Here/Now

By DD Lorenzo

Carter was a “rules” kind of guy. He worked and believed in the system, but the system was unjust. His wife is dead, his brother tragically injured, and an innocent woman paid for the sins of another. Assessing his life, he determines that deceit and lies no longer have a place there. He’s lived in the darkness of his own despair, and watched evil corrupt the lives of those he loves. His intent is to destroy it.
What he didn’t expect was something beautiful to emerge from the darkness...

Regret lives in the past.
Hope lives in the future.
Reality is the present.

Here/Now
is the struggle.

Is it possible that tragic circumstances can birth the most unexpected blessings?

• Language: English
• Publisher: DD Lorenzo
• Release date: Dec 28, 2014
• ISBN: 9780991235933

DD Lorenzo

DD Lorenzo is a contemporary storyteller. Her novels reach deep into the heart of readers and engage them through the emotions of her characters. DD resides in Maryland, The Land of Pleasant Living. She met the love of her life in high school and decided to look no further. Together, they have raised an eclectic and amazing family. When she isn't writing stories of the impassioned lives of her characters, she is rooting for the Baltimore Ravens or the Baltimore Orioles. Her favorite pastimes include spending time with the wonderful people in her life and riding with her husband in his classic Mustang to the Eastern Shore.

Book preview

PROLOGUE

CHAPTER ONE

CHAPTER TWO

CHAPTER THREE

CHAPTER FOUR

CHAPTER FIVE

CHAPTER SIX

CHAPTER SEVEN

CHAPTER EIGHT

CHAPTER NINE

CHAPTER TEN

CHAPTER ELEVEN

CHAPTER TWELVE

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

CHAPTER NINETEEN

CHAPTER TWENTY

CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX

CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN

CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT

CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

EPILOGUE

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

For Dad, Uncle Bunky and Aunt Kats

Who taught us the simple joys of

a good chair, a cold drink,

sand between your toes,

and

walking on the Boardwalk.

Indie authors aren’t really all that independent. We get support from many different people. You’ve heard the saying it takes a village…? Yeah. It’s kind of like that.

Mike ~ Thank you… for everything. You are an amazing man and I love you with all my heart.

Mom ~ Thank you for your encouragement… and for making so many dinners. You are a special lady and I love you.

My Family and Friends ~ Thank you for your love and support… and for telling so many of your friends about my books.

My sweet little D’s ~ I love you a bushel, and a peck, and a hug around the neck.

Cathy ~ Thank you for reading every single line… over and over and over. The wine helped too.

Regina ~ Thank you for your amazing talent. If my books are judged by their cover they’re sure to be best sellers.

Angie ~ Thank you for your advice and for making my words so beautiful.

Paige ~ Thank you for stepping right in, and taking over.

Elizabeth ~ Thank you for your friendship and for shouting out my name to the masses.

Three Musketeers ~ Joanna, Lynda & Kim. Thank you for keeping me grounded and making me laugh at myself.

Vegas Girls ~ Thank you for such a memorable event, and for the friendship and laughs we had there. Connecting with old friends and making new ones was amazing.

DDs Divas ~ Thank you for your support, efforts and simply brightening my days. Your numbers are growing. It excites and humbles me.

Sang Run Cemetery, McHenry, MD

I’ve never liked cemeteries. There is an illusion of peace and tranquility, but I’ve never felt it when I come here. The headache I’ve had for the last hour is mixing with the upset stomach, and the result of both don’t resemble serenity at all.

I’ve only been here once. The day after the funeral. My feelings on that day had nothing to do with sorrow, far from it. They were thick with anger and banged through my head like a ball in a pinball machine. At least they were emotions I could deal with.

Hate.

Injustice.

Revenge.

I didn’t talk to Lacey then. I just sat down on the dirt covering her. I know it doesn’t make sense, but I was pissed at her for leaving me. It was the only thing accompanying my helplessness. I couldn’t control anything at that time. I liked order and I’d lived to please Lacey.

Now it was all gone.

Driving here today, memories were messing with my head. It was either that or my brother’s accident. I’d done a lot of driving in the past few weeks. The quiet of the road gave me some time to sort through what I was feeling. Here was another thing I couldn’t control and it was changing my life. I felt bad for Declan—and Aria, for that matter. Once again, I was at a loss. The only thing I could do for my brother was to be there for him. It was something I was good at. Being there for people, I mean. Always being what they needed, when they needed it—and Declan needed me.

