Sick Book of Lies

By Matt Payne

A gruesome grimoire of hilarious anecdotes, wonderful tales, impossible bullshit, and good advice.

As well as sorcery, spiritual insight, get-rich-quick schemes, and ancient wisdom.

Pretty much x-rated.

• Language: English
• Publisher: pattmayne
• Release date: Jan 22, 2014
• ISBN: 9781311191267

Matt Payne

pATTmAYNE Books publishes books by the different pen-names of the author Matt Payne. This includes Johannes Paine and Matt Payne.

Book preview

The Sick Book of Lies

Copyright 2013

by

Matt Payne

The Purpose of Hell: Fifteen Micro- Stories

by

Tom Halford

Edited by Bradley Sands

Smashwords Edition

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each reader. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

Table of Contents:

-Introduction #7

-Impossibly Meaningless Coincidence

-The Government Stole My Hat

-The Purpose of Hell: Fifteen Micro-Stories

-Squirrel Warfare

-First Men to Mars

-How to Land an Airplane

-My Sneaky Neighbour

-My Time as a Pirate

-Cure for Homelessness

-The Editors Have Been Massacred!

-Travel Blog: Biggle Beach

-Torture Insurance

-The Corporate Old Testament

-New Scientist-Roommate

-Wit-Quicker

-Neanderthals on the Moon

-Buying a Gingerbread Home

-My First Murder

-Travel Blog: Moon Hotel

-God Created the Universe to Battle Other Universes

-Lost Chocolates

-How to Escape from a Surreal Dimension Where Nothing Makes Sense

-Splinter Removal Software

-To All My Detractors

-King of the Jungle Ladies

-Now Hiring!

-Scientist-Animals

-Annual Fistfight

-Geometry Is Dying

-Geometry, Heroin and the Illuminati

-The Never-Ending Burger

-Meditation for Mutation

-The Essence of Yellow

-A Lovely New Home

-The Travelling Spoon

-Wilderness Survival Emergency

-Blending New Genres in Music

-My Buffer Zone

-Dealing with Depression

-You Are the Only Mind in the Universe!

-Guilt-Tripping the Volcano

-Recreational Ribs Recipe

-Buying the Right Puppy

-Math Dinosaur

-This Tree Isn’t Acting Normal

-The Perfect Vacation

-Winged Men with No Morals

-Recession Detective

-Photo ID Odyssey

-Kidney Swap

-Travel Bog: The Ovum

-It’s Almost Easter

-Trapped in the Bathroom with Exquisite Scotch

-You’ll Be Resurrected

Introduction #7:

Dear Reader,

This world is a maze, constructed by the horror-gods to imprison you. You need to escape the labyrinth before it’s too late.

You must seek out ancient, secret knowledge to decipher the riddles and mysteries of your prison (the universe).

Moses knew those secrets. So did Isaac Newton, Leonardo Da Vinci, and the rock band KISS. These people and other geniuses embedded their knowledge into their work.

With millennia of recorded material at our disposal, I gathered together today's greatest minds to write a blog where we would disseminate that knowledge to the masses. Now it is time to collect all that knowledge and encrypt it into the text of this dynamic, multi-authored tome. That’s right, as you read through the Sick Book of Lies, enjoying its hilarious anecdotes and clever insights, you’ll also be receiving special metaphysical knowledge.

This book is the key to your freedom from the prison-maze, so read carefully.

Impossibly Meaningless Coincidence

by Stalwart McGregor

I love the strange coincidences that happen in life. Like when you meet someone who grew up in your remote hometown. Or you meet an old friend in a foreign city.

Sometimes they seem like meaningful coincidences, as if God Herself choreographed the cold mechanical universe to play weird little impossible tricks on you to motivate you and stimulate your mind.

But yesterday I experienced a completely unbelievable coincidence, which has no fathomable meaning.

Yesterday I met thirty people with the exact same name as me. Some of them were men, some of them were women. Some were old and some were young. Usually I don’t even learn the name of one single new person every day. But yesterday I learned the full names of thirty separate people, and they were all called Stalwart McGregor.

