Worthy In His Eyes: Looking Beyond the Reflection in the Mirror

By Kathleen M. Pritchard

Kathie lingered in front of the mirror. Visually there were no signs of damage from the car accident yet she continued to stare at her reflection with bewilderment. IT was as though a stranger was looking back at her. Within seconds her life had been drastically altered as confusion, short-term memory loss, extreme sensitivity to audible and visual stimulus, and loss of concentration placed her in an unfamiliar and foreign world. The pathway ahead was obscured. The only thing visible? A "Detour" sign. Kathie's journey after acquiring a Mild Traumatic Brain Injury is personal yet her battles with frustration, failure, tears, heartache and grief are universal. However, her steadfast trust in the faithfulness of God the Father ultimately produced a surprising journey filled with promises, abundant living, a heart at peace and best of all the realization of her worth in His eyes. Simply because she is His child. Simply because she is "Kathie." May the content not produce hollow words but rather an astounding awareness of how precious you are to God. May you feel His presence, His power, and His peace as you journey with her through difficult valleys and glorious mountaintops. Before you reach the final page may you realize that circumstances and difficulties are no surprise to God. He has a specific purpose for every life, including yours. He will guide you, lead you and remain faithfully by your side because you are worthy in His eyes.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Word Alive Press
• Release date: Jan 4, 2015
• ISBN: 9781770696648

Book preview

Worthy in his eyes

Copyright © 2012 by Kathleen M. Pritchard

All rights reserved. Neither this publication nor any part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording or any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the author.

Unless otherwise noted, scriptures are taken from THE HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION®, NIV® Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.™ Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide. • Scriptures marked CEV are taken from Contemporary English Version® Copyright © 1995 American Bible Society. All rights reserved. • Scripture marked The Message taken from The Message. Copyright © 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 2000, 2001, 2002. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group.

EPUB Version ISBN: 978-1-77069-664-8

Word Alive Press

131 Cordite Road, Winnipeg, MB R3W 1S1

www.wordalivepress.ca

Library and Archives Canada Cataloguing in Publication

Pritchard, Kathleen M., 1960-

Worthy in his eyes : looking beyond the reflection

in the mirror / Kathleen Pritchard.

ISBN 978-1-77069-441-5

1. Pritchard, Kathleen M., 1960-. 2. Brain--Wounds and

injuries--Patients--Biography. 3. Brain--Wounds and

injuries--Patients--Religious life. 4. Brain--Wounds and

injuries--Patients--Rehabilitation. I. Title.

RJ496.B7P75 2012 617.4’81044092 C2011-908432-5

Table of Contents

With Deep Appreciation To

Dedication

Preface: Worth How Much?

Part One: Who Is This Stranger?

1: Waves of Uncertainty

2: Permanent Disability

Part Two: Journey of Discovery

1: Lifelong Transitions

2: Alone With God

Part Three: Valley of Emotional Turmoil

1: Battling Guilt

2: Surrendering Guilt

3: Letting Go

4: Conquering Doubt

5: Overcoming Loneliness

Part Four: Proactive Faith

1: Steps of Faith

2: Acceptance

3: Choices

4: Retraining

Part Five: Created To Bear Fruit

1: Spiritual Understanding

2: Changing Focus

3: Developing Character

4: Humour

5: Problems X Answers = Victory!

Part Six: Worthy—By God’s Saving Grace Alone

1: Passion

2: Miracles

3: Encouragement and Support

4: Hope

5: Worthy!

Appendix: What Is Acquired Brain Injury?

Epilogue: God Is Faithful

With Deep Appreciation To…

My Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ, for washing my eyes with the salve of truth, enabling me to celebrate abundant living, because I am Worthy in Your Eyes.

My son Kris—Your contagious sense of humour opens up skies of sunshine on cloudy and rainy days. I am still Mom to you, and your unconditional love and acceptance makes me almost forget I have a disability. I love you for that priceless gift.

My daughter Krystal—You have grown me in many ways, and through you I have learned a great deal about myself. You have intensified my awareness of how deep a mother’s love can anchor itself within her heart.

My precious mother, Margaret—Words cannot even begin to express the gratitude in my heart to you for the greatest gift a parent can give a child, the truth of the gospel which leads to eternal life. You have profoundly influenced my life, and I am so grateful for all the blessings you have brought into my world since I was born.

My Auntie Kathie—Thank you for your encouragement, support, and excitement about this book. Your enthusiasm to promote my book to every store in the city fills my heart with gratitude.

Our families—I love you for your thoughtfulness and kindness when we get together. I appreciate the efforts made to accommodate some of my limitations.