I parked the truck and looked at the headstones as I tried to find her grave. Cody is right by my side. She misses Lacey too, I can tell. I’m not even sure why I came here. She isn’t here. I know it in my head, but my heart isn’t listening right now. I need to talk to her in person. I tried talking to her at the house… well, let’s just say I didn’t feel like we were connecting. So I came here.

As I walk over the graves I’m careful not to step on them. Cody doesn’t know there’s something weird about walking on somebody’s grave. You feel like you’re disrespecting them somehow. None of it affects her though, she just runs.

Up ahead I see her lay down. She found Lacey’s grave by instinct. Her chin is touching the bottom of the stone and as I approach she moves over like she’s making room for me. It’s as if she’s telling me her girl is here, but I know it all too painfully. Lacey’s resting under a tree, next to a tiny lake. She always liked the water. There’s a white gazebo. It’s filled with leaves and looks a little worn, but it’s pretty. She would have liked that too.

I didn’t know what to pick for her so the headstone isn’t anything real fancy. It’s just marble, with some pink veins going through it.

Kind of like her.

Beautiful and strong.

BELOVED WIFE

LACEY KARAS SINCLAIR

8/30/80—4/30/12

The grass is nice since I was last here. It doesn’t get much sun under this tree, but I can still see how it’s grown since the funeral. The only thing I can touch which has any connection to her is the stone which has her name on it, and it’s cold. It reminds me that, no matter the appearance, this is still a place of death.

Hi, Lace. Betcha didn’t think you’d see me, huh?

Stooping down I run my fingers over her name, as if it somehow makes her more real.

I need to tell you something, baby. I don’t think you’re gonna like it, but you probably already know it. Declan’s been hurt. He’s been hurt really bad, and I need to stay with him.

The dust from the stone is on my hands, but just like her it flies away. I don’t want to look at the carvings anymore, and I hate coming here. It’s too final. No matter what, I have to say what I came here to say.

It’s uncomfortable, leaning my back against the stone. At least I can stretch out my legs. I’m sitting as close to her as I can get. The only thing which separates us is dirt… and air… and a heartbeat.

As I lean my head back I can see there’s a squirrel above me on the branch, jumping like he’s an acrobat. It’s probably the happiest thing I’ll see today, and for a minute I feel myself smile. The rest of me feels dulled. I really need to get this over with…

Lace, I think I’m going to be gone for awhile. I’ve seen him. He’s in bad shape and really needs help. I know if you were here, you’d want me to be the one to do it—help him. So it’s what I’m gonna do.

The thought of leaving the house hits me and it’s just one of those things you wish you didn’t have to do, you know? If I leave I feel like I’m breaking my connection with her. To most people the house looks the same, and the lake hasn’t changed. The only thing that’s changed since the day of her death is me. I feel abandoned. I feel resigned.

It just is what it is.

I brought this crumpled piece of paper with me. She was always trying to get me to step out of my box. I think she meant something like this. Something I wouldn’t normally do. It was something I wrote to her right after she died. The words came one night when I wasn’t angry… just lost.

You’ll like this baby, I say as I prepare like a first grader to read to the teacher.

I wrote it for you.

I pull up my knees and lean my arms on them to make me more comfortable to do something uncomfortable, if you know what I mean. The first thing I see is my awful handwriting. I had to put my glasses on just to read it.

You were always better than me with words, Lacey. Just bear with me, and know it’s for you.

I don’t know why I’m edgy… maybe it really is like reading to the teacher.

Here goes…

If I’d only known…

Our last kiss would have been sweeter

Iced tea would’ve been how you liked it

If I’d only known

An hour before…

I would have made a phone call

Told you a joke so I could kidnap your laugh

If I’d only known

If I’d only been aware…

I’d have made love to you longer

I’d have preserved your tears

If I’d only known

A moment before…

I’d have stood in your place

Murdered what killed you

If I’d only known

In the time after…

Days are fragments

Regrets useless

If I’d only known

Forever…

I’ll feel inefficient

Wished I’d done things different

If I’d only known.

Shit! My eyes are tearing up. I don’t cry, and I don’t want anyone to see me like this so I drop my head to my chest. I don’t know why. There’s nobody around. I’m not sure what it is I’m feeling, but it hurts like hell. I just need to leave.

"I don’t know when I’ll be back, Lace. I know you’re not really here, and you don’t need me anymore. I can’t figure out what to do with myself since you left. This thing with Declan, well, I could be there for awhile, and maybe it’s a good thing."

