Funny... You Don't Look Bipolar!

By Hummingbird

Autobiography and stories from five other people with Bipolar disorder, many facts about Bipolar, how to get help, and advocacy.

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: Apr 2, 2015
• ISBN: 9781483552897

Book preview

Author

Prologue

I was on top of a skyscraper, somewhere in Boston. I was at the peak of mania, convinced that I could fly. I don't remember whom I was with, or where they came from. This was a time of my life when people were beginning to be afraid of me. They didn't know how to help me, because they didn't know what was wrong with me. I think they were strangers, but at the time, I must have thought they were friends.

I craved being part of something; being accepted by somebody. I recall that they were all on drugs, and I am sure they thought that I was, too. However, I wasn't. In fact, I didn't need anything extra as I was already high as a kite on mania. My brain delivered all the highs I ever needed. I self-medicated on anything legal that would raise my dopamine level.

Someone dared me to see how far I could put my feet off the edge of the building. I took the bet, and slowly stepped a little bit off the side of the building. Then another little step…Suddenly, someone grabbed me and yanked me back to reality. That is all I remember, other than someone calling me crazy. Now, I believe that I was, at least for that moment. People on mania do crazy things, especially when they are Bipolar Type 1, like me.

So what does a bipolar LOOK like? She may be your doctor, your lawyer, your mailman, or your garbage man. Bipolars come from all walks of life. They may have a PhD or a GED. They may be any color, any age, any nationality or political leaning. They are walking among you and you don't see anything unusual, unless the neurochemicals are severely out of balance. You hear in the media, that you should be very afraid, but in reality, we are more likely to be victims than perpetrators.

Bipolar is not your fault. It is a neurochemical disorder that develops when an imbalance of operative chemicals related to the nervous system, causes behavior changes that harm or cause disadvantage to the individual. Medications and other treatments can usually correct the imbalance. CDC describes bipolar, as well as other mental illnesses, as the Burden of Mental Illness. This describes the financial aspects, not really referring to people with a mental illness as a burden. I prefer not to refer to bipolar as an illness either. I consider it a difference, or a mental health issue.

The total cost varies, depending on the source. The fact is that the cost of bipolar disorder for both outpatient and inpatient care are considerably higher than for any other mental illness. The biggest reason is attributed to loss of productivity and absenteeism. Many people with bipolar are forced to live on SSDI. This leaves little left to pay all of the basic bills. Frequently, especially if medical bills are high, this means that the only solution is a Chapter 7 bankruptcy. So, a couple of years ago, after five expensive surgeries, my husband and I were forced to do a bankruptcy because of medical bills. We were unable to pay for the medical bills from a sole income of SSDI.

Fiscal Times had an article describing the improvement in mental health care since the passage of the Affordable Healthcare Act (Obama Care). Care for preexisting conditions is now included in ACA insurance choices. ACA insurance must also include parity of mental health and physical health. Insurance companies must also include prescription medication. More people may be getting treatment if there is a bed or an opening available.

Unfortunately, according to N.I.H. (National Institutes of Health), 60% of adults and 70% of children with a diagnosable mental illness never receive help. Jails and prisons are now filled with people with mental illnesses. Many have never committed a crime, but there is nowhere else to put them. 20% of inmates have a serious mental illness. Since many prisons are now run by large corporations, it can be very difficult to be released unless the individual has resources.

It seems that one solution is early intervention. But without adequate mental health staff or facilities, that is not easy to do. Even with intervention, bipolar is often misdiagnosed. Only 3% of people with bipolar disorder receive correct diagnoses within the first three years.

Even though I had a very young correct diagnosis, it was decades before I received the correct treatment. First, at age 5, I saw a psychiatrist. All I remember is him playing checkers with me and putting me on a tranquilizer. An accurate diagnosis or a proper medication just was not available back then, in 1952. My first official diagnosis happened at age 19. Today there many different mood stabilizers, antidepressant and anxiety medications, and other related medications. Most of the time, it is trial and error before the correct medications are found.

There is no cure for bipolar, but it can be in remission if proper medical care is followed.

The average age of onset, is 25 (according to N.I.H.) and sightly younger for men. Significantly more women have bipolar than men.

