With All My Might

By Gabriella van Rij

Over a series of interviews set against the backdrop of the 2010 Winter Olympics in Vancouver, Gabriella shares with journalist Mark Grijsbach an honest and mesmerizing account of what it was like to be one of the first cross-cultural adoptions in the 1960s.

Young Gabriella’s struggles with intolerance, bullying, racism, and feeling like she did not belong followed her throughout most of the first part of her life but are narrated in such a brave and wise voice that readers will feel empowered as they watch her journey toward becoming the woman she is today.

Whether you are a father, a mother, a child, a blood relation, or adopted, you will be pulled into this story. From thought-provoking commentary on what adoptions are really like and advice for those wishing to adopt, to thoughts on the various contradictions in life, there are takeaways for us all. Primarily, Gabriella’s message underlines that “It is okay to just BE you.”

This book is a must-read for social activists, those considering adoption, and for anyone looking for a story that touches on the universal topics of belonging and family.

Now in its third edition, this acclaimed book With All My Might is a classic and rightfully deserves its place in our hearts.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Gabriella van Rij
• Release date: May 28, 2011
• ISBN: 9780986653315

Gabriella van Rij

GABRIELLA VAN RIJ [pronounced "Ray"] is the Kindness Expert, a keynote speaker, and the founder of the #daretobekind Movement. With a brave and compassionate voice, she speaks at businesses, universities, corporate training events, school assemblies, community centers, places of worship, and on network shows, inspiring audiences and organizations to tap into the power of kindness--the most underutilized skill in today's world.In 2010, Gabriella wrote her first book With All My Might, her mesmerizing memoir of one of the first cross-cultural adoptions of the 1960s. In 2014, Gabriella published I Can Find My Might, part self-help and part practical resource for students, parents, and educators. Shortly after her second book was published, she directed and produced a documentary, Our Silence Is Complicity, released in the fall of 2014, to raise awareness on the devastating effects of bullying. Watch Your Delivery, Gabriella's third book, is based on one of her popular presentations of the same name, was published in 2016.Her latest book, Kindness Is A Choice, is a down-to-earth guide on why Kindness is underutilized today, how the lack of it affects every sphere of our lives, and what we stand to gain by choosing Kindness at every opportunity.She has been seen by millions on Dr. Phil, ABC, CBS, NBC, and FOX. She also writes for the NY Daily News.Visit her at: https://www.gabriella.global/

Book preview

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With All My Might

by Gabriella van Rij

Copyright 2011 Gabriella van Rij

Copyright Third Edition 2014

Smashwords Edition

I...

Dare to live,

Dare to love,

Dare to give,

Dare to be,

Passionate with all of me.

—Gabriella van Rij

With All My Might

Copyright © 2011 Gabriella van Rij

We Open Doors, Inc.

Third edition © 2014

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means without written permission from the author.

ISBN 978-0-9866533-1-5

You can order your copy of this book through amazon.com or through gabriellavanrij.com

For more information about this book, to order multiple copies, or to book the author for a lecture or presentation, please contact:

Bobbie Folsom (Manager) 1.844.888.KIND

Third edition editor: Tomoko Matsuoka

Cover concept: Norman Thornton

Front cover design: Gabriel Monty and Rajat Sharma

Back cover design of third edition: Yoko Matsuoka

Third edition has been edited for clarity. No major additions were made.

Born Muslim, raised Catholic…

From an orphanage to a diplomatic family…

From humble meals to three course dinners with silver cutlery…

Born in Pakistan, raised in Europe…

Every day having to defend myself at the school yard:

"Is that blond, tall, gorgeous-looking woman picking

you up really your mother?"

Most of us have been spoonfed or pressured into

conforming by the people closest to us. Adversity is born from our struggles to conform. You can overcome both, become free of constraints, and become proud of your diversity and uniqueness.

This book talks about conformity, adversity, and diversity.

Stay true to who you are!

Be YOU and

PLEASE don’t apologize

for being you!

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A Very Special Dedication

I would like to dedicate my first book to my daughter Alexandra.

From the moment you were conceived, I looked forward to meeting you. I loved every moment of being pregnant with you; it has been one amazing ride.

You were an adored baby and child, but I have especially come to admire and respect the adult that you have grown into.

You are loyal and very caring. Once you let someone into your world, then the floodgates open to the love and laughter that is within you.

I consider you my friend and my confidante, and I thank you for being in my life as my family, my friend, and my confidante; I never take that for granted, not for an instant!

Your Mama

Special Acknowledgements

I also want to dedicate this book to six very special women without whom my existence and development into who I am today would not be. These six women each shaped me in some way, and they each cared about my fate.

To Reshan, my birthmother, who gave me life and sustenance in the first few days of my life and who had the perspicacity to put me in a Catholic orphanage. Thank you for the love I have always felt from those first ten days. They have made all the difference.

