The ABC's of Cooperative Parenting

By Matt Sossi

Engaging in effective cooperative parenting strategies will mean having less conflict with your ex. Cooperative parenting does not mean that you and your ex invite each other for dinner. Cooperative parenting does not mean that you and your ex have long talks over the phone about how one another’s lives are going. Cooperative parenting does not require constant interaction with your ex. Cooperative parenting requires both parents to focus on how they will meet the needs of their children.

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: Nov 20, 2014
• ISBN: 9780989772754

Book preview

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Chapter One: Avoid Useless Conflicts

The term divorce means, by way of legal definition, that the marital relationship that existed between husband and wife is over. Divorce for parties without children means closure and the end to unresolved conflict. Matters obviously become more complicated when divorced parties have children together. Custodial agreements included in divorce actions list rights, duties, and obligations for each party and establish a manner and means by which parties interact with one another. People who have just been divorced or have a contentious relationship are poorly equipped as to how they will handle constant interaction.

People who are recently separated or divorced usually feel extremely irritated or uncomfortable when dealing with their exes. Unfortunately, parties are provided little understanding of how to interact with one another other than to follow their court orders and take a basic parenting education class. Most divorced parents fall into adversarial relationships with their ex-spouses, as they simply lack sufficient training to learn how to communicate effectively with one another.

It is important to address the many factors that incite conflict. The most common reason for conflict is a lack of emotional closure. In this situation, conflict is created to establish some sort of interaction or relationship between the parties. The conflict creates a means by which people have power over one another.

Another common reason why people don’t abandon conflict is that they have not healed from the scars of the divorce process. In this situation, the experiences individuals had in court or at settlement conferences have been internalized and carried into normal everyday life. People become entrenched in the notion that they will have revenge on the people who hurt them, and they spend their time focused on this goal. These people look for the time when conflict can be created and justice served.

People also do not abandon conflict because of their stubborn need to be right. Some individuals are so entrenched in the notion that they are right that they abandon reason and effective compromise over disputes regarding their children. These individuals lack the ability to step back and be objective, which prevents them from seeing what needs to be done to address their children’s actual needs.

Prolonged conflict comes at a great financial and emotional cost. The cost will affect your relationship with your children in both the short and the long term. Simply put, there is no benefit to maintaining a course that puts you in constant conflict with your ex. People who have endured years of constant conflict with their ex feel nothing but trapped and saddened by the entire experience, understanding too late the cost of their actions.

If you want to remove continuous conflicts with your ex, change what you are doing and how you are acting. Remember the reason why you divorced in the first place. Why put yourself in a situation that creates the very conflict you swore that you would never go back to?

Now that being said, you will have situations where you and your ex disagree on matters concerning your children. It is perfectly normal to agree to disagree on certain things. If you can focus on issues that can be clearly negotiated or resolved, you will avoid the trap of prolonged and useless conflict.

Chapter Two: Be Flexible

During my first year at Virginia Military Institute, I was required to take a boxing class. During the three-to-four month class, we would have boxing matches with various classmates. The first lesson that I learned was to move side-to-side when dealing with a boxer swinging at me head-on. By moving and changing course, it was easier to handle the fighter who was focused on coming at me head-on to cause me bodily harm. Moving from side to side gave me the ability to control how and when I would handle the conflict, and then, I could dictate how the match would proceed. Taking a moving position gave me additional time to think about what I was doing and what I wanted to accomplish.

Parental disputes over children require much of the same mental skill set that you take when you enter the ring in a boxing match. Like boxing, you will suffer needless injury if you do not understand that you can avoid an all-out slugfest if you simply move