Lopsided Laughs: 100 poems & illustrations

By Tina Glasner and Rick Duncan

Do you have a sense of fun and love of engaging visual imagery, paired with clever writing? Lopsided Laughs, 100 poems & illustrations, offers observations about creativity, love, society, doctors, cats, men and women, and much more. This is for people who like puns and people who relish a poke at society's mix-up of beliefs, myths, and assumptions. Author Rick Duncan is a musician, songwriter, poet, arranger, and parody writer. He has written over 300 original songs, 300 poems, and 1,100 parodies, mostly in a humorous or sarcastic vein. Many of the poems featured here are an offshoot of his songs, including experiments with rhyme, meter, and wordplay. He loves rhymes and doesn’t usually like “free verse” (you get what you pay for). So he tries to give form and grace to the usual “atypical” subjects he writes about. Anything inspires him: bar napkins, license plates, headlines, and the odd things people say. Illustrator Tina Glasner is a writer, editor, and graphic designer. She’s authored numerous published articles and also worked as an editor and book producer on many works of nonfiction and fiction. Along the way she created a cartoon panel that never sold about the writing life called “Double Space,” earning her starving artist credentials.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Tina Glasner
• Release date: Oct 26, 2014
• ISBN: 9781311924612

Tina Glasner

Tina Glasner's career has combined writing, editing, and graphic design. For Lopsided Laughs, she performed illustration, editing, and book and cover design. Her cartoons, illustrations, and portraits have appeared online, in newsletters, and on bookmarks. She’s published over 50 nonfiction articles, and is a freelance editor and technical writer. She’s always been fascinated by the hodgepodge of beliefs, myths, and assumptions that we all carry around, and how, when challenged, many of these turn out to be totally nonsensical.

Book preview

Lopsided Laughs

100 poems & illustrations

by Rick Duncan and Tina Glasner

Smashwords Edition

Copyright 2014 Richard A. Duncan & Tina B. Glasner

Editing by Tina Glasner. Copyediting by Donna Gary. Cover designed by Tina Glasner. This book is available in print at most online retailers.

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to your favorite ebook retailer and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of these authors.

CONTENTS

Work

Doctors & Lawyers

Relationships

Kid Stuff

Creativity

Life

Pets

Society

Love

Language

Beliefs

Women & Men

Author, Rick Duncan

Illustrator & Editor, Tina Glasner

WORK

Black Mariah

By Tyre D. Jobs

I called in sick to work today

I ate a bad papaya

At least that’s what I told the boss

It was the Black Mariah

He offered to send me a nurse

To cure this Black Mariah

I told him that to help me

He should send me the Messiah

And then he asked me what on earth

Is this Black Mariah?

I said if I’m not careful

I just might up and die-uh

I thought I had it made then

With that deadly Black Mariah

But then he right there on the phone

Called me a big fat lie-uh

So now I’m headed off to work

I’ve cured the Black Mariah

The next time I want some time off

I guess I’ll just retie-uh

Blind Squirrel

By Ro Dent

When the grass out there seems greener

We curse our rotten luck

You can’t discard the hand you’re dealt

You find you’re often stuck

Life is full of random chances

One man sits, another dances

Sometimes the biggest loser gets the finest girl

And an acorn gets discovered by a blind squirrel

We all know the incompetent

Still usually survive

Some live like a parasite

But they stay alive

Some produce exactly zero

And have great homes and jobs

I see that sightless chipmunk

And I wonder who he robs

But sometimes fate is in our favor

Throws a meaty bone

Hunker down, enjoy the flavor

Next might come a stone

Life is full of lazy jerks

One man loafs, another works

Sometimes the biggest loser finds the finest pearl

And an acorn gets discovered by a blind squirrel

All In The Family

By Rick Bunker

I went to try out for a job at I.B.M.

The applicants were spilling out the door

I knew I was more qualified than most of them

I had all of the training and a high S.A.T. score

I filled the forms with confidence and penmanship

I pitied other people in the place

The guy in line in front of me was such a dip

The kind you know right off would never

Make it to first base

The interviewer spoke with us, I was so cool

I thought about the dollars I’d have soon

The little twerp made of himself a total fool

The obvious decision would be made this afternoon

After lunch they told me I had lost to that poor clown

And pretty soon my vocals were restored

I asked them what had prompted them to turn me down

And discovered that his daddy was the chairman of the board

It’s all in the family

And almost any slob

With fortunate heredity

Will still get any job

So now I’m dating someone that I don’t like much

I play the game because the stakes are high

I buy her gifts and tell her that I love her and such

She’s telling everyone she loves a really super guy

And soon I’ll have a cushy job at R.C.A.

I’ll drink champagne instead of dirty water

I’m going to be in riches when I’m old and gray

For I’ll sacrifice true love and wed the boss’s daughter

It’s all in the family

It’s not pretty, but it’s so

The theory of relativity

Says it’s always who you know

It’s always who you know

Casting Couch

By Makura Starr

If you want a movie role

Because a film is everlasting

You must sell more than your soul

For there’s an animal in casting

You’ve got to play the game

You’ve got to use the system

It’s a custom of the trade

You can’t fight them or resist them

Your talent cannot shine without

Showing them what you’ve got

And you cannot say your lines without

Blowing them on the spot

It’s like any other job

It’s the boss the workers fear

Only in the movie biz

You must kiss more than some rear

If that’s something you won’t do

There’s a hundred more outside

All as talented as you

Who won’t play the bashful bride

You cannot play the part without performing

You have to read a script that has no plot

The interview may last until the morning

While you show them everything you’ve got

What A Plumber Needs To Know

By Rick Rooter

I work hard for a living

I got big bills to pay

I got the hungry kiddies

And the wife needs bucks to play

I’m not a brilliant man

But there are three facts I can say

Gas goes up, poop goes down

And the wages come on Friday

My brother knows a lot of stuff

He’s good at Jeopardy

He thinks that I don’t know enough

But he don’t work hard like me

I’m just a lowly plumber

But three facts earn me my pay

Gas goes up, poop goes down

And the wages come on Friday

My kids look down