My precious friend and mentor Shirley—Endless times you have nudged me, gently reminding me to be obedient to God by pressing on with this book. Your prayers, encouragement, and wisdom (both spiritual and practical) have helped me through some really tough times. Thanks for our special Internet tea and prayer times. Also, to your husband (and my very favourite pastor) Dave, it was you whom God used to fully reawaken the one thing in my life I missed so terribly—that uninhibited twinkle in my eye. Thank you so much for being you!

My cherished friend Jan—Your friendship, love, encouragement, support and prayers have remained solid for two decades. You are a true prayer warrior. How grateful I am that we are forever friends. You’ve always been there for me; now it‘s my turn to be there for you.

My faithful friend Kitty—I am grateful for your friendship, encouragement, enormous support and very tangible help. Without you, I would never be able to accomplish what I do now. Our game always triggers a wonderful sense of imagination and a great giggle! You are a gem.

Our treasured friends, Don and Lee—As couples, we have shared special times together for twenty years. Your support, love, humour and prayer have helped us continue to move forward after our lives took a drastic turn. We love you for being there.

My vibrant, spontaneous friend Susan—How grateful I am God knew we would be a perfect fit as friends not so long ago. I love your laugh, your strength, and your love for words! You are a jewel in my treasure chest.

Debbie Dee—Your focus to provide education and awareness of acquired brain injuries is admirable, and those of us who live with the disability highly respect the work you do. I am personally grateful for your strength, wisdom, encouragement and contagious smile. Thank you so much for your willingness to give me feedback regarding my book.

Linda Wegner—Your trained eye and unwavering belief in my writing, and my story, gave me the courage to begin my publishing journey. Thank you for introducing me to Word Alive Press.

My editor, Tom Buller—You are a Barnabas (encourager). You worked with my disability, and made the editing process enjoyable! Thank you for your professionalism and light-hearted sense of humour.

Word Alive Press—Caroline Schmidt, thank you for your enthusiasm and guidance as I began my publishing journey. I appreciate every person involved in the process of publishing this book.

To so many others who have encouraged Kip and me—Thank you for your tremendous support, enquiring about my progress with this book, urging me to see it through all the way because more people need to learn about this invisible disability.

Dedication

This book is dedicated to my cherished husband, Kip. Your willingness to adapt to major life changes cemented the solid foundation we had prior to my car accident, empowering us to discover fullness of life once again.

Your unconditional love has dried many a tear, encouraged me, induced humour and made me fully treasure the sacred vows we made to God, and each other, thirty-two years ago. Your strong faith and trust in the Lord enabled Him to shine through even the darkest nights.

Through so much, we have not only remained in love, we have grown deeper in love. Because of you, I am free to be me. For these gifts, I thank you with all of my heart.

preface

Worth How Much?

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body.

All the days ordained for me were written in your

book before one of them came to be."

(Psalm 139:13–16)

__________________________

Frantically, I had called my husband who was meeting with a

client in their home. You’ve got to come back right away; I can’t understand what is going on! There are two clients in the shop and I can’t make sense of what they are saying! Please, please come back right away!

A few days earlier, a car had slammed into the rear of my van, throwing my vehicle across the highway as if it had been catapulted from a slingshot. The injuries I sustained from the collision instantly fragmented my life, creating a whirlwind of confusion and uprooting forty-one years of stability.

I was raised in a loving, stable, Christian home. My mother gave my brother and me the most precious gift any parent could give their child: a clear understanding of what it meant to have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. She taught us the importance of placing Him first in our lives, as Lord. It was not until I became much older that I fully realized how difficult it must have been to raise two children alone. My mother depended heavily on God to provide every need, communing with Him daily for guidance. Hand in hand with that dependence was her spirit of determination to be proactive, blending God’s guidance with her own commitment to uphold the responsibility He had given her.

I had witnessed firsthand His provision and faithfulness, in my mother’s life as well as my own. I never experienced the void some children feel growing up without a father present. My mother’s love and my Heavenly Father’s continued presence reassured me throughout my impressionable tender years that I was carefully designed, formed, and worthy of the life I had been created for. I deeply loved my Heavenly Father and was secure in knowing I was His child.

I married at the gentle age of eighteen, and my life held endless opportunities. My husband Kip was my best friend, our individual families blended well together, and our two children blessed our lives beyond description. I was ever aware of the wonderful role model Kip fulfilled as a faithful husband and devoted father. Raising two precious children filled our lives with indescribable joy. Ever active, their growing years involved piano lessons, drum lessons, music festivals, choir concerts, band concerts, various sports activities and wonderful friendships. Kip and I were Sunday school teachers, children’s club leaders, driving instructors and puppy love advisors. Kip was also a much-loved fishing guide for anyone who was interested, regardless of age!

Professionally, my career flourished. I worked in administrative positions for two well- established firms. One position involved organizing a staff of seven representatives who were directly accountable to a particular manager in a large insurance firm. Another position involved administrative work for ten engineers who were responsible for a large project within a productive oil company. Our decision to raise a family placed me into a role more satisfying than any other, the role of motherhood, which I retained until our youngest went to kindergarten.