Although the ratio of women to men is officially almost 3:2, I believe that is in large part because women are more willing to admit that they need help. Men tend to feel that they must be strong, and not admit their symptoms.

According to CNN.com, the United States has the highest number of people on the bipolar spectrum in the world. The bipolar spectrum can vary according to different diagnosticians and non-diagnosticians alike.

Personally, I like to think of the bipolar spectrum as an umbrella covering all other related diagnoses. Most of the bipolars whom I have met have other diagnoses as well. This is called co-morbidity. Rather than making a list of all of these separate conditions, I put them all under the umbrella of the bipolar spectrum.

In 2013, according to CNN, Virginia State Senator Creigh Deeds attempted to get help for his mentally ill son. His son was evaluated and informed that he needed inpatient care. Unfortunately, there were no beds available. Not long after, Senator Deeds's son attacked and stabbed him several times. Then, he committed suicide with a firearm. Fortunately, the senator survived, but this illustrates that the shortage of available mental health beds can often lead to disastrous results.

Unfortunately, 60% of adults and 70% of children with a diagnosable mental illness never receive help. This is largely because of government budget cuts, which is why the system has no choice but to place mentally ill adults in prison. 20% of inmates have a serious mental illness.

Even though there is no cure for bipolar, with the right medication and a little help, you can lead a happy life.

Chapter 1 – The Beginning of My Story

I never felt worthy of love. I was surrounded by it, but never felt worthy of it. – Hummingbird

Both of my parents were stable, very active in the community, and always helped others less fortunate than we were. They were also very involved in politics: my father held local public offices. The first time that I ever saw my dad cry was when John Kennedy was assassinated. My father knew him when he was running for senator, and helped to arrange a party for him at the local country club. He campaigned for him and had faith that he could make a difference.

Neither of my parents seemed to inherit the previous generation's gene for Bipolar disorder. My chance of being Manic Depressive, as bipolar disorder was known at the time, with both parents carrying the gene, was extremely high. It is Neurological, can be controlled with the correct medications and treatment, but there is no cure. It is a life time condition. It is possible that someone can carry the Manic Depression gene without it becoming active. Sometimes, a carrier may be triggered by a traumatic event and the gene will become active.

My grandparents were very different. My paternal grandfather spent most of his life in and out of State Hospitals. I remember my father crying every time he had to take him back there. Poppy would do pretty well, for a little while. Then he would lose track of reality and become very violent and have psychotic breaks. He would believe that everyone was against him. Other times he was a gentle, sweet man. There were no medications, no treatment available to help him back then. He would be shot full of Haldol and Thorazine and become a zombie. He, like the other patients there, usually sat on the floor rocking.

I remember Poppy sobbing, with his head in his hands, sitting alone in his pickup truck. He built a tower so that nobody could come to get him. It was tragic. They diagnosed him as a paranoid schizophrenic. That was the diagnosis most everyone with severe mental illness was given back then. Today I am sure that he really was Manic Depressive with psychotic features, as I was finally diagnosed later. Back then, no helpful medications existed for either Schizophrenia or Manic Depression. Nobody knew anything about how to treat people with mental illness. It was the dark age of mental illness.

His wife, my Nana, had a heart condition. Back then, many with a heart condition were told to remain in bed. They were called heart cripples, quite in contrast with today. I remember sitting next to her in the back seat of the car, on the way to the hospital. I was only eight and adored her. I remember her telling me all about roses and what the meaning of each color was. White was purity. Red was love. Yellow was friendship. She held my hand and told me gently, that she would not be coming home. She was going to the hospital to die. Soon after, my Poppy died of natural causes.

My mother always called her father Charlie. When she tried to call her Dad, he just laughed. He was quite a character, always playing practical jokes and making people laugh. He seemed to be manic all the time. I never saw him depressed, but maybe he was when he was alone. Back then, men were expected to be strong and never show their feelings. He worked as a Station Master at the Boston & Maine Railroad for 57 years. Both his father and grandfather also worked there for over five decades, each successive generation following in the footsteps. The great grandfather and great-great grandfather came over on a ship from County Cork, Ireland. The great-great grandfather was