I kiss the top of the monument to the woman I thought I’d be with forever. I’m not planning on coming back for awhile, if I ever come again. I hate it here. It rips the Band-Aid off the misery of losing her every time I think about it—but it’s all I think about. No matter what I do, no matter how much I tell myself this is a nice, pretty place for her, it just doesn’t register.

I love you, sweetheart. I always will.

How do you say goodbye to the half of your heart that’s lying in the ground?

It’s time for me and Cody to go. As I open the door she jumps in, and once I get in something starts to gnaw at me…

…I’ll never move forward if I keep looking back.

The ripple effect.

As he mulled the term over in his mind, he rotated a silver dollar-sized stone in the palm of his hand. Sitting at the edge of the pier, Carter’s long, jean clad legs dangled over the edge, the tip of his worn Katahdin boots grazing the surface of the water. The soft breeze ruffled any semblance of order in his hair. One thing was certain; he would never be a pretty-boy like his brother. It suited him just fine. Declan was the good-looking one, and he was the rough and dirty one. The differences between them only served to strengthen their relationship. They weren’t competitive in any area.

Staring ahead at the water, he mindlessly chucked the rocks he’d grabbed on his way down to the pier. One by one he pitched them, sometimes skipping a stone across the lake’s smooth surface. It was a boyhood habit, something he did when he couldn’t think clearly. As he threw them he listened for the Ker plunk sound and watched the tiny waves created by the disruption. He’d finally come home, and there wasn’t a soul there to disturb him.

The place where he’d built the lake house was secluded and quiet. Too quiet in fact. When Lacey was alive he used to slip away from the world, and from her, to come down here to the pier and wind down. Although senseless, this silent, mundane task soothed him while he sorted whatever troubles were on his mind. Like many things he used to do, this small habit didn’t hold the same appeal for him now that the house was empty. He hadn’t realized how many of the little things made him happy until they no longer did. Happy was the last word he would use to describe what he felt today, and he knew the reason. He was home facing what was left of his life, and he knew it was a good thing—but it didn’t feel like it. He tried to avoid anything that had to do with the details.

Avoidance had been his survival technique, but he couldn’t avoid driving on the road where her bike was plowed down. The problem was he had too many scenarios running through his head which had to do with the time between when she got hit, and the time she died. Thoughts like was she conscious, and if so how long was she?

The worst was wondering if she was scared. If he kept himself occupied long enough, he didn’t think about those things and what his life had become without her. Each day became just another twenty-four hours… one thousand four hundred forty minutes…eighty six thousand four hundred seconds of breathing in an airspace that he no longer shared with Lacey.

She was the last person who challenged him to be the best he could be… and she was also the last person who’d given him a reason to breathe.

He’d spent over a year trying to motivate himself to do something, but it wasn’t in his constitution to do anything he hated. Facing her death had become something he made himself do, it was part of his daily life. Was death ever something you wanted to face?

He’d decided he would focus on the good things. At least, it was the goal. He was a better man because of her, but he wasn’t an honest man. He lied to himself and everyone else by being someone other than himself, but this was the truth he faced…

In order to live without her he could no longer live for her.

Another thing which would change was how busy he wouldn’t be. Lacey loved an active life, so he lived an active life because he loved her. She was vivacious and energetic, always living life to the fullest. Now that he was home he couldn’t expect himself to have the same kind of schedule he had when she was alive. Then, typical moments of peace were a luxury which never happened—or, at least they’d been few and far between. Life with her was always in constant motion. They kept a crazy schedule. They were on the go, constantly busy with her social calendar. Carter remembered checking the fridge for the scribbled notes scheduling where he and Lacey would be going and what they would be doing. Not a week went by without them having someone over for dinner, going to a party, or participating in activities with the kids from school. Weekends alone? Forget it! Never happened.

He was always an introvert; Lacey was the outgoing one. It would be interesting for him to see exactly how much of a hermit he was. He was always screwing up in the social department, so he let Lacey take the lead. When he appeared unapproachable, she knew better. In social settings, she reminded him who to talk to, gave him a hint of what to say, or told him to take the cop hat off because he was intimidating. He didn’t have anybody to complement him now—no yin to his yang.