Electing to move to the west coast opened the door to a new profession, enabling me to utilize many of my existing professional skills. I was hired as an assistant manager for a retail clothing outlet. A brand new store was opening in our community, so I travelled by ferry during the week to train at another store, returning home on weekends. Following completion of my training, the manager and I hired staff and got the retail outlet up and running.

Some years later, Kip opened his own business. In 1994, he invited me to join him, blending our skills as a professional team. Our love and friendship carried over to the professional area of our lives, deepening the special relationship we shared. Life seemed to be coasting along nicely before the accident. Our daughter married three months prior and our son was in his last year of high school. Our children now grown, Kip and I were looking forward to the second honeymoon stage, with all kinds of dreams and plans filling our heads.

In its uncertainty, however, life does not always flow without some kind of resistance or change in direction. Throughout our marriage, a few fairly significant difficulties managed to challenge, test and refine us as individuals, as a family and in our careers. At times it was as if a thin fog blurred our focus, making us question the pathway we were on. But we constantly relied on the Lord to see us through any situation. We sought His guidance and we sought the clarity that comes through trusting Him. Without fail He always provided.

However, the days, months and years following the car accident of November 7, 2001, were going to challenge us far beyond any struggle we had experienced. One single unexpected moment in time drastically altered my world as I had known it—our world as we had known it. Immediately following the accident, everything became scattered as if someone had cruelly tossed all the pieces of my life into the air, leaving them fragmented in a muddled heap. I didn’t know where to start putting some of the pieces back together. I didn’t know how. I couldn’t really pinpoint what was wrong. The very core of my character, faith and personal self-worth felt as though it was shattered to pieces. I was really scared.

I invite you to share a small portion of my journey as I strive to reveal how God has held me, challenged me, sustained me, grown me and loved me through some of my darkest days. I have often bowed before the Lord God Almighty asking Him what my calling is now. What is His purpose for my life now? I’ve needed to carefully listen for His answer. I’ve pleaded for patience in my waiting as I hungrily sought His wisdom.

This book was His answer. Although I am sharing the traumatic event which has taken place in my life, my heart is powerfully aware of individual struggles, difficulties and challenges every human being encounters along this road of life. My deepest desire is to illuminate God’s Word, God’s faithfulness, and God’s ever-present love to each reader. God Almighty is authentic. There is no second best. He is Alpha, the Beginning and He is Omega, the End. His love encompasses every human life and when we enter into a personal relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ, we have the divine privilege to freely access the very Creator of all. Anytime, anywhere.

I also wish to provide some kind of insight for those who have loved ones experiencing heartaches of any kind. Through understanding, compassion, encouragement, support, acceptance, and loads of patience, oceans of impossibilities and hopelessness can be transformed into mountains of possibilities, victories and hopefulness, rebuilding confidence that brings with it vibrant and healthy self-esteem. A hopefulness that reverberates with the realization, "I am worthy!" My writing is personal, as are my experiences. The first few chapters detail problems, challenges and difficulties which callously entered my world. I wish to share my journey from the very beginning, complete with the effects of my injuries as well as the impact they have had on my self-esteem. At the lowest point I found myself in a place of complete brokenness and confusion. Gratefully, through God’s grace, tenderness and faithful love I did not remain in that deep dark cavern of grief.

Joy, strength, confidence and abundant life are the very reasons I needed to write this book. As you read the chapters revealing the root of my difficulties, please remember I am not simply complaining about all the things that have gone wrong since my accident. To remain cemented there would be a travesty, as the Light that shines ahead is worth focusing on and rejoicing over! Without sharing the personal side of my pain and difficulties, the incredible impact of God’s power could perhaps seem trite and insignificant. After all, when life coasts along with only minor bumps we are able to cope with, it is easy to uplift and glorify the Lord. It is also easy to uplift ourselves. Yet through tough times of pain, emptiness and turmoil, God’s love will blanket us entirely if we seek Him with a surrendered and open heart. Only then can we experience Him in a much deeper and personal way.

My efforts to be consistent and accurate are sincere, however due to the nature of my injuries the sequence of my writing may be somewhat disheveled, although I have spent endless hours trying to make them understandable and consistent. I have rummaged through personal journals to recapture certain events and emotions as they took place. I pray the following pages will bring honour and glory to the only One Who can truly provide abundance of life, our Heavenly Father. It is He Who gives life itself. He is the Faithful One Who reminds me moment by moment that yes, I am worthy.

Please join me.

part one

Who is this stranger?

"But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt,

because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown

and tossed by the wind."

(James 1:6)

Photo © 2011 Kathleen M. Pritchard

Waves of Uncertainty

Reflecting back to the days following the accident was difficult but very healthy for me. That one moment—on that particular day, at that particular time—changed the course of my life. I was unquestionably unprepared for the surge of emotions and challenges I was about to face.

