Kin Ship

By S.E. Batt

In the depths of space, a loving human mother celebrates a new baby in the family. The race? Spaceship.

Kingsley and Adelstein find themselves trapped within a pirate base, told to become pirates or suffer the consequences. Things turn strange when the pirate leader, Alterash, takes a liking to the intelligent ship, and decides to make it her own. Kingsley hopes for a sane and simple challenge for once, but the ABC books and baby rattles say otherwise...

A humorous science fiction novella, totalling around 38,000 words.

• Language: English
• Publisher: S.E. Batt
• Release date: Jun 9, 2014
• ISBN: 9781311234674

S.E. Batt

S.E. Batt loves all things light-hearted and humorous. When he's not writing, he's playing video games, talking to other writers, and generally wishing he was writing. He's a proud member of the Forward Motion online writer's group, and sends all of its members a digital thumbs-up.

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Copyright

Kin Ship

S.E. Batt

Copyright 2014 by S.E. Batt

Smashwords Edition

Table of Contents

1. Copyright

2. Kin Ship

3. Thanks

4. Other Stories By S.E. Batt

5. Excerpt from The Invention of Crime

Kin Ship

Lady Alterash appeared exactly what you’d expect a leader of bandits to look like.

The best part about her pirate look is that she didn’t put any effort into it whatsoever. Other leaders of rogue criminals shed blood and sweat to make their appearance as rugged and sinister as possible; to her, it came naturally. Pirates everywhere gargled acid for that genuine ‘makes a gutter sound like an opera singer’ gruff voice, made appointments to see which limbs they can replace with menacing hooks and firearms, and even going so far as to going into Pirate Speaking night classes at local Universities. Alterash, however, didn’t have to bother. The eye patch was legitimate, her left eye taken in a bank heist that cost millions of interstellar currencies. The scar across her face came from pushing away a lecherous advance from the notoriously perverted Jalrug race. She wished the alien swung its broken bottle a little harder, as it was a little too weighted on the right side. It was much more impressive than the authentic-looking make-up everyone else had to put on, however.

Someone would have expected such a notorious bandit to have a bustling, keen group of criminals under her rule. Unfortunately, so did she, once.

She blamed the location, herself. Setting up a base within an asteroid sounded great on paper. She even had future plans to shape it into a skull. The allure, however, didn’t seem to pass on to other people. The problem with having a hidden base inside of a rock was that it was hidden, with the large majority of people passing by thinking it was just a large asteroid within a belt of slightly smaller asteroids. She had considered advertisements and road signs, but that would tip off a lot more than just potential lackeys. She just had to hope that someone as grizzled and sinister as her would also consider the thought of living within a base set deep in a lump of space crud.

Well, when she put it that way, it definitely seemed much less feasible.

Still, some people had made it. Granted, the two bandits she ruled over only discovered her base through luck. The intricacies and ploys used to mask the rooms from view was well-appreciated by the pair when they crashed their ship directly into them. The pair were, evidently, as thick as wooden planks, but at least they weren’t law-abiding planks. Still, their lack of intelligence gave her something to scowl at, which she was currently perfecting to a T on them both. The duo were looking very forlorn. One of them was nibbling on the hat he held in his hands.

But a knight can’t ‘snipe’ a pawn from across the board, Alterash said. She sat back in her chair, which was made up of charred ship metal and gears. That’s an illegal move.

That’s what I told him, one pirate said, scuffing his foot against the metal floor. But he didn’t listen. He even made pew-pew noises when he did it.

It was totally unfair, the other pirate said. When we started using its own rules against it, it got mad. Then it claimed that our Queen had become a turncoat and back-stabbed a rook while he was sleeping.

"Then we took his King, and he almost cried until he realised that he ‘forgot’ to tell us that the King was actually a hydra. Then he put two kings on the board."

Alterash frowned. And you’re saying this is the most intelligent artificial intelligence you’ve ever met?

Has to be. Nothing spoke to us like that one ship did. Something about it was almost…human. As if an actual person talked directly to us.

Well, if it was so smart, why did it take you several hours to get back here?

It, uh, the man eating his hat said, gnawing on the brim a little. Did a best of three.

And then, the other said. A best of five.

Then nine. Then seventeen. Then thirty-five. Then he got all giddy about the idea of never stopping his games of chess and we escaped when the ship’s captain ratted him out for saying such bollocks. We’re lucky that the escape pods still worked.

Not so lucky that they didn’t have toilets. And that I’m lactose intolerant.

Alterash raised an eyebrow. What has that to do with anything?

The pirates looked at one another. Let’s just say we’re not going to be wanting a cup of tea anytime soon. What with the AI getting into its systems and all.

It managed to get into the drinks dispensers? Alterash said, leaning forward. But that’s impossible. For an AI, anyway. If I wanted to give the guards in a secured building a nasty case of black tea, I’d have to hire an expert hacker for that. They don’t come cheap, or automated.

But it managed it, I swear.

Then that means we’ll need to get our hands on this ship, then, doesn’t it? It may be eccentric, but it’s certainly efficient. If we could just capture it and crack open that electronic skull that it has, we might just have ourselves a new member of the pirates. A smart one, at that.

Hey, I’m smart enough.