To Helen, who cared enough for an orphan to plough through the typically overwhelming red tape and papers to get me out of the country and into the arms of awaiting adoptive parents. I have come a very long way to be able to thank you for caring for that toddler. I had to overcome a lot of obstacles, but today I can truly thank you!

To Maaike, my aunt who travelled all the way to Pakistan with her husband to pick up her future niece. That in itself deserves a moment of reflection: to make a trip around the globe in 1966 was very impressive. She cannot read this anymore; so I direct my thanks to her two daughters for having such a marvellous mother who was willing to pick me up as if I was only next door!

To Marijke, my adoptive mother, I thank you for wanting to take a stranger into your family. You waded through all the red tape and never gave up. Over the last 40 years, I have watched with amazement your incredible passion for certain things. Thank you for wanting to help an orphan, wanting to help me…

We finally grew towards each other; I am grateful for those last few years where we had a deep understanding of the loving person that we each are in our own right. Thank you for giving me a home, Moeke.¹

To Mans, my aunt on my mother’s side, who radiates humour, laughter, and love from her entire being. Thank you for the love you gave me as a child. You told me the straight truth, and you mediated many times between my mother and me, which must have been hard for you. Thank you for caring all those years and never forgetting my existence or letting the relationship slip away. You always knew when I was alone and in dire need of a friendly word or a nudge. You are sorely missed…

To her four children, I cannot tell you in words how much your mother has meant to me. She has and will always be a very bright light in my life.

To Hans, my aunt, who was so kind and gentle with me over the years. She always had a place for me in her home. Although she had six children of her own, she always had time to listen and give advice and an encouraging word.

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Many people have crossed my path throughout my travels, and I would like to thank some of them personally for the difference they have made in my life, whether or not I am still in contact with them. The list is too long, so I have put these dedications and acknowledgments at the end of the book.

Contents

A Note to You

Introduction

November 1966

March 1988

November 2007

Dare to Live

Present Day: January 2010

The Interview

The Orphanage

The Adoption

Arrival in Amsterdam

Failure

February 2010

Second Interview with Mark

Diversity

Racism

Fear

A Day’s Experience in the Oval

Third Interview with Mark

Religion

Divorce

One More Painful Experience

Opening Ceremony

Fourth Interview with Mark

Summers in Ottawa

Meeting Helen & Harvey

Hopelessness

Letting Go, Starting Over Alone

Acceptance of Not Measuring Up

Gold for Canada

Fifth Interview with Mark

The Birth of My Daughter

Motherhood

My In-laws

Medals for Netherlands

Utter Silence

Sixth Interview with Mark

The Death of My Mother

The Funeral

No Love without Tears

Parents

The Story of Running Away

Siblings

Children

Aubade for My Daughter

Husbands / Partners

Friendships

Seniors

Pets

Vancouver, You Shine

A Final Goodbye to Mark

An Empty Vancouver

Yin & Yang: The Contradictions of Life

Loss and Life

Love and Hate

Selfishness and Giving

Truce and War

Open and Closed Off

Happiness and Sadness

Opposite Ends of the Scale

Closing

A Heartfelt Thank You

Family

Three Other Brothers

Chosen Family

South Granville Senior Centre

About the Author

Notes

A Note to You

Why am I writing this book? Because my story is different in every sense of the word. Diversity, adversity, conformity, and racism have been huge factors in my early years. I would like to show you, the reader, how I have dealt with these factors, how to stay sane when faced with them, and especially how to stay true to your values and beliefs.

Just be you… even if that goes against the wishes of those who might want you to be someone other than yourself!

In this book, I have strong messages about daring, about passion. I have become an adversity expert over the years, learning that you need a huge dose of courage and inner strength to overcome them.

Each time you live through a difficult time, you must get back up and keep on going. I feel like I am a "mauvaise herbe, qui repousse sans relâche," a weed that always re-grows. A sort of resilient bouncing ball that cannot help but rebound!

Last but not least, I would love to provoke you into thinking differently, or at least trying to get you to think outside the box.

Life is a beautiful necklace of pearls. Each pearl is a chapter in mine. There are lots of adversities in my chapters, but that is what makes the necklace beautiful.

I have been able to keep my childlike naïveté and my enormous wonderment about the little things in life, something I truly treasure and hope never to lose.

Think differently, change your behaviour, change your patterns, and look outside of your comfort zone….

Give life a real chance!

Introduction

Iam sitting at my mother’s beautiful marble table overlooking the sunset on English Bay in Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada. Amazing pink and orange colours fill the sky, the sea is calm, and the haze softly hides the contours of the mountains. Utter peace and quiet flow through me while watching this sunset. It was unseasonably warm today.

When life is continually busy and unfolding, we do not pay attention to dates. They seem unimportant at the time. Yet, when later recollected, dates have such impact. They become so vivid, as if one can go back to that moment in time.

November 1966: I do not remember this date clearly, although it altered the course of my life forever.

March 1988: On this date, my only daughter was born.