Visible physical damage to my body was fairly minimal, although I will always experience some chronic pain. I knew the visible physical injuries could have been much more severe. Injuries to my neck, left shoulder, and lower back were going to require changes in how I did certain things. Any activity requiring me to raise my arms above my shoulders was pretty much taboo now, and lowering my head to write, sew, read, or paint caused severe muscle pain in my left shoulder area, resulting in tension headaches that often lasted three days. Keyboarding needed to be kept to a minimum, because of the positioning of my head and upper body. When in conversation, it was important for me to face the other person directly to avoid ensuing pain.

My husband Kip witnessed the entire accident as it transpired. The individual passed Kip’s van at a treacherously high speed on a corner of the highway. He hadn’t realized my van was stopped ahead, waiting to turn left off the highway. The impact was enormous.

Shortly after the accident, Kip explained what had happened. He had been driving a safe distance behind me and knew that I was going to turn off the highway at the next intersection. When the speeding car flew past him as he rounded the corner, he knew the driver wouldn’t be able to stop in time. Terror gripped him as he had no recourse but to watch the collision take place. He had been frantic, knowing he was helpless to stop it. He kept praying I was still alive as he ran to my van amidst glass and pieces of my vehicle.

Personal recall of the days and months that followed is very sketchy, although bits and pieces have been disclosed to me as time passed. I experienced memory loss of what had taken place during various patches of time. However, I was aware that something was terribly wrong. I had extreme difficulty being in a room where music was playing or various people were in conversation. My attempts to administer familiar paperwork at our boutique were thwarted. Conversing with clients, friends, or family brought bouts of confusion, extreme fatigue, and nausea which often weakened me to the point of almost collapsing.

I would hear people speak, yet their words were scrambled, as if I was in a virtual game of Scrabble with the letters all mixed up and then flung toward me visually and audibly. Nothing made sense. I desperately tried to concentrate, to understand. Understanding avoided me. Multitasking was futile, resulting in constant frustration, as the familiarity of day-to-day activities was strangely foreign. Word-finding played hide-and-seek as my thoughts and lips didn’t cooperate with one another. Confusion was rampant and endless questions flooded my head. I was afraid, very afraid.

I had to remind myself that God is always in control. He could have chosen to prevent the accident, commanding angels to divert the other car. He could have altered the timing slightly, or He could have taken me Home that afternoon. But He didn’t do any of these. Why? Why did He allow this accident to take place and why did He allow my familiar life to become so foreign? I found myself strangely unsettled as I searched for explanations as to why I was so confused in familiar surroundings. Finding solutions to problems had always been my life’s motto, but first I had to identify the problem itself.

Shopping, whether grocery shopping or otherwise, was extremely intimidating. As I entered a store, every single audio and visual presence encased me as though I was shoved into a kaleidoscope which was rotating at a tremendous speed, causing each colour and image to scramble into the next uncontrollably. I became disoriented, confused, nauseated, and lost. My memory often placed me in a state of emptiness as I drifted without direction. Stopping, I would try to really concentrate on what I needed to do and where I needed to go. Frustrated, I felt as though I was staring at an empty chalkboard, unable to access any information. Formerly effortless tasks, such as grocery shopping, now took many hours to accomplish and resulted in immeasurable fatigue. I would stare at my list only to find the words not registering. I found myself wandering from aisle to aisle in a grocery store where I had shopped for years.

Frustration grew and tears flowed as I would lie in bed at night, the events of the day racing through my mind mercilessly, replaying certain situations where understanding had evaded me. Restlessly, I tried to figure out what was causing such upheaval in my life, yet answers were beyond my reach. I desperately needed sleep to wash over me, my mind needing rest so I could find strength and energy for the following day.

Although I would often wake up somewhat tired, I still found myself eager to begin each brand new day. I secretly hoped I would experience marked signs of improvement. I felt encouraged by my anticipation of the events that would fill the day, but by midmorning I wrestled with the stark fact that my situation remained tumultuous and disorderly. I firmly believed that the foundation for overcoming anything was encapsulated within a positive attitude, yet questions relentlessly continued to mount as individual situations threw new, annoying curveballs at me. Answers remained absent.

Music held a special place in my heart. Having been musically inclined since I was a young teenager, music played a vital role in my life. I was a member of my junior high and high school bands, the clarinet being my instrument of choice. I took piano lessons at the age of twelve and loved playing the piano tremendously. Singing in choirs brought incredible joy for many years, and for a brief period I enjoyed playing handbells at our church. Wherever I was, music was likely to fill the room, car, or boutique.

Kip also enjoyed music, having played the trumpet in his teen years. Our children grew up with music as a constant companion, its presence filling most of their