Why Are You Calling Me? 50 True Tales of Teasing, Tricking & Tormenting Telemarketers

By Murray Sparks

Hate telemarketers? In Why Are You Calling Me, comic mastermind Murray Sparks finds humour in turning the tables on telemarketers. From asking recruiters to help staff his exotic animal taxidermy business to convincing a cold-caller to help him invest in a deposed Nigerian king -- no telemarketer is spared from Murray's cheeky imagination.
Drift away with Murray's mechanic Wendall on a hot air balloon ride. Journey on a children's adventure hike wearing one of Murray's patented "meat belts." And watch Murray navigate through his day-to-day tasks using his brand new toe thumbs.
Each prank is comedy gold and sure to put a grin on your face.

Caution: This book includes gnomes, mimes, voodoo, ugly children, telemarketers, toe thumbs, and more!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Murray Sparks
• Release date: Jul 3, 2014
• ISBN: 9780988040335

Book preview

NELLIE: Hi, this is Nellie from [recruitment company] calling. Are you the person who hires the office personnel for your company?

ME: All hiring is done from our administration office.

NELLIE: But what about for your location?

ME: Well. . . I guess I could use someone.

NELLIE: Terrific! What do you need, accounting, clerical, reception. . . ?

ME: I’m not sure. . . . You see, we do taxidermy on exotic animals like pythons and koala bears and pumas and three-toed sloths. Basically any dead exotic animal that people bring us. We don’t ask where they come from—that’s none of our business.

Recently my best disemboweller quit and I’ve been running around trying to answer the phone, gut the animals, and take care of the customers. It’s very hectic! If you had a receptionist that’s not too squeamish around blood and knows how to use a skinning knife, an ice cream scoop, and a needle and thread, I just might be interested.

NELLIE: I . . . I don’t think an office receptionist would do that kind of work.

ME: It’s not that complicated—the animals are already dead. All she has to do is drain the blood, open up the animal, remove the innards, fill the carcass with Styrofoam shipping peanuts, sew it up and mount it. Simple!

NELLIE: Uhh . . . maybe I should get my supervisor?

ME: We don’t need a supervisor. We can figure this out. What about an accountant that can prep and mount these animals?

NELLIE (sounding a little scared): I’m just going to get my supervisor for you. . . .

ME: Fine. When you’re talking to him, can you find out if he has a file clerk who can help us make hot dogs from the discarded meat?

Click!

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CHIPMUNKS

SHEENA: Good morning, this is Sheena from [credit card transaction service]. Can I speak to the owner?

ME: That would be me, Sheena. Please bear with me if I seem a little distracted, but late last year I was diagnosed with animated audio sensory invasion and I’m still struggling with the symptoms.

SHEENA: Okay. . . . I’ve never heard of that before, but—

ME: Not many people have—it’s very rare. But I don’t mind talking about it. People who have this affliction hear voices in their heads in the form of cartoon characters. In my case, it’s the Chipmunks: Alvin, Simon, and Theodore.

Sometimes Alvin will make a violent or crazy suggestion to me and I’ll act on it. This came to a head during the Christmas shopping season while I was buying gifts at Toys R Us. In my head, Alvin starting singing Christmas Don’t Be Late, and when he got to the part about wanting a hula hoop, I just lost it! I started tearing through the store knocking over displays and children, searching frantically for this hula hoop.

Well, long story short, the manager took a photo-copy of my driver’s license and I’m no longer welcome at this particular toy store chain.

SHEENA: That’s interesting, but I should get to the reason for my call. . . .

ME: There’s more. I found two other guys with the same problem and formed a kind of support group. Lance hears the voices of Yogi and Boo-Boo and Clarence hears the voices of the Scooby-Doo gang. Many of our meetings have ended early when Lance storms out to look for pic-a-nic baskets and Clarence shouts out, I’d have gotten away with it too if it hadn’t been for those meddling kids!

SHEENA: (silence)

ME: Uh-oh!

SHEENA: What’s uh-oh?

ME: This is uh-oh. . . ALLLLVVVVIIIIIIIIIIIIINNN!

Click!

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TO BOLDY GO . . . ON A FREE CRUISE

COMPUTERIZED HORN: BAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

AUTOMATED VOICE: Congratulations! Please stay on the line to win your free Caribbean cruise!

MELISSA: Congratulations! This is Melissa from Caribbean Cruises calling!

ME: Engine room, chief engineer Mr. Scott speaking.

MELISSA: Hello, Mr. Scott! I’m calling about the cruise you’ve just won. If you’ll just give me a moment of your time to complete this survey, I’ll tell you how to claim your exciting cruise vacation.

ME: This is a weird coincidence, Melissa! Did you know that you’re calling the engine room on the luxury cruise ship Enterprise?

MELISSA: I am? Are you serious?

ME: I’m standing here in the engine room right next to the proton torpedoes, and please, call me Scotty!

MELISSA: Okay, Scotty. Can I get back to the survey?

ME: Soon, Melissa. Do you know if any of these other cruise ships are looking for a chief engineer?

MELISSA: I don’t really have anything to do with that.

ME: Melissa, I gotta get off this ship—it’s so dysfunctional! The captain speaks in these blurted-out, rushed sentences with many pauses in. Between. Each. Word. The chief science officer complains constantly about things not being logical and the chief helmsman chases the male guests around the pool area, snapping wet towels and yelling out, OH MY! That’s not even the worst of it though.

The rest of the crew is forced to wear these red shirts and their turnover rate is extremely high! Quite often, they’re gone before we even get to know their names! However, due to crew shortages, we’re forced to hire replacements rejected by the Klingon and Romulan cruise lines. They’re usually hard to work with and they scare the hell out of the passengers.

So what do you think, Melissa? Do you have the authority to hire me?

MELISSA: I just take the surveys and book the trips. . . .

ME: I think I understand what you’re saying, Melissa. YOU’RE GIVING IT ALL YOU’VE GOT BUT YOU DON’T HAVE THE POWER!

MELISSA: I. . . .

ME: Sorry, Melissa. Scotty out!

Click!

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ORGAN DONORS

STEVEN: Hi! This is Steven from [global investment firm] calling. Could I speak to Murray, please?

ME: This is Murray. Can I help you?

STEVEN: Yes . . . Murray! We spoke a few months ago about you investing in our venture capital funds. You said to call back in March.

I think I remember that call. He was very pushy so I put him on hold, then I went out for lunch.

ME: Actually, Steven, Murray is my middle name. I prefer to be called by my professional name, Dr. Stein. Dr. Franklin Stein.

STEVEN: Oh! Should I just call you Dr.