As Long As I Live: Poems and Reflections on Grief and Loss

By Lynette Chapa

Poems and Other Rambling is not intended to be a self-help book. It depicts my personal struggles and reflections during my journey through the healing process after the death of my husband. The poems I wrote during the early periods of my grief are at times dark and disheartened. As I progressed in my journey the mood of my writings began to lighten and reflect hope. Although, my journey is not yet complete, I find more joy in life now. I reflect on my memories more with a smile than a tear. Now to my surprise I actually laugh out loud and feel heartened by hugs from old and new friends. Every day, I am amazed by the accomplishments of my children and grandchildren. I see the beauty in the world that surrounds me. I feel blessed for the life I have been given. After three long years, in many ways I am content. I cherish my memories and look forward to my future. I know this is how my husband would have wanted it to be.

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: Oct 1, 2014
• ISBN: 9781595949783

Book preview

INTRODUCTION

I am in my fourth year of grieving. It has been 3 years 6 months 21 days 3 hours and 35 minutes since my world fell apart. My mother died a year ago. She was my best friend and I miss her terribly. But her death did not rock my world the way my husband’s did. Four years ago I was gardening at our summer home, my husband wanted to go out to dinner and a movie but I was dirty and tired so we stayed home. My husband was dying and I was more concerned about my blueberry bushes than spending time with him. Of course, I didn’t know he was dying at the time. If I had, would I have done things differently? Absolutely! Would the time we had left been better spent? Probably not.

Funny thing about not knowing that you have an expiration date. You live each day like you have forever. You love, you laugh, you argue, you live. And that is what we did. All in all it was a very good life. And then the big D hit, in my case seemingly out of nowhere. And suddenly all that important stuff that I had fretted about was trivial. I was numb. It took every bit of strength I had just to breathe. I felt a pain so intense my brain couldn’t register it. In that instant, that moment of death, all the plans and dreams I had for the future evaporated. The life I knew was no more. I wept until my tears ran dry and then I weep some more. At first the sear weight of my sorrow was too much to bear, so I didn’t. I curled up and cried. But as the weeks and months passed, somehow I learned to bear the unbearable. Although I continue to cry from time to time, I’ve learned to smile even when my eyes are clouded with unshed tears. However, even as I smile there is a longing deep within me, a sense that I am not totally whole. I suppose that these feelings will never completely go away, but most of the time they are bearable. Most of the time but not all of the time. Just this morning I passed by a photograph that I had passed hundreds of times before. Today, that photograph, my husband’s smile, his eyes stopped me in my tracks. All I could do was look at his picture and think where are you, where did our time go, why aren’t you here, I don’t want to be without you. I stood there a few moments looking at that face I know so well, a few tears ran down my cold cheeks, I wiped them away with trembling figures then turned and walked on. I did what I had to do, what I know he wanted me to do. I walked