Sharing her was something he tolerated. It constantly felt as if they were grabbing at moments of intimacy because their life was so full of things to do. She was a walker, a hiker, and a biker. All of it came to a halt when he got the call telling him she was dead, just ten minutes away from their house. She was riding her bike. It was a hit and run accident. He couldn’t help himself from wondering if she had been a little bit more of a homebody would she have been on the road that day. It had never occurred to him Lacey would die before him. He just assumed it would be him. He was the cop. He had the dangerous job; she had the safe one. She was a teacher. The biggest problems she faced every day were either homework or disciplinary. In his job he faced confrontational idiots which could mean death at a moment’s notice. It wasn’t supposed to be like this, dammit! He missed her—and he was pissed off at her for leaving him. Those kinds of thoughts made him feel guilty. As a result he had a toxic cocktail of negative thoughts beating him in the head every day—but things were about to change.

Deep Creek Lake was where he wanted to live. Declan asked him to find a house at the beach so he could be close, but he wasn’t ready to fully let go. This was where they lived in their perfect little world. Although nothing had been the same since, he still loved life in the mountains. The only thing he didn’t expect was the loneliness. He’d become mutilated and raw, then numb. He pretended to feel for others, but right after she died he couldn’t feel—not even for himself. Days were just a blur of different tasks and activities that, sometimes, required him to be present. No matter who was in the group, or what was going on, he couldn’t feel anything. He was becoming quite the actor.

What do you do when everybody wants you to be fine?

He’d decided he didn’t want to be the kind of man that lived for everyone else anymore; he wanted to be himself. He’d become an expert at hiding anything which would give away what he might be truly thinking or feeling. No one ever noticed what he was really going through because he always reacted appropriately, but it was purely out of habit. What he lacked was personality, and he didn’t know if it would be too much trouble to have one. It was the first time in his life he admitted to himself that no one had ever loved him for him. He just wanted to be left alone for awhile so he could learn exactly who he truly was.

Fast forward to now. There was no one left to impress except for Declan and Aria, and they didn’t really pay attention to him since they had each other. One day, right before he’d decided to go home, he realized he no longer had goals and aspirations, and didn’t need to be the knight in shining armor for anyone. No one was there to impress. He could put away his academy award for dutiful son, perfect husband, and the over-protective big brother.

Now he could just… be.

Angrily he pitched the next rock harder into the air. Diversion was now his best friend, and a huge one was his brother’s accident. It was terrible to think it was a blessing in disguise, but for him it was. Aria’s mother was the one who called him to give him the news. He’d never spoken to Jeannie Cole before. He could hear the words choking her as she relayed the details. He felt so bad for her that it made him feel human again. She did her best to stay composed, but she lost the battle a few times as they talked. As inappropriate as it was, he found himself smiling at the tone of her voice. It made him remember how his mother always used her soft voice when she wanted to deliver bad news. As morbid as it was he was happy she triggered off the memory.

When he got there, it really was that blessing. Looking back he realized it was a lifeline for him because he was drowning in self-pity. He went to the beach because he had to. He was needed. Declan needed him, and so did Jeannie, she’d been so overwhelmed by it all. What mother wouldn’t be? She was at the hospital alone, surrounded by devastation. Her daughter was in shock. His brother in bad shape and possibly needing surgery, and trying to answer questions for the police. There were decisions which had to be made that she wasn’t prepared for, especially concerning Declan. Neither Jeannie nor Aria were legally allowed to do so. She tried hard to keep it together, and he felt so bad for her. He surprised himself. Once he heard the details he threw some clothes in a bag, and called Declan’s surgeon. He was on his cell as he put Codygirl in the car, then headed straight for the beach. Declan was to be taken into surgery without him being there, but he was determined to make it there before he came out so he wouldn’t wake up alone. The surgeon gave a bleak prognosis on his brother’s leg, so he drove like a bat out of hell. He could figure out the details when he got there. His main focus became Declan, and he actually forgot about himself.

The following days, weeks, and months were no picnic, but they helped him to remember the man he was. Declan proved to be a royal pain in the ass almost every day, but it was justified in light of the circumstances. Carter could handle him!

Lacey would be proud!

As for dealing with his depression, it was hard at first. He didn’t want anyone to know so he put on a cheerful personality like you’d put on an itchy sweater. Lifting Declan’s spirits was the goal. He was conscious of every move he made. Every day he did what he could to remind Declan of the things he had to live for. He tried to keep his brother’s focus on the many reasons to work hard at his rehabilitation. It was also selfish because in keeping Declan focused it kept his mind off of his own troubles.