November 2007: This date marked the death of my mother.

Many dates have been important for me but these three have dramatically changed the direction of my life!

November 1966

I must have had a powerful manifestation at the very innocent age of three. In my mind, I created a family for myself, although I remember only slight things. Like images in my head, some memories are foggy and some are very clear. I’ve been told many stories, and I am sure some were embellished so that I would feel comfortable with them.

I flew around the globe from Rawalpindi, a small city in the north of what was then West Pakistan, to arrive in Amsterdam in the Netherlands to my newly adopted family. Both orphan and family received the gift of adoption and had to go through a period of acceptance. They adopted me as much as I adopted them.

March 1988

With this date there is no hesitation. I can feel, taste, and smell the experience as if it was yesterday. I am not sure how other expectant mothers feel. I can only tell you that from the day I was pregnant an enormous awe was with me until the birth of my beautiful daughter, an awe that surpassed everything. I felt such serenity, peace, and joy. I was bestowed with an enormous gift. Previously, I’d never known whether God listened to the things I babbled to Him, but boy He did!

The moment Alexandra was born she became my entire family. What a big task for such a little baby! It was very overwhelming to suddenly have a family of my own. It was such a powerful experience that it is very hard for me to describe it in words.

I had felt alone most of my life and had never been able to compare myself to anyone else. Mothers and daughters, fathers and sons resemble each other physically, and I had never had any comparison to the kind of connection that goes with resemblance. People who have family tell me it is unimportant that they look like their aunt or grandmother. But resemblance to a family member is something adopted children crave. It gives us a sense of normalcy, of belonging to someone.

So I had suddenly received the gift of belonging and of being like everyone else…

Now you need to understand—everyone who knows me will chuckle while reading this—I do not do anything the normal way; I definitely do things my own way. As a Pakistani-born woman, to look into the eyes of my child and see blue eyes stare back at me was astounding. She had a full head of hair, creamy skin, and eyes the colour of the Dutch North Sea… beautiful. I presumed her eye colour would later change, but it never did. She still has the same gorgeous deep blue eyes.

When I looked in her eyes, I promised I would protect her with all my might.

November 2007

This date brings tears to my eyes, and a feeling of utter abandonment to my core because it marks the death of my mother. After a tough life full of joys and pain, I did not think that the death of my adopted mother would affect me in that way. But it did.

I was living in Canada when I heard of her death. A dreaded phone call during the middle of the night followed by an instant feeling of loss and an immediate reaction of wanting to book the first flight out to Europe. Standing in the funeral home by her coffin, I saw my mother for the last time, realizing that she would never again say the words Gabriella, when are you going to behave? I would never see the smile that was reserved for me alone. This gorgeous, tall, beautiful woman who I looked up to all my life was gone forever…

When my mother died, I felt I went back in time and lost all sense of who I was and where I was. I felt abandoned like a child who had lost a caretaker, a protector.

It felt awful.

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Now, here I am writing this book.

We can all make life so complicated and intricate… I told someone very recently that life was like a vacuum cleaner: it can suck you in and keep you stuck in one place.

While we are busy living life, it can leave behind a lot of scars, unfortunately. However, if you are like me, you’ll make something good come out of those scars. We have all struggled with adversities, regardless of our culture, gender, religion, and ethnicity. Yet we can make something good come out of our particular situation. Don’t cave in…

My secret is simple: Do not get sucked in, but do live life to the fullest.

We all have dreams and aspirations. In the early stages of life we are encouraged to follow them. Then, as we grow older, we are told to stop dreaming. We are taught that life is serious and that we need to grow up. Do you remember your parents telling you to believe in your dreams when you were little? But then, all of a sudden, when you were in your teenage years, they told you to stop dreaming and to grow up. Very strange indeed!

Gradually, we lose touch with our dreams and aspirations. But we should continue to listen to our intuition and to our gut feelings no matter how crazy they might seem.

I have learned that at times it may be best to keep your dreams to yourself. Otherwise someone will tell you something that will make you give up your dream. Of course, it’s okay to change your mind, but only if the change is genuinely your decision.

Don’t let anyone take away your dreams. They are yours, and they are precious!

Dare to Live

~ Without putting life on hold,

~ Without excuses,

~ While encouraging your dreams,

~ While being courageous,

~ While being adventurous,

~ In the present, while being you,

~ And, above all, love over and over again until you get it right!

Present Day: January 2010

There are very few events that occur in life that involve and affect people from around the world, no matter their culture, their religion, or their ethnicity. I have watched in amazement how this one event brings so many diverse cultures together in unity.

I am not a sports fanatic, but the Olympics is such an event! All these athletes competing for one common goal, all these people cheering them on also for one common goal: To see their team succeed! I have found it stunningly beautiful that—even when one team loses—we’re able to go on and cheer for the next team.

In January 2010, Vancouver was expecting the Olympics, and it was an exciting time for the city. Although a foreigner