You’re eating your hat. Still.

The pirate removed it from his mouth. Alright, but you still haven’t given us a plan, have you? How are we supposed to haul in a ship that’s smarter than us?

It may be smarter, Alterash said, rubbing her chin, but it may very well not be as mature. We’ll see if we can get our mitts on that ship. First, however, we need to do a little bit of revealing ourselves.

Oh, one pirate said, eyeing the other nervously. Because last time we did that, a bartender told us to get out.

Not in that way. Sometimes a mother spider needs to give away where her web will be. However, Alterash said, a grin creeping across her face. If the poor bastard doesn’t know what a web is, she can use that to her advantage, now, can’t she?

***

So what you’re basically saying, Kingsley said, is that you lost them both. Somehow.

Somehow? the Adelstein repeated. It banked upwards to avoid the asteroid it was on a collision course with. What do you mean, ‘somehow’? They went into this asteroid field, didn’t they?

That’s correct, which is why you should be utilising some of the best scanners and probes that have been installed onto your systems.

Oh, scanners? the Adelstein said, with an over-dramatic tone of realisation. He brought himself to a stop. "Oh, why didn’t I think of that before? You truly are a genius, you know that? Well, let me go ahead and fire up these scanners, shall I? Let’s see here…"

There was a series of cheerful-sounding beeps.

Ah, yes, here we are. The scanning results are in.

Good, Kingsley said. He took a seat in the captain’s chair. What did you find?

Well, if you look directly ahead of us, you’ll see rocks. If you look to the sides, you’ll find more rocks. If you check the scanners built for detecting sneak attacks from behind, you’ll find that it has detected a very ominous-looking rock that is, in fact, on a collision course with us. Calculations state that it will collide with us in approximates thirty-five years, so time is of the essence.

Adelstein.

If we do a larger scan, we can find even more rocks. If we do a more penetrating scan of the nearby area, we can see the internals of the rocks, which is compromised mainly of, to your total surprise, rock. There’s rocks over here, rocks over there…

Adelstein, search for where the escape pods went. We need to apprehend them.

Oh, you think I’m not trying, do you? Because I already did, and I discovered all these new friends that you could make. Here, how about I ask one of these rocks where they went? I’m sure they’ll know, it’s not like they’re going anywhere at any bloody speed.

You have the best bloody scanners there are, how can you not find them?

Because it’s like burying your face in a bowl of flour in order to find a pea within it. Except there was no pea, because it was probably smart enough to bail out of the bowl as soon as you planted your stupid face in it.

Well, look for signals, then. If the escape pods are around here, maybe they’re giving off a distress signal. And no, Kingsley said. He often found himself scouring at the ship’s screen as if the Adelstein’s face was there. It probably was not there at all, but it helped his mood anyway. Asteroids can’t emit signals, before you moan about that as well.

Alright, alright. I’ll have a look around and see if I can plug an ear on anyone’s radio transmissions. But I’m warning you, we’re going to get nothing.

Kingsley adjusted in his seat. We might find something.

A soft hiss came through the speakers, accompanied by a whining noise that dipped and raised its tone erratically. "See? Nothing here. If I scan for signals over here, nothing. If I have a peer over here, still nada. And if I aim over in this total nondescript area over here, you’ll find that there’s no—"

Asteroid Station to nearby ships, come in, a voice came from the speakers. It sounded like a mother who had been dealing with one too many kids. Does anyone read me, over?

See, Kingsley said, leaning back with a smug look on his face. Told you there would be something.

Shut up, Adelstein spat. I bet it’s nothing.

Well, answer the lady back, and we’ll see.

Alright then. There was a sequence of beeps. Yes, hello, this is me. I’m the, uh…GMS…CLP…HHWH Adelstein, and I’m…in some rocks.

Ah, the female voice said. We’re lucky we came across you, GMSCL…P? What were the other letters?

I don’t know, the Adelstein said. You just hear everyone putting HMS and USS and other stuff in front of their names. I thought I could make up my own.

Oh. The voice sounded as if they had opened a Christmas present and found the sweater within. Well, uhm…oh, yes, of course. We have a fire within our asteroid-based station, and we’re in dire need of someone to help escort us out and to potentially fight the fire. Do you think you have what it takes?

Depends, the Adelstein said. Which lump are you living in?

I’m sending you the coordinates now. Can you establish a lock on it?

Let’s have a look here…aha! Adelstein said. He brought up a live feed of the asteroid in question. To Kingsley, he could have easily mistaken it for just another floating piece of space debris. I have you on lock, ma’am.

Excellent. If you could come over here as fast as you possibly could, it would be appreciated. I fear that the fire is spreading. It could take our lives at any mo—

Nope.

Kingsley was used to Adelstein’s somewhat off-the-cuff remarks. This one, however, actually made him sit upright from his chair. What do you mean, ‘no’? We help serve the people, remember? We’re the good guys.

"While that is true, consider this possibility; given that we’re in an area of space where two pirates fled to on reflex, that said two pirates vanished amongst the rocks, and that it turns out that there’s a base in one of the asteroids which is made deliberately to fool anyone passing by, I’d say that something is amiss here. Something like…a trap."

A sound effect of a deep organ played, followed by thunder and a deep