The Art of Miscommunication: Announcers and Help Desks

By Barney Hegarty

We communicate 24 / 7 from the moment we are born until the moment we die. Everything we say or do is an act of communication. After breathing, communication is the single thing we do most. So we really should be pretty good at it.

Maybe that’s why it can be so funny when it goes wrong.

Or when it gives a very different message than the one you were expecting - either deliberately or accidentally.

“The Art of Miscommunication - Announcers and Help Desks” is a collection of some of the very funniest emails that the author has received since he started to retain them at the turn of the century. This grouping involves announcers, bulletin writers, customer service, some from the eternally patient Help Desk staff and one or two random ones just for fun. Most are true and all made him laugh out loud - an experience he would especially like to share with you.

The book is deliberately less than 40 pages long so it can be absorbed while you take a short trip, a break, a commute, a meal or a drink. And all for less than the cost of a coffee.

Warning: If you are sensitive, suffer from Political Correctness, or are someone who is unable to laugh at either yourself or outrageous comments, please do not read this book. You are unlikely to enjoy it.

Everyone else - fill your boots and don’t forget to laugh. It’s good for you.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Barney Hegarty
• Release date: Mar 11, 2014
• ISBN: 9781910291016

Barney Hegarty

Barney Hegarty is a pen name for Steve Corkhill.Born in Liverpool, UK, Steve was named by a public vote in the bar of a pub in North Wales. After an enjoyable education where his results reflected his passion and occasional aptitude for team sports, he started his working life training to be an accountant.His interest in audits soon waned and he changed jobs, only to be made redundant while he was on holiday. So he followed his childhood dream, trained as a schoolmaster and moved into a position in the glorious World Heritage City of Bath, UK. After a fairly rapid rise through the ranks he took his first major career gamble and accepted a 50% pay cut and an 85% reduction in holidays to move into the developing personal computing industry.It worked. It was quickly evident that there was an enormous gap between the IT specialists and the desires of their customers to be have something both useful and useable. Steve’s particular skills and values were well suited to fill the role of intermediary, specialising in making IT work for businesses across all sorts of sectors. It meant learning every day of his life, which is one of his core principles.At a birthday party one day, he realised that his commitment to clients meant that he was missing out on his children growing up, so took another career gamble. He resigned and went self-employed.So FlatBear was born and with it the plan to develop an internet based publishing arm in parallel with his day to day consulting activities. There followed years of study, investigation, wistful dreaming and, frankly, ennui. The consulting was working well and the indie publishing dream slipped out of sight.He was shocked into action by a series of events in 2013 and 2014 and the result was a series of books under the pen-name of Barney Hegarty, written mainly to test and learn the process of publishing. That established an infrastructure and broke the “one day” barrier.Receiving his very first payment of literally pennies for making international sales changed the game. He was hooked again.He finally wrote and published “Reboot For The Worn Out Professional”, a book he had been planning for years in response to seeing colleagues suffering burnout and stress in their high intensity jobs and of course as a result of his own recent challenges.One day it turned out that he had a heart defect. He went through the experience of open heart surgery, where a barrow-load of beliefs and presumptions were first shattered then realigned. The novel “How To Recover From Open Heart Surgery” is the direct result.At the time of writing he still lives in Bath. It has been easier to base himself there and travel the world than to continually move around after the work. Apart from that, it’s beautiful.Steve is still married to Betsan, the woman he first met in 1980.

Book preview

The Art of Miscommunication - Announcers and Help Desks

By Barney Hegarty

Copyright Barney Hegarty 2014 all rights reserved

Published by FlatBear Publishing

PO Box 3679, Bath, UK. BA2 4WS

ISBN 978-1-910291-01-6

Smashwords Edition

Part of the Laugh Out Loud emails series

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

This e-book is licensed for your enjoyment. If you feel a need to share this book with one other person, you may do so provided the book remains in its complete original form. Outside that limit, please purchase an additional copy for each reader. If you are reading this book and did not purchase it then please return to your favourite e-book retailer and buy a full copy. Thank you for respecting the author’s work.

Table of Contents

Tube Announcements

Customer Services

Church Bulletins

Flight Announcements

Australian Tourist Board

Out of Office messages

Technical Support

Word Perfect

British Classified Ads

Valentine’s Day

Newsletter Announcements

More Underground Announcements

Heartfelt Customer Complaint

More from the airlines

Signs of our time

Help Desk

A Better Way

Call Centre Conversations

Samples from other books in this series

About the author

Welcome

"The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place"

George Bernard Shaw

"First learn the meaning of what you say, and then speak"

Epictetus

Everything we say or do is an act of communication. We communicate 24 / 7 from the moment we are born until the moment we die. After breathing, communication is the single thing we do most so we ought to be pretty good at it.

Maybe that’s why it can be so funny when it goes wrong or we give a very different message than the one you were expecting - either deliberately or accidentally.

The Art of Miscommunication - Announcers and Help Desks is a collection of some of the very funniest emails that I received since the turn of the century involving announcers, bulletin writers, customer service and even some from the eternally patient Help Desk staff. Most are true and all have made me laugh out loud.

Laughter is brilliant. It has the magical effect of lifting your day, lightening your mood and generally making the world a better place for a while. And of course everyone around you benefits from your improved mood as well.

There are three strict rules applied when selecting emails for these books:

- They are not derogatory towards any individual, because that’s not fair.

- They are not crude, although it must be said that they can be quite adult.

- They make me laugh out loud

Warning: If you are sensitive, suffer from Political Correctness, or are someone who is unable to laugh at either yourself or outrageous comments, please do not read this book. You are unlikely to enjoy it.

Everyone else - I hope you enjoy this as much as I enjoyed compiling it.

Barney

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Tube Announcements

The following are actual announcements made on the London Underground

At Camden town station on a crowded Saturday afternoon:

'Please let the passengers off the train first. Please let the passengers off the train first. Please let the passengers off the train first. Let the passengers off the train FIRST! Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see