How NOT to Get Married: Errors to Avoid in your First Marriage

By Nick Shoveen

An absolute must-read for people of any age who are considering getting married for their first time. Included is an honest discussion of marital problems caused by differences in religion, lack of communication about sex, monetary problems,and many more areas that can stress a marriage, plus how to avoid these problems by advance planning - and the importance of a pre-nuptial agreement.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Magic Lamp Press
• Release date: Jan 8, 2010
• ISBN: 9781452306339

Nick Shoveen

Doctor Nick Shoveen, Ph.D. has been offering unsolicited relationship advice to men for many years. Although it has been difficult to verify his entire background, his publisher does know that he claims to have received his Ph.D. from renowned PacoimaUniversity.com, allegedly one of the San Fernando Valley's foremost online schools.Magic Lamp Press has also learned that prior to his release, the doctor ran a Persian rug concession at a now-defunct Fedco store in Van Nuys, California.The good doctor currently resides in room 37-a of the Old Bangkok General Medicine House, where he quite often recuperates from serious wounds received in violent feminist attacks after his public appearances.Upon his recovery this time, the doctor will continue with his speaking engagements, frequently sponsored by many of the various Gentlemen's Clubs of America, and a hoped-for appearance on the basic cable Man's Show.Watch for him in your town, unless you reside in one of the municipalities that have requested the doctor to never return... and note that his latest books are now available:Meeting Women: A Guide to Approaching and Getting Acquainted with a New Female,The Female-to-English Dictionary: What Women Really Mean, andHow to be a Porno Producerand, the best-selling Phone Sex Manual

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How NOT to Get Married

First-Marriage Errors to Avoid

By Dr. Nick Shoveen, Ph.D.

From Magic Lamp Press

Venice, California

©MMIX Gene Grossman’s Magic Lamp Press

All rights reserved

Smashwords edition 1.0 - January, 2010

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CONTENTS

Introduction

1 – The State of Modern Marriage

2 – The Green-eyed Monster

3 – If I Were a Rich Man

4 – Crazy for "Elvis

5 – Hold the Gravy

6 – The Deal Breaker

7 – Tis Better to Give…

8 – Driving Miss Daisy

9 – A House is Not a Home

10 – Adam’s Rib

11 – The Wrath of God and/or Family

12 – It

13 – Meshing the Gears

14 – Don’t Leave Home Without it

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Introduction: The Importance of NOT

If you’ve purchased this book to try and find ways to avoid getting married, I’m afraid you’ve made a wrong choice, because there are a lot easier ways to do that other than spending money on a book.

Here are a few suggestions so that you can skim through them quickly and then ask for a refund before you leave the bookstore:

• Poor hygiene: Nothing turns off the opposite sex more than the allure of a potential lover/spouse with body odors;

• Strong family ties: Let your prospective spouse know that you can’t make any decision without checking with your mother first, but that’ll be a lot easier once you’re married, because she’ll probably be living with the two of you;

• Spartan lifestyle goals: You fiancé will be happy to know that once you’re married, there’ll be no need for fancy luxuries like a car, electricity, etc. – you plan on living off of the land, like humans were designed to do;

For Males:

• Informing your fiancé that you’re still friendly with several former girlfriends, and hope that they will be welcome in your home, once you’re married

• Putting your fiancé on notice that two evenings a week you’ll be out of the house attending meeting with your support groups for Alcoholics Anonymous and Gamblers Anonymous;

For Females:

• Informing your fiancé that you’re still friendly with several former boyfriends, and hope that they will be welcome in your home, once you’re married

• Letting Mr. Right know that you’re tired of shaving any parts of your body, and once you’re married, you intend to completely stop that grooming practice.

• Stressing the importance of a large walk-in closet, because you love to shop.

Now that you’ve been informed what this book isn’t, you should know what it is: a compendium of first marriage errors to avoid, by NOT doing certain things… and trust me, I should know, because I’ve been told by all my friends (and my ex-wife) that I made just about every pre-marital (and post-marital) error known to mankind.

So, if you want your marriage to at least stand the statistical 50% chance of surviving more than five years, please pay attention to what you read in the following chapters.

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1. The State of Modern Marriage

While going to college I realized that my being challenged in the tact department meant that I’d never be appointed as an ambassador to any foreign country, so in a giant motivational leap of self-improvement, I decided to polish my people skills by accepting a part-time job as a process server for a divorce attorney who specialized in representing females. My thinking was that doing this job would put me in touch with people who automatically hated my guts without getting a chance to know me first.

That might be time-saver, because they could immediately loathe me and skip the time required for acquaintanceship, but it also presented some downsides: quite often a man being served with legal divorce documents would threaten venting pent-up spousal anger at me, because I was the closest thing he could identify as a representative of his ex-wife, who was usually now living with her new boyfriend in the house that the extremely upset man in front of me was being forced to continue keep paying the mortgage on.

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Part of my responsibilities as a professional legal assistant was to deliver documents from my employer’s law office to the Superior Court’s filing room, where the papers could be submitted to the court along with a check for the filing fee, and I would be given conformed copies of them, complete with a Case Number stamped on the front. It was them my responsibility to serve one of the conformed copies upon the soon-to-be ex-husband.

As professional courthouse designers often do for expediency, the clerk’s window where divorce documents are submitted for filing is about five feet away from another clerk’s window where the marriage licenses are issued.

We professionals all knew that standing next to us was a line of unsuspecting young people waiting to get marriage licenses, but they had no idea that we were in line to file papers requesting that the act they are contemplating