First thing that morning, I turned on the TV news and saw a news report. It said that two people named Stalwart McGregor had been murdered in isolated incidents in two different cities. One guy was killed by his wife for cheating on her, while the other guy was killed by the mob for squealing on them. What a coincidence! But it was a double-coincidence, because the news reporter was also called Stalwart McGregor!

Then I went outside, and as I was walking to my favorite breakfast cafe, I was mugged by a dirty punk who was wearing manufactured products that featured the logo for The Exploited. He stabbed me in the belly with a knitting needle, stole my wallet and said, You’ve been mugged by Stalwart McGregor!

I said, Wow! That’s my name!

Stalwart the Punk said, Cool, man! What a coincidence! Let me buy you breakfast!

So he used the money he stole from me to buy me breakfast at my favorite cafe. We chatted about life and love and discovered that we had lots in common. Then I passed out from blood loss and was taken to the hospital.

My nurse was a sexy redhead with a name-tag that said, Stalwart McGregor. I told her that my name was also Stalwart McGregor and she was so amazed that she had sex with me! She was so hot! I hope she gets pregnant, because then we can name the kid Stalwart McGregor Junior and his mother and I can both be Stalwart Senior.

After I left the hospital, I met twenty other people whose names were Stalwart McGregor. But it kept getting less exciting. Kind of strange... I should actually have gotten more excited since each new Stalwart made the coincidence exponentially more substantial. It’s very unlikely that you’ll meet somebody with your same name. It’s twice as unlikely that you’ll meet two in the same day. With each new person, it becomes more and more unlikely that you’ll meet another one with the same name.

By eight o’clock PM, I was wandering down on the boardwalk when a fisherman crashed his boat against the rocks and I helped him drag him and his passenger out of the sinking boat, I was already feeling sick of my own name and this useless coincidence. It seemed like I should have been able to benefit somehow from something so amazing, but it just made me tired.

The fisherman held out his hand and said, I’ve been adrift in the sea for three days now! Thanks for helping me, buddy! My name’s Stalwart McGregor!

I shook his hand and said, Yup. That’s my name too.

Wow! he exclaimed. I’ve never met another Stalwart before and I’ve certainly never met a Stalwart McGregor! What a coincidence! Let me wake up my passenger! I found him unconscious, floating in the ocean two days ago. He hasn’t spoken a word since I found him!

Stalwart shook his passenger. Finally the sleeping dude woke up, and the fisherman said, Hey, buddy! Guess what! You’ve just been rescued by two different Stalwart McGregors! What a coincidence!

The passenger said, Stalwart McGregor? Holy fuck! That’s my name! Let’s go get drunk!

Nah, I said. I already met a bunch of other Stalwart McGregors today. I really had no inclination to get drunk with them, and my belly was still wounded from being stabbed by Stalwart McGregor.

Then I went home and went to sleep. This morning I woke up and went to work at the factory, where I package calendars. Nothing interesting happened. I hate my job and I hate my life. I can’t figure out any reason why I met thirty people with the same name as me yesterday. My mind keeps trying to draw conclusions and search for implications. I keep thinking, I must have learned something from this, right? But I really didn’t. It couldn’t possibly just be a coincidence, could it? This will haunt my dreams for the rest of my life.

The Government Stole My Hat

by Larry Grank

When I woke up this morning, my red fedora was gone!

I always keep it on the wax statue of myself that looks over me while I sleep.

But today it was gone!

Where the fuck is my hat?

I looked at my wax statue and asked, Where is my hat?

My wax statue said, Isn’t it obvious? Just follow the money, Larry. Who would benefit from stealing your hat?

I scratched my beard and thought long and hard. Who would benefit from stealing my hat? What is my hat good for? Well, I know that my thinking is clearer and sharper when I’m wearing stylish clothes. Stylish clothes give me confidence, and confidence helps me think. And nothing is more stylish than my red fedora.

So, whoever stole my hat wants me to think less clearly. They want to ruin my thought process. Who would benefit from ruining my thought process? Well, whenever I’m awake, I’m always