He knew he had a life waiting for him back up at the lake house, and eventually he’d have to return, but he wasn’t looking forward to the memories ripping at him like a jagged razor. At least at the beach he could escape for awhile, and focus on Declan and Aria. That way no one would notice how empty he truly was. Surprisingly, he found he liked the beach. Moving into Declan’s home was a necessity. Aria had gone to stay at her mother’s while they sorted things out between them, and he tried not to get too involved. He focused on kicking Declan’s ass when he felt sorry for himself; in other words, he was a hypocrite. One of the hardest things he had to do was sit by as Declan treated Aria so carelessly, because he knew his brother. What he was doing was calculated. He knew exactly what effect it would have on her. Declan didn’t have a vicious bone in his body and had always been charismatic. It was so unlike him to be cruel, but Carter recognized he was distancing himself, thinking he was protecting them both. In his pain it was easy for him to break her heart with his words and spiteful attitude. He took the guilt she felt for the circumstances surrounding the accident and used it against her. Aria was a sweetheart and didn’t have it in her to hurt anyone. The emotional weight of Declan’s accident laid heavily on her small shoulders. Those were the times Carter wished Lacey were there with him. She would know what to do, what to say, and how to make things better.

She always did.

As it turned out, time did heal the wounds of both Declan and Aria. It took months and months, but fate intervened. They were meant to be together. Their difficulties proved to strengthen them individually, and as a couple. He was happy for them. He loved them both and he didn’t love easily, being very selective of those who received it.

He had avoided the pain of his own life while he concentrated on them, but life has a way of making you face yourself. Once their happiness returned, so did his despondency. It sucked him back under the surface of living. Once again, he simply existed. His empty life returned with numbing clarity as he had to face living without Lacey.

His old life was comfortable. This one had little purpose. He began to realize how he always wanted someone’s approval, and it bothered him. Wasn’t he his own man? He wasn’t sure of the answer. Now he had to ask himself; was there really a reason to be better? To tell the truth, he was a little sick of it. What about just being the person he was? Wasn’t it good enough for anybody? When he thought of it, it pissed him off. In the end, he looked forward to going home. He’d already done something good with Lacey’s death; he started a scholarship program. Everyone helped him; his brother, Aria and all the friends he’d made at the beach. It made him feel productive, but in the days after the benefit he found himself slipping back into the same mind frame. He didn’t want to put on an act anymore. He just wanted to go home and be himself—but one thing would never change. He would never, ever give up his quest for justice. He knew there was one person most responsible for Lacey’s death.

Marisol Franzi.

He believed she was a manipulative bitch, and everywhere she went, she left pain in her wake. Fortunately, Aria survived her. Lacey hadn’t been so lucky. Neither had Marisol’s sister.

After Marisol attacked Aria, she was arrested for assault and attempted murder. How the hell the judicial system thought she needed to be in Clifton T. Perkins Hospital he would never understand. Carter had to live with the death of her sister on his conscience. It was mistaken identity, and a language barrier. He wanted to hang around for awhile to see how things worked out with Marisol, so he went to live with Blake Matthews when Declan brought Aria home from the hospital. He wanted to give them some privacy. Blake found the condo through Aria’s friend, Paige. She was a great realtor and had taken him to see many properties until she found the perfect bayside condo for him. It had three bedrooms. Blake used one as a nice office,

Reviews for Here/Now

[naturalbri-1 · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

Just like books 1 and 2, I found this book gripping. There was so much emotion, it came crashing down on the characters, time and again. I really felt I was part of that emotion. The tragic moments and the lovely moments, all wrapped up together and sent through the pages, into my heart. It was hard not to love this book, with the writing style, so full-on. You were given so much detail that you knew the characters, intimately, as if they were your best mates. I found the pace of this book to be great. It was rather swift, but at the same time a lot of the activities/actions happening took place over sections of the story, so that the swiftness played into it. I didn't feel, at any time, that the story was too slow or fast paced. I liked the characters. They carried on well, throughout the three books. They haven't changed, as far as their core character. However, due to the nature of the book, there was a change in character throughout, but they were to be expected. I really enjoyed the moments of passion and love. You could tell that the two had a real connection, and I felt that D.D. Lorenzo really expressed this in the writing. Overall, I really enjoyed this book. It was captivating and really drew me in, in a way that I couldn't put the book down. I think the writing and the style of the books gets better and better, with each instalment. This was my favourite book of the three. I loved the whole premise, the characters and the culmination. This series really is a great read!