The Crabby Old Git on Cruising: The Crabby Old Git, #1

By Phil Kingsman

Crabby's best mate, Reg, has foolishly asked for his opinion on cruise holidays.

The Old Git lets Reg have it with both propellers: Cabin grade and the effect it will have on his bank balance - and stomach; perils of the arrivals hall; the curse of the ship's paparazzi – and then there's the upgrade hustlers!

...And then there are his views on...

How to avoid the bowels from hell
Sage words on sea sickness
Being alert for geriatric entertainers with books to flog

And don't get him started on the price of shore excursions!

You never know, his views may well have you rushing to book your next cruise holiday – just so you can spot the characters and sights that the Crabby Old Git talks about - and, of course, so you can experience that feeling only a cruise holiday can give you (if you know what I mean!)
 

• Language: English
• Publisher: Phil Kingsman
• Release date: Mar 24, 2015
• ISBN: 9781507068908

Phil Kingsman

Phil Kingsman is a pen name of Keith Finney, is British and was born in the north of England. Having qualified as a Carpenter and Joiner, Keith later opened a joinery workshop. He ran this until becoming a college lecturer ten years later. Over the next twenty years, he made his way up the ranks and eventually became an Assistant Principal at a big college of further & higher education in Norfolk. Now retired, Keith re-discovered his love of writing and has written several books as a self-published, and published author.

Book preview

One

Dear Reg,

Cheers for the email you sent on Tuesday afternoon asking for my advice about cruising from a man’s point of view. What you said in the pub on Tuesday night now makes sense. It was unfortunate that the big bloke standing next to you at the bar thought you were making a pass at him – looking back, I suppose the fact that you had your hand on his shoulder in order to squeeze past him while you were talking to me about cruising for men, didn’t help.

People are so intolerant these days and seem to take offence at the most innocent of comments. I thought him kneeing you in the plums was most uncalled for. When he poured my pint down the front of your trousers, it was his way of making amends by cooling the affected parts, don’t you think?

While I’m on the subject, I know you felt I’d let you down in not remonstrating with the bruiser. However, I thought it was more important I rushed outside to see if, perchance, a police constable might be passing by - alas, as you know, no such luck.

Anyway, I’m sure your trousers have dried out by now and the smell of beer largely evaporated. Also, I’m sorry that the injury to your Crown Jewels has left you limping on both feet. All I would say is, don’t be too self-conscious about it; men of character will simply assume that you’re recovering from a vasectomy and that your advancing years make the feat all the more remarkable.

So, back to cruising. As you know, Maude and I are veterans and with all due modesty, I like to think I’m an expert on the subject. It’s true that I’m not fond of water unless it’s mixed with alcohol, but Maude believes undulating salt water beneath a 100,000ton metal box to be both invigorating for our sex life and good for moving the bowels and I can tell you that my bowels move much more freely when I am afloat.

The first thing you need to understand is that booking a cruise is not as simple as it may at first appear. There are so many questions your wife requires you to answer – and it’s important to remember that unless you are telepathic, each requires a response that is totally opposite to the logical side of your brain.

Let me give you an example. If you were to ask me which part of the world might make for an interesting cruise, I might suggest the eastern Mediterranean, to which I’m sure you would say, That’s a great suggestion, thank you. Give that answer to a women and she is likely to say, So what’s wrong with the Caribbean then?

The trick here is to listen to any subtle hints your better half may deviously slip into conversations prior to booking. It’s vitally important that you do not respond to these hints. Instead, store these titbits deep in your brain and spit them out with confidence when asked the destination question.

With a bit of luck ,you might convince her that great minds think alike. Of course it is far more likely she will