FW: FW: Through the Firewall: These Are the Emails You Wish You'd Kept but Didn't.

By Matt Hall

These are the emails you wish you'd kept but didn't. The ones which made you snort out loud at your screen, proudly forward on, then quickly delete before your boss came in. This is a collection of the sharpest, most topical and politically incorrect humour that ever entered your inbox. From misadventure and mayhem, to racism, radicalism, senility and sexism - it's all here for your reading pleasure.

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: Jun 1, 2014
• ISBN: 9781483526713

Book preview

firewall

1

FW:FW: Through the firewall

FW: FW:
Subject: ahhhhhhh….the good old days.

Yeah, well quite bloody scarily, when I was a wee thing, I remember buying two potato cakes and minimum chips and still getting change out of 10 cents and I’m not much !@#$% younger than grandpa.

One night a grandson was talking to his grandfather about current events. The grandson asked his grandfather what he thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general.

The grandad replied, "Well, let me think a minute, I was born, before television, penicillin, polio shots, frozen foods, Xerox, contact lenses, Frisbees and the pill.

There was no radar, credit cards, laser beams or ballpoint pens.

Man had not invented pantyhose, air conditioners, dishwashers, clothes dryers, and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and man hadn’t yet walked on the moon.

Your grandmother and I got married first-and then lived together. Every family had a father and a mother.

Until I was 25, I called every man older than I, ‘Sir’ -and after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, ‘Sir.’

We were before gay-rights, computer-dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy.

The Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense governed our lives.

We were taught to know the difference between right wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.

Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilege.

We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent. Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins.

Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening breeze started.

Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends not purchasing condominiums.

We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings.

We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President’s speeches on our radios, And I don’t ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey.

If you saw anything with ‘Made in Japan’ on it, it was junk.

The term ‘making out’ referred to how you did on your school exam.

Pizza Hut, McDonald’s, and instant coffee were unheard of.

We had 5 & 10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents.

Ice cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel. And if you didn’t want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.

You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600 but who could afford one? Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.

In my day, ‘grass’ was mowed, ‘coke’ was a cold drink, ‘pot’ was something your mother cooked in, and ‘rock music’ was your grandmother’s lullaby.

‘Aids’ were helpers in the Principal’s office, ‘chip’ meant a piece of wood, ‘hardware’ was found in a hardware store, and ‘software’ wasn’t even a word.

And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby. No wonder people call us old and confused and say there is a generation gap…and how old do you think I am?

This man would be only 58 years old!

Subject: All the males out there -
let me hear you screeeeeaammmmm!!!!!

Three worst Chinese torture tests

A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he’s hopelessly lost. It’s been nearly three weeks since he’s eaten anything besides what he could forage and he’s been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees.

One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It has vines covering most of it and the man can’t see any other buildings in the area. However, he sees smoke coming out of the chimney implying someone is home.

He knocks on the door and an old man answers, with a beard almost down to the ground. The old man squints his eyes and says What do you want?

The man says I’ve been lost for the past three weeks and haven’t had a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would be most gracious if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight

The old Chinese man says I’ll let you come in on one condition: You cannot mess around with my granddaughter

The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying, I promise I won’t cause you any trouble. I’ll be on my way tomorrow morning The old Chinese man counters Ok, but if I do catch you then I’ll give you the three worst Chinese torture tests ever known to man.

Ok, Ok the man said as he entered the old house. Besides, he thought to himself, what kind of woman would live out in the wilderness all her life?

Well, that night, when the man came down to eat (after showering), he saw how beautiful the granddaughter was. She was an absolute pearl, and while he had only been lost three weeks, it had been many, many months without companionship. And the girl had only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather and well, they both couldn’t keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal.

That night, the man snuck into the girls’ bedroom and they had quite a time, but had kept the noise down to a minimum. The man crept back to his room later that night thinking to himself, Any three torture tests would be worth it after that experience.

Well, the next morning the man awoke to a heavy weight on his chest. He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on his chest. On the rock was a sign saying 1st Chinese torture test: 100 lb rock on your chest.

What a lame torture test the man thought to himself as he got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock out. On the backside of the rock is another sign saying 2nd worst Chinese torture test: Rock tied to right testicle.

The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to be grabbed, jumps out the window after the rock. Outside the window is a third sign saying 3rd worst Chinese torture test: Left testicle tied to bedpost.

Subject: generic viagra

In pharmacology, all drugs have a generic name: Tylenol is acetaminophen, Aleve is naproxen, Amoxil is amoxicillin, Advil is Ibuprofen,
and so on.

The US Federal Drug Administration has been looking for a generic name for Viagra, and announced that it has settled on Mycoxafailin.
Also considered were Mycoxafloppin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Mydixadud, and Alimpdixafixit.

And of course, Ibepokin.

Subject: life is better being a boy

Phone conversations last 30 seconds.

Queues for the loo are 80% shorter.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If you don’t call your friend when you say you will, he won’t tell everyone that you’ve changed.

New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

You can buy the first thing you see without having to come back three hours later.

You can open all your own jars.

All your orgasms are real.

Movie nudity is virtually always female.

People expect you to masturbate.

Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.

You can’t get pregnant.

You can fart with impunity.

If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

If you’re 34 and single, nobody gives a toss.

You can wear a white shirt in the rain.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough for most of your life.

You can boast about the number of people you’ve slept with.

You can say anything and not worry about what people think.

Foreplay is optional.

Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk in the room.

You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.

You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

You don’t give a toss if no one notices your new haircut.

The world is your urinal.

You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.

Hot wax never comes near your pubes.

One mood, all the time.

Stag nights are much more fun than Hen nights.

You needn’t pretend you’re freshening up when you go for a dump.

You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you’re not in the mood.

Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.

You can run without looking like a complete spacka.

Throwing / catching objects is possible.

Subject: natural selection

>  A herd of buffalos can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo.

>  And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and

>  weakest ones at the back that are killed first. >

>  This natural selection is good for the herd as a

>  whole, because the general speed and health of the

>  whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of

>  the weakest members. In much the same way, the human

>  brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. >

>  Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills

>  brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and

>  weakest brain cells first. >

>  In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates

>  the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and

>  more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you

>  always feel smarter after a few beers.

Subject: airline humour

After every flight, pilots complete a gripe sheet which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The form is a piece of paper that the pilot completes, and then the mechanics read and correct the problem.

They then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour.

Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems, submitted by QANTAS pilots, and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

> >P = The problem logged by the pilot.
S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.

> >P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

> >P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough. S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

> >P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

> >P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on back-order.

> >P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent. S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

> >P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed.

> >P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

> >P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That’s what they’re there for.

> >P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

> >P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you’re right.

> >P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

>