My Bipolar Life: From the Valleys of Depression to the Mountains of Mania

By Ronald Allan Reimche

What would you do if you woke up one night and your whole life had changed?
At the age of thirty-nine, this is exactly what happened to Ronald Allan Reimche. In the middle of the night, he woke up paralyzed with despair in the middle of his first depressive attack. This event began a lifetime of struggles, as he fought to rise above the turmoil of his bipolar disorder.
During this time, Ronald found strength in the assurance of the love of God. No matter how dark things became, holding onto that assurance brought him through. God used family, friends, and medical professionals to carry him through the trials. Ronald’s relationship with Jesus Christ allowed for prayer time, without which his life would have been much more desperate.
By telling his own story, Ronald hopes that he can extend that same hope to those of you who are currently living with—or know others who are living with—bipolar disorder, as you navigate the peaks and valleys of your own lives.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Word Alive Press
• Release date: May 6, 2019
• ISBN: 9781486618521

Book preview

Conclusion

Acknowledgements

Thank you to my wife, Lorna Reimche, and my brother, Robert Reimche, for their input, encouragement, proofreading, and editing. Without their help, this book might not have made it to print. Special thanks to the team at Word Alive: Sylvia, Tia, and Matthew.

Introduction

My story is a personal collection of varying periods of depression, hypomania, and mania. Because of how these events have unfolded in my life, the flow of this book may at times feel incoherent or disorganized. It moves between sharing my personal experiences and factual information I have learned by reading about scientific research and talking to medical professionals. Setting out to tell my story is already bringing back an avalanche of memories I would rather not recall. In spite of that, describing these events may help someone who has suffered in the same capricious way.

I have suffered this illness for many years. In the first period, I only experienced depression. The last twenty years have been in a bipolar condition. The move from depression into hypomania or higher to mania seems to be due to adjustments in my medication. I believe I have experienced almost all levels of the illness, if not every single one. The episodes I describe, then, should cover all the general conditions by which one can be afflicted.

As events unfold, they will show the extent of both ends of my illness, from major depression to major hypomania (I have rarely experienced true mania). My goal is not to exaggerate events but to convey how they unfolded. This will help you, the reader, understand how many of the common effects derive from the chemistry that controls one’s complete system. Over the years, the science behind these effects has become much more understandable. You will begin to comprehend how the illness functions through the scientific information that I have gleaned over many years of amateur research.

Naturally, most of the specialized technical vocabulary relating to brain science is outside of the general public’s knowledge. Still, as you read, you will begin to form a picture of the functioning of this chemical matrix. You won’t come to fully comprehend all of the twists and turns of the illness, but you will have some idea that millions of events unfold within our brain at all times. These episodes give us our ability to be who we are. Drastic changes in personality may simply be due to the biochemical disturbance.

I well understand that people who have not experienced major depression or major hypomania may scoff at elements of my story. To them, this illness is impossible to understand. The complexity of the illness makes it difficult to comprehend. Some may say, It can’t be that bad—isn’t it all in their head? No! It’s in the body—the complete body. Why can’t I just conquer my illness by thinking it through? Because it isn’t in the mind: it’s in the brain. The mind can only function in response to the instructions it receives from the brain. An extremely complicated matrix of electro-chemicals controls all thoughts, as well as the intrusive neuron system. Therefore, we will think according to how our biochemistry functions.

A person is who they are due to how their neurotransmitters act and react in the body’s structure. You will think in a certain way depending on how the chemicals are functioning, then think differently if there is a disruption in that very same chemical process. It may not merely be a slightly different decision or opinion, but a completely new concept of life. This devastating disease is bipolar disorder, once known as manic-depressive disorder.

Prologue

Hello world! Can you feel my pain? Is anyone listening to my cry?

No! No one close to me could understand. How could they? They thought I was simply feeling down—having a bad day or week. I could feel their relief that they didn’t have to suffer this desperation, whatever it was. To me, everyone had a perfect world. Really, mine should have been just as good, but to me it was hell.

One problem not of my making was the struggle with psychiatrists who lacked proper training. How could I have known they were wrong about what methods to use? I just had to suffer their ineptitude. Medications which didn’t work and arrogance—likely an overreaction to their embarrassment over not succeeding in helping me to improve—frustrated them, to the point where they even blamed me for not getting better!

I was driven into what felt like a dungeon in the basement of our duplex—it would have been a nice place to live if you were healthy. My life became filled with horrific days and weeks of pain. I couldn’t make it. I knew it; I needed to die! How else would I take away the anguish? There was no other way.

Weeks of barely eating began to take their toll on my body as the pounds disappeared. Blood replaced normal bodily fluids, and my thoughts screamed it’s over! I’d just give up and let this cruel world swallow me. That wouldn’t be suicide, would it?

Before I end this prologue, please allow me to explain my writing. Because I am bipolar, and a book can’t be written in a day, there are portions that were written at different levels. What I mean is, sometimes I may have been slightly high on the bipolar line, and then other times somewhat low. At times it was easy to throw in a little humor, while at other times it felt offensive to me. Whether humor feels appropriate to you or not will likely depend on where you are within the circle of good or bad. To avoid these extremes, I tried to remain on the most level field of emotion, but my moods clearly varied amid waves of contentment or heartache. I ask for your understanding while reading through all of my highs and lows. But most of all I say, Thank you for reading my book; if you are helped, I will be most satisfied!

1

Before the Darkness

After harvest, there were many loose ends to tie up. We had to perform maintenance on machinery, and gather up tools from wherever they may have been left during the rush of the season. There were bins to secure, preventing any moisture from entering and spoiling the grain. This was a seasonal occurrence, and it was always a soothing relief to have the harvest, the most important job, successfully completed. Now it was possible to calculate what sort of income we had made by counting up the total grain harvested.

Farming is precarious, as you never know from one year to the next what the income will be. Our spring budget was only a nebulous estimation at best. We faced many additional obstacles: weather, grain grades, machinery breakdowns, personal health to complete the job, and of course prices, which varied year by year.

However, country living made up for all the anxious moments of uncertainty. The freedom of this type of career was well worth it for us, as long as we could realize a profit. Our family was fine, healthy, and enjoying life. My wife and two boys were happily living in our desired world.

In the fall, after the harvest was completed and the fields were cultivated for the winter, it was back to playing. We took part in dances, went to parties, and visited friends from the surrounding farms and towns. The countryside was active, with people living all over the area. Back then, small towns actively participated in many sports. Today they are vacant, abandoned, and forlorn.

On one particularly frivolous occasion, some friends and I spent the entire day drinking. It was an impetuous decision, and an atypical one. The evening found us in a hotel room, finishing off our supposedly fun celebration. Something happened in my mind—I felt absurd emotions whipping through me like lightning; they were confusing and belligerent all at the same time. As my confusion turned to desperation, all heaven and hell broke out.

I was cursing and asking