death, and that, many times, women trying to cross without permission were raped and killed. I had also heard that people would sometimes fall off the boat to be eaten by alligators, or drown in the Mekong River while attempting to swim across to the other side. Before it was our turn to obtain an approval, my sister had prepped me to cough and shake so that I would appear to be physically ill in order to have an easier time getting over to Thailand to seek medical attention. Fortunately, we didn’t encounter any difficulties, and the soldier even urged my sister to take me promptly to the hospital once we arrived in Thailand.

Living in a refugee camp in Thailand was refreshing, especially because we were not hearing about the Vietnam War from the adult villagers and family members who went through it. In school, I found it challenging trying to catch up due to my brief attendance at school in Laos. As a consequence of not being able to write or count in Thai, those of us who were not able to perform the lessons had to stand on one leg in front of the other students. My parents, like most refugees, didn’t have much money, so we made do with whatever was available. We lived in one large room in an old, dusty building with three or four other families. The room had no barrier to separate us from the others living in the same building, or even the people living directly across from us in a separate building, so there was no privacy. Our family lived there for quite a while, waiting to be interviewed, so we could come to America.

With much relief, after a lengthy wait to go to the land of the free, we settled in a poor part of Rockford, Illinois in 1983. We didn’t speak English and had hardly any money, so my parents took factory jobs to make ends meet. My parents wanted my sister and I to study hard in order to find professions that would provide us with good lives. They were just like many Asian parents who put too much pressure on their children to succeed in school. So, I studied regularly to excel. Unlike many obedient Laotian teenagers, however, I was not so good at following rules, which created much tension between my mother and I, and my teenage years were full of conflicts and problems because of this. My mother passed away in 1996.

During high school, my dedication to being a good student paid off. I achieved honor roll for many semesters, so my parents rewarded me with gifts of money. However, I burned out in my senior year and was fortunate to receive a passing grade in some of my classes. Finally, after graduating from high school, I furthered my education at college and obtained a BS in Psychology and subsequently worked for a couple of years in the field. Then, I decided to pursue an MA in Counseling Psychology. Eventually, after a long hard grind, I graduated with a doctorate degree in Counselor Education and Supervision.

One day, when I was about three or four years old, I walked to a nearby village in Laos with my grandfather, who, at the time, had not made the decision to become a Buddhist monk. He chose that path many years after I left Laos. It was morning and the hot sun was still kind and did not harass us on our travel. After walking for many miles along a dusty road, I felt a little tired and lost motivation to walk any farther. Besides, I was still fatigued from walking countless miles the day before when me and my older siblings had taken care of the farm animals from dawn until sunset. We didn’t own a car, so walking was the only option. I remember always having to walk from place to place, but sometimes, we’d get lucky and travelers would allow us to hop on their trucks for part of the way. Unfortunately, we hadn’t seen one that day. I longed for one to come by because we were strolling on bare feet and the morning sun was becoming hot.

Eventually, we arrived at our destination and my grandfather asked me to wait downstairs in his friend’s hut until he finished with his agenda. Most other kids were out watching farm animals, so I didn’t see anyone with whom to play while lingering. My grandfather didn’t tell me why he had come to this particular village, it could be that I was too young to understand adults’ business, but I had been here before with older siblings. Later in the morning, when it was time to head back, my grandfather decided to take a shorter route, so we walked through a dry farm to get to a road that offered more shade. My grandfather walked fast because he wanted to get back before late afternoon, but I was dragging behind. Just as I had almost caught up with my dear grandfather, I decided to stop and stood under the shade of a big tree to observe my surroundings. As I looked at the dry farm, trees, sun, and bushes, I deeply wondered if there was more than this physical life I was living. I felt bored and a little sad thinking about the physical forms in front of my eyes and I was profoundly interested in knowing what was beyond it all.

After that day, I didn’t question life’s mysteries again until my late-teens. One night, as I waited in a slow line at a fast food drive-thru, that feeling of boredom and sadness returned. Unsure why I would do such a thing, I lifted my right arm, looked at it, then looked at the cars in front of me and wondered if it was all real. I remember sitting in the car feeling lost, not having answers for the questions that gnawed at me.

My family considered me defiant of the traditions and rules that the Laotian community so valued. A couple of times, my mother had told me that I made my own rules. On many occasions, during dinner, she had let me know that I didn’t listen to her and my father. At times, my behavior embarrassed her, especially in public and in front of her friends. In many ways, I felt left out of the family and the Laotian community.

It wasn’t until my mid-thirties that I next questioned the mysteries of life. One day, I read something about humans being a force. The author was trying to open my mind to an alternative understanding; he suggested that I consisted of a mind, a body, and, perhaps, a soul. I was confused, and, when I thought too much about this, I experienced tension headaches. After some reflection, I rushed to the bathroom to look at my hair, face, and arms. I wondered what was holding my physical body together. Was it true that I had a soul? Was I a force? Who was I really? I began to think that there was more to me than merely my body. I became more interested in spirituality than ever before. Up to this point, I hadn’t seriously asked questions about a soul or spirit. It could be because my goals, and my youth, distracted me so much that I never truly paid attention to deeper things about life. This, despite often attending church services during my teenage years. Pastors at church had talked and preached about it, but I wasn’t able to grasp it conceptually, so I lost interest. My main focus was on obtaining a good education, locating a desirable position in my field, and being with friends. I was too busy exploring fun activities and seeking a healthy relationship that could potentially lead to a lifelong commitment. I was living life ignorant of the world outside myself.

Chapter 2: Self-Reflection

After ending an unhappy relationship in my mid-thirties, I felt strongly motivated to gain a deeper understanding of who I was. So, I became an avid reader and took the time to observe myself both inwardly and outwardly. Once the relationship had ended, my goal was to find a healthier one and to attract positive people into my life. I also wanted to be a competent and effective therapist to assist my clients with their obstacles. One way to do so was to have better insight and comprehension into who I was. My philosophy was, the more I understood myself, the more I would understand others.

When I took time to self-reflect, I gained considerable awareness of my past relationships and why I was attracted to certain types of men. The personalities of some of the guys I had dated were apparently not healthy for me. One serious relationship in particular reminded me of the chaotic one I’d had with my mother before she passed away. Following a careful analysis of my circumstances, I made an effort to seek additional understanding from another therapist.

Therapy sessions helped me better understand the painful relationship I’d had with my mother and it healed my lack of confidence, something I’d had all my life. My mother and I had fought on many levels, from how I should think, to the proper way to act and talk. It had been difficult for her to handle me as a teenager. Our relationship had been dreadful because I was headstrong and wanted to live my life on my own terms. I had often thought about running away from home, but didn’t know where to go for shelter. To get away from the unhappy environment, I would spend time with my friends. While hanging out with them, I never wanted to come back home.

Fortunately, my knowledge of psychology was put to good use. Having such a tremendous desire to know myself, I didn’t hesitate to convert what I had learned into actions. I consistently made an effort to learn different ways of perceiving the situations that I found myself in and to make sense of them. Then, I heard about meditation and how it could help deepen self-understanding, clear my mind, and enhance my concentration. I was ready to explore; however, my true interest, initially, was to impress a guy.

The man I admired, whom I was trying to impress, was very spiritual. He was all about knowing and understanding himself in every aspect. Spirituality was a new territory. It appeared strange at first, but I was open to listening when someone wanted to discuss the subject. While getting to know this person, I bought a couple of books on meditation, mainly to get him to like me. Unfortunately, the relationship didn’t turn out the way